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[Happy Moment] 幽默笑话

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I Hope So 我希望如此
Neighbor: Do you think your son will forget all he learned at college?
Father: I hope so. He certainly can't make a living by kissing girls!
邻居：您认为您的儿子会把在大学里学的东西全忘光吗？
父亲：我希望这样--他当然不能以吻女孩子谋生吧！
What's Going to Be? 做什么？
Neighbor: What's your daughter going to be when she graduates?
Mother: An old lady!
邻居：你女儿大学毕业后要做什么？
母亲：老太婆。
Who's Afraid Now? 是谁害怕？
A neighbor told us about a trip he took with his two-and-a-half -year-old son. It was the first time the father and the boy had been away by themselves.
The first night they spent in a hotel, the father moved his bed close to the boy's and when they were both tucked in, he turned out the light.
After a few minutes, a little voice said, "It surely is dark, isn't it?"
"Yes," said the father, "it's pretty dark, but everything is all right."
There was silence for a few more minutes, and then a small hand reached over and took the father's hand, "I'll just hold your hand," said the little boy, "in case you get frightened."
一位邻居告诉我们，他曾带着两岁半的儿子旅行。这是父亲头一次带着儿子单独出门。
他们住在旅馆的第一个晚上，父亲将自己的床移近儿子的床。他们掖好被子后他就关了灯。几分钟之后，一个细小的声音说：“屋子里真够黑的，是不是？”“是的，”父亲说，“屋里是够黑的，但是一切都正常。”又过了一会儿，一只小手伸过来握住父亲的手。“我握住你的手，”小男孩说，“免得你害怕。”
I'll Change My Name 我会改一个名字
At the age of 16, Edely decided to leave home and join a theater company. His father was appalled, "A son of mine on the stage? It's a disgrace!" he wailed. "What if the neighbors find out?"
"I'll change my name," the comic-to-be volunteered. "
Change your name!" His father screamed. "What if you're a success? How will the neighbors know it's my son?"
埃迪十六岁了，他决定离开家去参加一个剧团。他的爸爸气坏了。 “让我的儿子上舞台演戏？真丢脸！”他大叫道，“邻居们知道了怎么想？”
“我会改一个名字。”这位未来的滑稽演员主动提出。
“改名字！”他爸爸喊叫着，“那如果你出了名怎么办？怎么让邻居们知道你就是我的儿子呢？”
Thinking Back 回忆
We were gathered together, all ten of us, for our widowed mother's 80th birthday.
The conversation was of early struggles, walking to work and saving up in clothing clubs, when my elder sister said, "Of course, we were bound to be poor because we were such a big family.
Mom, why did you have so many children?"
Mother looked around at us all and said, "Well, where did you want to me to stop?"
我们总共十个人，聚在一起祝贺已成为寡妇的妈妈的八十岁生日。谈的话题是我们家早年的艰辛，走着去上班，在“新衣会”里存钱准备买衣裳。这时我姐姐说：“当然，我们的生活没法子不艰难，因为我们家孩子太多了。妈妈，您为什么要生这么多的孩子呢？”
妈妈看了我们一圈说：“那么，你想让我在哪儿停住呢？”
本帖最近评分记录： 共 2 条评分 派派币 +7

