人性的枷锁 Of Human Bondage【9.02连载至第100章】_派派后花园

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[Novel] 人性的枷锁 Of Human Bondage【9.02连载至第100章】

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人性的枷锁 Of Human Bondage【9.02连载至第100章】
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  《人性的枷锁》是英国19世纪知名作家威廉·萨默塞特·毛姆的长篇半自传体小说,也是其代表作品,于1915年出版,作品尽管在批评界有所争议,但出版后便长印不衰,受到了极大的欢迎,也被翻拍成影视作品。小说以第一人称的视角叙述了主人公菲利普前半生的迷惘、探索、失望、挫折、和痛苦。作品的主题是命运羁绊之下的人性的自由。

   菲利普天生跛足,自幼失去双亲,自卑的心理深深植根在他的生活中。他在伯父凯里牧师和伯母路易莎的抚养下长大,伯父对其较为冷淡,但伯母悉心照料,给予他母亲般的温暖。菲利普自幼酷爱文学,在伯父的书房里找到寄托。伯父伯母希望菲利普到牛津学习神学,以后成为神父,把他送到一所宗教气氛浓厚的寄宿学校学习。在那里,虽然菲利普崭露了学习的天份,但生性腼腆的他并不能融入到学校生活中,也因为跛足受尽嘲笑。
    随后,菲利普不顾伯父的反对,远赴德国海德堡求学,在那里结识了英国人海沃德和美国人威克斯,开始对神学产生质疑。在一个假期回到英国家中时,菲利普同威尔金森小姐互生情愫但并不真心相恋,在回到德国后便逐渐停止通信。
    之后,菲利普到伦敦成为一名会计学徒,但他对枯燥的生活感到厌倦,很快就转而到巴黎学习艺术,在巴黎学了两年绘画。在巴黎,菲利普结交了一些朋友,其中有毫无天分、脾气怪异的普莱斯小姐。普莱斯小姐暗中喜欢菲利普,后来因为穷困无助和绝望而自杀。
    菲利普最终意识到自己在艺术上资质平平,不会有所建树,而伯母的死讯传来,菲利普回到英国,并决定去伦敦学医。在伦敦,菲利普爱上了女招待米尔德,但米尔德并不喜欢菲利普,而且天性自私,拒绝了菲利普的追求,同他人发生关系并怀孕。在追求失败后,菲利普转向女作家诺拉的怀抱。之后米尔德被人抛弃,又找到了菲利普,菲利普同诺拉分手,努力接济米尔德生活。但米尔德随后恋上了菲利普的朋友哈利并再次离开。
    当菲利普再次遇到米尔德时,发现她再次被抛弃,成为妓女。此时的菲利普已不再爱她,但因为怜悯而收留了她。米尔德试图引诱菲利普未果,一怒之下逃走。后来菲利普知晓她孩子病死,再次沦落风尘。
   菲利普后来因投资南非矿山失败而破产,不得不在商店里打工。但最终因得到伯父死后留下的遗产而再次回到医学院,取得医生资质。后来菲利普同多次帮助过自己的医生阿瑟尔尼的女儿萨利相恋,并得知她怀孕的消息。菲利普果断放弃之前游历的计划,同萨利订婚。
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minical

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The river of no return~
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minical

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The river of no return~
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相逢一笑泯恩仇
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chapter 100

Saturday. It was the day on which he had promised to pay his landlady. He had been expecting something to turn up all through the week. He had found no work. He had never been driven to extremities before, and he was so dazed that he did not know what to do. He had at the back of his mind a feeling that the whole thing was a preposterous joke. He had no more than a few coppers left, he had sold all the clothes he could do without; he had some books and one or two odds and ends upon which he might have got a shilling or two, but the landlady was keeping an eye on his comings and goings: he was afraid she would stop him if he took anything more from his room. The only thing was to tell her that he could not pay his bill. He had not the courage. It was the middle of June. The night was fine and warm. He made up his mind to stay out. He walked slowly along the Chelsea Embankment, because the river was restful and quiet, till he was tired, and then sat on a bench and dozed. He did not know how long he slept; he awoke with a start, dreaming that he was being shaken by a policeman and told to move on; but when he opened his eyes he found himself alone. He walked on, he did not know why, and at last came to Chiswick, where he slept again. Presently the hardness of the bench roused him. The night seemed very long. He shivered. He was seized with a sense of his misery; and he did not know what on earth to do: he was ashamed at having slept on the Embankment; it seemed peculiarly humiliating, and he felt his cheeks flush in the darkness. He remembered stories he had heard of those who did and how among them were officers, clergymen, and men who had been to universities: he wondered if he would become one of them, standing in a line to get soup from a charitable institution. It would be much better to commit suicide. He could not go on like that: Lawson would help him when he knew what straits he was in; it was absurd to let his pride prevent him from asking for assistance. He wondered why he had come such a cropper. He had always tried to do what he thought best, and everything had gone wrong. He had helped people when he could, he did not think he had been more selfish than anyone else, it seemed horribly unjust that he should be reduced to such a pass.

    But it was no good thinking about it. He walked on. It was now light: the river was beautiful in the silence, and there was something mysterious in the early day; it was going to be very fine, and the sky, pale in the dawn, was cloudless. He felt very tired, and hunger was gnawing at his entrails, but he could not sit still; he was constantly afraid of being spoken to by a policeman. He dreaded the mortification of that. He felt dirty and wished he could have a wash. At last he found himself at Hampton Court. He felt that if he did not have something to eat he would cry. He chose a cheap eating-house and went in; there was a smell of hot things, and it made him feel slightly sick: he meant to eat something nourishing enough to keep up for the rest of the day, but his stomach revolted at the sight of food. He had a cup of tea and some bread and butter. He remembered then that it was Sunday and he could go to the Athelnys; he thought of the roast beef and the Yorkshire pudding they would eat; but he was fearfully tired and could not face the happy, noisy family. He was feeling morose and wretched. He wanted to be left alone. He made up his mind that he would go into the gardens of the palace and lie down. His bones ached. Perhaps he would find a pump so that he could wash his hands and face and drink something; he was very thirsty; and now that he was no longer hungry he thought with pleasure of the flowers and the lawns and the great leafy trees. He felt that there he could think out better what he must do. He lay on the grass, in the shade, and lit his pipe. For economy's sake he had for a long time confined himself to two pipes a day; he was thankful now that his pouch was full. He did not know what people did when they had no money. Presently he fell asleep. When he awoke it was nearly mid-day, and he thought that soon he must be setting out for London so as to be there in the early morning and answer any advertisements which seemed to promise. He thought of his uncle, who had told him that he would leave him at his death the little he had; Philip did not in the least know how much this was: it could not be more than a few hundred pounds. He wondered whether he could raise money on the reversion. Not without the old man's consent, and that he would never give.

    "The only thing I can do is to hang on somehow till he dies. "

    Philip reckoned his age. The Vicar of Blackstable was well over seventy. He had chronic bronchitis, but many old men had that and lived on indefinitely. Meanwhile something must turn up; Philip could not get away from the feeling that his position was altogether abnormal; people in his particular station did not starve. It was because he could not bring himself to believe in the reality of his experience that he did not give way to utter despair. He made up his mind to borrow half a sovereign from Lawson. He stayed in the garden all day and smoked when he felt very hungry; he did not mean to eat anything until he was setting out again for London: it was a long way and he must keep up his strength for that. He started when the day began to grow cooler, and slept on benches when he was tired. No one disturbed him. He had a wash and brush up, and a shave at Victoria, some tea and bread and butter, and while he was eating this read the advertisement columns of the morning paper. As he looked down them his eye fell upon an announcement asking for a salesman in the `furnishing drapery' department of some well-known stores. He had a curious little sinking of the heart, for with his middle-class prejudices it seemed dreadful to go into a shop; but he shrugged his shoulders, after all what did it matter? and he made up his mind to have a shot at it. He had a queer feeling that by accepting every humiliation, by going out to meet it even, he was forcing the hand of fate. When he presented himself, feeling horribly shy, in the department at nine o'clock he found that many others were there before him. They were of all ages, from boys of sixteen to men of forty; some were talking to one another in undertones, but most were silent; and when he took up his place those around him gave him a look of hostility. He heard one man say:

    "The only thing I look forward to is getting my refusal soon enough to give me time to look elsewhere. "

    The man, standing next him, glanced at Philip and asked:

    "Had any experience?"

    "No, " said Philip.

    He paused a moment and then made a remark: "Even the smaller houses won't see you without appointment after lunch. "

    Philip looked at the assistants. Some were draping chintzes and cretonnes, and others, his neighbour told him were preparing country orders that had come in by post. At about a quarter past nine the buyer arrived. He heard one of the men who were waiting say to another that it was Mr. Gibbons. He was middle-aged, short and corpulent, with a black beard and dark, greasy hair. He had brisk movements and a clever face. He wore a silk hat and a frock coat, the lapel of which was adorned with a white geranium surrounded by leaves. He went into his office, leaving the door open; it was very small and contained only an American roll-desk in the corner, a bookcase, and a cupboard. The men standing outside watched him mechanically take the geranium out of his coat and put it in an ink-pot filled with water. It was against the rules to wear flowers in business.

    [During the day the department men who wanted to keep in with the governor admired the flower.

    "I've never seen better, " they said, "you didn't grow it yourself?"

    "Yes I did, " he smiled, and a gleam of pride filled his intelligent eyes. ]

    He took off his hat and changed his coat, glanced at the letters and then at the men who were waiting to see him. He made a slight sign with one finger, and the first in the queue stepped into the office. They filed past him one by one and answered his questions. He put them very briefly, keeping his eyes fixed on the applicant's face.

    "Age? Experience? Why did you leave your job?"

    He listened to the replies without expression. When it came to Philip's turn he fancied that Mr. Gibbons stared at him curiously. Philip's clothes were neat and tolerably cut. He looked a little different from the others.

    "Experience?"

    "I'm afraid I haven't any, " said Philip.

    "No good. "

    Philip walked out of the office. The ordeal had been so much less painful than he expected that he felt no particular disappointment. He could hardly hope to succeed in getting a place the first time he tried. He had kept the newspaper and now looked at the advertisements again: a shop in Holborn needed a salesman too, and he went there; but when he arrived he found that someone had already been engaged. If he wanted to get anything to eat that day he must go to Lawson's studio before he went out to luncheon, so he made his way along the Brompton Road to Yeoman's Row.

    "I say, I'm rather broke till the end of the month, " he said as soon as he found an opportunity. "I wish you'd lend me half a sovereign, will you?"

    It was incredible the difficulty he found in asking for money; and he remembered the casual way, as though almost they were conferring a favour, men at the hospital had extracted small sums out of him which they had no intention of repaying.

    "Like a shot, " said Lawson.

    But when he put his hand in his pocket he found that he had only eight shillings. Philip's heart sank.

    "Oh well, lend me five bob, will you?" he said lightly.

    "Here you are. "

    Philip went to the public baths in Westminster and spent sixpence on a bath. Then he got himself something to eat. He did not know what to do with himself in the afternoon. He would not go back to the hospital in case anyone should ask him questions, and besides, he had nothing to do there now; they would wonder in the two or three departments he had worked in why he did not come, but they must think what they chose, it did not matter: he would not be the first student who had dropped out without warning. He went to the free library, and looked at the papers till they wearied him, then he took out Stevenson's New Arabian Nights; but he found he could not read: the words meant nothing to him, and he continued to brood over his helplessness. He kept on thinking the same things all the time, and the fixity of his thoughts made his head ache. At last, craving for fresh air, he went into the Green Park and lay down on the grass. He thought miserably of his deformity, which made it impossible for him to go to the war. He went to sleep and dreamt that he was suddenly sound of foot and out at the Cape in a regiment of Yeomanry; the pictures he had looked at in the illustrated papers gave materials for his fancy; and he saw himself on the Veldt, in khaki, sitting with other men round a fire at night. When he awoke he found that it was still quite light, and presently he heard Big Ben strike seven. He had twelve hours to get through with nothing to do. He dreaded the interminable night. The sky was overcast and he feared it would rain; he would have to go to a lodging-house where he could get a bed; he had seen them advertised on lamps outside houses in Lambeth: Good Beds sixpence; he had never been inside one, and dreaded the foul smell and the vermin. He made up his mind to stay in the open air if he possibly could. He remained in the park till it was closed and then began to walk about. He was very tired. The thought came to him that an accident would be a piece of luck, so that he could be taken to a hospital and lie there, in a clean bed, for weeks. At midnight he was so hungry that he could not go without food any more, so he went to a coffee stall at Hyde Park Corner and ate a couple of potatoes and had a cup of coffee. Then he walked again. He felt too restless to sleep, and he had a horrible dread of being moved on by the police. He noted that he was beginning to look upon the constable from quite a new angle. This was the third night he had spent out. Now and then he sat on the benches in Piccadilly and towards morning he strolled down to The Embankment. He listened to the striking of Big Ben, marking every quarter of an hour, and reckoned out how long it left till the city woke again. In the morning he spent a few coppers on making himself neat and clean, bought a paper to read the advertisements, and set out once more on the search for work.

    He went on in this way for several days. He had very little food and began to feel weak and ill, so that he had hardly enough energy to go on looking for the work which seemed so desperately hard to find. He was growing used now to the long waiting at the back of a shop on the chance that he would be taken on, and the curt dismissal. He walked to all parts of London in answer to the advertisements, and he came to know by sight men who applied as fruitlessly as himself. One or two tried to make friends with him, but he was too tired and too wretched to accept their advances. He did not go any more to Lawson, because he owed him five shillings. He began to be too dazed to think clearly and ceased very much to care what would happen to him. He cried a good deal. At first he was very angry with himself for this and ashamed, but he found it relieved him, and somehow made him feel less hungry. In the very early morning he suffered a good deal from cold. One night he went into his room to change his linen; he slipped in about three, when he was quite sure everyone would be asleep, and out again at five; he lay on the bed and its softness was enchanting; all his bones ached, and as he lay he revelled in the pleasure of it; it was so delicious that he did not want to go to sleep. He was growing used to want of food and did not feel very hungry, but only weak. Constantly now at the back of his mind was the thought of doing away with himself, but he used all the strength he had not to dwell on it, because he was afraid the temptation would get hold of him so that he would not be able to help himself. He kept on saying to himself that it would be absurd to commit suicide, since something must happen soon; he could not get over the impression that his situation was too preposterous to be taken quite seriously; it was like an illness which must be endured but from which he was bound to recover. Every night he swore that nothing would induce him to put up with such another and determined next morning to write to his uncle, or to Mr. Nixon, the solicitor, or to Lawson; but when the time came he could not bring himself to make the humiliating confession of his utter failure. He did not know how Lawson would take it. In their friendship Lawson had been scatter-brained and he had prided himself on his common sense. He would have to tell the whole history of his folly. He had an uneasy feeling that Lawson, after helping him, would turn the cold shoulder on him. His uncle and the solicitor would of course do something for him, but he dreaded their reproaches. He did not want anyone to reproach him: he clenched his teeth and repeated that what had happened was inevitable just because it had happened. Regret was absurd.

    The days were unending, and the five shillings Lawson had lent him would not last much longer. Philip longed for Sunday to come so that he could go to Athelny's. He did not know what prevented him from going there sooner, except perhaps that he wanted so badly to get through on his own; for Athelny, who had been in straits as desperate, was the only person who could do anything for him. Perhaps after dinner he could bring himself to tell Athelny that he was in difficulties. Philip repeated to himself over and over again what he should say to him. He was dreadfully afraid that Athelny would put him off with airy phrases: that would be so horrible that he wanted to delay as long as possible the putting of him to the test. Philip had lost all confidence in his fellows.

    Saturday night was cold and raw. Philip suffered horribly. From midday on Saturday till he dragged himself wearily to Athelny's house he ate nothing. He spent his last twopence on Sunday morning on a wash and a brush up in the lavatory at Charing Cross.



第一百章

星期六。菲利普曾答应房东太太在这一天缴纳房租。一个星期来,他天天引颈期待着什么新情况出现,结果什么工作也没找着。他可从未沦入这般绝望的境地,因而不觉茫然,束手无策。他内心里总认为这一切是个荒谬绝伦的玩笑。他身边只有几枚铜币,凡是用不着穿的衣服都典卖光了。他的住处还有几本书和一些零星什物,兴许还可以卖一两个先令。可是,房东太太却虎视眈眈地望着他的一举一动,他生怕自己从住处拿东西出来时遭到房东太太的阻截。唯一的办法就是直截了当地告诉房东太太,说他缴不起房租,可他又役有这么个勇气。眼下是六月中旬,夜晚倒还温暖宜人。于是,菲利普决定在外过夜。他沿着切尔西长堤缓步而行,那河面一平如镜,无声无息。最后,他走累了,便坐在一张长条椅上打个盹儿。他蓦地从梦中惊醒过来,不知自己睡了多久。他梦见一位警察把他推醒,催逼着他继续往前走。但是,他张开眼皮一看,发觉身边并无旁人。不知怎么的,他又抬步朝前走去,最后来到奇齐克,在那儿又睡了一觉。长条椅硬撅撅的,睡得很不舒服,不多时他便醒了。这一夜似乎特别的长。他不禁打了个寒颤。一股凄苦之情爬上了他的心头,不知究竟怎么办才好。他为自己竟在长堤上过夜而感到害臊,觉得这件事似乎特别丢脸。坐在暗地里,他直觉得双颊阵阵发烫。此刻,他回想起那些从前亦有过此番经历的人们对他讲的话来,而那些人中间,有的还是当牧师、军官的,还有曾经念过大学的哩。他暗自纳闷,自己是否也会成为他们中间的一员,去加入那列排在慈善机关前面的队伍中去,等着施舍一碗汤喝。与其如此,倒不如以自杀了此残生,他可不能像那样子苟且偷生。劳森要是得知他落到这般田地,肯定会向他伸出援助之手的。为了顾全面子而不去恳求帮助,这种做法是荒唐的。他真弄不懂自己怎么会堕入这般凄惨的境地的。他一向审时度势,总是尽力去做自己认为是最好的事情,可眼下一切都乱了套。他总是力所能及地帮助别人,并不认为他比其他任何人来得更为自私,可如今他却陷入了这种困厄的境地,事情似乎太不公平了。

但是,尽坐着空想又顶什么事呢。他继续朝前走着。此时,晨光熹微,万籁俱寂,那条河显得优美极了,四周似乎弥漫着一种神秘莫测的气氛。这天定是个好天,黎明时的颖穹,白苍苍的,无一丝云彩。菲利普感到心力交瘁,饥饿在啮蚀着五脏六腑,但又不能定下心来坐着歇息,因为他一直在担心会受到警察的盘洁。他可受不了那种耻辱。他发觉自己身上很脏,很希望能洗上一把澡。最后,他来到汉普顿宫,感到要不吃点东西填填肚子,准会哇地哭出声来。于是,他选了家下等馆子走了进去。馆子热气腾腾,使得他有点儿恶心。他本打算吃些富有营养的食物,以维持以后几天的日子,但一看见食物,却又不住地反胃。他只喝了杯茶,吃了些涂黄油的面包。此刻,他记起了这天是星期天,他满可以上阿特尔涅家去,他们家可能会吃烤牛肉和富有约克郡地方风味的布丁。但是他疲惫个堪,无力面对那幸福的、喧嚷的家庭。他愁眉不展,心情讲透了,只想自个儿呆在一个地方。于是,他决定走进汉普顿宫内花园里去,静静地躺一会儿。他浑身骨头疼痛不已。或许,他可以找到个水泵房,这样就可以洗洗脸和手,还可以喝它几口,因为此刻他渴得嗓子眼里直冒烟。眼下肚子泡了,他又饶有情趣地想起了鲜花、草坪和婷婷如盖的大树来了,觉得在那样的环境下,可以更好地为今后作出谋划。他嘴里叼着烟斗,仰面躺在绿荫下的草坪上。为了节省起见,很长一段时间以来,他每天只准自己抽两袋烟。看着烟斗里还能装满烟丝,一股感激之情从心底涌泛上来。别人身无分文时是怎么样打发日子的,他可不知道。不一会儿,他酣然入梦了。一觉醒来,已是中午时分。他想,呆不了多久,就得动身去伦敦,争取次日凌晨赶到那儿,去应对那些有所作为的招聘广告。菲利普想起了牧师大伯,他曾许诺死后把他的些许财产留给自己的。这笔遗产的数目究竟有多大,菲利普毫无所知:至多不过几百英镑罢了。他不知道能否去提他即将继承的这笔钱财。唉,不经那老东西的同意,这笔钱是提不出来的,而他大伯眼睛不闭是永远不会撒手的。

"我唯一能做的就是耐心等待,等到他死!"

菲利普盘算起他大伯的年龄来。那位布莱克斯泰勃教区牧师早过了古稀之年,还患有慢性支气管炎。可许多老人都身患同样的疾病,却一个个抱住尘世不放,死期还遥遥无期呢。不过在这期间,总会有什么新情况出现的。菲利普总觉得他的境况有些反常,人们处在他特殊的位子上是决计不会挨饿的。正因为他不愿相信他目下的境况是真的,所以他并不失望。他打定主意,去向劳森先借上半个英镑。菲利普一整天呆在汉普顿宫内花园里,肚子饿了就抽上几口烟,不到动身去伦敦的时候,他不去吃东西,因为那段路还不短哩,他得为走完这段路程而养精蓄锐。天气转凉以后,他才动身朝伦敦走去,走累了,就在路边的长条椅上躺上一会儿。一路上没有一个人打扰他。到了维多利亚大街,他梳洗整容了一番,喝了杯茶,吃了点涂黄油的面包。吃东西的当儿,他浏览着晨报上的广告栏,目光停留在几家遐迩闻名的公司的装饰织品部招聘售货员的广告上。他的心不由得莫名其妙地变得有些儿沉重。囿于中产阶段的偏见,他觉得踏进商店去当售货员怪丢人现眼的,但他耸了耸双肩。说到底,这又有什么要紧的呢?他决定去试它一试。菲利普不觉诧异起来,觉得自己对每一次遭受的耻辱都逆来顺受,甚至还堂而皇之地迎上前去,就像是在胁迫命运同自己摊牌似的。他怀着难言的羞赧心情,于九时来到装饰织品部。这时,他发现已经有许多人赶在自己的头里先到了。他们中间从十六岁的少年到四十岁的成年男子各种年龄的人都有。有几个人压低了声音在交谈着,但大多数都缄默不语。菲利普站进队伍里的时候,周围的人都向他投来充满敌意的一瞥。这当儿,他听到有个人在说:

"我盼只盼早点通知我落选的消息,这样我好及时到别处去找工作。"

站在身后的那个人朝菲利普瞥了一眼,随即问了一句:

"您过去做过这种工作吗?"

"没做过。"

那个人顿了顿后便接着说道:"吃过了午饭,即使是小客栈,未经事先预订房间,也是不会接待你的。"

菲利普两眼望着那些店员,只见有的在忙着悬挂擦光印花布和印花装饰布,还有的人呢,他听身边的人介绍说,他们是在整理从乡间邮来的订货单。约莫九点一刻的光景,经理到了。他听到队伍里有人告诉另一个人说这位就是吉本斯先生。此人中年模样,矮矮胖胖的,蓄着浓密的胡子。深色的头发,油光可鉴。他动作轻快,脸上一副精明相。他头上戴了顶丝绸质地的帽子,身上着了一件礼服大衣,翻领上别了朵绿叶簇拥着的洁白的天竺葵。他径直走进办公室,让门敞开着。那间办公室很小,角落里摆着一张美国式的有活动顶板的书桌,此外,就是一个书橱和一个柜子。站在门外的人望着吉本斯先生慢条斯理地从大衣翻领上取下天竺葵,把它插入盛满水的墨水瓶里。据说上班时别花是违反规定的。

(这天上班时间,店员们为了讨好他们的顶头上司,一个个竞相赞美那枝天竺葵。

"我这辈子还从没见过比这更美的花儿呢,"他们争先恐后地说。"总不会是你自个儿种的吧?"

"是我自个儿种的,"吉本斯先生说着,脸上笑容可掬,那对聪慧的眼睛里流露出一丝自豪的光芒。)

吉本斯先生摘下帽子,换下礼服大衣后,瞟了一眼桌上的信件,随后又朝站在门外的那些人瞥了一眼。他微微弯了弯手指,打了个手势,于是站在队伍里的第一个人便进了他的办公室。这些人一个挨着一个打他面前走过,回答着他的发问。他问得很简短,在发问的当儿,两眼死死地盯视着应试人员的脸孔。

"年龄?经历?你为什么离开你以前的工作?"

他脸上毫无表情地听着别人的答话。轮到菲利普时,菲利普觉得吉本斯先生用一种异样的眼光凝视着他。这天菲利普穿着整洁,衣服裁剪得还算贴身,显得有些儿与众不同。

"有何经历?"

"对不起,我从没干过这类工作,"菲利普答道。

"那不行。"

菲利普走出了办公室,此番经历并没有给他带来比想象的更为剧烈的痛苦,所以他也不觉得特别难受。他不可能存有一下子就能找到职位的奢望。此时,他手里还拿着那张报纸,便又在广告栏里找开了。他发现霍尔本地区有爿商店也在招聘一名售货员。可是,到那儿一看,这一职位已经给人占了。这一天他还想吃东西的话,那就得赶在劳森外出用餐之前到达劳森的画室。他沿着布朗普顿路信步朝自由民街走去。

"喂,月底之前,我手头一个钱也没有了,"菲利普一有机会便对劳森说。"我希望你能借给我半个英镑,好吗?"

