亲，这是一版搞笑版的《孔雀东南飞》，你可以节选一场。
焦仲卿Johnny (J for short) 刘兰芝Lunch(L for short)
焦母Johnny’s mother (JM for short) 刘母Lunch’s mother(LM for short)
太守之子Mayor’s son (MS for short) 强盗Burglars(A，B&C)
J: Everybody says that I'm henpecked, but in fact, I'm as strong as a tiger, while my wife is Wu Song.
I'm not afraid of you!
My wife Lunch is the most famous woman in the neighbor-hood. She is braver than me, smarter than me and stronger than me. All this I do not care. I only want her to be tender than me. But she is not! Having a wife like this is just like living in the hell!
My God! Who can help me?
Act1
旁白：就在我们可爱的仲卿遭受家庭暴力时，JM已将这一切尽收耳底。
JM:I can!
Lunch! Lunch! Where are you?
L: I’m here! What’s up mum?
JM: I’ve told you again and again that you should call me "my most beautiful graceful and dearest mother-in-law”.
L: OK. My most beautiful graceful and dearest mother-in-law, what’s up?
JM: Since you married my son you have behaved so badly. You have been so rude, so brusque, so lazy……
L: But……
JM: Never interrupt me!
L: Never interrupt me! Since I married your son, that terrible Johnny, I have been working hard all
day long, cooking and washing. I have raised ten soft thousands of pigs and ducks and chicken and……
JM: But all those you have done are not as valuable as a grandson! Grandson! Where’s my grandson?
L: Oh, you want a grandson, don’t you? Go and ask your son. I’m leaving!
Act2
旁白：被婆婆赶出家门的兰芝一步一回头，三步两回头，无奈的回到了自己的家中。此时，LM正在家中跳舞，有请！
L: Mum, I’m back!
LM: You are back? Why? What happened?
L: I was kicked out by my most beautiful graceful and dearest mother–in-law.
LM: See! I have already told you! When you insisted on marrying that terrible Johnny, I told you that he is ugly stupid and poor ,but you did not listen to me. Look at yourself……
L: But, mum……
LM: Never interrupt me!
L: Mum, I’m not interrupting you. I just want to tell you that you are always right OK? And I’ll marry whom ever you want me to.
LM: Nice girl! Just now, I met the mayor’s son in the market. He said:” If your daughter. Haven’t been married, I really want to marry her! “Now you are free again, I’ll go and tell him.(下)
L: What? The mayor’s son? The most famous play boy in the neighbor-hood? What a silly thing I have done!(下)
Act3
旁白：没有了兰芝的焦家很快陷入了窘境，JM只好让仲卿将兰芝找回。听说去兰芝家的路上常有强盗出没。
A: Hey you! Stop and listen to us!
The road is built by me!
B: And I planted one tree!
C: If you want to go by this street---
AB&C: Give us all your money!
旁白：据可靠史料记载，当时，这把刀离他的喉咙只有0.01公分！
J: Don’t kill me! Don’t kill me! I’ll give all my money to you! Is 1 mao enough?
A: What bad luck!
B: If we can not rob any money today, we will have nothing to eat tonight!
C: I heard that the mayor’s son is going to marry Miss Liu Lan zhi next month. We can go and rob the wedding!
A&B: Good idea!
J: What? What? Lunch is going to get married? It’s impossible!
AB&C: Why? A pretty girl and a rich man, what a good couple!
J: But Lunch is my wife! We haven’t got divorced yet! I’ve got an idea! You are going to rob the wedding, don’t you? I’ll go with you. You take the money and I take the bride.
B: Have you got any experience?
J: No. But I’ve got this!
Act4
旁白：转眼已到了婚礼之期．太守之子意气风发的牵着新娘，兰芝盖着红盖头极不情愿跟在后边。
ABC&J: Hey you! Stop and listen to us!
A: The road is built by me!
B: And I planted one tree.
C: If you want to go by this street---
ABC＆J: Give us all your money!
L: Johnny! I miss you so much!
MS: Who are you and where are you from? Who rob my bride will be killed!
J: How dare you beat my wife! I will kill you!
J: Honey, how are you?
L: I hurt a lot!
J: Don’t cry baby. Eat this at once! I’ll go and fetch the medicine. (下)
L: Wait for me!