  • 、醉眠

    		 派派币 +4 2018-08-04

    update---4L

  • 、醉眠

    		 派派币 +3 2018-07-18

    Thanks for sharing!
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I'll Carry You Down 我会把您背下去
My 15-year-old son came bounding in from school and found me in bed.
"Don't you feel well, Mom?""No, I don't，"
I said. "Well, don't you worry about dinner," he reassured me. "I'll carryyou down to the stove."
我十五岁的儿子连跑带颠地跑回家里发现我躺在床上。
“妈妈，您觉得不舒服吗？”“是的，我有点不舒服，”我说。“那么，您别担心晚饭了。”
他向我打保票说：“我可以把你背到楼下的炉灶前去。”                      
Something I Didn't Do 我没做的事
Mother: What are you crying for?
Tommy: Teacher kept me in for something I didn't do.
Mother: Something you didn't do? What was it?
Tommy: M-m-my lessons.
妈妈：你哭什么？
汤米：老师为了一件我没做的事把我留下了。 妈妈：一件你没做的事？什么事？
汤米：我……我的作业。 注："for something I didn't do"的意思是：“为了不是我做的事情”，但也表示“为了我没有做的事情。”
Settle Down and Settle Up 一字之差
When my brother, a notorious spender, came home for a visit, he told my father he was going to get married and settle down.
Dad said, "Why don't you stay single and settle up."
我的哥哥是个有名的挥霍者。
他回家来时，告诉父亲说他要结婚了，要安定下来。父亲说：“你为什么不实行独身主义，先把欠债还清呢？”
注：settle down是“安定下来”，而settle up 是“还清欠债”意思，二者虽只是up与 down不同，但意思却完全不同。
A Thank-you Letter 感谢信
"Are you writing a thank-you letter to Grandpa like I told you?"
"Yes, Mum."
"Your handwriting seems very large."
"Well, Grandpa's deaf, so I'm writing very loud."
“你是在按照我说的给爷爷写信感谢他吗？”
“是的，妈妈。”
“你的字好象写得太大了。”
“嗯，爷爷的耳朵不好，所以我写得大声点儿。”
A School-report 学校成绩单
The father was reading the school report which had just been handed to him by his hopeful son.
His brow was wrathful as he read,
"English, poor; French, weak; mathematics, fair;" and he gave a glance of disgust at the quaking lad.
"Well, Dad." said the son, "It is not as good as it might be, but have you seen that?"
And he pointed to the next line which read, "health, excellent."
父亲在看他那满怀希望的儿子带回来的学校成绩单。他边看边露出愤怒的表情：
“英语，差；法语，差；数学，中。”他厌恶地瞥了在发抖的儿子一眼。
“爸爸，”儿子说，“可能成绩不够理想。但您看到那一项了吗？”他指了指下一行：“健康状况，优。”
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Is Ink So Expensive? 墨水很贵吗？

Son: Is ink so very expensive, father?
Father: Why, son, what makes you think so?
Son: W...well. Mother seems quite disturbed because I spilled some on thecarpet.
儿子：爸爸，墨水很贵吗？
父亲：不贵呀，你为什么这么想？儿子：哦，我把墨水洒了一点在地毯上，妈妈好象挺着急的。                    
It's Not My Fault 这不是我的过错

"Aren't you ashamed of yourself, Victor? You're the worst pupil in yourclass." Said the father.
"What's that got to do with me? Is it my fault that the worst one wasyesterday transferred to another school?" was the answer.
“维克多，你是班里最差的学生。你不觉得害臊吗？”爸爸说。
“这能怨我吗？谁让昨天最差的一个转到另一所学校去了呢？”维克多回答。
Give Me a Dollar 给我一块钱

Son: Dad, give me a dime.
Father: Son, don't you think you're getting too big to be forever begging fordimes?
Son: I guess you're right, Dad. Give me a dollar, will you?
儿子：爸爸，给我一角钱。
父亲：儿子，你不认为你已经长大了，不该再老是一角一角地要钱了(该自立了)，不是吗？
儿子：爸爸，我想你是对的，那给我一块钱行吗？
The Result of Laziness 懒惰的结果

Mother: Why were you kept after school today, Johnny?
Johnny: Teacher told us to write an essay on "The Result of Laziness", and Iturned in a blank sheet of paper.
妈妈：约翰尼，你今天放学以后为什么被留下了？
约翰尼：老师叫我们写一篇题为“懒惰的结果”的作文，我交了一张白卷。
Clever Bobby 聪明的博比