他发现开口向别人借钱可真难哪。此时,他回想起医院里有些人向他借钱时的那种漫不经心的样子来,他们从他手里借走钱,非但无意归还,而且看上去还像是他们在赐予他恩典似的。

"非常乐意,"劳森说。

可是,劳森把手伸进口袋掏钱时,发觉自己总共才有八个先令。菲利普的心一下子凉了半截。

"嗯,呃,那就借给我五个先令吧,好吗?"他轻轻地说道。

"喏,给你五先令。"

菲利普来到威斯敏斯特一家公共浴室,花了六便士洗了个澡。然后,他买了点食物填了填肚子。他自己也不知道如何打发这天下午的时光。他不愿再回到医院去,生怕被人撞见问这问那的,再说,眼下那儿也没他干的事了。他曾经呆过的两三个科室里的人对他的不露面兴许会感到纳闷,不过他们爱怎么想就怎么想吧,反正他也不是第一个不告而别的人。他来到免费图书馆,借了几张报纸看起来,看腻了就抽出史蒂文森的《新天方夜谭》。但是,他发觉一个字也看不进去。书上写的对他来说毫无意思,因为他还在不停地考虑着他眼下困厄的境地。他脑子里翻来复去地考虑着同样的问题,头都胀了。后来,他渴望着吸口新鲜空气,便从图书馆出来,来到格林公园,仰天躺在草坪上。他怏怏不乐地想起了自己的残疾,正因为自己是个跛子,才没能上前线去打仗。他渐渐进入了梦乡,梦见自己的脚突然变好了,远离祖国来到好望角的骑兵团队。他在报纸上的插图里看到的一切为他的想象添上了翅膀。他看到自己在费尔德特,身穿卡其军服,夜间同旁人一道围坐在篝火旁。他醒来时,发觉天色尚早,不一会儿,耳边传来议院塔上的大钟当当接连敲了七下。他还得百无聊赖地打发余下的十二个小时呢,他特别害怕那漫漫的长夜。天上阴云密布,他担心天快下雨了。这样,他得上寄宿舍去租张铺过夜。他曾在兰佩思那儿看到寄宿舍门前的灯罩上亮着的广告:床铺舒适,六便士一个铺位。可他从来没进去住过,而且也怕那里面的令人作呕的气味和虫子。他打定主意,只要天公作美,就在外头宿夜。他在公园里一直呆到清园闭门,然后才起身到处溜达。眼下,他感到疲惫不堪。蓦然间,他想要是能碰上个事故,兴许倒是个好运气。那样的话,他就可以被送进医院,在干干净净的床铺上躺上几个星期。子夜时分,他饥饿实在难忍,于是便上海德公园拐角处吃了几片马铃薯,喝了杯咖啡。接着,他又到处游荡。他内心烦躁不安,毫无睡意,而且生怕遇上警察来催促他不停地往前走。他注意到自己渐渐地从一个新的角度来看待那些警察了。这是他在外露宿的第三个夜晚了。他不时地坐在皮卡迪利大街上的长条凳上小歇一会,破晓时分,便信步朝切尔西长堤踅去。他谛听着议院塔上的大钟的当当钟声,每过一刻钟便做个记号,心里盘算着还得呆多久城市才能苏醒过来。早晨,他花了几枚铜币梳洗打扮了一番,买了张报纸浏览上面的广告栏的消息,接着便动身继续去寻找工作。

接连数日,他都是这样度过的。他进食很少,渐渐觉得浑身懒洋洋的,软弱无力,再也打不起精神去寻找工作,而要找到工作看上去确比登天还难。他抱着能被录取的一线希望,久久地等待在商店的门口,却被人家三言两语就打发走了。对此,他也慢慢地习以为常了。他瞧着招聘广告的说明,按图索骥,跑遍了整个伦敦去寻求工作。可是没多久,他发现一些面熟的人也同他一样一无所获。他们中间有那么一两个人想同他交个朋友,可是他疲倦不堪,没精打采的,也懒得接受他们的友好表示。以后他再也没有去找过劳森,因为他还欠劳森五个先令未还呢。近来,他成天公头昏眼花,脑子也不好使,对以后他究竟会落得个什么结局,他也不怎么介意了。他经常哭泣,起初他还不住地生自己的气,觉得怪丢人的,可后来他发觉哭了一场,心里反而觉得好受些了,至少使得他感到肚子也不怎么饿了。凌晨时分,寒风刺骨,他可遭罪了。一天深夜,他溜进寓所去换了换内衣。约莫凌晨三点光景,他断定这时屋内的人们还在酣睡,便悄然无声地溜进了房间,又于早上五点偷偷地溜了出来。在这期间,他仰卧在柔软的床铺上,心里着实痛快。此时,他浑身骨头阵阵酸痛。他静静地躺在床上,扬扬得意地领略着这番乐趣,感到惬意至极,怎么也睡不着。他对食不果腹的日子慢慢习惯了,倒也不大觉得肚子饿,只是觉得浑身无力而已。眼下,他脑海里常常掠过自杀的念头,但是他竭尽全力不让自己去想这个问题,生怕自杀的念头一旦占了上风,他就无法控制住自己。他一再默默地告诫自己,自杀的举动是荒唐的,因为要不了多久,他就会时来运转的。他说什么也摆脱不了这样的印象:他眼下所处的困境显得太荒谬,因此他根本就没有把它当真。他认为这好比是一场他不得不忍受的疾病,但最后终究是会从这场疾病中康复过来的。每天夜里,他都赌咒,发誓,无论什么力量都不能使他再忍受一次这样的打击,并决心次日早晨给他大伯和律师尼克逊先生,或者劳森写封信。可是到了第二天早晨,他怎么也不想低三下四地向他们承认自己的失败。他不清楚劳森知道了他的情况后会有何反应。在他们的友好交往中,劳森一向是轻率浮躁的,而他却为自己略通世故人情而感到自豪。他将不得不把自己的愚蠢行为向劳森和盘托出。在接济了他一次以后,劳森很可能会让他吃闭门羹,对此,菲利普心里惴惴不安。至于他的大伯和那位律师,他们肯定会有所表示的,不过,他怕他们会呵斥自己,而他自己可不愿受任何人的呵斥。他咬紧牙关,心里不住地默默念叨着:事情既然发生了,那就是不可避免的了,懊恼是荒唐可笑的。

这样的日子过了一天又一天,可劳森借给他的五先令却维持不了多久。菲利普殷切期盼着星期肾快快到来,这样,他就可以上阿特尔涅家去。究竟是什么阻拦他迟迟不去阿特尔涅家的,菲利普自己也说不清楚,兴许是他想独自熬过这一难关的缘故吧。虽说阿特尔涅家道艰难,过着捉襟见肘的日子,可眼下也只有阿特尔涅能够为他排难解闷了。或许在吃过午饭后,他可以把自己的难处告诉给阿特尔涅。他嘴里不断地念叨着他要对阿特尔涅说的话。他十分担心阿特尔涅会说些惠而不实的漂亮话来打发他,要是那样的话,他可真受不了。因此,他想尽可能地拖延时间,迟一点让自己去尝那种遭人冷遇的苦味。此时,菲利普对他的伙伴都丧失了信心。

星期六的夜晚,又湿又冷。菲利普吃足了苦头。从星期六中午起直到他拖着疲乏的步子上阿特尔涅家这段时间里,他粒米未吃,滴水未进。星期天早晨,他在查里恩十字广场的盥洗室里花去了身上仅剩的两便士,梳洗了一番。

wj宝宝

ZxID:11619415


等级: 内阁元老
青春又回来了嘛(*^▽^*)
举报 只看该作者 101楼  发表于: 2014-09-02 0



chapter 99

Philip began to pawn his clothes. He reduced his expenses by eating only one meal a day beside his breakfast; and he ate it, bread and butter and cocoa, at four so that it should last him till next morning. He was so hungry by nine o'clock that he had to go to bed. He thought of borrowing money from Lawson, but the fear of a refusal held him back; at last he asked him for five pounds. Lawson lent it with pleasure, but, as he did so, said:

    "You'll let me have it back in a week or so, won't you? I've got to pay my framer, and I'm awfully broke just now. "

    Philip knew he would not be able to return it, and the thought of what Lawson would think made him so ashamed that in a couple of days he took the money back untouched. Lawson was just going out to luncheon and asked Philip to come too. Philip could hardly eat, he was so glad to get some solid food. On Sunday he was sure of a good dinner from Athelny. He hesitated to tell the Athelnys what had happened to him: they had always looked upon him as comparatively well-to-do, and he had a dread that they would think less well of him if they knew he was penniless.

    Though he had always been poor, the possibility of not having enough to eat had never occurred to him; it was not the sort of thing that happened to the people among whom he lived; and he was as ashamed as if he had some disgraceful disease. The situation in which he found himself was quite outside the range of his experience. He was so taken aback that he did not know what else to do than to go on at the hospital; he had a vague hope that something would turn up; he could not quite believe that what was happening to him was true; and he remembered how during his first term at school he had often thought his life was a dream from which he would awake to find himself once more at home. But very soon he foresaw that in a week or so he would have no money at all. He must set about trying to earn something at once. If he had been qualified, even with a club-foot, he could have gone out to the Cape, since the demand for medical men was now great. Except for his deformity he might have enlisted in one of the yeomanry regiments which were constantly being sent out. He went to the secretary of the Medical School and asked if he could give him the coaching of some backward student; but the secretary held out no hope of getting him anything of the sort. Philip read the advertisement columns of the medical papers, and he applied for the post of unqualified assistant to a man who had a dispensary in the Fulham Road. When he went to see him, he saw the doctor glance at his club-foot; and on hearing that Philip was only in his fourth year at the hospital he said at once that his experience was insufficient: Philip understood that this was only an excuse; the man would not have an assistant who might not be as active as he wanted. Philip turned his attention to other means of earning money. He knew French and German and thought there might be some chance of finding a job as correspondence clerk; it made his heart sink, but he set his teeth; there was nothing else to do. Though too shy to answer the advertisements which demanded a personal application, he replied to those which asked for letters; but he had no experience to state and no recommendations: he was conscious that neither his German nor his French was commercial; he was ignorant of the terms used in business; he knew neither shorthand nor typewriting. He could not help recognising that his case was hopeless. He thought of writing to the solicitor who had been his father's executor, but he could not bring himself to, for it was contrary to his express advice that he had sold the mortgages in which his money had been invested. He knew from his uncle that Mr. Nixon thoroughly disapproved of him. He had gathered from Philip's year in the accountant's office that he was idle and incompetent.

    "I'd sooner starve, " Philip muttered to himself.

    Once or twice the possibility of suicide presented itself to him; it would be easy to get something from the hospital dispensary, and it was a comfort to think that if the worst came to the worst he had at hand means of making a painless end of himself; but it was not a course that he considered seriously. When Mildred had left him to go with Griffiths his anguish had been so great that he wanted to die in order to get rid of the pain. He did not feel like that now. He remembered that the Casualty Sister had told him how people oftener did away with themselves for want of money than for want of love; and he chuckled when he thought that he was an exception. He wished only that he could talk his worries over with somebody, but he could not bring himself to confess them. He was ashamed. He went on looking for work. He left his rent unpaid for three weeks, explaining to his landlady that he would get money at the end of the month; she did not say anything, but pursed her lips and looked grim. When the end of the month came and she asked if it would be convenient for him to pay something on account, it made him feel very sick to say that he could not; he told her he would write to his uncle and was sure to be able to settle his bill on the following Saturday.

    "Well, I 'ope you will, Mr. Carey, because I 'ave my rent to pay, and I can't afford to let accounts run on. " She did not speak with anger, but with determination that was rather frightening. She paused for a moment and then said: "If you don't pay next Saturday, I shall 'ave to complain to the secretary of the 'ospital. "

    "Oh yes, that'll be all right. "

    She looked at him for a little and glanced round the bare room. When she spoke it was without any emphasis, as though it were quite a natural thing to say.

    "I've got a nice 'ot joint downstairs, and if you like to come down to the kitchen you're welcome to a bit of dinner. "

    Philip felt himself redden to the soles of his feet, and a sob caught at his throat.

    "Thank you very much, Mrs. Higgins, but I'm not at all hungry. "

    "Very good, sir. "

    When she left the room Philip threw himself on his bed. He had to clench his fists in order to prevent himself from crying.



第九十九章

菲利普开始典当衣服。为了紧缩开支,除了早饭,他每天就吃一餐,仅用些面包、奶油和可可。这一餐是在下午四时,这样可以熬到第二天早晨。到了晚上九时,饥肠辘辘,无力支撑,只得上床睡觉。他曾考虑去向劳森告贷,但因害怕吃闭门羹而畏葸不前,最后熬不过,还是去向他借了五英镑。劳森非常乐意借钱给菲利普,不过在借钱的当儿,却说:

"你会在一个星期左右的时间里还给我的,是不?我还得用这个钱去付给我做画框的人的工钱,再说我眼下手头也紧得很哪。"

菲利普深知自己到时根本还不出这笔钱来,但想到劳森不知对自己会有什么看法时,他感到很不好意思。于是,三两天以后,又把这笔钱原封不动地退还给劳森。劳森正要外出吃中饭,见了菲利普便邀请他一道进餐。菲利普根本吃不起什么东西,当然很乐意跟他一道去吃顿像样的饭菜。星期天,他肯定可以在阿特尔涅家吃上一顿美餐。他对是否把自己的事儿告诉阿特尔涅一家有点犹豫不决,因为他们一直认为他颇为殷实,生怕他们一旦知道了他身上不名一文以后会不怎么看重他。

虽说他日子一向过得并不富裕,可他从来不曾想到会落到饿肚子的地步。这种事情是从来不会在跟他生活在一起的人们中间发生的。他感到羞愧难言,就像是患有一种不光彩的疾病似的。他的经验已不足以对付目下所处的困境。他除了继续在医院于下去之外,不知道还能做些什么,对此,他感到不胜惊愕。他有个模糊的希望:事情总会好转的,他不怎么相信眼下发生的事儿会是真的。想当初刚开始上学那会儿,他常常想他的学校生活不过是场梦,一觉醒来就会发觉自己回到了家里的。但是不久,他想到一个星期左右之后他将囊空如洗,一文不名,得赶紧想法子赚些钱。要是早已取得了医生资格,即使拖了只跛足,他还是可以到好望角去,因为当时对医护人员的需求量极大。要不是身有残疾,他兴许早被征入经常被派出国外的义勇骑兵队了。菲利普找到了医学院的秘书,询问是否可以让他辅导智力差的学生,但是那位秘书却说他根本无望做这种事儿。菲利普阅读医学界报纸上的广告栏,发现有个人在富勒姆路上开了爿药房,便去向这个人申请当一名无医生资格的助手。菲利普上门去找那个人洽谈时,发觉那位医生朝他的跛足瞥了一眼。当听到菲利普说自己还是个四年级生,那医生便立即表示他的经验还不够。菲利普心里明白这只是个托辞而已,那个人是不愿录用一位不像他想象中那么灵活的助手的。随后,菲利普把注意力转向其他赚钱的方式。他既懂法文又懂德文,凭这一点,也许能找到个文书的职位。虽然羞于按广告要求预先寄一份个人申请书,但他还是向那些要求出示证件的公司提出了申请。不过他毫无资历可言,也没有人给他推荐。他意识到无论是他的法文还是他的德文,都不足以应付生意经,因为他对商业用语一窍不通,再说他既不会速记也不会打字。他不得不承认自己到了山穷水尽的地步。他考虑给那位作为他父亲遗嘱执行人的律师写封信,但是又终究不敢写,因为他违背了这位律师的明白无误的劝告,把抵押着他的全部财产的契据卖了个精光。菲利普从大伯那儿得知,尼克逊先生一点儿也不喜欢他。尼克逊先生从会计室里得知,菲利普这一年里是既毫无作为又吊儿郎当。

"我宁肯饿死,"菲利普喃喃地自言自语。

有那么一两次,他起了自杀的念头。从医院药房里很容易就可以搞到些毒药,想到这里,他不无欣慰地认为,即使事情到了最坏的地步,他手边就有毫无痛苦地结果自己生命的办法。但是,这件事他压根儿没认真考虑过。当米尔德丽德遗弃他随格里菲思出走时,他悲恸欲绝,真想以一死来了却精神上的痛苦。可眼下他并不像那次一样想寻死觅活的。菲利普记起了急救室那位女护士对他说的一番话。她说,人们更经常的是为无钱而不是为失恋而自杀的。他认为自己倒是个例外。在这当儿,他不禁扑哧一声笑了起来。菲利普多么希望能对人诉说自己满腹的忧虑,但他又不能让自己把这些忧虑和盘托出。他感到难为情。他继续外出寻找工作。他已经三个星期未付房租了,对房东太太解释说他到月底才能得到笔钱。房东太太听后没有做声,只是噘起了嘴巴,脸上冷若冰霜。到了月底,房东太太跑来询问菲利普,说让他先付些房租这种做法是否适宜。房东太太的话使他感到一阵恶心。他说手头无钱,付不出房租,但他告诉房东太太,说他将写信给他大伯,下星期六他肯定能够结清积欠的赁金。

"嗯,我希望你能结清欠帐,凯里先生,因为我自己也得交房租呀,我可无法老是让帐拖欠下去。"她说话时虽说语气平和,但话中夹带着一种使人发憷的斩钉截铁的味儿。她顿了顿后又说:"下星期六你再不付房租,我可要去向医院秘书告状了。"

"喔,会付的,你就放心吧。"

房东太太瞧了他一会儿,随即朝空荡荡的房间扫视了一眼。等她再次启口时,仍然口气平平,语调平缓,仿佛是在说一件最平淡无奇的事儿似的。

"我楼下有块热乎乎、香喷喷的大块肉,如果你愿意到楼下厨房去的话,我欢迎你来分享这顿午饭。"

菲利普顿时感到自己浑身燥热,羞得无地自容,差一点没哭出声来。

"太谢谢您了,希金斯太太,不过我现在一点儿也不觉得饿。"

"那好,先生。"

房东太太一走,菲利普猛地扑倒在床上,使劲握紧双拳,竭力克制住不让自己哭出声来。

wj宝宝

ZxID:11619415


等级: 内阁元老
青春又回来了嘛(*^▽^*)
举报 只看该作者 100楼  发表于: 2014-09-02 0



chapter 98

And now it happened that the fortunes of Philip Carey, of no consequence to any but himself, were affected by the events through which his country was passing. History was being made, and the process was so significant that it seemed absurd it should touch the life of an obscure medical student. Battle after battle, Magersfontein, Colenso, Spion Kop, lost on the playing fields of Eton, had humiliated the nation and dealt the death-blow to the prestige of the aristocracy and gentry who till then had found no one seriously to oppose their assertion that they possessed a natural instinct of government. The old order was being swept away: history was being made indeed. Then the colossus put forth his strength, and, blundering again, at last blundered into the semblance of victory. Cronje surrendered at Paardeberg, Ladysmith was relieved, and at the beginning of March Lord Roberts marched into Bloemfontein.

It was two or three days after the news of this reached London that Macalister came into the tavern in Beak Street and announced joyfully that things were looking brighter on the Stock Exchange. Peace was in sight, Roberts would march into Pretoria within a few weeks, and shares were going up already. There was bound to be a boom.

‘Now’s the time to come in,’ he told Philip. ‘It’s no good waiting till the public gets on to it. It’s now or never.’

He had inside information. The manager of a mine in South Africa had cabled to the senior partner of his firm that the plant was uninjured. They would start working again as soon as possible. It wasn’t a speculation, it was an investment. To show how good a thing the senior partner thought it Macalister told Philip that he had bought five hundred shares for both his sisters: he never put them into anything that wasn’t as safe as the Bank of England.

‘I’m going to put my shirt on it myself,’ he said.

The shares were two and an eighth to a quarter. He advised Philip not to be greedy, but to be satisfied with a ten-shilling rise. He was buying three hundred for himself and suggested that Philip should do the same. He would hold them and sell when he thought fit. Philip had great faith in him, partly because he was a Scotsman and therefore by nature cautious, and partly because he had been right before. He jumped at the suggestion.

‘I daresay we shall be able to sell before the account,’ said Macalister, ‘but if not, I’ll arrange to carry them over for you.’

It seemed a capital system to Philip. You held on till you got your profit, and you never even had to put your hand in your pocket. He began to watch the Stock Exchange columns of the paper with new interest. Next day everything was up a little, and Macalister wrote to say that he had had to pay two and a quarter for the shares. He said that the market was firm. But in a day or two there was a set-back. The news that came from South Africa was less reassuring, and Philip with anxiety saw that his shares had fallen to two; but Macalister was optimistic, the Boers couldn’t hold out much longer, and he was willing to bet a top-hat that Roberts would march into Johannesburg before the middle of April. At the account Philip had to pay out nearly forty pounds. It worried him considerably, but he felt that the only course was to hold on: in his circumstances the loss was too great for him to pocket. For two or three weeks nothing happened; the Boers would not understand that they were beaten and nothing remained for them but to surrender: in fact they had one or two small successes, and Philip’s shares fell half a crown more. It became evident that the war was not finished. There was a lot of selling. When Macalister saw Philip he was pessimistic.

‘I’m not sure if the best thing wouldn’t be to cut the loss. I’ve been paying out about as much as I want to in differences.’

Philip was sick with anxiety. He could not sleep at night; he bolted his breakfast, reduced now to tea and bread and butter, in order to get over to the club reading-room and see the paper; sometimes the news was bad, and sometimes there was no news at all, but when the shares moved it was to go down. He did not know what to do. If he sold now he would lose altogether hard on three hundred and fifty pounds; and that would leave him only eighty pounds to go on with. He wished with all his heart that he had never been such a fool as to dabble on the Stock Exchange, but the only thing was to hold on; something decisive might happen any day and the shares would go up; he did not hope now for a profit, but he wanted to make good his loss. It was his only chance of finishing his course at the hospital. The Summer session was beginning in May, and at the end of it he meant to take the examination in midwifery. Then he would only have a year more; he reckoned it out carefully and came to the conclusion that he could manage it, fees and all, on a hundred and fifty pounds; but that was the least it could possibly be done on.

Early in April he went to the tavern in Beak Street anxious to see Macalister. It eased him a little to discuss the situation with him; and to realise that numerous people beside himself were suffering from loss of money made his own trouble a little less intolerable. But when Philip arrived no one was there but Hayward, and no sooner had Philip seated himself than he said:

‘I’m sailing for the Cape on Sunday.’

‘Are you!’ exclaimed Philip.

Hayward was the last person he would have expected to do anything of the kind. At the hospital men were going out now in numbers; the Government was glad to get anyone who was qualified; and others, going out as troopers, wrote home that they had been put on hospital work as soon as it was learned that they were medical students. A wave of patriotic feeling had swept over the country, and volunteers were coming from all ranks of society.

‘What are you going as?’ asked Philip.

‘Oh, in the Dorset Yeomanry. I’m going as a trooper.’

Philip had known Hayward for eight years. The youthful intimacy which had come from Philip’s enthusiastic admiration for the man who could tell him of art and literature had long since vanished; but habit had taken its place; and when Hayward was in London they saw one another once or twice a week. He still talked about books with a delicate appreciation. Philip was not yet tolerant, and sometimes Hayward’s conversation irritated him. He no longer believed implicitly that nothing in the world was of consequence but art. He resented Hayward’s contempt for action and success. Philip, stirring his punch, thought of his early friendship and his ardent expectation that Hayward would do great things; it was long since he had lost all such illusions, and he knew now that Hayward would never do anything but talk. He found his three hundred a year more difficult to live on now that he was thirty-five than he had when he was a young man; and his clothes, though still made by a good tailor, were worn a good deal longer than at one time he would have thought possible. He was too stout and no artful arrangement of his fair hair could conceal the fact that he was bald. His blue eyes were dull and pale. It was not hard to guess that he drank too much.

‘What on earth made you think of going out to the Cape?’ asked Philip.

‘Oh, I don’t know, I thought I ought to.’

Philip was silent. He felt rather silly. He understood that Hayward was being driven by an uneasiness in his soul which he could not account for. Some power within him made it seem necessary to go and fight for his country. It was strange, since he considered patriotism no more than a prejudice, and, flattering himself on his cosmopolitanism, he had looked upon England as a place of exile. His countrymen in the mass wounded his susceptibilities. Philip wondered what it was that made people do things which were so contrary to all their theories of life. It would have been reasonable for Hayward to stand aside and watch with a smile while the barbarians slaughtered one another. It looked as though men were puppets in the hands of an unknown force, which drove them to do this and that; and sometimes they used their reason to justify their actions; and when this was impossible they did the actions in despite of reason.

‘People are very extraordinary,’ said Philip. ‘I should never have expected you to go out as a trooper.’

Hayward smiled, slightly embarrassed, and said nothing.

‘I was examined yesterday,’ he remarked at last. ‘It was worth while undergoing the gene of it to know that one was perfectly fit.’

Philip noticed that he still used a French word in an affected way when an English one would have served. But just then Macalister came in.

‘I wanted to see you, Carey,’ he said. ‘My people don’t feel inclined to hold those shares any more, the market’s in such an awful state, and they want you to take them up.’

Philip’s heart sank. He knew that was impossible. It meant that he must accept the loss. His pride made him answer calmly.

‘I don’t know that I think that’s worth while. You’d better sell them.’

‘It’s all very fine to say that, I’m not sure if I can. The market’s stagnant, there are no buyers.’

‘But they’re marked down at one and an eighth.’

‘Oh yes, but that doesn’t mean anything. You can’t get that for them.’

Philip did not say anything for a moment. He was trying to collect himself.

‘D’you mean to say they’re worth nothing at all?’

‘Oh, I don’t say that. Of course they’re worth something, but you see, nobody’s buying them now.’

‘Then you must just sell them for what you can get.’

Macalister looked at Philip narrowly. He wondered whether he was very hard hit.

‘The only thing I can do is to hang on somehow till he dies.’

Philip reckoned his age. The Vicar of Blackstable was well over seventy. He had chronic bronchitis, but many old men had that and lived on indefinitely. Meanwhile something must turn up; Philip could not get away from the feeling that his position was altogether abnormal; people in his particular station did not starve. It was because he could not bring himself to believe in the reality of his experience that he did not give way to utter despair. He made up his mind to borrow half a sovereign from Lawson. He stayed in the garden all day and smoked when he felt very hungry; he did not mean to eat anything until he was setting out again for London: it was a long way and he must keep up his strength for that. He started when the day began to grow cooler, and slept on benches when he was tired. No one disturbed him. He had a wash and brush up, and a shave at Victoria, some tea and bread and butter, and while he was eating this read the advertisement columns of the morning paper. As he looked down them his eye fell upon an announcement asking for a salesman in the ‘furnishing drapery’ department of some well-known stores. He had a curious little sinking of the heart, for with his middle-class prejudices it seemed dreadful to go into a shop; but he shrugged his shoulders, after all what did it matter? and he made up his mind to have a shot at it. He had a queer feeling that by accepting every humiliation, by going out to meet it even, he was forcing the hand of fate. When he presented himself, feeling horribly shy, in the department at nine o’clock he found that many others were there before him. They were of all ages, from boys of sixteen to men of forty; some were talking to one another in undertones, but most were

‘No,’ said Philip.

Philip looked at the assistants. Some were draping chintzes and cretonnes, and others, his neighbour told him were preparing country orders that had come in by post. At about a quarter past nine the buyer arrived. He heard one of the men who were waiting say to another that it was Mr. Gibbons. He was middle-aged, short and corpulent, with a black beard and dark, greasy hair. He had brisk movements and a clever face. He wore a silk hat and a frock coat, the lapel of which was adorned with a white geranium surrounded by leaves. He went into his office, leaving the door open; it was very small and contained only an American roll-desk in the corner, a bookcase, and a cupboard. The men standing outside watched him mechanically take the geranium out of his coat and put it in an ink-pot filled with water. It was against the rules to wear flowers in business.

[During the day the department men who wanted to keep in with the governor admired the flower.

‘I’ve never seen better,’ they said, ‘you didn’t grow it yourself?’

‘Yes I did,’ he smiled, and a gleam of pride filled his intelligent eyes.]

He took off his hat and changed his coat, glanced at the letters and then at the men who were waiting to see him. He made a slight sign with one finger, and the first in the queue stepped into the office. They filed past him one by one and answered his questions. He put them very briefly, keeping his eyes fixed on the applicant’s face.

‘Age? Experience? Why did you leave your job?’

He listened to the replies without expression. When it came to Philip’s turn he fancied that Mr. Gibbons stared at him curiously. Philip’s clothes were neat and tolerably cut. He looked a little different from the others.

‘Experience?’

‘I’m afraid I haven’t any,’ said Philip.

‘No good.’

Philip walked out of the office. The ordeal had been so much less painful than he expected that he felt no particular disappointment. He could hardly hope to succeed in getting a place the first time he tried. He had kept the newspaper and now looked at the advertisements again: a shop in Holborn needed a salesman too, and he went there; but when he arrived he found that someone had already been engaged. If he wanted to get anything to eat that day he must go to Lawson’s studio before he went out to luncheon, so he made his way along the Brompton Road to Yeoman’s Row.

‘I say, I’m rather broke till the end of the month,’ he said as soon as he found an opportunity. ‘I wish you’d lend me half a sovereign, will you?’

It was incredible the difficulty he found in asking for money; and he remembered the casual way, as though almost they were conferring a favour, men at the hospital had extracted small sums out of him which they had no intention of repaying.

‘Like a shot,’ said Lawson.

But when he put his hand in his pocket he found that he had only eight shillings. Philip’s heart sank.

‘Oh well, lend me five bob, will you?’ he said lightly.

‘Here you are.’

Philip went to the public baths in Westminster and spent sixpence on a bath. Then he got himself something to eat. He did not know what to do with himself in the afternoon. He would not go back to the hospital in case anyone should ask him questions, and besides, he had nothing to do there now; they would wonder in the two or three departments he had worked in why he did not come, but they must think what they chose, it did not matter: he would not be the first student who had dropped out without warning. He went to the free library, and looked at the papers till they wearied him, then he took out Stevenson’s New Arabian Nights; but he found he could not read: the words meant nothing to him, and he continued to brood over his helplessness. He kept on thinking the same things all the time, and the fixity of his thoughts made his head ache. At last, craving for fresh air, he went into the Green Park and lay down on the grass. He thought miserably of his deformity, which made it impossible for him to go to the war. He went to sleep and dreamt that he was suddenly sound of foot and out at the Cape in a regiment of Yeomanry; the pictures he had looked at in the illustrated papers gave materials for his fancy; and he saw himself on the Veldt, in khaki, sitting with other men round a fire at night. When he awoke he found that it was still quite light, and presently he heard Big Ben strike seven. He had twelve hours to get through with nothing to do. He dreaded the interminable night. The sky was overcast and he feared it would rain; he would have to go to a lodging-house where he could get a bed; he had seen them advertised on lamps outside houses in Lambeth: Good Beds sixpence; he had never been inside one, and dreaded the foul smell and the vermin. He made up his mind to stay in the open air if he possibly could. He remained in the park till it was closed and then began to walk about. He was very tired. The thought came to him that an accident would be a piece of luck, so that he could be taken to a hospital and lie there, in a clean bed, for weeks. At midnight he was so hungry that he could not go without food any more, so he went to a coffee stall at Hyde Park Corner and ate a couple of potatoes and had a cup of coffee. Then he walked again. He felt too restless to sleep, and he had a horrible dread of being moved on by the police. He noted that he was beginning to look upon the constable from quite a new angle. This was the third night he had spent out. Now and then he sat on the benches in Piccadilly and towards morning he strolled down to The Embankment. He listened to the striking of Big Ben, marking every quarter of an hour, and reckoned out how long it left till the city woke again. In the morning he spent a few coppers on making himself neat and clean, bought a paper to read the advertisements, and set out once more on the search for work.

He went on in this way for several days. He had very little food and began to feel weak and ill, so that he had hardly enough energy to go on looking for the work which seemed so desperately hard to find. He was growing used now to the long waiting at the back of a shop on the chance that he would be taken on, and the curt dismissal. He walked to all parts of London in answer to the advertisements, and he came to know by sight men who applied as fruitlessly as himself. One or two tried to make friends with him, but he was too tired and too wretched to accept their advances. He did not go any more to Lawson, because he owed him five shillings. He began to be too dazed to think clearly and ceased very much to care what would happen to him. He cried a good deal. At first he was very angry with himself for this and ashamed, but he found it relieved him, and somehow made him feel less hungry. In the very early morning he suffered a good deal from cold. One night he went into his room to change his linen; he slipped in about three, when he was quite sure everyone would be asleep, and out again at five; he lay on the bed and its softness was enchanting; all his bones ached, and as he lay he revelled in the pleasure of it; it was so delicious that he did not want to go to sleep. He was growing used to want of food and did not feel very hungry, but only weak. Constantly now at the back of his mind was the thought of doing away with himself, but he used all the strength he had not to dwell on it, because he was afraid the temptation would get hold of him so that he would not be able to help himself. He kept on saying to himself that it would be absurd to commit suicide, since something must happen soon; he could not get over the impression that his situation was too preposterous to be taken quite seriously; it was like an illness which must be endured but from which he was bound to recover. Every night he swore that nothing would induce him to put up with such another and determined next morning to write to his uncle, or to Mr. Nixon, the solicitor, or to Lawson; but when the time came he could not bring himself to make the humiliating confession of his utter failure. He did not know how Lawson would take it. In their friendship Lawson had been scatter-brained and he had prided himself on his common sense. He would have to tell the whole history of his folly. He had an uneasy feeling that Lawson, after helping him, would turn the cold shoulder on him. His uncle and the solicitor would of course do something for him, but he dreaded their reproaches. He did not want anyone to reproach him: he clenched his teeth and repeated that what had happened was inevitable just because it had happened. Regret was absurd.

The days were unending, and the five shillings Lawson had lent him would not last much longer. Philip longed for Sunday to come so that he could go to Athelny’s. He did not know what prevented him from going there sooner, except perhaps that he wanted so badly to get through on his own; for Athelny, who had been in straits as desperate, was the only person who could do anything for him. Perhaps after dinner he could bring himself to tell Athelny that he was in difficulties. Philip repeated to himself over and over again what he should say to him. He was dreadfully afraid that Athelny would put him off with airy phrases: that would be so horrible that he wanted to delay as long as possible the putting of him to the test. Philip had lost all confidence in his fellows.

Saturday night was cold and raw. Philip suffered horribly. From midday on Saturday till he dragged himself wearily to Athelny’s house he ate nothing. He spent his last twopence on Sunday morning on a wash and a brush up in the lavatory at Charing Cross.



第九十八章

菲利普手头的些许钱财,在别人眼里是九牛一毛,可对他本人来说,却是性命攸关。可就是他这笔微乎其微的钱财,却也受到他的祖国目下所经历的一连串事件的影响。人们正在作出名垂青史的业绩,这一过程具有极其伟大的意义,但竟波及到一名默默无闻的医科学生的人生道路,似乎又有些荒谬。马格斯方丹、科伦索、斯平·科珀的相继败北,使国家蒙受奇耻大辱、给贵族绅士们的威信以致命的一击。那些贵族绅士一向宣称他们天生具有治理国家的能力,在这之前,他们还没有谁敢认真地向他们这一断言挑战过呢。然而,旧秩序在土崩瓦解;人们真的在作出名垂史册的光辉业绩。接着,巨人施展其威力,可因仓促上阵又犯了大错。最后竟无意中造成了一种种胜利的假象。克隆杰在派尔德堡投降了,莱迪史密斯解围了。三月初,罗伯兹勋爵开进了布隆方丹。

这则消息传至伦敦两三天后,马卡利斯特一走进皮克大街那家酒菜馆,就高兴地嚷道,股票交易所的情况大有起色。战火不日就要平息,不出几个星期,罗伯兹就要开进比勒陀利亚,股票行情已经涨了,而且很快就会暴涨。

"好机会来了,"他对菲利普说。"可等到大家都抢购股票就不行了。功败垂成,就在此一举啦!"

马卡利斯特还打听到内部消息。南非的一座矿山的经理给他所在公司的一位高级合伙人打了一份电报,电报中说工厂未受丝毫破坏。他们将尽快复工。那可不是投机,而是一宗投资。为了表明那位高级合伙人也认为形势无限好,马卡利斯特还告诉菲利普,说那位高级合伙人为他两个姐姐各买进了五百股。要不是那个企业跟英格兰银行一样牢靠,他那个人是从不轻易向任何企业投资的。

"鄙人就准备孤注一掷,"马卡利斯特说。

每份股票为二又八分之一至四分之一英镑。马卡利斯特劝菲利普不要太贪心,能涨十先令也该满足了。他自己准备买进三百股,并建议菲利普也买同样数目的股票。他将把股票攥在手里,一有合适的机会便把它们抛售出去。菲利普非常信任马卡利斯特,一方面因为马卡利斯特是个苏格兰人,而苏格兰人办事生来就小心谨慎,另一方面因为上一次他给菲利普赚了些钱。于是,菲利普二话没说,当场认购了同样数目的股票。

"我想我们一定能够抢在交易冻结之前把股票抛售出去,"马卡利斯特说,"万一不行,我就设法把本钱交还给你。"

对菲利普来说,这个办法再好也没有了。你尽可沉住气,直到有利可图时再抛售出去,这样自己永远也不必掏钱。他又开始怀着兴趣浏览报纸上刊登股票交易所消息的专栏。第二天,无论什么都往上涨了一点,马卡利斯特写信来说他不得不用二又四分之一英镑买一股。他说市况坚挺。不过,一两天之后,股票行情有所下跌。南非方面来的消息令人不安,菲利普不无忧虑地看到自己的股票跌了两成。可是马卡利斯特却充满了乐观,他认为布尔人撑不了多长时间,四月中旬以前,罗伯兹将挺进至约翰内斯堡,并为之跟菲利普赌一顶大礼帽。结帐时,菲利普得付出将近四十英镑。这件事把他的心弄得七上八下的,不过他觉得唯一的选择就是咬紧牙关坚持到底:照他的境况来说,这笔损失他可付不起呀。以后的两三个星期内,一点动静都没有。那些布尔人却不愿承认他们打输了,不承认他们目下别无他路只有投降这个结局,事实上,他们还取得了一两次小小的胜利呢。菲利普的股票又下跌了半个克朗。事情很明显,战争还未能结束。人们纷纷抛售手中的股票。在同菲利普见面时,马卡利斯特对前途悲观失望。

"趁损失不大时,赶快撒手这个办法不知是否是个上策。我支付的数目跟我想得到的差额的数目一样儿。"

菲利普郁郁不乐,忧心如焚,夜不成眠。为了要赶到俱乐部阅览室去看报纸,他三口两口就把早饭扒拉下肚。这些日子他早饭只是喝杯茶,吃上几片牛油面包。消息时好时坏,有时干脆什么消息都没有。股票行情不动则已,要动就是往下跌。他惶惶然不知所措。要是现在把股票脱手,那他实实足足要亏损三百五十英镑,这样一来,他手头就只剩有八十英镑维持生活了。他衷心希望当初他不那么傻,不到股票交易所去投机赚钱该有多好啊,尽管如此,目前唯一的办法就是硬硬头皮顶下去。具有决定性意义的事情随时都可能发生,到时候,股票行情又会看涨。眼下,他可没有赚钱的奢望,一心只想弥补自己的亏空。这是他得以在圣路加医院完成学业的唯一机会。夏季学期五月份开学,学期结束时,他将参加助产学的考试。此后,他再学一年就可以结业了。他心里仔仔细细地盘算了一番,只要有一百五十英镑,就足以付学费以及其他一切费用,但是一百五十英镑已经是最低限度的数字了,有了这笔款子,他才能学完全部课程。

三月初的一天,他走进皮克大街那家酒菜馆,一心想在那里碰上马卡利斯特。同他在一起议论战争形势,菲利普觉得内心会稍微宽松一些;当意识到除自己以外还有数不胜数的人们同遭拈据之苦,菲利普便感到自己的痛苦变得不再那么难以忍受了。菲利普走进一看,只见除了海沃德以外,旁人谁也没来。他刚坐下去,海沃德就开口说道:

"星期天,我要乘船去好望角了。"

"真的!"菲利普惊叫了一声。

菲利普万万没想到海沃德会上好望角。医院里也有许多人要出去。政府对凡是取得了当医生资格的人都表示欢迎。其他人出去都是当骑兵,可他们纷纷写信回来说上司一得知他们是医科学生,便把他们分配到医院去工作了。举国上下顿时掀起了一股爱国热浪,社会各阶层的人都纷纷自愿报名奔赴前线。

"你是以什么身分去的?"

"哦,我是去当骑兵的,被编在多塞特义勇骑兵队里。"

菲利普认识海沃德已有八个年头了。他们俩青年时代的那种亲密情谊已消失得无影无踪。那种亲密情谊源于菲利普对一个能够给他谈论文学艺术的人发自内心的敬慕之情。但是取代这种亲密情谊的是礼尚往来的世俗习惯。海沃德在伦敦的时候,他们俩每个星期碰一两次面。海沃德依旧带着一种幽雅、欣赏的口吻谈论着各种各样的书籍,菲利普都听腻了。有时,海沃德的谈吐弄得他怪恼火的。菲利普不再盲目相信世间除了艺术别的都毫无意义的那种陈词滥凋了,还对海沃德轻视实践和不求进取甚为反感。菲利普拿起杯子,晃了晃杯中的混合酒。这当儿,他想起了自己早年对海沃德所怀的友好情谊以及他殷切地期待着海沃德有所作为的事儿。这一切幻想,早已像肥皂泡似的破灭了。他心里明白,海沃德除了夸夸其谈外旁的什么事也成不了。海沃德已是三十五岁的人了,他发觉每年三百英镑的进帐越来越不够开销,可这点钱他年轻时还觉得颇为宽裕的呢。他身上穿的衣服,虽说依然是高级裁缝师缝制的,但穿的时间要长得多了,这在过去他认为是不时能的事。他身材太高大了,那头浅色头发梳理得也不得法,未能遮盖得住秃秃的脑顶心。他那对蓝眼睛浑浊、呆滞。不难看出,他喝酒太多了。

"你怎么想起要上好望角的呢?"菲利普脱口问了一声。

"噢,我也说不清楚,我想我应该这样。"

菲利普缄默不语,感到腌(月赞)极了。他心里明白,海沃德是在一种躁动不安的情感驱使下才上好望角的,而这种情感从何而来,海沃德本人也说不清。他体内有股力量在推着他奔赴前线去为祖国而战。他一向认为爱国热忱不过是一种偏见,又自我标榜笃信世界主义,他一直把英国视作一块流放之地,可又采取目下这一行动,此事简直令人不可思议。他的同胞们伤害了他的感情。菲利普心中不由得纳闷起来,究竟是什么促使人们做出跟他们的人生哲学截然相反的事情来的呢?要是让海沃德脸带微笑地袖手旁观野蛮人互相残杀,似乎显得更合理些。这一切似乎都表明,人们不过是被一种看不见的力量玩弄于股掌之上的傀儡而已,是它在驱使人们做出这样或那样的事情。有时,人们还凭借理智来为其行动辩护,要是做不到这一点,他们干脆悍然不顾理智,一味地蛮干。

"人真是特别,"菲利普说,"我万万没料到你会去当骑兵。"

海沃德微微笑了笑,神色显得有些尴尬,但没有说话。

"昨天我体检过了,"海沃德最后说,"只要知道自己体魄很健全,就是受点ggne,那也还是值得的。"

菲利普发觉,本来完全可以用英语表达的意思,海沃德却矫揉造作地用了个法文字。就在这时候,马卡利斯特一脚走了进来。

"我正想找你,凯里,"他说。"我们那儿的人都不想继续抱着股票不放了,市况很不景气,所以他们都想叫你认兑股票。"

菲利普的心不由得一沉。他知道那样是不行的,因为那样做意味着他得承受一笔损失,但碍于自尊心,他还是操着平稳的语调回答说:

"我不晓得我的想法好还是不好。你还是把股票抛出去算了。"

"嘴上说说倒省劲,我还没有把握能不能把股票卖出去呢。市况萧条,一个买主也找不到哇。"

"对股票的价格已跌到了一又八分之一英镑了哇。"

"噢,是的,不过这也无济于事。就是卖出去也卖不到那个价呀。""

菲利普沉吟了半晌,极力使自己的情绪镇静下来。

"那你的意思是说股票一钱不值罗?"

"哦,我可没这么说。它们当然还是值几个钱的,不过,要知道,眼下没人来买呀。"

"那你一定得把它们抛售出去,能得多少就得多少。"

马卡利斯特眯缝着双眼瞅着菲利普,怀疑他是否被这个坏消息给震懵了。

"实在抱歉,老伙计,不过我们俩是风雨同舟啊。谁料到战争会像这样子拖延下去呢。是我拖累了你,可我自己也搭在里头呀。"

"这没有关系,"菲利普说,"人总是要冒险的嘛。"

菲利普说罢转身回到桌子边的座位上。他刚才是站着跟马卡利斯特说话的。菲利普惊得直发愣,脑瓜突然胀痛欲裂,然而他不想让在座的其他两位认为他懦弱,便又陪着坐了一个小时。不管他们俩说什么,他都发狂似的哈哈大笑。最后他离座告辞了。

"你对待这件事的态度非常冷静,"马卡利斯特在他握手的当儿说,"我想任何一个人损失了三四百英镑都不会像你这样处之泰然。"

一回到那间狭小、简陋的卧室,菲利普便一头扑倒在床上,伤心绝望透顶。他对自己的愚蠢行为非常懊悔。尽管他不住地告诫自己懊悔是荒唐的,因为木已成舟,无法挽回,但是他还是情难自已,悔恨不已。他痛苦极了,怎么也合不上眼。前几年中,他白白地浪费金钱的种种情景,一股脑儿地涌现在他的脑海里。他头疼得仿佛要炸开似的。

第二天傍晚,邮差在递送当天的最后一批邮件时,给他送来了帐单。随即,他翻了翻自己的银行存折,发现付清一切帐目以后,仅落得七个英镑。七个英镑!谢天谢地,他总算还有钱付清这些帐目。要是他不得不告诉马卡利斯特,说自己没钱付帐,那该是多么可怕呀。夏季学期期间,菲利普在眼科病房当敷裹员。他曾从一位学生手里买得一副检眼镜。他还没有付钱呢,但是他又没有勇气去对那位学生说自己不再想买那副检眼镜了。再说,他还得买些书籍。他手头还有五英镑左右。他靠这点钱过了六个星期。随后,他给牧师大伯写了封信,他认为这封信完全是用一种谈公事的口吻写成的。他在信中说,由于战争的缘故,他遭受了重大损大,除非他大伯伸手拉他一把,否则他就不能继续他的学业。他在信中恳请大伯借给他一百五十英镑,在以后一年半中按月寄给他。对这笔钱他将付利息,并许诺在他开始挣钱以后,将逐步偿还本金。他最迟在一年半以后就可以取得当医生的资格了,到那时,他肯定能得到一个周薪为三英镑的助手职位。他大伯回信说他无能为力,并说在眼下一切都跌价的情况下,叫他去变卖些许财产的做法是不道德的。至于他手头现有的几个钱,为了对他本人负责起见,他觉得很有必要仍旧由他保管,以备万一生病时好用。在信写结束的时候,他还稍稍训诫了菲利普几句,说他过去曾一而再、再而三地告诫菲利普,可菲利普只是把他的话当作耳边风。他不能不坦率地说,他对菲利普目下的处境并不感到奇怪。因为他早就认为菲利普花钱一向大手大脚,入不敷出,最后落得这种结局本是在意料之中的。在读信的当儿,菲利普的脸一阵红,一阵白。他不曾料到他大伯竟会拒绝他的请求,顿时火冒三丈。但是,他又满腹惆怅。要是他大伯不肯资助他,他就不能继续呆在医院。突然,一阵恐惧感攫住了他的心。他也顾不得面子不面子了,提笔又给那位布莱克斯泰勃教区牧师写了封信,把他的困境描述得十分窘迫。可是,也许菲利普没有把话说清楚,他大伯并未意识到菲利普究竞困难到何种地步。他在回信中说他不能改变初衷,还说菲利普年已二十有五,也该自己挣饭吃了。他死后,菲利普虽可获得些许财产,但是,即使到那时,他也不愿给菲利普留下一个便士的现钱。菲利普感觉得出,信中字里行间流露出了一个多年来反对过他的所作所为而事实又证明反对正确了的人的得意心请。

wj宝宝

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等级: 内阁元老
青春又回来了嘛(*^▽^*)
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chapter 97

Philip awoke with a start next morning, conscious that it was late, and looking at his watch found it was nine o’clock. He jumped out of bed and went into the kitchen to get himself some hot water to shave with. There was no sign of Mildred, and the things which she had used for her supper the night before still lay in the sink unwashed. He knocked at her door.

‘Wake up, Mildred. It’s awfully late.’

She did not answer, even after a second louder knocking, and he concluded that she was sulking. He was in too great a hurry to bother about that. He put some water on to boil and jumped into his bath which was always poured out the night before in order to take the chill off. He presumed that Mildred would cook his breakfast while he was dressing and leave it in the sitting-room. She had done that two or three times when she was out of temper. But he heard no sound of her moving, and realised that if he wanted anything to eat he would have to get it himself. He was irritated that she should play him such a trick on a morning when he had over-slept himself. There was still no sign of her when he was ready, but he heard her moving about her room. She was evidently getting up. He made himself some tea and cut himself a couple of pieces of bread and butter, which he ate while he was putting on his boots, then bolted downstairs and along the street into the main road to catch his tram. While his eyes sought out the newspaper shops to see the war news on the placards, he thought of the scene of the night before: now that it was over and he had slept on it, he could not help thinking it grotesque; he supposed he had been ridiculous, but he was not master of his feelings; at the time they had been overwhelming. He was angry with Mildred because she had forced him into that absurd position, and then with renewed astonishment he thought of her outburst and the filthy language she had used. He could not help flushing when he remembered her final jibe; but he shrugged his shoulders contemptuously. He had long known that when his fellows were angry with him they never failed to taunt him with his deformity. He had seen men at the hospital imitate his walk, not before him as they used at school, but when they thought he was not looking. He knew now that they did it from no wilful unkindness, but because man is naturally an imitative animal, and because it was an easy way to make people laugh: he knew it, but he could never resign himself to it.

He was glad to throw himself into his work. The ward seemed pleasant and friendly when he entered it. The sister greeted him with a quick, business-like smile.

‘You’re very late, Mr. Carey.’

‘I was out on the loose last night.’

‘You look it.’

‘Thank you.’

Laughing, he went to the first of his cases, a boy with tuberculous ulcers, and removed his bandages. The boy was pleased to see him, and Philip chaffed him as he put a clean dressing on the wound. Philip was a favourite with the patients; he treated them good-humouredly; and he had gentle, sensitive hands which did not hurt them: some of the dressers were a little rough and happy-go-lucky in their methods. He lunched with his friends in the club-room, a frugal meal consisting of a scone and butter, with a cup of cocoa, and they talked of the war. Several men were going out, but the authorities were particular and refused everyone who had not had a hospital appointment. Someone suggested that, if the war went on, in a while they would be glad to take anyone who was qualified; but the general opinion was that it would be over in a month. Now that Roberts was there things would get all right in no time. This was Macalister’s opinion too, and he had told Philip that they must watch their chance and buy just before peace was declared. There would be a boom then, and they might all make a bit of money. Philip had left with Macalister instructions to buy him stock whenever the opportunity presented itself. His appetite had been whetted by the thirty pounds he had made in the summer, and he wanted now to make a couple of hundred.

He finished his day’s work and got on a tram to go back to Kennington. He wondered how Mildred would behave that evening. It was a nuisance to think that she would probably be surly and refuse to answer his questions. It was a warm evening for the time of year, and even in those gray streets of South London there was the languor of February; nature is restless then after the long winter months, growing things awake from their sleep, and there is a rustle in the earth, a forerunner of spring, as it resumes its eternal activities. Philip would have liked to drive on further, it was distasteful to him to go back to his rooms, and he wanted the air; but the desire to see the child clutched suddenly at his heartstrings, and he smiled to himself as he thought of her toddling towards him with a crow of delight. He was surprised, when he reached the house and looked up mechanically at the windows, to see that there was no light. He went upstairs and knocked, but got no answer. When Mildred went out she left the key under the mat and he found it there now. He let himself in and going into the sitting-room struck a match. Something had happened, he did not at once know what; he turned the gas on full and lit it; the room was suddenly filled with the glare and he looked round. He gasped. The whole place was wrecked. Everything in it had been wilfully destroyed. Anger seized him, and he rushed into Mildred’s room. It was dark and empty. When he had got a light he saw that she had taken away all her things and the baby’s (he had noticed on entering that the go-cart was not in its usual place on the landing, but thought Mildred had taken the baby out;) and all the things on the washing-stand had been broken, a knife had been drawn cross-ways through the seats of the two chairs, the pillow had been slit open, there were large gashes in the sheets and the counterpane, the looking-glass appeared to have been broken with a hammer. Philip was bewildered. He went into his own room, and here too everything was in confusion. The basin and the ewer had been smashed, the looking-glass was in fragments, and the sheets were in ribands. Mildred had made a slit large enough to put her hand into the pillow and had scattered the feathers about the room. She had jabbed a knife into the blankets. On the dressing-table were photographs of Philip’s mother, the frames had been smashed and the glass shivered. Philip went into the tiny kitchen. Everything that was breakable was broken, glasses, pudding-basins, plates, dishes.

It took Philip’s breath away. Mildred had left no letter, nothing but this ruin to mark her anger, and he could imagine the set face with which she had gone about her work. He went back into the sitting-room and looked about him. He was so astonished that he no longer felt angry. He looked curiously at the kitchen-knife and the coal-hammer, which were lying on the table where she had left them. Then his eye caught a large carving-knife in the fireplace which had been broken. It must have taken her a long time to do so much damage. Lawson’s portrait of him had been cut cross-ways and gaped hideously. His own drawings had been ripped in pieces; and the photographs, Manet’s Olympia and the Odalisque of Ingres, the portrait of Philip IV, had been smashed with great blows of the coal-hammer. There were gashes in the table-cloth and in the curtains and in the two arm-chairs. They were quite ruined. On one wall over the table which Philip used as his desk was the little bit of Persian rug which Cronshaw had given him. Mildred had always hated it.

‘If it’s a rug it ought to go on the floor,’ she said, ‘and it’s a dirty stinking bit of stuff, that’s all it is.’

It made her furious because Philip told her it contained the answer to a great riddle. She thought he was making fun of her. She had drawn the knife right through it three times, it must have required some strength, and it hung now in tatters. Philip had two or three blue and white plates, of no value, but he had bought them one by one for very small sums and liked them for their associations. They littered the floor in fragments. There were long gashes on the backs of his books, and she had taken the trouble to tear pages out of the unbound French ones. The little ornaments on the chimney-piece lay on the hearth in bits. Everything that it had been possible to destroy with a knife or a hammer was destroyed.

The whole of Philip’s belongings would not have sold for thirty pounds, but most of them were old friends, and he was a domestic creature, attached to all those odds and ends because they were his; he had been proud of his little home, and on so little money had made it pretty and characteristic. He sank down now in despair. He asked himself how she could have been so cruel. A sudden fear got him on his feet again and into the passage, where stood a cupboard in which he kept his clothes. He opened it and gave a sigh of relief. She had apparently forgotten it and none of his things was touched.

He went back into the sitting-room and, surveying the scene, wondered what to do; he had not the heart to begin trying to set things straight; besides there was no food in the house, and he was hungry. He went out and got himself something to eat. When he came in he was cooler. A little pang seized him as he thought of the child, and he wondered whether she would miss him, at first perhaps, but in a week she would have forgotten him; and he was thankful to be rid of Mildred. He did not think of her with wrath, but with an overwhelming sense of boredom.