Brown was very proud of his young son. Once he was talking to a visitor,telling the man how clever his son was.
"The boy is only two years old," he said, "and knows all animals. He's goingto be a great naturalist. Here, let me show you."
He took a book of natural history from the bookshelf, placed Bobby on hisknee, opened the book and showed him a picture of a giraffe.
"What's that, Bobby?" "
Horsey, " said Bobby. Next of a tiger was shown, and Bobby said, "Pussy."Then Brown showed Bobby a picture of lion, and Bobby said, "Doggy." And when apicture of a chimpanzee was shown, Bobby said, "Daddy!"
布朗非常欣赏他的小儿子。一次他和一位客人聊他的儿子有多聪明。布朗说：“他只有两岁，就认识所有的动物了。他长大一定会是一个出色的自然学家。来，我让你看看。”
他从书架上拿下一本自然书，把博比抱到膝上，打开书。指着一张长颈鹿的画片。
“博比，这是什么？” “马马，”博比回答。 他又指了一张老虎的画片，博比回答说：“猫咪。” 然后布朗又指了一张狮子的画片，博比说：“狗狗。”他又指了一张黑猩猩的画片，博比说：“爸爸！” [注]horsey: 马（儿语） pussy：猫咪（儿语）
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Stupid Orders 愚蠢的命令

When Nasreddin was a boy, he never did what he was told, so his father always told him to do the opposite of what he wanted him to do.

One day, when the two were bringing sacks of flour home on their donkeys, they had to cross a shallow river. When they were in the middle of it, one of the sacks on Nasreddin's donkey began to slip, so his father said, "That sack is nearly in the water! Press down hard on it!" His father of course expected that he would do the opposite, but this time Nasreddin did what his father had told him to do. He pressed down on the sack and it went under water. Of course, the flour was lost.

"What have you done, Nasreddin," his father shouted angrily.

"Well, father," said Nasreddin. "This time I thought that I would do just what you told me to show you how stupid your orders always are."

当纳斯雷金还是个孩子时，从来不按照别人所说的去做。所以他爸爸想要他去做某事时，常叫他做相反的事。

一天，父子俩用毛驴驮着几袋面粉往家走，路上必须经过一条不深的小河。父子俩走到河中心时，纳斯雷金牵的那头毛驴上有一袋面粉开始往下滑了。他爸爸说：“那个袋子快掉进水里了，使劲往下按！”他爸爸当然是希望他象以往一样，干和他所说的相反的事。可这次纳斯雷金却按照他爸爸所说的去做了。他使劲一按，袋子沉进水里了。当然，这袋面也没有了。

他爸爸愤怒地喊道：“你干的什么事！”

纳斯雷金说：“嗯，爸爸，这次我想按你所要求的去做，好证明你以往的命令是多么的愚蠢。”                    
A Pledge 誓约
Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday, and everyone was complimenting him on how well he looked.
"I'll tell you the secret," he said. "My wife and I were married seventy-five years ago. On our wedding night we made a pledge that whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go out and take a walk. I have been in the open air continuously for the past seventy-five years.

爷爷过一百岁生日，大家都祝贺他，说他看上去很健康。
“我来告诉你们这里的秘密，”他说，“我和妻子结婚七十五年了。在新婚之夜我们订了一个誓约，那就是无论我们什么时候发生争吵，谁被证明是错了的，谁就到外面去散一圈步。我已经在外面一直呆了七十五年了。”
To Patch the Hole 补洞
A young man came home from work and found his bride upset. "I feel terrible," she said. "I was pressing your suit and I burned a big hole in the seat of your trousers."
"Forget it," consoled her husband. "Remember that I've got an extra pair of pants for that suit."
"Yes," said the woman, cheering up. "And it's lucky you have. I used them to patch the hole."

丈夫下班回到家里，发现自己的新娘心绪烦乱。“我心里太难受了，”她说。“我在给你熨西装时把裤子的臀部烧了个大洞。”
“没事儿，”丈夫安慰她说。“你忘了我这套衣服有两条裤子。”
“是的，”妻子高兴地说，“幸亏你还有一条，我后来就用它来补了这个洞了。”
I Didn't Notice It 我没看到它

Mother: I left two pieces of cake in the cupboard this morning, Johnny, and now there is only one piece left. Can you explain that?
Johnny: Well, I suppose it was so dark that I didn't notice the other.