‘I hope to God I never see her again,’ he said aloud.

The only thing now was to leave the rooms, and he made up his mind to give notice the next morning. He could not afford to make good the damage done, and he had so little money left that he must find cheaper lodgings still. He would be glad to get out of them. The expense had worried him, and now the recollection of Mildred would be in them always. Philip was impatient and could never rest till he had put in action the plan which he had in mind; so on the following afternoon he got in a dealer in second-hand furniture who offered him three pounds for all his goods damaged and undamaged; and two days later he moved into the house opposite the hospital in which he had had rooms when first he became a medical student. The landlady was a very decent woman. He took a bed-room at the top, which she let him have for six shillings a week; it was small and shabby and looked on the yard of the house that backed on to it, but he had nothing now except his clothes and a box of books, and he was glad to lodge so cheaply.



第九十七章

次日早晨,菲利普一觉从梦中惊醒,发觉时间不早了,连忙望了望表,只见指针指着九点。他一骨碌从床上跃起,跑进厨房弄了点热水刮了刮脸。此时,连米尔德丽德的人影都未见。她吃晚餐用的餐具都堆在洗涤槽里,还没有洗呢。菲利普走过去敲了敲她的房门。

"醒醒,米尔德丽德,时间不早了。"

米尔德丽德在里面一声不吭。菲利普接着重叩了几下,可她还是闷声不响。菲利普心想她这是故意同自己怄气。此时,菲利普急着要到医院去,没工夫来理会她。他自个儿烧了点水,然后跳进浴缸洗了个澡。浴缸里的水通常是前一天晚上就放好的,以便驱赶寒气。穿衣的当儿,他脑子里在想米尔德丽德总会给他准备好早餐的。他边想边步出浴室,来到起居室。以前有那么两三次,她虽发脾气,但早餐还是给他做的。可是他还没见米尔德丽德有什么动静,此时,他意识到这一回他真想吃东西的话,就得自己动手罗。这天早晨。他一觉睡过了头,可她倒好,还这么捉弄他,菲利普不觉又气又恼。他早餐都准备好了,可还不见米尔德丽德出来,耳边只听得她在卧室里走动的脚步声。她显然是起床了。菲利普自顾自倒了杯茶,切了几片牛油面包,一边吃着。一边往脚上套着靴子。然后,噔噔冲下楼去,穿过小巷,来到大街上等电车。他两眼一眨不眨地望着报亭前的告示牌,搜寻着有关战争的消息。在这同时,他心里暗自思量着前一天晚上发生的事儿。眼下事情算是过去了,第二天再说吧。他忍不住认为这件事太离奇了。他觉得自己太可笑了,连自己的情感都抑制不住,有时候还被它冲得昏头昏脑的。他非常憎恨米尔德丽德,因为是她使得自己陷入眼下这种荒谬的境地的。菲利普重新怀着惊奇的心情,回味着米尔德丽德歇斯底里大发作的场面,以及她嘴里吐出的一连串污言秽语。一想起她最后骂他的话,菲利普的脸就不由得红了,可他只是神情轻蔑地耸了耸双肩。他的同事们一生他的气,总是拿他的残疾来出气,对此,他早就司空见惯了。他还看到医院里有人模仿他一瘸一拐的走路姿势。当然,那些人是不会在他面前学的,总是在他们认为菲利普不注意的时候才模仿。现在他也知道那些人学他走路,绝不是出于一种恶意,而是因为人本来就是一种好模仿的动物。再说,模仿他人的动作是逗人发笑的最简便的办法。他深深懂得这一点,但他永远不能听之任之,无动于衷。

菲利普为自己又要开始工作而感到高兴。走进病房,他觉得里面洋溢着一种愉快、友好的气氛。护士同他打着招呼,脸上挂着职业性的微笑。

"您来得太迟了,凯里先生。"

"昨晚我尽情玩了一个晚上。"

"从你的脸色就看得出来。"

"谢谢。"

菲利普满面春风地走到第一个病人--一个患有结节溃疡的男孩--跟前,给他拆去绷带。那孩子看到了菲利普感到很高兴。菲利普一边给他上干净绷带,一边逗着他玩。菲利普可是病人心目中的宠儿。他对他们总是和颜悦色地问寒问暖;他那双手又柔软又敏捷,病人们从没有疼痛的感觉。可有些敷裹员就不一样,做起事来毛手毛脚,不把病人的痛痒放在心上。菲利普和同事们一道在俱乐部聚会室吃中饭,只是吃几块烤饼和面包,外加一杯可可。他们一边吃着一边议论战事。有些人也准备去参战,然而上司对此事倒挺顶真的,一概不接纳那些尚未获得医院职位的人。有人认为,要是战争继续打下去的话,到时候他们会乐意接纳凡是取得医生资格的人的,不过大多数人都认为要不了一个月就会停战的。眼下罗伯兹就在那儿,形势很快就会好转的。马卡利斯特也持同样看法,并对菲利普说,他们得瞅准机会,抢在宣布停火之前购进股票,到时候,股票行情就会看涨,这样他们俩都能发笔小小的洋财。菲利普托付马卡利斯特一有机会就代为购进股票。夏天赚得的三十英镑,吊起了菲利普的胃口,这次他希望能捞它三百两百的。

一天的工作结束后,菲利普乘电车返回肯宁顿大街。他心里有些纳闷,不知晚上米尔德丽德会做出什么事来呢。一想到她很可能倔头倔脑不搭理自己,菲利普感到腌(月赞)极了。每年这个时候,傍晚温暖宜人,即使光线幽暗的伦敦南端的街上,也充斥着二月那令人昏昏欲睡的气氛。漫长的隆冬季节消逝了,世间万物蠢蠢欲动,一切生物均从长眠中苏醒过来了。整个大地响遍窸窸窣窣声,好似春天重返人间的脚步声,预示着春天又要开始其万世不易的活动了。此时此刻,菲利普实在讨厌回到寓所去,只想坐车朝前再走一程,尽情地呼吸一下户外的新鲜空气。但是,一种急着想见见那孩子的欲望蓦地攫住了他的心。当脑海里浮现出那孩子咧着嘴嘻嘻笑着,一步一颤地向他扑来的情景时,菲利普情不自禁地微笑起来。他来到寓所跟前,抬头一望,只见窗户黑咕隆咚的,心里不觉一惊。他连忙跑上楼去叩房门,但屋里毫无动静。米尔德丽德出门时,总是把钥匙放在门口的蹭鞋垫底下的。菲利普在那儿拿到了房门钥匙。他打开门走进起居室,随手划亮一根火柴。他顿觉出事了,但脑子一时没反应过来,不知究竟出了什么事。他开足煤气,点亮灯盏,灯光把整个房间照得通明雪亮。他朝四下里打量了一番,不禁倒抽了口凉气。房间里被弄得一塌糊涂,所有东西都被捣毁了。顿时,他火冒三丈,一个箭步奔进米尔德丽德的卧室。那里漆黑一团,空空荡荡的。他点了盏灯照了照,发现米尔德丽德把她和孩子的衣物一应席卷而去(刚才进门时,他发觉手推车没放在原处,还以为米尔德丽德推着孩子上街溜达了哩),洗脸架上的东西全被搞坏了,两张椅子上布满纵横交错的砍痕,枕头被撕开了,床上的床单和床罩被刀戳得像破鱼网似的。那面镜子看上去是用榔头敲碎的。菲利普感到不胜惊骇。他转身走进自己的卧室,那儿也是一个样,被搞得乱七八糟,乌烟瘴气。木盆和水罐被砸破了,镜子粉碎了,床单撕成了布条子。米尔德丽德把枕头上的小洞撕开,伸进手去把里面的羽毛掏出来,撒得满地都是。她一刀捅穿了毯子。梳妆台上凌乱地摊着他母亲的一些相片,镜框散架了,玻璃砸得粉碎。菲利普跑进厨房,只见杯子、布丁盆、盘子和碟子等凡能砸碎的东西全都被砸成了碎片。

面对眼前一片凌乱的景象,菲利普气得七窍冒烟,连气都喘不过来。米尔德丽德没留下片言只字,只留下这副烂摊子,以示其满腔的憎恨。菲利普完全想象得出她造孽时那副咬牙切齿、紧绷着脸的神态来。菲利普重新回到起居室,惘然地环顾四周。他感到惊奇的是他内心竟无一丝怨恨。他好奇地凝视着米尔德丽德放在桌子上的菜刀和榔头。随即,他的目光落在扔进壁炉里的那把断裂的切肉用的大餐刀上。米尔德丽德着实花了番时间才把这些东西捣毁的。劳森给他画的那张肖像画被米尔德丽德用刀划了个"十"字,那画面可怕地开裂着。菲利普自己创作的画都被她撕成了碎片。所有的照片、马奈的名画《奥兰毕亚》、安格尔的《女奴》以及腓力普四世的画像都被米尔德丽德用榔头捣烂了。桌布、窗帘和两张安乐椅都留下了斑斑刀痕,破得不能用了。菲利普用作书桌的桌子上方,墙上挂着一条小小的波斯地毯,那还是克朗肖生前赠送给他的。米尔德丽德一向对这条地毯心怀不满。

"如果那是条地毯的话,那就应该把它铺在地板上,"她曾经这样对菲利普说过。"那东西又脏又臭,真不是个玩意儿"

那条波斯地毯惹得米尔德丽德经常发火。菲利普曾对米尔德丽德说过,那条地毯隐含着一个难猜的谜语的谜底,而米尔德丽德印以为菲利普是在讥诮她。她用刀在地毯上连划三下,看来她还真的花了点气力呢。此时,那条地毯拖一块挂一片地悬在墙上。菲利普有两三只蓝白两色相间的盘子,并不值钱,不过是他花很少几个钱一只只陆续买回来的。这几只盘子常常勾起当时购买时的情景,因此他非常珍爱它们。可眼下它们也同遭厄运,碎片溅得满屋都是。书脊也被刀砍了。米尔德丽德还不厌其烦地把未装订成册的法文书拆得一页一页的。壁炉上小小的饰物被弄破扔进了炉膛。凡是能用刀或榔头捣毁的东西都捣毁了。

菲利普的全部财产加起来也卖不到三十英镑,可是其中好多东西已伴随他多年了。菲利普是个会治家的人,非常珍惜那些零星什物,因为那些零星什物都是他的财产呀。他只花了区区几个钱,却把这个家装扮得漂漂亮亮的,又富有个性特征,因此他很为自己这个小小的家感到自豪。他神情颓丧地瘫进了椅子里。他喃喃自语地问道,米尔德丽德怎么会变得如此心狠手辣。转瞬间,一阵惊悸向他心头袭来。他从椅子里一跃而起,三步并作两步地奔进过道,那儿有一只盛放着他全部衣服的柜子。他急切地打开柜门,顿时松了口气。米尔德丽德显然把柜子给忘了,里面的衣服一件都没动过。

他又回到起居室,再次看了看那混乱不堪的场面,茫然不知所措。他无心整理那堆废品。屋里连一点吃的东西都没有。他肚子饿得叽里咕噜直叫唤。他上街胡乱买了点东西填了填肚子。从街上回到寓所时,他心情平静了些。一想到那孩子,菲利普心里不由得咯噔了一下。他思忖着,不知那孩子会不会想念他,刚开始的时候,她也许会想他的,但是过了个把星期之后,怕是会把他忘得一干二净的。啊,终于摆脱了米尔德丽德的胡搅蛮缠,菲利普暗暗额手庆幸。此时,他想起米尔德丽德,心中已没有忿恨,有的只是一种强烈的厌倦感。

"上帝啊,但愿我这辈子再不要碰见米尔德丽德了!"他喟然一声长叹。

眼下,他只有一条路可走,那就是搬出这套房间。他决定第二天上午就通知房东太太,说他不再赁住这套房间了。他无力弥补这场损失,再说,身边余下的几个钱,只够租个租金低廉的房间了。他巴不得赶快离开这套房间:一来租金昂贵,他不能不为此犯愁;二来在这套房间里,米尔德丽德的影子无时不在,无处不有。菲利普一拿定了主张,不付诸行动,他总是心神不定,坐立不安。于是,第二天下午,他领来了一位做旧货生意的经纪人。这位经纪人出价三英镑,买下了那些被毁坏的和未被毁坏的家具什物。两天之后,菲利普搬进了医院对面的一幢房子。他刚进圣路加医院那会儿,就赁住在这儿的。房东太太是个正正经经的女人。菲利普租了个顶楼卧室,她只要他每周付六先令的租金。卧室狭小、简陋,窗户正对屋背后的院子。此时,菲利普除了几件衣服和一箱书籍以外,身边别无长物。不过,菲利普对自己还能住上这间租金不贵的卧室,心里还是很高兴的。


wj宝宝

ZxID:11619415


等级: 内阁元老
青春又回来了嘛(*^▽^*)
举报 只看该作者 98楼  发表于: 2014-09-02 0



chapter 96

The climax came two or three weeks later. Mildred was driven by Philip’s behaviour to a pitch of strange exasperation. There were many different emotions in her soul, and she passed from mood to mood with facility. She spent a great deal of time alone and brooded over her position. She did not put all her feelings into words, she did not even know what they were, but certain things stood out in her mind, and she thought of them over and over again. She had never understood Philip, nor had very much liked him; but she was pleased to have him about her because she thought he was a gentleman. She was impressed because his father had been a doctor and his uncle was a clergyman. She despised him a little because she had made such a fool of him, and at the same time was never quite comfortable in his presence; she could not let herself go, and she felt that he was criticising her manners.

When she first came to live in the little rooms in Kennington she was tired out and ashamed. She was glad to be left alone. It was a comfort to think that there was no rent to pay; she need not go out in all weathers, and she could lie quietly in bed if she did not feel well. She had hated the life she led. It was horrible to have to be affable and subservient; and even now when it crossed her mind she cried with pity for herself as she thought of the roughness of men and their brutal language. But it crossed her mind very seldom. She was grateful to Philip for coming to her rescue, and when she remembered how honestly he had loved her and how badly she had treated him, she felt a pang of remorse. It was easy to make it up to him. It meant very little to her. She was surprised when he refused her suggestion, but she shrugged her shoulders: let him put on airs if he liked, she did not care, he would be anxious enough in a little while, and then it would be her turn to refuse; if he thought it was any deprivation to her he was very much mistaken. She had no doubt of her power over him. He was peculiar, but she knew him through and through. He had so often quarrelled with her and sworn he would never see her again, and then in a little while he had come on his knees begging to be forgiven. It gave her a thrill to think how he had cringed before her. He would have been glad to lie down on the ground for her to walk on him. She had seen him cry. She knew exactly how to treat him, pay no attention to him, just pretend you didn’t notice his tempers, leave him severely alone, and in a little while he was sure to grovel. She laughed a little to herself, good-humouredly, when she thought how he had come and eaten dirt before her. She had had her fling now. She knew what men were and did not want to have anything more to do with them. She was quite ready to settle down with Philip. When all was said, he was a gentleman in every sense of the word, and that was something not to be sneezed at, wasn’t it? Anyhow she was in no hurry, and she was not going to take the first step. She was glad to see how fond he was growing of the baby, though it tickled her a good deal; it was comic that he should set so much store on another man’s child. He was peculiar and no mistake.

But one or two things surprised her. She had been used to his subservience: he was only too glad to do anything for her in the old days, she was accustomed to see him cast down by a cross word and in ecstasy at a kind one; he was different now, and she said to herself that he had not improved in the last year. It never struck her for a moment that there could be any change in his feelings, and she thought it was only acting when he paid no heed to her bad temper. He wanted to read sometimes and told her to stop talking: she did not know whether to flare up or to sulk, and was so puzzled that she did neither. Then came the conversation in which he told her that he intended their relations to be platonic, and, remembering an incident of their common past, it occurred to her that he dreaded the possibility of her being pregnant. She took pains to reassure him. It made no difference. She was the sort of woman who was unable to realise that a man might not have her own obsession with sex; her relations with men had been purely on those lines; and she could not understand that they ever had other interests. The thought struck her that Philip was in love with somebody else, and she watched him, suspecting nurses at the hospital or people he met out; but artful questions led her to the conclusion that there was no one dangerous in the Athelny household; and it forced itself upon her also that Philip, like most medical students, was unconscious of the sex of the nurses with whom his work threw him in contact. They were associated in his mind with a faint odour of iodoform. Philip received no letters, and there was no girl’s photograph among his belongings. If he was in love with someone, he was very clever at hiding it; and he answered all Mildred’s questions with frankness and apparently without suspicion that there was any motive in them.

‘I don’t believe he’s in love with anybody else,’ she said to herself at last.

It was a relief, for in that case he was certainly still in love with her; but it made his behaviour very puzzling. If he was going to treat her like that why did he ask her to come and live at the flat? It was unnatural. Mildred was not a woman who conceived the possibility of compassion, generosity, or kindness. Her only conclusion was that Philip was queer. She took it into her head that the reasons for his conduct were chivalrous; and, her imagination filled with the extravagances of cheap fiction, she pictured to herself all sorts of romantic explanations for his delicacy. Her fancy ran riot with bitter misunderstandings, purifications by fire, snow-white souls, and death in the cruel cold of a Christmas night. She made up her mind that when they went to Brighton she would put an end to all his nonsense; they would be alone there, everyone would think them husband and wife, and there would be the pier and the band. When she found that nothing would induce Philip to share the same room with her, when he spoke to her about it with a tone in his voice she had never heard before, she suddenly realised that he did not want her. She was astounded. She remembered all he had said in the past and how desperately he had loved her. She felt humiliated and angry, but she had a sort of native insolence which carried her through. He needn’t think she was in love with him, because she wasn’t. She hated him sometimes, and she longed to humble him; but she found herself singularly powerless; she did not know which way to handle him. She began to be a little nervous with him. Once or twice she cried. Once or twice she set herself to be particularly nice to him; but when she took his arm while they walked along the front at night he made some excuse in a while to release himself, as though it were unpleasant for him to be touched by her. She could not make it out. The only hold she had over him was through the baby, of whom he seemed to grow fonder and fonder: she could make him white with anger by giving the child a slap or a push; and the only time the old, tender smile came back into his eyes was when she stood with the baby in her arms. She noticed it when she was being photographed like that by a man on the beach, and afterwards she often stood in the same way for Philip to look at her.

When they got back to London Mildred began looking for the work she had asserted was so easy to find; she wanted now to be independent of Philip; and she thought of the satisfaction with which she would announce to him that she was going into rooms and would take the child with her. But her heart failed her when she came into closer contact with the possibility. She had grown unused to the long hours, she did not want to be at the beck and call of a manageress, and her dignity revolted at the thought of wearing once more a uniform. She had made out to such of the neighbours as she knew that they were comfortably off: it would be a come-down if they heard that she had to go out and work. Her natural indolence asserted itself. She did not want to leave Philip, and so long as he was willing to provide for her, she did not see why she should. There was no money to throw away, but she got her board and lodging, and he might get better off. His uncle was an old man and might die any day, he would come into a little then, and even as things were, it was better than slaving from morning till night for a few shillings a week. Her efforts relaxed; she kept on reading the advertisement columns of the daily paper merely to show that she wanted to do something if anything that was worth her while presented itself. But panic seized her, and she was afraid that Philip would grow tired of supporting her. She had no hold over him at all now, and she fancied that he only allowed her to stay there because he was fond of the baby. She brooded over it all, and she thought to herself angrily that she would make him pay for all this some day. She could not reconcile herself to the fact that he no longer cared for her. She would make him. She suffered from pique, and sometimes in a curious fashion she desired Philip. He was so cold now that it exasperated her. She thought of him in that way incessantly. She thought that he was treating her very badly, and she did not know what she had done to deserve it. She kept on saying to herself that it was unnatural they should live like that. Then she thought that if things were different and she were going to have a baby, he would be sure to marry her. He was funny, but he was a gentleman in every sense of the word, no one could deny that. At last it became an obsession with her, and she made up her mind to force a change in their relations. He never even kissed her now, and she wanted him to: she remembered how ardently he had been used to press her lips. It gave her a curious feeling to think of it. She often looked at his mouth.

One evening, at the beginning of February, Philip told her that he was dining with Lawson, who was giving a party in his studio to celebrate his birthday; and he would not be in till late; Lawson had bought a couple of bottles of the punch they favoured from the tavern in Beak Street, and they proposed to have a merry evening. Mildred asked if there were going to be women there, but Philip told her there were not; only men had been invited; and they were just going to sit and talk and smoke: Mildred did not think it sounded very amusing; if she were a painter she would have half a dozen models about. She went to bed, but could not sleep, and presently an idea struck her; she got up and fixed the catch on the wicket at the landing, so that Philip could not get in. He came back about one, and she heard him curse when he found that the wicket was closed. She got out of bed and opened.

‘Why on earth did you shut yourself in? I’m sorry I’ve dragged you out of bed.’

‘I left it open on purpose, I can’t think how it came to be shut.’

‘Hurry up and get back to bed, or you’ll catch cold.’

He walked into the sitting-room and turned up the gas. She followed him in. She went up to the fire.

‘I want to warm my feet a bit. They’re like ice.’

He sat down and began to take off his boots. His eyes were shining and his cheeks were flushed. She thought he had been drinking.

‘Have you been enjoying yourself?’ she asked, with a smile.

‘Yes, I’ve had a ripping time.’

Philip was quite sober, but he had been talking and laughing, and he was excited still. An evening of that sort reminded him of the old days in Paris. He was in high spirits. He took his pipe out of his pocket and filled it.

‘Aren’t you going to bed?’ she asked.

‘Not yet, I’m not a bit sleepy. Lawson was in great form. He talked sixteen to the dozen from the moment I got there till the moment I left.’

‘What did you talk about?’

‘Heaven knows! Of every subject under the sun. You should have seen us all shouting at the tops of our voices and nobody listening.’

Philip laughed with pleasure at the recollection, and Mildred laughed too. She was pretty sure he had drunk more than was good for him. That was exactly what she had expected. She knew men.

‘Can I sit down?’ she said.

Before he could answer she settled herself on his knees.

‘If you’re not going to bed you’d better go and put on a dressing-gown.’

‘Oh, I’m all right as I am.’ Then putting her arms round his neck, she placed her face against his and said: ‘Why are you so horrid to me, Phil?’

He tried to get up, but she would not let him.

‘I do love you, Philip,’ she said.

‘Don’t talk damned rot.’

‘It isn’t, it’s true. I can’t live without you. I want you.’

He released himself from her arms.

‘Please get up. You’re making a fool of yourself and you’re making me feel a perfect idiot.’

‘I love you, Philip. I want to make up for all the harm I did you. I can’t go on like this, it’s not in human nature.’

He slipped out of the chair and left her in it.

‘I’m very sorry, but it’s too late.’

She gave a heart-rending sob.

‘But why? How can you be so cruel?’

‘I suppose it’s because I loved you too much. I wore the passion out. The thought of anything of that sort horrifies me. I can’t look at you now without thinking of Emil and Griffiths. One can’t help those things, I suppose it’s just nerves.’

She seized his hand and covered it with kisses.

‘Don’t,’ he cried.

She sank back into the chair.

‘I can’t go on like this. If you won’t love me, I’d rather go away.’

‘Don’t be foolish, you haven’t anywhere to go. You can stay here as long as you like, but it must be on the definite understanding that we’re friends and nothing more.’

Then she dropped suddenly the vehemence of passion and gave a soft, insinuating laugh. She sidled up to Philip and put her arms round him. She made her voice low and wheedling.

‘Don’t be such an old silly. I believe you’re nervous. You don’t know how nice I can be.’

She put her face against his and rubbed his cheek with hers. To Philip her smile was an abominable leer, and the suggestive glitter of her eyes filled him with horror. He drew back instinctively.

‘I won’t,’ he said.

But she would not let him go. She sought his mouth with her lips. He took her hands and tore them roughly apart and pushed her away.

‘You disgust me,’ he said.

‘Me?’

She steadied herself with one hand on the chimney-piece. She looked at him for an instant, and two red spots suddenly appeared on her cheeks. She gave a shrill, angry laugh.

‘I disgust YOU.’

She paused and drew in her breath sharply. Then she burst into a furious torrent of abuse. She shouted at the top of her voice. She called him every foul name she could think of. She used language so obscene that Philip was astounded; she was always so anxious to be refined, so shocked by coarseness, that it had never occurred to him that she knew the words she used now. She came up to him and thrust her face in his. It was distorted with passion, and in her tumultuous speech the spittle dribbled over her lips.

‘I never cared for you, not once, I was making a fool of you always, you bored me, you bored me stiff, and I hated you, I would never have let you touch me only for the money, and it used to make me sick when I had to let you kiss me. We laughed at you, Griffiths and me, we laughed because you was such a mug. A mug! A mug!’

Then she burst again into abominable invective. She accused him of every mean fault; she said he was stingy, she said he was dull, she said he was vain, selfish; she cast virulent ridicule on everything upon which he was most sensitive. And at last she turned to go. She kept on, with hysterical violence, shouting at him an opprobrious, filthy epithet. She seized the handle of the door and flung it open. Then she turned round and hurled at him the injury which she knew was the only one that really touched him. She threw into the word all the malice and all the venom of which she was capable. She flung it at him as though it were a blow.

‘Cripple!’



第九十六章

两三个星期之后,菲利普和米尔德丽德两人龃龉的局面白热化了。米尔德丽德被菲利普的言谈举止弄得莫名其妙,愤激非常。她心里好比打翻了五味瓶,酸、甜、苦、辣、咸,各种情感一齐涌泛上来,然而她却从容自如地转换着心情。她常常独处一隅,思量着自己日下的处境。她并没有把她全部感情通过嘴说出来,甚至连那些究竟是什么样的情感都闹不清楚,然而浮现在脑海里的某些东西却是那么清晰明显。于是她反反复复地咀嚼着,回味着。她对菲利普一直不理解,也不怎么喜欢他,但有他伴在自己的身旁,她又感到高兴,因为她认为菲利普是位绅士。她之所以有这样的印象,是因为他的父亲是位医生,他的大伯又是名牧师。她又有点瞧不起他,把他当作傻瓜一样地加以戏弄,呆在他面前她心里又总觉得不是个味儿。她下不了一走了之的决心,但又感到菲利普老是在挑她的岔儿,因而心中很是不快。

刚来肯宁顿这套小房间那会儿,她心力交瘁,内心羞愧不已。能过上无人打搅的清静日子,这正是她求之不得的。一想到不用村房租,她心里舒畅极了。不管天好天环,她都不必外出,要是身体不适,还可以安安静静地躺在床上歇息。她对自己以往过的日子深恶痛绝。见人要堆三分笑,还得卑躬屈膝献殷勤,那种营生简直可怕极了。即使现在,当她回想起男人的粗鲁和他们满嘴的秽语时,当那些情景闪现在她脑际时,她忍不住还要为自己凄苦的身世悲恸欲绝地痛哭一场。不过昔日那种生涯很少出现在她的脑海里了。菲利普帮她跳出了火坑,她感激涕零。当她回忆起往日菲利普爱她爱得那么真诚而她待他又是那么不近情理,一种悔恨自责心情袭上心头。同菲利普和好如初,还不是易如反掌。在她看来,这不是什么了不得的大事。当菲利普拒绝她的建议时,她倒不觉吃了一惊,不过她只是轻蔑地耸了耸双肩:他爱摆架子就让他摆吧,她才不在乎呢。要不了多久,他就会变得心急火燎,到那时,就挨到她拒绝啦。要是菲利普认为他那么一摆架子,她就什么办法也没有了,那他就大错特错了。毫无疑问,她还是拿得住他的。菲利普那人是有点叫人捉摸不定,但是这不打紧,他的脾性她可算是摸透了。菲利普常常同她拌嘴,并一再发誓再也不要见到她,可要不了多久,他又跑回来,跪在她面前,乞求宽恕。想到菲利普拜倒在自己面前的那副丑态,米尔德丽德的心头掠过一阵狂喜。菲利普甚至会心片情愿地躺在地上,让她米尔德丽德踏着他的身子走过去。她看到过他痛哭流涕的样子。米尔德丽德可知道该怎么整治菲利普:不理睬他,任他去发脾气,自己只当没看见,故意冷落他,过不了一会儿,他肯定会跑到她面前来摇尾乞怜的。她脑海里蓦地浮现出菲利普在她面前那种奴颜卑膝的可怜相,她不觉扑哧一笑,还觉得怪开心的哩。这一下她可出了气了。男人的滋味,她算是尝够了,眼下并不想同他们发生什么瓜葛。她差不多打定主意要跟菲利普过一辈子了。说千道万,说到底,菲利普毕竟还是个地地道道的绅士,这一点总不能讥诮嘲弄吧?难道不是吗?不管怎么说,她可用不着着急,她也不准备采取主动。看到菲利普愈来愈喜欢她的女儿,米尔德丽德感到很高兴,虽说她有时也觉得可笑。他居然会那么疼爱她与另一个男人所生的孩子,这事太滑稽了。毋庸置疑,菲利普他那个人是有点儿怪。

不过,有那么一两件事情使得她颇觉诧异。菲利普对她一向百依百顺,唯命是从,对此,她倒也习以为常了。在过去,他巴不得给她跑腿做事呢。她常常看到他为自己的一句气话而神情沮丧,为自己的一句好话而欢天喜地。可现在他却变得判若两人。米尔德丽德自言自语地说,这一年来,菲利普的态度丝毫没有转变。她倒从来没料到菲利普的感情竟会起变化,这种可能性在她脑子里连间都没有闪一下,她总以为她发脾气的当儿菲利普那不闻不问的态度完全是假装的。有时他要读书,竟直截了当地叫她闭嘴不要做声。这当儿,她不知自己该怎么办才好,是以牙还牙,发一通火呢,还是忍气吞声,逆来顺受;她感到迷惑不解,竟什么反应也没有。接着,在一次谈话中间,菲利普告诉她,说他只想让他们俩之间的关系成为一种纯粹是精神上的爱恋关系。此时,米尔德丽德记起他俩相好时的一件事情来了,她突然以为菲利普是怕她会怀孕。为此,她苦口婆心地劝慰他,向他保证出不了纸漏,可菲利普却无动于衷,依然故我。像米尔德丽德这种女人,是不可能理解居然有男人会不像她那样迷恋肉欲的,而她本人同男人的关系则纯粹是一种肉体关系。她永远也不能理解男人还会有其他兴趣和爱好。她心中突然萌发出一个念头,认为菲利普另有所爱了。于是她暗暗观察菲利普,怀疑他同医院里的护士或外面的野女人勾搭上了。她巧妙地问了菲利普几个问题,但从他的答话中得知阿特尔涅家中没有她值得忧虑的人物。她还牵强附会地认为,菲利普同其他医科学生一样,因工作关系才同护士接触,可压根儿没有意识到她们是些女性呢。在他的脑子里,她们总是同淡淡的碘仿气味联系在一起的。没有人给菲利普来信,他的东西里也没夹着姑娘的相片。要是他心有所爱的话,他会把相片藏得好好的,可是他总是态度极其坦率地回答米尔德丽德的所有问题,从中找不出一点蛛丝马迹来。

"我深信他没有爱上任何别的女人,"米尔德丽德自言自语地说。

这件事倒使她心上的石头落了地。这么说来,菲利普当然还是爱着她米尔德丽德啰。但是,这又使菲利普的言谈举止显得难以理解。如果他真是那样对待她的话,那当初又为什么要叫她来住在这套寓所里呢?这事不是太离奇了吗!像米尔德丽德这种女人是根本想不到世间还真有可能存在着怜悯、豁达和仁慈的。她得出的唯一结论是菲利普那个人叫人捉摸不透。她甚至还认为,菲利普的举止态度只有一个理由可以解释,那就是他富有骑士风度,非常敬重女人。她的头脑塞满了廉价小说里的那些污七八糟的荒唐事,整天想入非非,对菲利普那令人伤透脑筋的行为作着种种富有浪漫色彩的解释。她的想象纵横驰骋,想起了什么痛苦的误会啦,圣火的涤罪洁身啦,雪白雪白的心灵啦,还有什么圣诞节之夜的严寒冻死人啦,等等。她决心要趁他俩在布赖顿度假期间,断了他那些荒唐念头。因为到了那儿,他们俩就能单独相处,周围的人无疑都会认为他们是一对夫妻。再说,那儿还有码头和管弦乐队呢。当她发觉任凭她说什么都不能使菲利普同她合住一个房间时,当他用一种她从未听到过的声调跟她谈论这件事时,她顿时醒悟到他根本不需要她。此时,她感到不胜惊骇。菲利普以往向她倾诉的痴情话以及昔日他狂热地钟爱着自己的情景,她至今还记忆犹新。她内心里羞恨交集,很不是滋味。但她天生有种傲慢骄横的性格,难过了一阵后也就没事了。菲利普别以为她真的爱他,其实她根本不爱他。有时,她还恨死他了,巴不得有朝一日好好羞辱他一番呢。但是她发觉自己简直无能为力,真不知有什么办法能对付他。跟他在一起的时候,米尔德丽德渐渐变得局促不安起来。她还暗暗痛哭了一两次哩。有几次,她决心对他分外友好,可是当他们并肩在寓所前街上溜达时,她一挽起菲利普的手臂,菲利普总是找个借口脱开身去,仿佛被她一碰就感到很不舒服似的。她百思不得其解。此时,她只有通过她的女儿才能对他施加影响,因为他看上去愈来愈喜欢她的女儿了:她只要给女儿一巴掌或有力的一推,都足以叫菲利普气得脸色发白。

只有当她怀抱女儿站着的时候,菲利普的双眼才会再现昔日那种温柔的笑意。有一次,一位站在海滩上的男人给她和女儿照相时,她才发现这个秘密。从那以后,她常常做出这种姿势,专门让菲利普瞧。

他们俩从布赖顿返回伦敦之后,米尔德丽德开始寻找她声称非常容易找到的工作。此时,她不再想依赖菲利普了,竟畅想起她怀着得意的心情告诉菲利普,说她即将带着孩子搬进新居的情景来了。她想那样才杀气呢。不过,当快要找到工作时,她突然变卦了。她眼下已经变得不习惯干时间老长的活儿了,也不想让女老板支来差去的,况且她的尊严使得她一想起又要穿上制服心里就反感嫌恶。她早就对她所有认识的街坊邻里说过,她跟菲利普日子过得蛮红火的,要是他们听说她不得不外出干活,那她的脸皮往哪里搁呢?她生就的惰性又执著地抬起头来。她不想离开菲利普,再说,只要他心甘情愿地供养她,她不明白自己为什么一定要走呢。诚然,他们不能大手大脚地花钱,不过她到底还有得吃,有得住呀,再说菲利普的境况还会好转的嘛。他的大伯老了,随时都可能咽气,到时候,他就可以得到一笔小小的钱财;即便是眼下这种日子,也比为了一周几个先令而从早到晚当牛做马要强得多呀。于是,她找工作的劲头松了下来,虽然她还是不停地翻阅着报纸上的广告栏,那也只是装装样子,表明只要一有值得她干的活儿,她还是想干活罢了。但是,一种恐惧感攫住了她的心,她生怕菲利普腻味了,不愿再负担她的生活费用。眼下,她根本拿不住菲利普。她思忖着,菲利普之所以还让她留在跟前,是因为他喜欢那个孩子。她心里不停地盘算着,还气呼呼地想有朝一日她一定要向菲利普报仇雪恨。对菲利普再也不喜欢她了这一点,她怎么也不甘心,她要想法子叫他喜欢自己。她气得七窍冒烟,可有时候她又莫名其妙地渴望得到菲利普。现在他的态度竟变得冷若冰霜,真把她给气死了。她就这样不断地思念着菲利普。她认为菲利普对她太残忍了,她也不知道自己到底做错了什么事而要受这份罪。她不断振振有词地说,像他们这样生活在一起,简直不近情理。转而她又想,如果情况是另外一个样,而她又即将临盆分娩,那他肯定会娶她为妻的。菲利普那个人的确古怪,不过他还是个货真价实的绅士,谁也不能否认这一点。久而久之,她都想入迷了,心里拿定主意要采取强硬措施来促使他们之间的关系有个转机。近来他一直不肯吻她,而她却很希望他能亲亲她。她至今还清晰地记得以往他是那么激情奔放地紧贴着她的嘴唇啊。每当想到这件事,她心中不由得生出一种不可名状的情感。她常常目不转睛地瞅着菲利普的嘴。

二月初的一天黄昏,菲利普关照米尔德丽德,说他晚饭要跟劳森在一起吃。那天,劳森要在他画室里办生日宴会。他还说要很迟才能回来。劳森从皮克街上的那家酒菜馆里打了几瓶他们喜欢喝的混合酒。他们准备痛痛快快玩一个晚上。米尔德丽德问那儿有没有女宾,菲利普说那儿没有女宾,只请了几个男人,他们只准备坐坐聊聊天,吸吸烟。米尔德丽德认为这种生日宴会听上去不怎么有趣,要是她是个画家的话,那非得在房间四周摆上半打模特儿不可。她独自上床睡觉,可说什么也睡不着。顿时,她计上心来,随即从床上爬起,跑去把楼梯口的插销插上,这样菲利普就进不来了。午夜一点光景,菲利普才回到寓所,这时她听到了菲利普发现插销被插上后的骂娘声。她爬下床来,跑去把插销拉开。

"你干吗要插上插销睡觉呢?噢,对不起,让我把你从床上拖了出来。"

"我特地把插销拉开的,也不晓得它怎么会插上的。"

"快回去睡觉,要不会着凉的。"

菲利普说罢,便走进起居室,捻亮煤气灯。米尔德丽德跟在他后头走了进来,径直朝壁炉跟前走去。

"我的脚冰冷的,烤烤火暖一暖。"

菲利普坐了下来,开始脱靴子。他那对眸子闪闪发亮,双颊泛着红光。她想他肯定喝酒了。

"玩得痛快吗?"米尔德丽德问罢,朝他嫣然一笑。

"当然啰,玩得可痛快啦!"

菲利普的神志很清醒,不过在劳森那儿他一直不停地说呀笑呀的,因此眼下他还是非常兴奋。这顿夜宵勾起了他对昔日在巴黎生活的情景的回忆。他心情十分激动,从口袋甲掏出烟斗,往烟斗里装着烟丝。

"你还不睡吗?"米尔德丽德问道。

"还不想睡,连一点睡意都没有。劳森的劲头可足了。从我到他画室那刻起,他的嘴巴就没有停过,一直滔滔不绝地讲到我走。"

"你们谈些什么呢?"

"天晓得,海阔天空,无所不谈。你应该去瞧瞧那个场面,我们大家都扯大了嗓门狂呼乱叫,可旁边就没有一个人在听。"

回忆起夜宵情景时,菲利普欢悦地哈哈笑了起来,米尔德丽德也附和着哈哈笑着。她肚里雪亮,菲利普喝酒喝过量了。她还巴不得他喝醉了呢。对男人的习性,她可真算是摸透了。

"我坐下来好吗?"她问了一声。

菲利普还没来得及回话,她已稳稳当当地一屁股坐在他的腿上了。

"你还不睡的话,那最好去披件睡衣。"

"噢,这样很好嘛。"话音刚落,她展开双臂,钩住他的脖子,把脸紧紧地贴着他的脸,接着又说:"你为什么变得这么可怕的呢,菲尔?"

菲利普想站起身子,可她就是不让。

"我爱死你了,菲利普,"她说。

"别讲这种混帐话。"

"这不是假的,是真的。我没有了你就不能活下去。我需要你。"

菲利普挣脱了她钩住自己脖子的双臂。

"请站起来吧。你自己轻狎自己还不算,把我也弄得像个白痴似的。"

"我爱你,菲利普。我想弥补我过去对你的一切过错。我不能再像这个样子活下去了,这样子不合人性呀。"

菲利普从安乐椅里站了起来,把米尔德丽德独自扔在那儿。

"很抱歉,现在为时太迟了。"

米尔德丽德蓦地痛心疾首地抽泣起来。

"可为什么呢?你怎么会变得这样冷酷无情呢?"

"我想,这是因为我过去太爱你的缘故。我那股热情都耗尽了。一想起那种事情,我厌恶得浑身汗毛直竖。现在,每当我看见你,我就不能不联想起埃米尔和格里菲思来。我自己也无法控制,我想,这兴许是神经质吧。"

米尔德丽德一把抓起菲利普的手,在上面吻了个遍。

"快别这样,"菲利普不由得叫了起来。

米尔德丽德神情颓然地瘫进安乐椅中。

"我不能再像这个样子生活下去了。你不爱我,我宁可走。"

"别傻了,你没地方可去,你可以在这儿爱呆多久就呆多久。不过务必记住,我们俩除了朋友关系,别的啥关系都没有。"

猛地,米尔德丽德一反刚才那种激情奔放的神态,柔声媚气地笑了笑。她侧着身子挨近菲利普,张开双臂一把搂住了他。她操着一种轻柔的、甜蜜的声调说:

"别再傻里傻气的啦。你心里不好受,这我知道。可你还不知道我也是个好女子。"

说罢,米尔德丽德把脸依偎在菲利普的脸上,并使劲地厮磨着。可在菲利普看来,她那双笑眼是令人生厌的媚眼,从那里射出的猥亵的目光使得他心里充满了恐怖。他本能地往后退了退。

"放开我!"他喊了一声。

但是米尔德丽德就是不松手。她噘起嘴唇直往菲利普的嘴边凑过去。菲利普抓住她的双手,粗暴地把它们掰开,然后猛地把她推开去。

"你真使人讨厌!"他喝道。

"我?"

米尔德丽德伸出一只手撑着壁炉稳了稳身子,定睛瞅了菲利普一会儿,双颊顿时泛起了两片红晕。她突然发出一阵尖利、愤怒的笑声。

"我还讨厌你呢!"

她顿了顿,深深地吸了口气。接着,她便拉开嗓门,破口大骂起来。凡是她能想到的脏话都写出来了。她骂出的话竟那么污秽刺耳,菲利普不觉为之愕然。过去她一向热切地要使自己变得高雅,每当听到一声粗鲁的话语都会为之变脸。菲利普倒从来没料到她居然也学会了她刚刚说出的那些脏话。她走到菲利普的跟前,把脸直冲着他的脸。她那张脸因情绪激愤而扭曲着。在她扯开嗓子滔滔不绝地骂娘的当儿,口水顺着嘴角滴答滴答直滴。

"我从来就没把你放在眼里,一天也没有过。我一直拿你当傻瓜耍。看到你,我就讨厌,讨厌极了。我恨死你了,要不是为了几个钱,我从来也不会让你碰我一个指头。我不得不让你吻我时,我心里腻味极了。格里菲思和我在背后讥笑你,笑你是个十足的蠢驴。蠢驴!蠢驴!"

接下去是一连串不堪入耳的骂人话。她把天底下所有的卑鄙行为都往菲利普头上栽,说他是个吝啬鬼,头脑迟钝,骂他金玉其外,败絮其中,为人自私刻薄。凡是菲利普很敏感的事情,她都言语刻毒地挖苦一番。最后,她猛地转过身走开去。此时,她还是歇斯底里大发作,嘴里不干不净地叫骂着。她一把抓住房门把手,使劲打开房门。接着她掉过脸来,口吐恶言,刺伤菲利普的心。她知道有句话是菲利普最忌讳听到的。于是,她把满腔的怨恨和恶意一股脑儿地倾进她的话中,憋足气冲口骂了一声,好似一记当头棒喝!

"瘸子!"



wj宝宝

ZxID:11619415


等级: 内阁元老
青春又回来了嘛(*^▽^*)
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chapter 95

When they returned to London Philip began his dressing in the surgical wards. He was not so much interested in surgery as in medicine, which, a more empirical science, offered greater scope to the imagination. The work was a little harder than the corresponding work on the medical side. There was a lecture from nine till ten, when he went into the wards; there wounds had to be dressed, stitches taken out, bandages renewed: Philip prided himself a little on his skill in bandaging, and it amused him to wring a word of approval from a nurse. On certain afternoons in the week there were operations; and he stood in the well of the theatre, in a white jacket, ready to hand the operating surgeon any instrument he wanted or to sponge the blood away so that he could see what he was about. When some rare operation was to be performed the theatre would fill up, but generally there were not more than half a dozen students present, and then the proceedings had a cosiness which Philip enjoyed. At that time the world at large seemed to have a passion for appendicitis, and a good many cases came to the operating theatre for this complaint: the surgeon for whom Philip dressed was in friendly rivalry with a colleague as to which could remove an appendix in the shortest time and with the smallest incision.

In due course Philip was put on accident duty. The dressers took this in turn; it lasted three days, during which they lived in hospital and ate their meals in the common-room; they had a room on the ground floor near the casualty ward, with a bed that shut up during the day into a cupboard. The dresser on duty had to be at hand day and night to see to any casualty that came in. You were on the move all the time, and not more than an hour or two passed during the night without the clanging of the bell just above your head which made you leap out of bed instinctively. Saturday night was of course the busiest time and the closing of the public-houses the busiest hour. Men would be brought in by the police dead drunk and it would be necessary to administer a stomach-pump; women, rather the worse for liquor themselves, would come in with a wound on the head or a bleeding nose which their husbands had given them: some would vow to have the law on him, and others, ashamed, would declare that it had been an accident. What the dresser could manage himself he did, but if there was anything important he sent for the house-surgeon: he did this with care, since the house-surgeon was not vastly pleased to be dragged down five flights of stairs for nothing. The cases ranged from a cut finger to a cut throat. Boys came in with hands mangled by some machine, men were brought who had been knocked down by a cab, and children who had broken a limb while playing: now and then attempted suicides were carried in by the police: Philip saw a ghastly, wild-eyed man with a great gash from ear to ear, and he was in the ward for weeks afterwards in charge of a constable, silent, angry because he was alive, and sullen; he made no secret of the fact that he would try again to kill himself as soon as he was released. The wards were crowded, and the house-surgeon was faced with a dilemma when patients were brought in by the police: if they were sent on to the station and died there disagreeable things were said in the papers; and it was very difficult sometimes to tell if a man was dying or drunk. Philip did not go to bed till he was tired out, so that he should not have the bother of getting up again in an hour; and he sat in the casualty ward talking in the intervals of work with the night-nurse. She was a gray-haired woman of masculine appearance, who had been night-nurse in the casualty department for twenty years. She liked the work because she was her own mistress and had no sister to bother her. Her movements were slow, but she was immensely capable and she never failed in an emergency. The dressers, often inexperienced or nervous, found her a tower of strength. She had seen thousands of them, and they made no impression upon her: she always called them Mr. Brown; and when they expostulated and told her their real names, she merely nodded and went on calling them Mr. Brown. It interested Philip to sit with her in the bare room, with its two horse-hair couches and the flaring gas, and listen to her. She had long ceased to look upon the people who came in as human beings; they were drunks, or broken arms, or cut throats. She took the vice and misery and cruelty of the world as a matter of course; she found nothing to praise or blame in human actions: she accepted. She had a certain grim humour.

‘I remember one suicide,’ she said to Philip, ‘who threw himself into the Thames. They fished him out and brought him here, and ten days later he developed typhoid fever from swallowing Thames water.’

‘Did he die?’

‘Yes, he did all right. I could never make up my mind if it was suicide or not.... They’re a funny lot, suicides. I remember one man who couldn’t get any work to do and his wife died, so he pawned his clothes and bought a revolver; but he made a mess of it, he only shot out an eye and he got all right. And then, if you please, with an eye gone and a piece of his face blow away, he came to the conclusion that the world wasn’t such a bad place after all, and he lived happily ever afterwards. Thing I’ve always noticed, people don’t commit suicide for love, as you’d expect, that’s just a fancy of novelists; they commit suicide because they haven’t got any money. I wonder why that is.’

‘I suppose money’s more important than love,’ suggested Philip.

Money was in any case occupying Philip’s thoughts a good deal just then. He discovered the little truth there was in the airy saying which himself had repeated, that two could live as cheaply as one, and his expenses were beginning to worry him. Mildred was not a good manager, and it cost them as much to live as if they had eaten in restaurants; the child needed clothes, and Mildred boots, an umbrella, and other small things which it was impossible for her to do without. When they returned from Brighton she had announced her intention of getting a job, but she took no definite steps, and presently a bad cold laid her up for a fortnight. When she was well she answered one or two advertisements, but nothing came of it: either she arrived too late and the vacant place was filled, or the work was more than she felt strong enough to do. Once she got an offer, but the wages were only fourteen shillings a week, and she thought she was worth more than that.

‘It’s no good letting oneself be put upon,’ she remarked. ‘People don’t respect you if you let yourself go too cheap.’

‘I don’t think fourteen shillings is so bad,’ answered Philip, drily.

He could not help thinking how useful it would be towards the expenses of the household, and Mildred was already beginning to hint that she did not get a place because she had not got a decent dress to interview employers in. He gave her the dress, and she made one or two more attempts, but Philip came to the conclusion that they were not serious. She did not want to work. The only way he knew to make money was on the Stock Exchange, and he was very anxious to repeat the lucky experiment of the summer; but war had broken out with the Transvaal and nothing was doing in South Africans. Macalister told him that Redvers Buller would march into Pretoria in a month and then everything would boom. The only thing was to wait patiently. What they wanted was a British reverse to knock things down a bit, and then it might be worth while buying. Philip began reading assiduously the ‘city chat’ of his favourite newspaper. He was worried and irritable. Once or twice he spoke sharply to Mildred, and since she was neither tactful nor patient she answered with temper, and they quarrelled. Philip always expressed his regret for what he had said, but Mildred had not a forgiving nature, and she would sulk for a couple of days. She got on his nerves in all sorts of ways; by the manner in which she ate, and by the untidiness which made her leave articles of clothing about their sitting-room: Philip was excited by the war and devoured the papers, morning and evening; but she took no interest in anything that happened. She had made the acquaintance of two or three people who lived in the street, and one of them had asked if she would like the curate to call on her. She wore a wedding-ring and called herself Mrs. Carey. On Philip’s walls were two or three of the drawings which he had made in Paris, nudes, two of women and one of Miguel Ajuria, standing very square on his feet, with clenched fists. Philip kept them because they were the best things he had done, and they reminded him of happy days. Mildred had long looked at them with disfavour.

‘I wish you’d take those drawings down, Philip,’ she said to him at last. ‘Mrs. Foreman, of number thirteen, came in yesterday afternoon, and I didn’t know which way to look. I saw her staring at them.’

‘What’s the matter with them?’

‘They’re indecent. Disgusting, that’s what I call it, to have drawings of naked people about. And it isn’t nice for baby either. She’s beginning to notice things now.’

‘How can you be so vulgar?’

‘Vulgar? Modest, I call it. I’ve never said anything, but d’you think I like having to look at those naked people all day long.’

‘Have you no sense of humour at all, Mildred?’ he asked frigidly.

‘I don’t know what sense of humour’s got to do with it. I’ve got a good mind to take them down myself. If you want to know what I think about them, I think they’re disgusting.’

‘I don’t want to know what you think about them, and I forbid you to touch them.’

When Mildred was cross with him she punished him through the baby. The little girl was as fond of Philip as he was of her, and it was her great pleasure every morning to crawl into his room (she was getting on for two now and could walk pretty well), and be taken up into his bed. When Mildred stopped this the poor child would cry bitterly. To Philip’s remonstrances she replied:

‘I don’t want her to get into habits.’

And if then he said anything more she said:

‘It’s nothing to do with you what I do with my child. To hear you talk one would think you was her father. I’m her mother, and I ought to know what’s good for her, oughtn’t I?’

Philip was exasperated by Mildred’s stupidity; but he was so indifferent to her now that it was only at times she made him angry. He grew used to having her about. Christmas came, and with it a couple of days holiday for Philip. He brought some holly in and decorated the flat, and on Christmas Day he gave small presents to Mildred and the baby. There were only two of them so they could not have a turkey, but Mildred roasted a chicken and boiled a Christmas pudding which she had bought at a local grocer’s. They stood themselves a bottle of wine. When they had dined Philip sat in his arm-chair by the fire, smoking his pipe; and the unaccustomed wine had made him forget for a while the anxiety about money which was so constantly with him. He felt happy and comfortable. Presently Mildred came in to tell him that the baby wanted him to kiss her good-night, and with a smile he went into Mildred’s bed-room. Then, telling the child to go to sleep, he turned down the gas and, leaving the door open in case she cried, went back into the sitting-room.

‘Where are you going to sit?’ he asked Mildred.

‘You sit in your chair. I’m going to sit on the floor.’

When he sat down she settled herself in front of the fire and leaned against his knees. He could not help remembering that this was how they had sat together in her rooms in the Vauxhall Bridge Road, but the positions had been reversed; it was he who had sat on the floor and leaned his head against her knee. How passionately he had loved her then! Now he felt for her a tenderness he had not known for a long time. He seemed still to feel twined round his neck the baby’s soft little arms.

‘Are you comfy?’ he asked.

She looked up at him, gave a slight smile, and nodded. They gazed into the fire dreamily, without speaking to one another. At last she turned round and stared at him curiously.

‘D’you know that you haven’t kissed me once since I came here?’ she said suddenly.

‘D’you want me to?’ he smiled.

‘I suppose you don’t care for me in that way any more?’

‘I’m very fond of you.’

‘You’re much fonder of baby.’

He did not answer, and she laid her cheek against his hand.

‘You’re not angry with me any more?’ she asked presently, with her eyes cast down.

‘Why on earth should I be?’

‘I’ve never cared for you as I do now. It’s only since I passed through the fire that I’ve learnt to love you.’ It chilled Philip to hear her make use of the sort of phrase she read in the penny novelettes which she devoured. Then he wondered whether what she said had any meaning for her: perhaps she knew no other way to express her genuine feelings than the stilted language of The Family Herald.

‘It seems so funny our living together like this.’

He did not reply for quite a long time, and silence fell upon them again; but at last he spoke and seemed conscious of no interval.

‘You mustn’t be angry with me. One can’t help these things. I remember that I thought you wicked and cruel because you did this, that, and the other; but it was very silly of me. You didn’t love me, and it was absurd to blame you for that. I thought I could make you love me, but I know now that was impossible. I don’t know what it is that makes someone love you, but whatever it is, it’s the only thing that matters, and if it isn’t there you won’t create it by kindness, or generosity, or anything of that sort.’