妈妈：约翰尼，我今天早上在橱子里放了两块点心。现在就剩下一块了。你能解释一下吗？
约翰尼：哦，我想是因为里面太黑我没看到另外那块。
    
Ear Short 耳聋

I thought my wife, Barbara, was losing her hearing, so one day I decided to test it. I quietly walked in the front door and stood 30 feet behind her, "Barbara," I said, "can you hear me?" There was no response, so I moved to 20 feet behind her behind her, "Barbara," I repeated, "can you hear me ?" Still no reply. I advanced to 10 feet and asked, "Now can you hear me?" "Yes, dear," Barbara answered. "For the third time, yes!"

我以为我的妻子芭芭拉耳聋了。有一天，我想证明一下，我轻轻走进前门，站在她后面三十英尺的地方，“芭芭拉，”我说，“你听得见我吗？”她没有回答。所以我又走过去一些，站在她后面二十英尺的地方，“芭芭拉，”我重复道，“你听得见我吗？”还是没有回答。我又往前到了只有十英尺的地方，我问：“现在听得见吗？”“是的，亲爱的，”芭芭拉说，“我已经说了第三遍了。”
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Relative By Marriage 婆家的亲戚
A husband and wife drove for miles in silence after a terrible argument in which neither would budge. The husband pointed to a mule in a pasture. "Relative of yours?" he asked. "Yes," she replied. "By marriage."

一对夫妻开着车出去，走了很长一段时间谁也不吭声。因为在这之前他们曾争吵得很历害，谁也不肯让步。丈夫指着牧场上的一头骡子问道：“是你的亲戚吗？”“是的，”妻子回答， “是婆家的亲戚。”                  
Somebody 人物
First man: In my house I'm really somebody.
Second man: Is that so?
First man: Yes. Every night my wife calls out from the kitchen, "Will somebody take out the garbage?"

第一位男人：我在家里确实是一个人物。
第二位男人：真是这样吗？
第一位男人：是的，每天晚上我妻子都在厨房里喊“来一个人把垃圾拿出去。”                        
Improvement 进步
One student to another: "How are your English lessons coming along?"
"Fine. I used to be the one who couldn't understand Englishmen, and now it's Englishmen who can't understand me."

一位学生对另一位说：“你的英语最近学的怎么样了？”
“很好，我过去不懂英国人说话，可现在是英国人不懂我的话了”
He Swore to Die 他发誓要死
"If you refuse to marry me," he swore, "I shall die." She refused him.
He died sixty years later.

“你如果拒绝和我结婚，”他发誓说，“我就要死。”她拒绝了他。六十年以后，他死了。
My Sister's Fingers 我妹妹的手指头
Teacher: Kevin, why are you late this time.
Kevin: Please sir, I bruised two fingers knocking in a nail at home.
Teacher: I don't see any bandages.
Kevin: Oh, they weren't mine. I told my little sister to hold the nail.

老师：凯温，这次你怎么又迟到了？
凯温：对不起，老师，我在家钉钉子，砸坏了两个手指头。  

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The Plural Form of "Child" “孩子”的复数形式
Teacher: What is the plural of Man, Tom?
Tom: Men.
Teacher: Good. And the plural of child?
Tom: Twins.

老师：汤姆，“男人”这个词的复数形式是什么？
汤姆：男人们。
老师：答得好。那“孩子”的复数形式呢？
汤姆：双胞胎。
4-4=? 四减四等于几?
One day, the teacher inquired Peter: "How much is four minus four?" Peter was tongue-tied.
The teacher got angry and said: "What a fool! You see, if I put four coins in your pocket, but there is a hole in your pocket and all of them leak out, now what is left in your pocket?"
"The hole." Replied Peter.

一天，老师问彼得：“4减4等于几？”彼得张口结舌答不上来。
老师生气地说：“真笨！比如我给你衣袋里装进4个硬币，可你衣袋上有个窟窿，硬币全从这里漏掉了，那么，你衣袋里还剩下什么?”“还剩下个窟窿。”彼得答道。                      
Columbus' Telephone Number 哥伦布的电话号码
Little Mary: I find in my history book there is always such number (1451-1560) after the name Christopher Columbus. Would you please explain why, sir?
Little Rose: I can tell her, sir. It was Columbus' telephone number!