‘I should have thought if you’d loved me really you’d have loved me still.’

‘I should have thought so too. I remember how I used to think that it would last for ever, I felt I would rather die than be without you, and I used to long for the time when you would be faded and wrinkled so that nobody cared for you any more and I should have you all to myself.’

She did not answer, and presently she got up and said she was going to bed. She gave a timid little smile.

‘It’s Christmas Day, Philip, won’t you kiss me good-night?’

He gave a laugh, blushed slightly, and kissed her. She went to her bed-room and he began to read.



第九十五章

他们从布赖顿回到伦敦以后,菲利普便上外科病房做包扎工作。他对外科的兴趣不如对内科来得浓厚,因为内科学是一门以经验为依据的科学,给人的想象力以更大的驰骋余地,再说,外科的工作相应地要比内科的累人一些。上午九点至十点他得去听课。课一散,便上病房包扎伤口啦,拆线啦,换绷带啦,忙个不停。菲利普自夸上绷带还有一手。每当护上说了句把赞许的话,他听后心里总有一种甜丝丝的感觉。每周总有几个下午进行外科手术,此时,菲利普便身穿白大褂,站在手术示范室的助手位置上,随时递上手术师所需要的器械,或者用海绵吸去污血,好让手术师看清下手的位置。一旦对不常见的疑难病症开刀时,手术示范室里就挤得满屋子都是人,不过,通常只有五六个学生在场。接着手术便在一种菲利普颇为欣赏的恬静的气氛下有条不紊地进行着。当时,世人好像特别爱生阑尾炎似的,被送进手术室来割除盲肠的病人何其多矣!菲利普在一名外科医生手下当敷裹员,而这位大夫同他的一名同事进行着一场友好对抗赛,比谁盲肠割除得快,谁的切口小。

不久,菲利普被指派去负责事故急诊病人。敷裹员们轮流担当此职,轮上一次,连续值班三天。在这期间,他们得住在医院,一日三餐都在公共休息室里吃。大楼底层临时收容室附近有个房间,里面有张床,白天叠起来放在壁橱里。无论白天黑夜,当班的敷裹员都得随叫随到,时刻准备照料送来的受伤病人,从早到晚,疲于奔命。夜里,每过一两个小时,头顶上方的铃声便当哪当哪响个不停;铃声一响,当班的敷裹员便本能地从床上一跃而起。星期六夜里当然是最忙的,特别是酒馆一打烊,医院里更是忙得不可开交。警察们把一个个醉汉送进来。此时,他们得赶快用胃唧筒把他们胃里的酒抽出来。而送进来的女人比那些醉汉情况更严重,不是被她们的丈夫打破了头,就是打得鼻子鲜血直淌。其中有的女人对大赌咒发誓,要上法庭去控告丈夫;有的则羞愧万分,只说是碰上交通事故了。面对这种种情况,敷裹员能处理的,便尽力而为,如处理不了,便去把住院医生请来。不过,敷裹员们一个个都很谨慎,万不得已才去请住院医生,因为住院医生没有好处是决不愿意跑五段楼梯下来看病的。送进医院来的,从断了个指头到割断喉管,各色病人,应有尽有。小伙子们跑来要求包扎被机器轧坏了的双手;被马车撞倒了的行人,在玩耍时不是摔断了腿就是跌折了手的小孩,也被送进医院。间或,警察们还把自杀未遂者抬了进来。菲利普看到一个人脸色惨白,圆睁着一双疯狂的眼睛,嘴巴张着吐出大口大口的血。菲利普在病房里工作了数周之后,一次负责照看一名警官。那位警官看到自己还活着,整天不说一句话,一脸的愤怒和凶相,还公开嚷道,他一出院还要自杀。病房里塞满了病人,此时警察们再送病人来,住院医生就会处于进退两难、首鼠两端的境地。要是叫他们把病人抬到火车站转别处去治疗,万一病人就死在火车站,那各家报纸就会发表耸人听闻的言论。可是有时候也很难断定病人究竟是奄奄一息呢还是醉酒不醒。菲利普直到累得力不能支的时候才上床睡觉,省得才躺下个把小时又要爬起来。他趁工作间隙时间,到急救室同夜班女护士一起聊天。这个女人一副男人相,头发花白,在急救部当了二十年的护士。她很喜欢这个工作,因为不论什么事她自个儿可以说了算,没旁的护士来打扰她。她干起事来手脚不快,不过非常能干,在处理危急病人方面从未出过差错。敷裹员们,不是初出茅庐毫无经验,就是一有事就慌了神儿,但一看到她在场,就顿觉浑身增添了无穷无尽的力量。她见过敷裹员千百个,可从来没有在她脑子里留下一点印象,无论是谁,她都管他们叫布朗先生。当他们劝戒她以后别叫他们布朗先生,并把他们的真实姓名告诉她时,她只是点点头,过后还是继续叫他们布朗先生。她那个房间没什么摆设,只有两张马毛呢面子的长椅,一盏火光融融的煤气灯。菲利普饶有兴趣地坐在那儿聆听她的谈话。她早已不把那些送进医院来的病人当人看待了。在她眼里,他们只是酒鬼、断臂、割破的喉咙。她把疾病、不幸和世界的残忍统统当作理所当然的事情,觉得人们的行动既无值得赞扬也无值得责备的地方。她都默认了。她具有某种冷峭的幽默感。

"有个人的自杀事儿,我至今还记得清清楚楚,"她对菲利普说。"那个人跳进了泰晤士河。人们把他捞了出来,并把他送到这儿来。可十天后,他因喝了泰晤士河里的水而得了伤寒症。"

"他死了吗?"

"是的,他死了。他是不是自杀,我也一直弄不清楚……也真有趣,还会寻短见。我还记得有个人,他找不到活儿干,老婆也死了,就把衣服全部送进当铺,拿了这笔钱买了支左轮手熗。他把自己弄得不成人样,打瞎了一只眼睛,可人却没有死。后来你猜他怎么样,一只眼睛瞎了,脸皮也给削去一块,可他得出个结论,说这个世界毕竟还不太坏。打那以后,他日子还过得挺好的哩。有件事情我一直在注意观察,那就是人们并不像你认为的那样是为爱情去自杀的。这种说法纯粹是小说家们的胡思乱想。人们之所以要寻短见,是因为他们没有钱。我也不知道为什么会这样的。"

"看来金钱比爱情更为重要,"菲利普说道。

就在那时候,钱的事儿不时地在他脑海里盘旋着。他过去常说两人的开销跟一个人的差不多,现在看来那话说得太轻飘了,事实上根本不是这么回事。他越来越为自己的开销之大而发愁。米尔德现德可不是个好管家,由她当家,花费之大,就好比他们一日几餐都是在馆子里吃似的。再说,那个小孩要添置衣服,米尔德丽德要买靴子以及其他一些离了它们就没法过活的零星什物。他们从布赖顿回到伦敦以后,米尔德丽德口口声声说要出去找工作,但就是不见她行动。没几天,一场重感冒害得她接连半个月卧病在床。痊愈后,她根据招聘广告出去试了几次,结果不是因为去迟了位子被人占去,就是因为活儿太重她吃不消而作罢。一次,有个地方主动招她去做工,每周工资十四先令,可她认为自己不应该只拿那么点工资。

"不管人家开什么价你都接受,那样做是没有好处的,"她振振有词地说。"要是你太自贱了,人家会瞧不起的。"

"我认为每周十四先令也不能算少了,"菲利普干巴巴地顶了一句。

菲利普不禁想有了这十四先令,家里的开销就可以松一些了。可米尔德丽德已经在暗示菲利普,说她之所以找不到工作,是因为她去会见雇主的时候,身上没有一件像样的衣服。菲利普便买了件给她。虽然她又出去试了几次,但菲利普认为她根本不诚心找工作,啥事都不想干。菲利普所了解的唯一生财之道是股票交易所。他夏天初次尝试,就得到了甜头,眼下急于再交个好运。但是,德兰士瓦发生了战事,南非境内一切陷入停顿。马卡利斯特对菲利普说,不出一个月,雷德弗斯·布勒就要开进比勒陀利亚,到那时,行情就会看涨。眼下他们只有耐心等待,等着英国的反击使物价下跌,到那时兴许可以购进股票。菲利普迫不及待地翻阅着他常看的报纸上的"市井趣谈"专栏。他忧心忡忡,肝火很旺,动不动就发脾气。有那么一两次,他正言厉色地说了米尔德丽德几句,可碰上米尔德丽德既不圆通也没那份耐心,当场以牙还牙,发了通脾气,结果两人大吵一场。菲利普照例对自己所做的事情感到悔恨万分,而米尔德丽德对人生就没有宽容之心,接连好几天,不给菲利普一点好颜色看,并且吃饭时故作姿态,有意不扫房间,把衣服什物扔得起居室满地都是,变着法儿来刺激菲利普,搅得他一刻不得安宁。菲利普一门心思注视着战事的进展,早早晚晚贪婪地翻阅着报纸,可她对眼前的一切却毫无兴趣。她在街道上结识了几个人,其中一位曾问过她是否要叫副牧师来看看她。米尔德丽德便戴上一只结婚戒指,自称为凯里太太。寓所墙上挂了两三张菲利普在巴黎创作的画,其中两张是女人的裸体像,还有一张画的是米格尔·阿胡里亚,画面上的米格尔·阿胡里亚紧握双拳,两腿叉开地挺立着。菲利普把这几张画挂在墙上,因为它们是他的最佳画作,一看见它们,他就想起了在巴黎度过的那段美好时光。米尔德丽德对这几张裸体画早就看不顺眼了。

"菲利普,我希望你把那几张画摘下来,"一天,她终于憋不住了,开腔说道。"昨天下午住十三号的福尔曼太太来后,我的眼睛不知看什么好了。我发觉她两眼瞪视着那几张画。"

"那几张画怎么啦?"

"那几张画很不正经。照我说,房间里挂满了裸体画像,真叫人讨厌。再说这对我的孩子也没有益处。她慢慢开始懂事了。"

"你怎么这样庸俗?"

"庸俗?我说这是叫趣味高雅。对这几张画,我一直没说过什么话,难道你就以为我喜欢成天价看着那几个赤身裸体的画中人吗?"

"米尔德丽德,你怎么就没有一点点幽默感呢?"菲利普口气冷冷地诘问道。

"我不晓得此事跟幽默感有什么关系。我真想伸手把它们摘下来。如果你想听听我对这几张画的看法,那么老实告诉你,我认为它们令人作呕。"

"我不想知道你有什么看法,我也不准你碰这几张画。"

每当米尔德丽德同菲利普怄气时,她就拿孩子出气,借此惩罚菲利普。那个小女孩正如菲利普喜欢她那样也非常喜欢菲利普。她把每天清晨爬进菲利普的卧室(她快两岁了,已经会走路了),随即被抱进他的被窝里这件事,当作一大乐事。米尔德丽德一不让她爬时,她就会伤心地哭叫起来。菲利普一劝说,米尔德丽德随即顶撞道:

"我不希望她养成这种习惯。"

此时,要是菲利普再多言,她就会说:

"我怎么管教我的孩子,不与你相干。让别人听见了,还以为你就是她的老子呢。我是她的老娘,我应该知道什么事是对她有好处的,难道我不应该吗?"

米尔德丽德竟如此不明事理,菲利普感到非常恼怒。不过,菲利普这一向对她很冷淡,因此很少生她的气了。对她在自己身边走动,菲利普也慢慢习惯了。转眼圣诞节到了,菲利普有几天假日。他带了几棵冬青树回家,把房间装饰了一番。圣诞节那天,他还分别给米尔德丽德及其女儿赠送了几件小小的礼物。他们总共才两个人,所以不能吃火鸡了。但是米尔德丽德还是烧了只小鸡,煮了块圣诞节布丁,这些东西是她从街上食品店里买来的。他们俩还喝了瓶葡萄酒。吃完晚餐后,菲利普坐在炉火边的安乐椅里,抽着烟斗。他喝不惯葡萄酒,几滴酒下肚,倒使他暂时忘却了近来一直在为钱操心的事儿。他感到心旷神怡。不一会儿,米尔德丽德走了进来,告诉他那女孩要他吻她。菲利普脸带微笑地走进了米尔德丽德的卧室。接着,他哄那孩子闭上眼睛睡觉,随手捻暗煤气灯。在走出卧室时,他怕孩子会哭,便让房门敞开着。他回到了起居室。

"你坐在哪儿?"他问米尔德丽德说。

"你还坐在安乐椅里。我就坐在地板上。"

他坐进安乐椅里,接着米尔德丽德席地坐在火炉前,背倚着菲利普的双膝。此时,他不由得回想起当初在沃克斯霍尔大桥路那个房间里的情景来了。那时,他们俩也是这样坐着,不同的是两人的位子颠倒了一下。当时,他菲利普坐在地板上,把头搁在米尔德丽德的膝上。那会儿,他是多么狂热地爱着她呀!眼下,他心中萌发出一种长久以来没有过的温情。他仿佛感到那女孩的柔软的双臂依然环绕着他的颈部。

"你坐得舒服吗?"他问米尔德丽德。

米尔德丽德抬头仰望着菲利普,脸上笑容嫣然,随即点了点头。他们俩神情恍惚地望着壁炉里的火苗,谁也不说话。最后,米尔德丽德转过身来,凝视着菲利普,眼睛里闪烁着好奇的目光。

"打我来到这里,你还一次没吻过我呢。你知道吗?"她突然说道。

"你要我吻吗?"菲利普笑着反问了一句。

"我想你再也不会用那种方式来表示你喜欢我了吧?"

"我非常喜欢你。"

"你更喜欢我的女儿。"

菲利普没有回答,此时,米尔德丽德将脸颊紧贴着他的手。

"你不再生我的气了?"接着她又问道,两眼望着地板。

"我为什么要生你的气呢?"

"我从来没有像现在这样喜欢你,我是在历尽辛苦、受尽磨难之后才学会爱你的呀。"

听到她说出这样的话来,菲利普的心一下子冷了半截。她用的那些词语全是她从看过的廉价小说里抠来的。他不禁怀疑她说这番话时,她心里是否当真是那样想的。或许她除了运用从《家政先驱报》上学来的夸张言词之外,不知道用什么办法来表达她的真情实感吧。

"我们俩像这样子生活在一起,似乎太离奇了。"

菲利普久久没有作答,沉默再次笼罩着他们俩。不过最后菲利普终于开口说话了,看来还没完没了呢。

"你不要生我的气。这类事情的发生,实在也是没有法子。我知道我过去因为你做的那些事情而认为你刻毒、狠心,但我也太傻气了。你过去不爱我,为此而责备你是荒谬的。我曾经认为我可以想法子叫你爱我,但我现在明白了,那是根本不可能的。我不知道是什么东西使得别人爱上你的,但不管是什么缘故,只有一个条件在起作用,要是不具备这个条件,你的心再好,你再大方,也决不能创造出这种条件来的。"

"我早该想到,要是你曾经真心实意地爱我,那你应该仍旧爱着我。"

"我也早该这么想的。我至今还记得清清楚楚。过去我常常认为这种爱情将是天长地久不会变的。那时候,我感到宁愿去死也不能没有你。我时常渴望着有那么一天,当你色衰容谢,谁也不喜欢你的时候,我将永生永世陪伴着你。"

米尔德南德默不作声。接着,她站了起来,说是要上床歇着去了。她朝菲利普胆怯地启齿笑了笑。

"今天是圣诞节,菲利普,你愿意同我吻别吗?"

菲利普哈哈一笑,双颊微微发红。他吻了吻米尔德丽德。米尔德丽德走进了卧室,他便开始埋头读书。


wj宝宝

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等级: 内阁元老
青春又回来了嘛(*^▽^*)
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chapter 94

Philip asked Mr. Jacobs, the assistant-surgeon for whom he had dressed, to do the operation. Jacobs accepted with pleasure, since he was interested just then in neglected talipes and was getting together materials for a paper. He warned Philip that he could not make his foot like the other, but he thought he could do a good deal; and though he would always limp he would be able to wear a boot less unsightly than that which he had been accustomed to. Philip remembered how he had prayed to a God who was able to remove mountains for him who had faith, and he smiled bitterly.

‘I don’t expect a miracle,’ he answered.

‘I think you’re wise to let me try what I can do. You’ll find a club-foot rather a handicap in practice. The layman is full of fads, and he doesn’t like his doctor to have anything the matter with him.’

Philip went into a ‘small ward’, which was a room on the landing, outside each ward, reserved for special cases. He remained there a month, for the surgeon would not let him go till he could walk; and, bearing the operation very well, he had a pleasant enough time. Lawson and Athelny came to see him, and one day Mrs. Athelny brought two of her children; students whom he knew looked in now and again to have a chat; Mildred came twice a week. Everyone was very kind to him, and Philip, always surprised when anyone took trouble with him, was touched and grateful. He enjoyed the relief from care; he need not worry there about the future, neither whether his money would last out nor whether he would pass his final examinations; and he could read to his heart’s content. He had not been able to read much of late, since Mildred disturbed him: she would make an aimless remark when he was trying to concentrate his attention, and would not be satisfied unless he answered; whenever he was comfortably settled down with a book she would want something done and would come to him with a cork she could not draw or a hammer to drive in a nail.

They settled to go to Brighton in August. Philip wanted to take lodgings, but Mildred said that she would have to do housekeeping, and it would only be a holiday for her if they went to a boarding-house.

‘I have to see about the food every day at home, I get that sick of it I want a thorough change.’

Philip agreed, and it happened that Mildred knew of a boarding-house at Kemp Town where they would not be charged more than twenty-five shillings a week each. She arranged with Philip to write about rooms, but when he got back to Kennington he found that she had done nothing. He was irritated.

‘I shouldn’t have thought you had so much to do as all that,’ he said.

‘Well, I can’t think of everything. It’s not my fault if I forget, is it?’

Philip was so anxious to get to the sea that he would not wait to communicate with the mistress of the boarding-house.

‘We’ll leave the luggage at the station and go to the house and see if they’ve got rooms, and if they have we can just send an outside porter for our traps.’

‘You can please yourself,’ said Mildred stiffly.

She did not like being reproached, and, retiring huffily into a haughty silence, she sat by listlessly while Philip made the preparations for their departure. The little flat was hot and stuffy under the August sun, and from the road beat up a malodorous sultriness. As he lay in his bed in the small ward with its red, distempered walls he had longed for fresh air and the splashing of the sea against his breast. He felt he would go mad if he had to spend another night in London. Mildred recovered her good temper when she saw the streets of Brighton crowded with people making holiday, and they were both in high spirits as they drove out to Kemp Town. Philip stroked the baby’s cheek.

‘We shall get a very different colour into them when we’ve been down here a few days,’ he said, smiling.

They arrived at the boarding-house and dismissed the cab. An untidy maid opened the door and, when Philip asked if they had rooms, said she would inquire. She fetched her mistress. A middle-aged woman, stout and business-like, came downstairs, gave them the scrutinising glance of her profession, and asked what accommodation they required.

‘Two single rooms, and if you’ve got such a thing we’d rather like a cot in one of them.’

‘I’m afraid I haven’t got that. I’ve got one nice large double room, and I could let you have a cot.’

‘I don’t think that would do,’ said Philip.

‘I could give you another room next week. Brighton’s very full just now, and people have to take what they can get.’

‘If it were only for a few days, Philip, I think we might be able to manage,’ said Mildred.

‘I think two rooms would be more convenient. Can you recommend any other place where they take boarders?’

‘I can, but I don’t suppose they’d have room any more than I have.’

‘Perhaps you wouldn’t mind giving me the address.’

The house the stout woman suggested was in the next street, and they walked towards it. Philip could walk quite well, though he had to lean on a stick, and he was rather weak. Mildred carried the baby. They went for a little in silence, and then he saw she was crying. It annoyed him, and he took no notice, but she forced his attention.

‘Lend me a hanky, will you? I can’t get at mine with baby,’ she said in a voice strangled with sobs, turning her head away from him.

He gave her his handkerchief, but said nothing. She dried her eyes, and as he did not speak, went on.

‘I might be poisonous.’

‘Please don’t make a scene in the street,’ he said.

‘It’ll look so funny insisting on separate rooms like that. What’ll they think of us?’

‘If they knew the circumstances I imagine they’d think us surprisingly moral,’ said Philip.

She gave him a sidelong glance.

‘You’re not going to give it away that we’re not married?’ she asked quickly.

‘No.’

‘Why won’t you live with me as if we were married then?’

‘My dear, I can’t explain. I don’t want to humiliate you, but I simply can’t. I daresay it’s very silly and unreasonable, but it’s stronger than I am. I loved you so much that now...’ he broke off. ‘After all, there’s no accounting for that sort of thing.’

‘A fat lot you must have loved me!’ she exclaimed.

The boarding-house to which they had been directed was kept by a bustling maiden lady, with shrewd eyes and voluble speech. They could have one double room for twenty-five shillings a week each, and five shillings extra for the baby, or they could have two single rooms for a pound a week more.

‘I have to charge that much more,’ the woman explained apologetically, ‘because if I’m pushed to it I can put two beds even in the single rooms.’

‘I daresay that won’t ruin us. What do you think, Mildred?’

‘Oh, I don’t mind. Anything’s good enough for me,’ she answered.

Philip passed off her sulky reply with a laugh, and, the landlady having arranged to send for their luggage, they sat down to rest themselves. Philip’s foot was hurting him a little, and he was glad to put it up on a chair.

‘I suppose you don’t mind my sitting in the same room with you,’ said Mildred aggressively.

‘Don’t let’s quarrel, Mildred,’ he said gently.

‘I didn’t know you was so well off you could afford to throw away a pound a week.’

‘Don’t be angry with me. I assure you it’s the only way we can live together at all.’

‘I suppose you despise me, that’s it.’

‘Of course I don’t. Why should I?’

‘It’s so unnatural.’

‘Is it? You’re not in love with me, are you?’

‘Me? Who d’you take me for?’

‘It’s not as if you were a very passionate woman, you’re not that.’

‘It’s so humiliating,’ she said sulkily.

‘Oh, I wouldn’t fuss about that if I were you.’

There were about a dozen people in the boarding-house. They ate in a narrow, dark room at a long table, at the head of which the landlady sat and carved. The food was bad. The landlady called it French cooking, by which she meant that the poor quality of the materials was disguised by ill-made sauces: plaice masqueraded as sole and New Zealand mutton as lamb. The kitchen was small and inconvenient, so that everything was served up lukewarm. The people were dull and pretentious; old ladies with elderly maiden daughters; funny old bachelors with mincing ways; pale-faced, middle-aged clerks with wives, who talked of their married daughters and their sons who were in a very good position in the Colonies. At table they discussed Miss Corelli’s latest novel; some of them liked Lord Leighton better than Mr. Alma-Tadema, and some of them liked Mr. Alma-Tadema better than Lord Leighton. Mildred soon told the ladies of her romantic marriage with Philip; and he found himself an object of interest because his family, county people in a very good position, had cut him off with a shilling because he married while he was only a stoodent; and Mildred’s father, who had a large place down Devonshire way, wouldn’t do anything for them because she had married Philip. That was why they had come to a boarding-house and had not a nurse for the baby; but they had to have two rooms because they were both used to a good deal of accommodation and they didn’t care to be cramped. The other visitors also had explanations of their presence: one of the single gentlemen generally went to the Metropole for his holiday, but he liked cheerful company and you couldn’t get that at one of those expensive hotels; and the old lady with the middle-aged daughter was having her beautiful house in London done up and she said to her daughter: ‘Gwennie, my dear, we must have a cheap holiday this year,’ and so they had come there, though of course it wasn’t at all the kind of thing they were used to. Mildred found them all very superior, and she hated a lot of common, rough people. She liked gentlemen to be gentlemen in every sense of the word.

‘When people are gentlemen and ladies,’ she said, ‘I like them to be gentlemen and ladies.’

The remark seemed cryptic to Philip, but when he heard her say it two or three times to different persons, and found that it aroused hearty agreement, he came to the conclusion that it was only obscure to his own intelligence. It was the first time that Philip and Mildred had been thrown entirely together. In London he did not see her all day, and when he came home the household affairs, the baby, the neighbours, gave them something to talk about till he settled down to work. Now he spent the whole day with her. After breakfast they went down to the beach; the morning went easily enough with a bathe and a stroll along the front; the evening, which they spent on the pier, having put the baby to bed, was tolerable, for there was music to listen to and a constant stream of people to look at; (Philip amused himself by imagining who they were and weaving little stories about them; he had got into the habit of answering Mildred’s remarks with his mouth only so that his thoughts remained undisturbed;) but the afternoons were long and dreary. They sat on the beach. Mildred said they must get all the benefit they could out of Doctor Brighton, and he could not read because Mildred made observations frequently about things in general. If he paid no attention she complained.

‘Oh, leave that silly old book alone. It can’t be good for you always reading. You’ll addle your brain, that’s what you’ll do, Philip.’

‘Oh, rot!’ he answered.

‘Besides, it’s so unsociable.’

He discovered that it was difficult to talk to her. She had not even the power of attending to what she was herself saying, so that a dog running in front of her or the passing of a man in a loud blazer would call forth a remark and then she would forget what she had been speaking of. She had a bad memory for names, and it irritated her not to be able to think of them, so that she would pause in the middle of some story to rack her brains. Sometimes she had to give it up, but it often occurred to her afterwards, and when Philip was talking of something she would interrupt him.

‘Collins, that was it. I knew it would come back to me some time. Collins, that’s the name I couldn’t remember.’

It exasperated him because it showed that she was not listening to anything he said, and yet, if he was silent, she reproached him for sulkiness. Her mind was of an order that could not deal for five minutes with the abstract, and when Philip gave way to his taste for generalising she very quickly showed that she was bored. Mildred dreamt a great deal, and she had an accurate memory for her dreams, which she would relate every day with prolixity.

One morning he received a long letter from Thorpe Athelny. He was taking his holiday in the theatrical way, in which there was much sound sense, which characterised him. He had done the same thing for ten years. He took his whole family to a hop-field in Kent, not far from Mrs. Athelny’s home, and they spent three weeks hopping. It kept them in the open air, earned them money, much to Mrs. Athelny’s satisfaction, and renewed their contact with mother earth. It was upon this that Athelny laid stress. The sojourn in the fields gave them a new strength; it was like a magic ceremony, by which they renewed their youth and the power of their limbs and the sweetness of the spirit: Philip had heard him say many fantastic, rhetorical, and picturesque things on the subject. Now Athelny invited him to come over for a day, he had certain meditations on Shakespeare and the musical glasses which he desired to impart, and the children were clamouring for a sight of Uncle Philip. Philip read the letter again in the afternoon when he was sitting with Mildred on the beach. He thought of Mrs. Athelny, cheerful mother of many children, with her kindly hospitality and her good humour; of Sally, grave for her years, with funny little maternal ways and an air of authority, with her long plait of fair hair and her broad forehead; and then in a bunch of all the others, merry, boisterous, healthy, and handsome. His heart went out to them. There was one quality which they had that he did not remember to have noticed in people before, and that was goodness. It had not occurred to him till now, but it was evidently the beauty of their goodness which attracted him. In theory he did not believe in it: if morality were no more than a matter of convenience good and evil had no meaning. He did not like to be illogical, but here was simple goodness, natural and without effort, and he thought it beautiful. Meditating, he slowly tore the letter into little pieces; he did not see how he could go without Mildred, and he did not want to go with her.

It was very hot, the sky was cloudless, and they had been driven to a shady corner. The baby was gravely playing with stones on the beach, and now and then she crawled up to Philip and gave him one to hold, then took it away again and placed it carefully down. She was playing a mysterious and complicated game known only to herself. Mildred was asleep. She lay with her head thrown back and her mouth slightly open; her legs were stretched out, and her boots protruded from her petticoats in a grotesque fashion. His eyes had been resting on her vaguely, but now he looked at her with peculiar attention. He remembered how passionately he had loved her, and he wondered why now he was entirely indifferent to her. The change in him filled him with dull pain. It seemed to him that all he had suffered had been sheer waste. The touch of her hand had filled him with ecstasy; he had desired to enter into her soul so that he could share every thought with her and every feeling; he had suffered acutely because, when silence had fallen between them, a remark of hers showed how far their thoughts had travelled apart, and he had rebelled against the unsurmountable wall which seemed to divide every personality from every other. He found it strangely tragic that he had loved her so madly and now loved her not at all. Sometimes he hated her. She was incapable of learning, and the experience of life had taught her nothing. She was as unmannerly as she had always been. It revolted Philip to hear the insolence with which she treated the hard-worked servant at the boarding-house.

Presently he considered his own plans. At the end of his fourth year he would be able to take his examination in midwifery, and a year more would see him qualified. Then he might manage a journey to Spain. He wanted to see the pictures which he knew only from photographs; he felt deeply that El Greco held a secret of peculiar moment to him; and he fancied that in Toledo he would surely find it out. He did not wish to do things grandly, and on a hundred pounds he might live for six months in Spain: if Macalister put him on to another good thing he could make that easily. His heart warmed at the thought of those old beautiful cities, and the tawny plains of Castile. He was convinced that more might be got out of life than offered itself at present, and he thought that in Spain he could live with greater intensity: it might be possible to practise in one of those old cities, there were a good many foreigners, passing or resident, and he should be able to pick up a living. But that would be much later; first he must get one or two hospital appointments; they gave experience and made it easy to get jobs afterwards. He wished to get a berth as ship’s doctor on one of the large tramps that took things leisurely enough for a man to see something of the places at which they stopped. He wanted to go to the East; and his fancy was rich with pictures of Bangkok and Shanghai, and the ports of Japan: he pictured to himself palm-trees and skies blue and hot, dark-skinned people, pagodas; the scents of the Orient intoxicated his nostrils. His heart but with passionate desire for the beauty and the strangeness of the world.

Mildred awoke.

‘I do believe I’ve been asleep,’ she said. ‘Now then, you naughty girl, what have you been doing to yourself? Her dress was clean yesterday and just look at it now, Philip.’



第九十四章

菲利普在雅各布先生手下当过敷裹员,于是他便请这位助理外科医师给他的跛足开刀。雅各布先生欣然同意,因为他就是对被众人忽视的跛足感兴趣,而且眼下正在为撰写一篇论文搜集资料。事先他忠告菲利普,说他不能使跛足变得像那只好足一模一样,不过他相信他还是能够有所作为的。还说动过手术后,菲利普走起路来还是有点跛,但可以不再穿先前那样难看的靴子了。当想起自己过去曾因笃信上帝能够为他背走沉重的大山而虔诚地向上帝祷告的情景,菲利普的脸上总是浮出一丝凄苦的笑容。

"我并不希望出现奇迹,"菲利普回答说。

"我认为你能让我尽我所能医治你的残疾的决定是明智的。到时候,你会发觉拖着条跛腿行起医来是很不方便的。外行人就好生怪念头,死也不肯同医生打交道。"

菲利普住进了单人病房。每个病区外头楼梯平台处都有这么个只有一个房间的单人病房,它是专门为特殊病人预备的。他在那儿住了一个月,因为雅各布先生在他能够走动之前是不让他走出这个病房的。手术进行得很顺利,他有足够的时间好生养息。劳森和阿特尔涅跑来看望他。有一次,阿特尔涅太太还带了两个孩子来探望他哩。还有他所认识的同学们也不时地前来和他闲聊解闷。米尔德丽德一星期来两次。大家都对他很和气。菲利普这个人一看到别人不厌其烦地关心体贴他,心里总是激动不已,而眼下更是深受感动,感激不尽了。他没什么要烦的,心情轻松愉快。他不必为未来担忧,管它钱够不够花还是期终测验能不能通过,这些都没什么好发愁的。此时,他可以尽心披卷破帙了。近来他一直不能好好看书,因为米尔德丽德老是干扰他:有时候他正要集中脑筋思考些问题,可米尔德丽德却打开了话匣,说些不着边际的话儿,而且菲利普不回答她还决不罢休;每当他要定下心来好好看书,米尔德丽德就要他帮手干件事,不是跑来叫他把个她拔不出来的瓶塞子拔出来,就是拿来个榔头叫他相帮钉个钉子。

他们决定于八月赴布赖顿度假。菲利普想到了那儿之后去住旅馆,可米尔德丽德却说那样的话,她又得做家务了。她提议他们赁住在食宿公寓,这样,她也可以享受几天假期呀。

"在家我得天天张罗饭菜,我都腻透了,想彻底改变一下。"

菲利普最后同意去住食宿公寓。而米尔德丽德凑巧还认识肯普镇上的一家食宿公寓。住在那儿,每人一周的开销也不会超过二十五个先令。她同菲利普商定由她写信去预订房间。但是,在从外边回到肯宁顿寓所时,菲利普却发觉信根本没写,不觉恼怒。

"想不到你还真忙呢,"他没好气地说了一句。

"嗯,我可不能什么事都想到呀。即使我忘记了,那也不是我的过错,对不?"

菲利普急于要到海边去,也不愿意为同那家食宿公寓的女主人联系而滞留伦敦。

"我们可以把行李寄存在车站,直接走去,看看那儿有没有房间。如果有,我们只要到外边去雇位脚夫,让他去取行李好了。"

"你看怎么好就怎么干吧!"米尔德丽德口气生硬地回了一句。

她可不喜欢受人的气,顿时一声不吭,满脸怒容,心神不定地坐在一边,望着菲利普忙着为外出度假准备行装。在八月的阳光照射下,这幢小小的公寓里头异常闷热,户外马路上腾起一阵阵带有恶臭的热浪。当他躺在病房里的病榻上,面对着涂抹着红色颜料的墙壁,他一直向往着呼吸海边的新鲜空气,让海涛拍打自己的胸膛。他觉得,要是再在伦敦呆上一夜,他准会发疯。一看到布赖顿的大街上挤满了前来度假的人群,米尔德丽德的脾气又好了。当乘上马车驶出车站前往肯普镇时,他们俩都变得兴致勃勃。菲利普还用手轻轻地抚摩着孩子的脸颊哩。

"我们在这儿呆上几天,准能让她的小脸蛋变得红扑扑的,"菲利普说话时,双眼还含着微笑。

他们来到那家食宿公寓门前,便把马车辞退了。一位衣着不整的妇人应声出来开门。当菲利普问及是否有空房间时,她却回答她得进去问一下。她把她的女主人领了出来。一位身材敦实、一副生意人脸孔的中年妇人下得楼来,先是按职业习惯对菲利普他们狠狠地盯视了一眼,然后才开口询问他们要开什么样的房间。

"开两个单人房间,如果可能的话,还要在其中一个房间放个摇篮。"

"恐怕我这儿没有两个单人房间。我这儿还有个双人大房间,我可以给你们一个摇篮。"

"我想那样不怎么合适,"菲利普说。

"到了下个星期,我可以再给你们一个房间。眼下布赖顿游客拥挤,将就些吧。"

"就只住几天工夫,菲利普,我想我们可以凑合着对付几天再说,"米尔德丽德接口说。

"我想两个房间要方便些。你可以给我们另外介绍一处食宿公寓吗?"

"可以,不过我想他们也不见得会有比我更多的空房间。"

"请你把地址告诉我们,你不会介意吧?"

那位身材敦实的女主人指给他们的食宿公寓就在下一条街上。于是,他们转身朝它走去。菲利普走起路来还是挺快的,虽说他的身体孱弱,走路还得借助拐杖。米尔德丽德抱着孩子。两人默默地走了一阵子后,他蓦地发觉米尔德丽德哭了。哭声扰得他心烦意乱。他不予理睬,可是她硬是把他的注意力吸引了过去。

"把你的手帕给我用一用好吗?我抱着孩子不能掏手帕,"她抽抽搭搭地说着,转过脑袋,不看菲利普。

菲利普默默无言地把自己的手帕递了过去。米尔德丽德擦干了眼泪,看他不说话,便接着说:

"我这个人身上可能有毒。"

"请你别在大街上吵吵嚷嚷的,"菲利普说。

"你那样坚持要两个单人房间也太可笑了。别人对我们会怎么看呢?"

"要是人们知道真情的话,我想他们一定会认为我们俩都很有道德,"菲利普说。

这当儿,米尔德丽德睨视了菲利普一眼。

"你总不会告诉人家我们不是夫妻吧?"米尔德丽德紧接着问道。

"不会的。"

"那你为何不能像丈夫似的跟我睡在一起呢?"

"亲爱的,对此,我无法解释。我无意羞屏你,但我就是解释不清。我知道这种念头是愚蠢的,也是不合情理的,但这种念头非常执著,比我坚强。我过去非常爱你,以至如今……"他突然中断了他的话。"不管怎么说,这种事情是不可言喻的。"

"哼,你从来就没有爱过我!"米尔德丽德嚷道。

他们俩按着所给的地址,一路摸到了那家食宿公寓。原来,这家食宿公寓是个精力旺盛的老处女开设的。她长着一对狡黠的眼睛,说起话来伶牙俐齿的。他们要么租赁一个双人房间,每人每周出二十五先令,那小孩也要出五先令,要么就住两个单人房间,但每周可得多付租金一英镑之多。

"我不得不收这么高的租金,"那个老处女带着歉意解释道,"因为,如果有必要的话,我甚至可以在单人房间里都摆上两张床。"

"我想那租金也不见得会使我们破产。你说呢,米尔德丽德?"

"嗨,我才不在乎呢,一切安排对我来说都是够好的,"她回答说。

菲利普讨厌她那阴阳怪气的回答,但一笑置之。女房东已经派人去车站取他们的行李了,于是,他们坐下来边休息边等着。此刻,菲利普感到那只开过刀的脚隐隐作痛,便把它搁在一张椅子上,心里舒坦多了。

"我想我和你同坐在一个房间里,你不会介意吧?"米尔德丽德冲撞地说。

"我们就不要赌气斗嘴啦,米尔德丽德,"菲利普轻声规劝道。

"我倒不了解你手头还很有几个钱呢,竟能每周抛出去一镑的房钱。"

"别对我发火。我要让你明白,我们俩只能这样子住在一起。"

"我想你是瞧不起我,肯定是的。"

"当然不是这样的。我为什么瞧不起你呢?"

"一切都是那么别扭,很不自然。"

"是吗?你并不爱我,是不?"

"我?你把我当成什么人了?"

"看来你也不像是个易动情的女人,你不是那样的女人。"

"此话说得太丢脸了,"米尔德丽德阴沉沉地说。

"哦,我要是你的话,才不会为这种事大惊小怪呢。"

这家食宿公寓里大约住着十多个人。他们都来到一个狭窄的、光线昏暗的房间里,围坐在一张狭长的桌子四周用餐。女房东端坐在餐桌的顶头,为大家分发食物。饭菜做得很差劲,可女房东却称之为法国烹调,她说这话的意思是下等的原料加上些蹩脚的佐料:用鲽鱼冒充箬鳎鱼,把新西兰老羊肉充作羔羊肉。厨房既小又不方便,所以端上来的饭菜差一不多都是凉的。房客中有陪伴上了年纪尚未出阁的老姑娘的老夫人;有。假装斯文、滑稽可笑的老光棍;还有脸色苍白的中年职员和他们的夫人,他们在一起津津有味地谈论着他们那些已出嫁的女儿以及在殖民地身居高位的儿子。这些人反应迟钝,却又装腔作势。在餐桌上,他们议论科雷莉小姐的最新出版的小说,其中有些人喜欢莱顿勋爵而不喜欢阿尔马·塔德曼先生,而另外几位恰恰与此相反。不久,米尔德丽德却跟那些太太们谈论起她同菲利普两人的富有浪漫色彩的婚姻来了。她说菲利普发觉自己成了众矢之的,因为他还是个"书生"(说话时,米尔德丽德常常把"学生"说成"书生")时就同一位姑娘成了亲,所以他一家人--颇有地位的乡下绅士--便取消了他的财产继承权;而米尔德丽德的父亲--在德文郡拥有大片土地--就因为米尔德丽德同菲利普结婚,也撒手不管她的事儿。这就是为什么他们来住一家食宿公寓而又不为孩子雇个保姆的缘故。不过,他们得分开住两个房间,因为他们历来舒适惯了,可不想一家人挤在一个狭小的房间里头。同样,其他几位游客对他们自己之所以住在这种食宿公寓里也有各种各样的理由。其中一位单身绅士通常总是到大都市去度假的,可他喜欢热闹,而在那些大旅馆里总是找不到一个可心的伙伴。那位身边带着一位中年未出阁女儿的老太太正在伦敦修建一幢漂亮的别墅,可她却对女儿说:"格文妮,我亲爱的,今年我们一定得换换口味,去度个穷假。"因此,她们俩就来到了这儿,尽管这儿的一切同她们的生活习惯是那么的格格不入。米尔德丽德发觉他们这些人都太矜夸傲慢了,而她就是厌恶粗俗的平庸之辈。她喜欢的绅士就应该是名副其实的绅士。

"一旦人成了绅士和淑女,"米尔德丽德说,"我就喜欢他们是绅士和淑女。"

这种话对菲利普来说有些儿神秘莫测。但是当他听到她三番两次地跟不同的人说这种话时,他发现听者无不欣然赞同,由此他得出结论,只有他是个榆木脑瓜,一点也不开窍。菲利普和米尔德丽德单独成天厮守在一起,这还是破天荒第一次。在伦敦,他白天整天看不到她,晚上回家时,他们也只是聊一阵子家务、孩子以及邻居的事儿,随后他就坐下来做他的功课。眼下,他却成天伴在她左右。早饭后,他们俩便步行去海边,下海洗把澡,然后沿着海滩散一会儿步,上午的时光不费事就过去了。到了黄昏时分,他们把孩子弄上床睡着以后,便上海边码头消磨时光,倒还舒畅。因为在那里,耳畔不时传来轻柔的乐曲声,服前人流络绎不绝(菲利普借想象这些人的各种各样的身分并就这些编造了许许多多小故事以自娱。现在,他养成一种习惯,就是嘴上哼哼哈哈地敷衍着米尔德丽德的话语,而自己的思绪不为所动,继续自由地驰骋着),可就是下午的时间冗长乏味,令人难熬。他们俩坐在海滩上。米尔德丽德说他们要尽情享受布赖顿博士赐予人们的恩泽。由于她老是在一旁剌剌不休地发表她对世间万物的高见,他一点也没法看书。要是他不加理睬,她就会埋怨。

"喔,快把你那些愚蠢的破书收起来吧。你老是看书也看不出名堂来的,只会越看头脑越糊涂,你将来肯定是昏头昏脑的,菲利普。"

"尽说些混帐话!"他顶了一句。

"再说,老是捧着本书,待人也太简慢了。"

菲利普发现也难跟她交谈。她自己在说话的当儿,也不能集中自己的注意力,因此,每每眼前跑过一条狗,或者走过一位身穿色彩鲜艳的运动夹克的男人,都会引起她叽叽呱呱地议论上几句。然而,过不了多久,她会把刚才说的话忘个精光。她的记忆力甚差,就是记不住人的名字,但不记起这些名字又不甘心,因此常常在讲话中戛然停顿下来,绞尽脑汁,搜索枯肠,硬是要把它们记起来,有时候,因实在想不出而只好作罢。可是后来她谈着谈着,又忽然想起来了,这时,即使菲利普在讲另外一些事,她也会打断他的话,插进来说:

"科林斯,正是这个名字。我那会儿就知道我会记起来的。科林斯,我刚才一下记不起来的就是这个名字。"

这倒把菲利普给激怒了。却原来不管他在说些什么,她都不听;而要是她讲话时菲利普一声不响的话,她可要埋怨他死气沉沉的。对那些抽象的慨念,听不了五分钟,她那个脑子就转不起来了。每当菲利普津津有味地把一些具体的事物上升为抽象的理论,她脸上立刻就会显露出厌烦的神色。米尔德丽德常常做梦,而且记得非常牢,每天都要在菲利普跟前罗罗唆唆地复述她的梦境。

一天早晨,他收到了索普·阿特尔涅写来的一封长信。阿特尔汉正以戏剧性的方式度假。这种方式很有见地,同时也显示出他此人的个性。他以这样的方式度假由来已久,已有十年的历史了。他把全家带到肯特郡的一片蛇麻草田野上,那儿离阿特尔涅太太的老家不远,他们要在那儿采集三周的蛇麻子草。这样,他们可以成天呆在旷野里,还可以赚几个外快。使阿特尔涅太太更感满意的是,这样的度假方式同以使他们全家同生她养她的故乡土地之间的关系得到加强。而阿特尔涅在信中也正是特别强调这一点。置身在旷野里给他们带来了新的活力,这像是举行了一次富有魔力的典礼,使得他们返老还童,生气勃勃,精神大振。以前,菲科普就曾经听到阿特尔涅就这个问题滔滔不绝地、绘声绘色地发表过一通离奇古怪的议论。此刻,阿特尔涅在信中邀请菲利普到他们那儿呆上一天,说他渴望把他对莎士比亚以及奏乐杯的想法告诉给菲利普听,还说孩子们嚷着要见见菲利普叔叔。下午,在同米尔德丽德一道坐在海滩上时,他又把信打开来看了一遍。他思念起那九个孩子的慈祥的妈妈、好客的阿特尔涅太太;想起了莎莉,她年纪不大却神情端庄,稍稍带有一种做母亲的仪态和一种富有权威的神气,她前额宽阔,一头秀发编成一根长长的辫子;接着又想起了一大群别的孩子,一个个长得俊俏、健康,成天乐呵呵的,吵吵嚷嚷的。他的心一下子飞到了他们的身边。他们身上具有一种品质--仁慈,这是他以前从来没有在别的人身上看到过的。直到现在,菲利普才意识到他的心显然被他们那种光彩照人的品质深深地吸引住了。从理论上来说,他不相信什么仁慈不仁慈,因为倘若道德不过是件给人方便的事儿的话,那善与恶也就没有意义了。他可不喜欢自己的思路缺乏逻辑性,但是仁慈却明摆着,那么自然而毫无矫饰,而且他认为这种仁慈美不可言。在沉思的当儿,他漫不经心地把阿特尔涅的来信撕成了碎片。他想不出一个甩掉米尔德丽德而自己独身前往的办法来,但他又不愿意带着米尔德丽德一同前去。

这天烈日炎炎,天空中无一丝云彩,他们只得躲避在一个阴凉的角落里。那孩子一本正经地坐在沙滩上玩石子,间或爬到菲利普的身边,递过一块石子让菲利普握着,接着又把它从他手中抠去,小心翼翼地放在沙滩上。她在玩一种只有她知道的神秘的、错综复杂的游戏。此时,米尔德丽德呼呼人睡了,仰面朝天,嘴巴微启着,两腿成八字形叉开,脚上套的靴子祥于古怪地顶着衬裙。以往他的目光只是木然无神地落在她的身上,可此刻他却目不转睛地望着她,目光里闪烁着一种希奇的神情。他以往狂热地爱恋着她的情景历历在目,他心里头不禁暗自纳闷,不知道他为什么现在对她会这么冷淡的。这种感情上的变化使他心里充满了苦痛,看来,他以往所遭受的一切痛苦毫无价值。过去,一触到她的手,心里便激起一阵狂喜;他曾经渴望自己能钻进她的心灵里去,这样可以同她用一个脑子思想,分享她的每一种感情。当他们俩陷入沉默的时候,她所说的每一句话无不表明他们俩的思想简直是南辕北辙,背道而驰。他曾对隔在人与人之间一道不可逾越的障碍作出过反抗。为此,他身受切肤之痛。他曾经发狂似地爱过她,而眼下却对她无一丝一毫爱情可言。他莫名其妙地感到这是一种悲剧。有时候,他很恨米尔德丽德。她啥也学不会,而从生活的经历中她什么教训也没有汲取。她一如既往,还是那么粗野。听到她粗暴地呵斥食宿公寓里的那位累断筋骨的女用人时,菲利普心中十分反感。

不一会儿,菲利普盘算起自己的种种计划来了。学完四年之后,他就可以参加妇产科的考试了,再过上一年,他就可以取得当医生的资格。然后,他就设法到西班牙去旅行一趟,亲眼去欣赏一下只能从照片上看到的那儿的旖旎风光。刹那间,他深深地感到神秘莫测的埃尔·格列柯紧紧地攫住了他的心,暗自思忖,到了托莱多他一定能找到埃尔·格列柯。他无意去任意挥霍,有了那一百英镑,他可以在西班牙住上半年。要是马卡利斯特再能给他带来个好运,他完全可以轻而易举地达到自己的目的。一想到那些风景优美的城池和卡斯蒂尔一带黄褐色的平原,他的心里就热乎乎的。他深信他可以从现世生活中享受到比它给予的更多的乐趣,他想他在西班牙的生活可能更为紧张:也许有可能在一个古老城市里行医,因为那儿有许多路过或者定居的外国人,他可以在那儿找到一条谋生之路。不过那还是以后的事。首先,他要谋得一两个医院里的差使,这样可以积累些经验,以后找工作更为容易些。他希望能在一条不定期的远洋货轮上当名随船医生,在船上有个住舱。这种船装卸货物没有限期,这样可以有足够的时间在轮船停留地游览观光。他想到东方去旅行。他的脑海里闪现出曼谷、上海和日本海港的风光。他遐想着那一丛丛棕榈树、烈日当空的蓝天、肤色黧黑的人们以及一座座宝塔,那东方特有的气味刺激着他的鼻腔。他那心房激荡着对那世界的奇妙的渴望之情。

米尔德丽德醒了。

"我想我肯定睡着了,"她说。"哎哟,你这个死丫头,瞧你尽干了些啥呀?菲利普,她身上的衣服昨天还是干干净净的,可你瞧,现在成了什么样儿了!"


wj宝宝

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等级: 内阁元老
青春又回来了嘛(*^▽^*)
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chapter 93

Next morning Mildred was sulky and taciturn. She remained in her room till it was time to get the dinner ready. She was a bad cook and could do little more than chops and steaks; and she did not know how to use up odds and ends, so that Philip was obliged to spend more money than he had expected. When she served up she sat down opposite Philip, but would eat nothing; he remarked on it; she said she had a bad headache and was not hungry. He was glad that he had somewhere to spend the rest of the day; the Athelnys were cheerful and friendly. It was a delightful and an unexpected thing to realise that everyone in that household looked forward with pleasure to his visit. Mildred had gone to bed when he came back, but next day she was still silent. At supper she sat with a haughty expression on her face and a little frown between her eyes. It made Philip impatient, but he told himself that he must be considerate to her; he was bound to make allowance.

‘You’re very silent,’ he said, with a pleasant smile.

‘I’m paid to cook and clean, I didn’t know I was expected to talk as well.’

He thought it an ungracious answer, but if they were going to live together he must do all he could to make things go easily.

‘I’m afraid you’re cross with me about the other night,’ he said.

It was an awkward thing to speak about, but apparently it was necessary to discuss it.

‘I don’t know what you mean,’ she answered.

‘Please don’t be angry with me. I should never have asked you to come and live here if I’d not meant our relations to be merely friendly. I suggested it because I thought you wanted a home and you would have a chance of looking about for something to do.’

‘Oh, don’t think I care.’

‘I don’t for a moment,’ he hastened to say. ‘You mustn’t think I’m ungrateful. I realise that you only proposed it for my sake. It’s just a feeling I have, and I can’t help it, it would make the whole thing ugly and horrid.’

‘You are funny’ she said, looking at him curiously. ‘I can’t make you out.’

She was not angry with him now, but puzzled; she had no idea what he meant: she accepted the situation, she had indeed a vague feeling that he was behaving in a very noble fashion and that she ought to admire it; but also she felt inclined to laugh at him and perhaps even to despise him a little.

‘He’s a rum customer,’ she thought.

Life went smoothly enough with them. Philip spent all day at the hospital and worked at home in the evening except when he went to the Athelnys’ or to the tavern in Beak Street. Once the physician for whom he clerked asked him to a solemn dinner, and two or three times he went to parties given by fellow-students. Mildred accepted the monotony of her life. If she minded that Philip left her sometimes by herself in the evening she never mentioned it. Occasionally he took her to a music hall. He carried out his intention that the only tie between them should be the domestic service she did in return for board and lodging. She had made up her mind that it was no use trying to get work that summer, and with Philip’s approval determined to stay where she was till the autumn. She thought it would be easy to get something to do then.

‘As far as I’m concerned you can stay on here when you’ve got a job if it’s convenient. The room’s there, and the woman who did for me before can come in to look after the baby.’

He grew very much attached to Mildred’s child. He had a naturally affectionate disposition, which had had little opportunity to display itself. Mildred was not unkind to the little girl. She looked after her very well and once when she had a bad cold proved herself a devoted nurse; but the child bored her, and she spoke to her sharply when she bothered; she was fond of her, but had not the maternal passion which might have induced her to forget herself. Mildred had no demonstrativeness, and she found the manifestations of affection ridiculous. When Philip sat with the baby on his knees, playing with it and kissing it, she laughed at him.

‘You couldn’t make more fuss of her if you was her father,’ she said. ‘You’re perfectly silly with the child.’

Philip flushed, for he hated to be laughed at. It was absurd to be so devoted to another man’s baby, and he was a little ashamed of the overflowing of his heart. But the child, feeling Philip’s attachment, would put her face against his or nestle in his arms.

‘It’s all very fine for you,’ said Mildred. ‘You don’t have any of the disagreeable part of it. How would you like being kept awake for an hour in the middle of the night because her ladyship wouldn’t go to sleep?’

Philip remembered all sorts of things of his childhood which he thought he had long forgotten. He took hold of the baby’s toes.

‘This little pig went to market, this little pig stayed at home.’

When he came home in the evening and entered the sitting-room his first glance was for the baby sprawling on the floor, and it gave him a little thrill of delight to hear the child’s crow of pleasure at seeing him. Mildred taught her to call him daddy, and when the child did this for the first time of her own accord, laughed immoderately.

‘I wonder if you’re that stuck on baby because she’s mine,’ asked Mildred, ‘or if you’d be the same with anybody’s baby.’

‘I’ve never known anybody else’s baby, so I can’t say,’ said Philip.