小玛丽：我在历史书中发现，克里斯托弗·哥伦布这个名字后面老是有(1451-1560)这几个数字。老师，请您给解释一下好吗？
小罗斯：老师，我能告诉她。那是哥伦布的电话号码！
Essay 作文
Teacher had set his class an essay "A Game of CRIcket". After two minutes Simon Stee handed his paper in and was allowed to go home. His essay read: "Rain stopped play"..

老师给学生出了作文题：“一场板球赛”。两分钟后，西蒙·斯蒂尔交了作文，老师允许他回家了，他在作文上写道：“下雨，比赛中止。”
Two Birds 两只鸟
Teacher: Here are two birds, one is a swallow, and the other is a sparrow. Now who can tell us which is which?
Student: I cannot point out, but I know the answer.
Teacher: Please tell us.
Student: The swallow is beside the sparrow and the sparrow is beside the swallow.

老师：这儿有两只鸟，一只是燕子，另一只是麻雀。谁能指出哪只是燕子，哪只是麻雀呢？学生：我指不出来，但我知道答案。
老师：请说说看。
学生：燕子旁边的是麻雀，麻雀旁边的是燕子。                    
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【5.4周年】【书盟6.1 7.5】
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Whose Fault谁的错
Teacher: Betty, you made so many mistakes in your exercises, surely your mother will blame you!
Betty: Blame me? Oh, no. On the contrary, I'll blame her, because it was she that did my homework instead.

老师：贝蒂，你作业中出了这么多错，你妈妈一定会责怪你的！
贝蒂：责怪我？啊，不会的。正相反，我倒要怪她呢，是她替我做的作业。
A Special Football Match特殊的足球赛
Mike was late for school. He said to his teacher, Mr. Black, "Excuse me for my coming late, sir. I watched a football match in my dream." "Why did it make you late?" inquired the teacher. "Because neither team could win the game, so it lasted a long time," replied Mike.

迈克上学迟到了。他对老师布莱克先生说：“对不起，我迟到了，老师。我梦见了一场足球赛。”老师问：“那为什么会使你迟到呢？”迈克回答说：“因为两个队不分胜负，所以持续了很长时间。”                      
Guessing a Riddle猜谜
Teacher: Boys, I have a riddle to ask you. There's something wearing beautiful feather, and it can wake you up every morning. What is it, Tom?
Tom: A feather duster, with which father wakes me up every morning.

老师：孩子们，我有个谜语要你们猜：有一种东西，浑身都是漂亮的羽毛，每天早晨它能叫你起床。它是什么东西呢，汤姆？
汤姆：鸡毛掸子，爸爸每天都用它叫我起床。
The Dean's Words 院长的话
Student A: If the Dean doesn't take back what he said to me this morning, I am going to leave college.
Student B: What did he say?
Student A: He told me to leave college.

学生甲：如果院长不收回他今天早上对我说的话，我就要离开学院。
学生乙：他说了什么？
学生甲：他要我退学。
An Essential Correction 实质性的纠正
Teacher: Walter, why don't you wash your face? I can see what you had for breakfast this morning.
Walter: What was it?
Teacher: Eggs.
Walter: Wrong, teacher. That was yesterday.

教师：沃尔特，你为什么不洗脸？我看得出你今天早饭吃了什么。
沃尔特：我吃了什么？
教师：鸡蛋。
沃尔特：错了，老师。那是昨天吃的。
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piano76

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wish the best of this year , bless me ....
举报 只看该作者 7楼  发表于: 2018-08-11 0
funny....

  • 际遇之神

    		 奖励 2018-08-11

    在派派游荡，不小心被从天而降的电脑仍中，春哥出现，原地复活并得到3派派币
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BLESSED。8234a

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谢谢楼主分享啦
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88196Cc

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感谢分享
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