Towards the end of his second term as in-patients’ clerk a piece of good fortune befell Philip. It was the middle of July. He went one Tuesday evening to the tavern in Beak Street and found nobody there but Macalister. They sat together, chatting about their absent friends, and after a while Macalister said to him:

‘Oh, by the way, I heard of a rather good thing today, New Kleinfonteins; it’s a gold mine in Rhodesia. If you’d like to have a flutter you might make a bit.’

Philip had been waiting anxiously for such an opportunity, but now that it came he hesitated. He was desperately afraid of losing money. He had little of the gambler’s spirit.

‘I’d love to, but I don’t know if I dare risk it. How much could I lose if things went wrong?’

‘I shouldn’t have spoken of it, only you seemed so keen about it,’ Macalister answered coldly.

Philip felt that Macalister looked upon him as rather a donkey.

‘I’m awfully keen on making a bit,’ he laughed.

‘You can’t make money unless you’re prepared to risk money.’

Macalister began to talk of other things and Philip, while he was answering him, kept thinking that if the venture turned out well the stockbroker would be very facetious at his expense next time they met. Macalister had a sarcastic tongue.

‘I think I will have a flutter if you don’t mind,’ said Philip anxiously.

‘All right. I’ll buy you two hundred and fifty shares and if I see a half-crown rise I’ll sell them at once.’

Philip quickly reckoned out how much that would amount to, and his mouth watered; thirty pounds would be a godsend just then, and he thought the fates owed him something. He told Mildred what he had done when he saw her at breakfast next morning. She thought him very silly.

‘I never knew anyone who made money on the Stock Exchange,’ she said. ‘That’s what Emil always said, you can’t expect to make money on the Stock Exchange, he said.’

Philip bought an evening paper on his way home and turned at once to the money columns. He knew nothing about these things and had difficulty in finding the stock which Macalister had spoken of. He saw they had advanced a quarter. His heart leaped, and then he felt sick with apprehension in case Macalister had forgotten or for some reason had not bought. Macalister had promised to telegraph. Philip could not wait to take a tram home. He jumped into a cab. It was an unwonted extravagance.

‘Is there a telegram for me?’ he said, as he burst in.

‘No,’ said Mildred.

His face fell, and in bitter disappointment he sank heavily into a chair.

‘Then he didn’t buy them for me after all. Curse him,’ he added violently. ‘What cruel luck! And I’ve been thinking all day of what I’d do with the money.’

‘Why, what were you going to do?’ she asked.

‘What’s the good of thinking about that now? Oh, I wanted the money so badly.’

She gave a laugh and handed him a telegram.

‘I was only having a joke with you. I opened it.’

He tore it out of her hands. Macalister had bought him two hundred and fifty shares and sold them at the half-crown profit he had suggested. The commission note was to follow next day. For one moment Philip was furious with Mildred for her cruel jest, but then he could only think of his joy.

‘It makes such a difference to me,’ he cried. ‘I’ll stand you a new dress if you like.’

‘I want it badly enough,’ she answered.

‘I’ll tell you what I’m going to do. I’m going to be operated upon at the end of July.’

‘Why, have you got something the matter with you?’ she interrupted.

It struck her that an illness she did not know might explain what had so much puzzled her. He flushed, for he hated to refer to his deformity.

‘No, but they think they can do something to my foot. I couldn’t spare the time before, but now it doesn’t matter so much. I shall start my dressing in October instead of next month. I shall only be in hospital a few weeks and then we can go away to the seaside for the rest of the summer. It’ll do us all good, you and the baby and me.’

‘Oh, let’s go to Brighton, Philip, I like Brighton, you get such a nice class of people there.’ Philip had vaguely thought of some little fishing village in Cornwall, but as she spoke it occurred to him that Mildred would be bored to death there.

‘I don’t mind where we go as long as I get the sea.’

He did not know why, but he had suddenly an irresistible longing for the sea. He wanted to bathe, and he thought with delight of splashing about in the salt water. He was a good swimmer, and nothing exhilarated him like a rough sea.

‘I say, it will be jolly,’ he cried.

‘It’ll be like a honeymoon, won’t it?’ she said. ‘How much can I have for my new dress, Phil?’



第九十三章

翌日上午,米尔德丽德脸色阴沉,闷声吞气。她把自己关在卧室里,足不出户,直到该烧中饭时才走出房门。她可是个蹩脚厨娘,除了烧排骨、炒肉片之外,会做的菜就寥寥无几了,而且她还不懂得要物尽其用,把一些碎杂儿都给扔了。因此,菲利普不得不承担一笔比原先估计的要大得多的开支。米尔德丽德摆好饭菜之后,便在菲利普的对面坐了下来,可就是不吃不喝。菲利普问她,她只说是头疼得厉害,肚子不饿。菲利普心里高兴的是他还有个好去处可以打发这天余下的时光--阿特尔涅一家子都挺爽快,且还很好客。他们一个个都怀着高兴的心情期待着他的登门造访,这倒是件意想不到的好事。菲利普从阿特尔涅家回到寓所时,米尔德丽德早已就寝了。可是到了第二天,她还是那样的一言不发。吃晚饭时,她坐在桌边,愁眉锁眼的,但他默默告诫自己要体贴她,要体谅她的心情。

"你怎么一声也不吭呀?"菲利普笑容可掬地问道。

"我受雇替人烧饭和打扫房间,可不曾想到还要与人说话。"

菲利普认为这个答话太无礼了,但是如果他们俩还要继续在一起过日子,那他就必须尽力而为,使得他俩的关系不要过于紧张。

"恐怕你是为了那天晚上的事儿生我的气了吧?"菲利普说。

谈论这件事倒叫人颇为尴尬,不过显然有必要跟她把话说清楚。

"我不知道你的话是什么意思,"米尔德丽德回了一句。

"请别发脾气。要不是我认为我们之间的关系只能是朋友关系,当初我就不会叫你住到这儿来了。我之所以提出这个建议,是因为我想你希望有个栖身之处,你也可以有个出去找个活儿干干的机会。"

"喔,别以为我看重这件事儿。"

"我

一刻儿也没这样想过,"菲利普连忙接口说,"你也不应当以为我这个人不讲情义。我知道你是为了我才提出那个事情的。我只是感到那个事情会使一切都显得丑恶和可怕,我也说不清楚自己怎么会有这种想法的。"

"你这个人真怪,"米尔德丽德说着用好奇的目光注视着菲利普,"真叫人猜不透。"

此刻,她对菲利普已无怨恨之心,但颇感惆怅迷惘,不知道菲利普究竟是什么心思。她默默地接受了这种生活方式,她的确朦朦胧胧地感到菲利普的行为是非常高尚的,对此,她不能不佩服。不过在这同时,她又想嘲笑他,或许还有点儿瞧不起他。

"他是个不好对付的家伙,"米尔德丽德私下里这么想。

对他们来说,日子倒过得挺顺当的。菲利普白天都泡在医院里,晚上除了去阿特尔涅家或上皮克大街上的那家酒菜馆以外,一般都在寓所看书做功课。有一次,一位医生邀请他出席一次正式的午餐会,因他曾在这位医生手下实习过。他还参加了两三次同学们举行的晚会。而米尔德丽德则听其自然,对这种寂寞单调的生活倒也接受下来了。要是她对菲利普在晚上把她独自一人扔在寓所这件事有所介意,她嘴上可从来不说。间或,菲利普也把她带上杂耍剧场去散散心。菲利普是在切实地贯彻他的意图,即他们俩之间的关系只能是他为米尔德丽德提供食宿之便,而米尔德丽德得以操持家务来抵偿。米尔德丽德决定夏天不去找工作,因为去找也没有用。在菲利普的许可下,她拿定主意在原地呆到秋天。她想,到了秋天,出去找工作要容易些。

"就我来说,就是你找到了工作,只要你认为方便的话,你还可以呆在这里。房间是现成的,原先我雇佣的那个老妈于可以来照料孩子。"

菲利普变得非常疼爱米尔德丽德的孩子。他有做慈父的大性,可就是没有机会得以表露。米尔德丽德待孩子也不能说不好。她把孩子照应得很好。有一次,孩子患了重感冒,她就像位尽心尽职的护士那样照料着孩子。可是,孩子使她心生厌烦。孩子一打扰她,她就恶声恶气的。她喜次这孩子,可缺少那种忘我的母爱。米尔德丽德不是个感情外露的人,相反觉得情感的流露荒唐可笑。当菲利普把孩子抱在膝上坐着,逼孩子玩、吻孩子的时候,她就大声嘲笑他。

"你真是她的生身父亲的话,也至多只能这样喜爱她了,"她说,"跟这孩子在一起的时候,你要多傻气有多傻气。"

菲利普的脸刷地红了,他就怕受人奚落。自己对另一个男人的孩子竟会如此的一往情深,真是荒唐!他不由得为自己感情的洋溢而感到难为情。然而,此刻那孩子似乎感觉到他喜欢她,便把那张小脸紧紧地贴住菲利普的脸,并依偎在他的怀抱里。

"对你来说一切都很好罗,"米尔德丽德说。"不顺心的事儿你又沾不上边。要是你夜里睡得好好的,可就因为这位小太太不想睡,让你醒上个把钟头,你会有什么想法呢?"

菲利普以为早忘却了的自己孩提时代的往事,一下子都涌现在自己的脑海里。他信手抓起了孩子的脚趾。

"这只小猪卖给市场,这只小猪留在家里。"

傍晚回家,一走进起居间,他第一眼就是搜索那四肢趴在地板上的孩子。一听到那孩子看到他后发出的愉快的叫唤声,他心里不由激起几朵兴奋的浪花。米尔德丽德教孩子管菲利普叫爸爸,可是当孩子第一次自动地叫菲利普爸爸时,她又肆无忌惮地发出一阵浪笑。

"我怀疑你是否因为这孩子是我的才这么喜欢她的,"米尔德丽德说,"不知道你对别人的孩子可也是这样的。"

"我从来不认识任何人的孩子,所以我也说不上来,"菲利普答道。

菲利普在住院部实习的第二学期即将结束。此时,他交上了好运。时值七月中旬。一个星期二晚上,他上皮克大街上的那家酒菜馆去,发现只有马卡利斯特一人在那儿。他们俩坐在一起,谈了一会儿那两位缺席的朋友。过了一会儿,马卡利斯特对菲利普说:

"喂,顺便给你说个事儿。今天我听到了一个非常好的消息。是关于新克莱恩丰顿的消息。新克莱恩丰顿是罗得西亚的一座金矿。要是你想投一下机的话,倒是可以赚一笔钱的。"

菲利普一直在心情迫切地等待这么个机会,可机会真的来了,他倒犹豫起来了。他极怕输钱,因为他缺少点赌徒的气质。

"我很想试试,不过我不知道我是否敢去冒这个险。一旦环事,我要蚀掉多少本呀?"

"就因为看你对这事很迫切,我才把这件事告诉你的,要不然,我根本不会讲。"

菲利普觉得马卡利斯特把他看作是一头蠢驴。

"我是很想赚笔钱的,"他哈哈笑着说。

"除非你准备冒险,否则就甭想赚到一个子儿。"

马卡利斯特谈起别的事情来了。坐在一旁的菲利普,嘴上嗯嗯哼哼地应答着,可心里头却一刻不停地盘算着,要是这场交易最后成功了,那么下次他们俩见面时,这位证券经纪人就会看他的笑话。马卡利斯特的那张嘴可会挖苦人了。

"如果你不介意的话,我倒想试它一试,"菲利普热切地说。

"好吧。我给你买进二百五十份股票,一看到涨上两个半先令的话,我就立即把你的股票抛售出去。"

菲利普很快就算出了这笔数字有多大,此刻,他不禁垂涎三尺。到时候,就会从天外飞来三十英镑的意外之财,他认为命运的确欠他的债。第二天早晨吃早饭时,他一看到米尔德丽德,就把此事告诉了她。可她却认为他太愚蠢了。

"我从来没碰到过有谁通过证券交易所发了大财的,"她说道,"埃米尔经常这么说的。他说,你不能指望通过证券交易所去发财。"

菲利普在回家的路上买了张晚报,眼睛一下子就盯住了金融栏。他对这类事一窍不通,好不容易才找到马卡利斯特讲起的股票。他发现股票行情上涨了四分之一。他的心怦怦直跳。蓦地,他又忧心如焚,担心马卡利斯特把他的事给忘了,或者由于别的什么原因没有代他购进股票。马卡利斯特答应给他打电报。菲利普等不及乘电车回家,跳上了一辆马车。这在他来说,倒是个罕见的奢侈行为。

"有我的电报吗?"他一跨进房门便问道。

"没有,"米尔德丽德答了一声。

他顿时拉长了脸,深感失望,重重地瘫进了一张椅子里。

"这么说来,他根本没给我购进股票。这个混蛋!"他愤愤地骂了一句。"真倒运!我整天在考虑我怎么花那笔钱。"

"喂,你打算干什么呀?"米尔德丽德问了一句。

"现在还想它做什么?喔,我多么需要那笔钱啊!"

米尔德丽德哈哈一笑,随手递给他一封电报。

"刚才我是跟你闹着玩的。这电报我拆过了。"

他一把从她手中夺过电报。马卡利斯特给他购进了二百五十份股票,并正如他说的那样,以两个半先令的利息把股票抛了出去。委托书第二天就到。有一会儿,菲利普很恼火,米尔德丽德竟跟他开这么个残忍的玩笑,可是隔了不久,他完全沉浸在欢乐之中了。

"我有了这笔钱,情形可就不同啦,"他大声叫了起来。"你愿意的话,我给你买件新衣服。"

"我正需要买一件新衣服,"米尔德丽德接口说。

"我现在把我的打算告诉你。我打算在七月底去开刀。"

"哎,你有啥毛病啊?"她插进来问道。

米尔德丽德觉得,他身患一种她不知道的暗疾这件事,兴许能够帮助她弄明白她为什么对他感到迷惑不解的原因。而菲利普涨红了脸,因为他不愿提起他的残疾。

一没什么毛病,不过他们认为我的跛足还是有办法治的。以前我腾不出时间来,可现在就没有关系了。我在医院里只呆几个星期,然后我们可以去海滨度过余下的夏日。这对你,对孩子,对我,对我们大家都有好处。"

"哦,我们上布赖顿去吧,菲利普。我喜欢布赖顿,你在那儿有那么多的颇有身份的朋友。"

菲利普依稀想起了康沃尔一带的小渔村。但是在米尔德丽德说话的当儿,他忽然觉得到那儿去,米尔德丽德会憋得发慌的。

"只要能看到大海,上哪儿都行。"

不知怎么的,菲利普心中突然萌生出一种不可抗拒的对大海的渴望之情。他想痛痛快快地洗个海水浴。他兴奋地畅想起自己拍击海水浪花四溅的情景来,没有比波涛汹涌的大海更能激起他无限的欢乐。

"嘿,那可美极啦!"菲利普叫喊着。

"倒像是去度蜜月一样,是不?"米尔德丽德说。"菲尔,你给我多少钱去买新衣服呀?"


wj宝宝

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等级: 内阁元老
青春又回来了嘛(*^▽^*)
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chapter 92

The following day was Tuesday. Philip as usual hurried through his breakfast and dashed off to get to his lecture at nine. He had only time to exchange a few words with Mildred. When he came back in the evening he found her seated at the window, darning his socks.

‘I say, you are industrious,’ he smiled. ‘What have you been doing with yourself all day?’

‘Oh, I gave the place a good cleaning and then I took baby out for a little.’

She was wearing an old black dress, the same as she had worn as uniform when she served in the tea-shop; it was shabby, but she looked better in it than in the silk of the day before. The baby was sitting on the floor. She looked up at Philip with large, mysterious eyes and broke into a laugh when he sat down beside her and began playing with her bare toes. The afternoon sun came into the room and shed a mellow light.

‘It’s rather jolly to come back and find someone about the place. A woman and a baby make very good decoration in a room.’

He had gone to the hospital dispensary and got a bottle of Blaud’s Pills, He gave them to Mildred and told her she must take them after each meal. It was a remedy she was used to, for she had taken it off and on ever since she was sixteen.

‘I’m sure Lawson would love that green skin of yours,’ said Philip. ‘He’d say it was so paintable, but I’m terribly matter of fact nowadays, and I shan’t be happy till you’re as pink and white as a milkmaid.’

‘I feel better already.’

After a frugal supper Philip filled his pouch with tobacco and put on his hat. It was on Tuesdays that he generally went to the tavern in Beak Street, and he was glad that this day came so soon after Mildred’s arrival, for he wanted to make his relations with her perfectly clear.

‘Are you going out?’ she said.

‘Yes, on Tuesdays I give myself a night off. I shall see you tomorrow. Good-night.’

Philip always went to the tavern with a sense of pleasure. Macalister, the philosophic stockbroker, was generally there and glad to argue upon any subject under the sun; Hayward came regularly when he was in London; and though he and Macalister disliked one another they continued out of habit to meet on that one evening in the week. Macalister thought Hayward a poor creature, and sneered at his delicacies of sentiment: he asked satirically about Hayward’s literary work and received with scornful smiles his vague suggestions of future masterpieces; their arguments were often heated; but the punch was good, and they were both fond of it; towards the end of the evening they generally composed their differences and thought each other capital fellows. This evening Philip found them both there, and Lawson also; Lawson came more seldom now that he was beginning to know people in London and went out to dinner a good deal. They were all on excellent terms with themselves, for Macalister had given them a good thing on the Stock Exchange, and Hayward and Lawson had made fifty pounds apiece. It was a great thing for Lawson, who was extravagant and earned little money: he had arrived at that stage of the portrait-painter’s career when he was noticed a good deal by the critics and found a number of aristocratic ladies who were willing to allow him to paint them for nothing (it advertised them both, and gave the great ladies quite an air of patronesses of the arts); but he very seldom got hold of the solid philistine who was ready to pay good money for a portrait of his wife. Lawson was brimming over with satisfaction.

‘It’s the most ripping way of making money that I’ve ever struck,’ he cried. ‘I didn’t have to put my hand in my pocket for sixpence.’

‘You lost something by not being here last Tuesday, young man,’ said Macalister to Philip.

‘My God, why didn’t you write to me?’ said Philip. ‘If you only knew how useful a hundred pounds would be to me.’

‘Oh, there wasn’t time for that. One has to be on the spot. I heard of a good thing last Tuesday, and I asked these fellows if they’d like to have a flutter, I bought them a thousand shares on Wednesday morning, and there was a rise in the afternoon so I sold them at once. I made fifty pounds for each of them and a couple of hundred for myself.’

Philip was sick with envy. He had recently sold the last mortgage in which his small fortune had been invested and now had only six hundred pounds left. He was panic-stricken sometimes when he thought of the future. He had still to keep himself for two years before he could be qualified, and then he meant to try for hospital appointments, so that he could not expect to earn anything for three years at least. With the most rigid economy he would not have more than a hundred pounds left then. It was very little to have as a stand-by in case he was ill and could not earn money or found himself at any time without work. A lucky gamble would make all the difference to him.

‘Oh, well, it doesn’t matter,’ said Macalister. ‘Something is sure to turn up soon. There’ll be a boom in South Africans again one of these days, and then I’ll see what I can do for you.’

Macalister was in the Kaffir market and often told them stories of the sudden fortunes that had been made in the great boom of a year or two back.

‘Well, don’t forget next time.’

They sat on talking till nearly midnight, and Philip, who lived furthest off, was the first to go. If he did not catch the last tram he had to walk, and that made him very late. As it was he did not reach home till nearly half past twelve. When he got upstairs he was surprised to find Mildred still sitting in his arm-chair.

‘Why on earth aren’t you in bed?’ he cried.

‘I wasn’t sleepy.’

‘You ought to go to bed all the same. It would rest you.’

She did not move. He noticed that since supper she had changed into her black silk dress.

‘I thought I’d rather wait up for you in case you wanted anything.’

She looked at him, and the shadow of a smile played upon her thin pale lips. Philip was not sure whether he understood or not. He was slightly embarrassed, but assumed a cheerful, matter-of-fact air.

‘It’s very nice of you, but it’s very naughty also. Run off to bed as fast as you can, or you won’t be able to get up tomorrow morning.’

‘I don’t feel like going to bed.’

‘Nonsense,’ he said coldly.

She got up, a little sulkily, and went into her room. He smiled when he heard her lock the door loudly.

The next few days passed without incident. Mildred settled down in her new surroundings. When Philip hurried off after breakfast she had the whole morning to do the housework. They ate very simply, but she liked to take a long time to buy the few things they needed; she could not be bothered to cook anything for her dinner, but made herself some cocoa and ate bread and butter; then she took the baby out in the gocart, and when she came in spent the rest of the afternoon in idleness. She was tired out, and it suited her to do so little. She made friends with Philip’s forbidding landlady over the rent, which he left with Mildred to pay, and within a week was able to tell him more about his neighbours than he had learned in a year.

‘She’s a very nice woman,’ said Mildred. ‘Quite the lady. I told her we was married.’

‘D’you think that was necessary?’

‘Well, I had to tell her something. It looks so funny me being here and not married to you. I didn’t know what she’d think of me.’

‘I don’t suppose she believed you for a moment.’

‘That she did, I lay. I told her we’d been married two years—I had to say that, you know, because of baby—only your people wouldn’t hear of it, because you was only a student’—she pronounced it stoodent—‘and so we had to keep it a secret, but they’d given way now and we were all going down to stay with them in the summer.’

‘You’re a past mistress of the cock-and-bull story,’ said Philip.

He was vaguely irritated that Mildred still had this passion for telling fibs. In the last two years she had learnt nothing. But he shrugged his shoulders.

‘When all’s said and done,’ he reflected, ‘she hasn’t had much chance.’

It was a beautiful evening, warm and cloudless, and the people of South London seemed to have poured out into the streets. There was that restlessness in the air which seizes the cockney sometimes when a turn in the weather calls him into the open. After Mildred had cleared away the supper she went and stood at the window. The street noises came up to them, noises of people calling to one another, of the passing traffic, of a barrel-organ in the distance.

‘I suppose you must work tonight, Philip?’ she asked him, with a wistful expression.

‘I ought, but I don’t know that I must. Why, d’you want me to do anything else?’

‘I’d like to go out for a bit. Couldn’t we take a ride on the top of a tram?’

‘If you like.’

‘I’ll just go and put on my hat,’ she said joyfully.

The night made it almost impossible to stay indoors. The baby was asleep and could be safely left; Mildred said she had always left it alone at night when she went out; it never woke. She was in high spirits when she came back with her hat on. She had taken the opportunity to put on a little rouge. Philip thought it was excitement which had brought a faint colour to her pale cheeks; he was touched by her child-like delight, and reproached himself for the austerity with which he had treated her. She laughed when she got out into the air. The first tram they saw was going towards Westminster Bridge and they got on it. Philip smoked his pipe, and they looked at the crowded street. The shops were open, gaily lit, and people were doing their shopping for the next day. They passed a music-hall called the Canterbury and Mildred cried out:

‘Oh, Philip, do let’s go there. I haven’t been to a music-hall for months.’

‘We can’t afford stalls, you know.’

‘Oh, I don’t mind, I shall be quite happy in the gallery.’

They got down and walked back a hundred yards till they came to the doors. They got capital seats for sixpence each, high up but not in the gallery, and the night was so fine that there was plenty of room. Mildred’s eyes glistened. She enjoyed herself thoroughly. There was a simple-mindedness in her which touched Philip. She was a puzzle to him. Certain things in her still pleased him, and he thought that there was a lot in her which was very good: she had been badly brought up, and her life was hard; he had blamed her for much that she could not help; and it was his own fault if he had asked virtues from her which it was not in her power to give. Under different circumstances she might have been a charming girl. She was extraordinarily unfit for the battle of life. As he watched her now in profile, her mouth slightly open and that delicate flush on her cheeks, he thought she looked strangely virginal. He felt an overwhelming compassion for her, and with all his heart he forgave her for the misery she had caused him. The smoky atmosphere made Philip’s eyes ache, but when he suggested going she turned to him with beseeching face and asked him to stay till the end. He smiled and consented. She took his hand and held it for the rest of the performance. When they streamed out with the audience into the crowded street she did not want to go home; they wandered up the Westminster Bridge Road, looking at the people.

‘I’ve not had such a good time as this for months,’ she said.

Philip’s heart was full, and he was thankful to the fates because he had carried out his sudden impulse to take Mildred and her baby into his flat. It was very pleasant to see her happy gratitude. At last she grew tired and they jumped on a tram to go home; it was late now, and when they got down and turned into their own street there was no one about. Mildred slipped her arm through his.

‘It’s just like old times, Phil,’ she said.

She had never called him Phil before, that was what Griffiths called him; and even now it gave him a curious pang. He remembered how much he had wanted to die then; his pain had been so great that he had thought quite seriously of committing suicide. It all seemed very long ago. He smiled at his past self. Now he felt nothing for Mildred but infinite pity. They reached the house, and when they got into the sitting-room Philip lit the gas.

‘Is the baby all right?’ he asked.

‘I’ll just go in and see.’

When she came back it was to say that it had not stirred since she left it. It was a wonderful child. Philip held out his hand.

‘Well, good-night.’

‘D’you want to go to bed already?’

‘It’s nearly one. I’m not used to late hours these days,’ said Philip.

She took his hand and holding it looked into his eyes with a little smile.

‘Phil, the other night in that room, when you asked me to come and stay here, I didn’t mean what you thought I meant, when you said you didn’t want me to be anything to you except just to cook and that sort of thing.’

‘Didn’t you?’ answered Philip, withdrawing his hand. ‘I did.’

‘Don’t be such an old silly,’ she laughed.

He shook his head.

‘I meant it quite seriously. I shouldn’t have asked you to stay here on any other condition.’

‘Why not?’

‘I feel I couldn’t. I can’t explain it, but it would spoil it all.’

She shrugged her shoulders.

‘Oh, very well, it’s just as you choose. I’m not one to go down on my hands and knees for that, and chance it.’

She went out, slamming the door behind her.



第九十二章

翌日是星期二。同往常一样,菲利普扒拉了两口早饭后,便连奔带跑地去赶九点钟的课。因此,他只能同米尔德丽德三言两语打个招呼,没时间多说话。黄昏时分,他从医院回到寓所,发现米尔德丽德凭窗而坐,双手在不停地补缀他的袜子。

"哟,你倒蛮勤俭的嘛,"菲利普满面春风地说。"你这一天干了些啥呀?"

"哦,我把房间彻底打扫了一下,然后抱着孩子出去溜达了一会儿。"

此刻,米尔德丽德身上穿了件陈旧的黑上衣。这还是她当初在茶食店里干活时穿的制服,旧是旧了些,不过穿上它要比穿前天那件绸衣裙显得精神些。那女孩坐在地板上,仰着头,忽闪着一对神秘的大眼睛瞅着菲利普。当菲利普蹲下去坐在她身边抚弄她的光脚丫时,她突然格格笑了起来。斜阳西照,房间里充满缕缕柔和的光线。

"一回来看到屋里有人走动,真叫人心里感到乐滋滋的。一个女人,外加一个孩子,倒把房间点缀得富有生气。"

菲利普从医院药房搞回来一瓶布劳氏丸,交给了米尔德丽德,并嘱咐她每餐饭后一定要服用。这种药她已经用惯了,因为打十六岁起,她就断断续续地吃了不少。

"劳森肯定会喜欢上你这泛着绿色的皮肤,"菲利普说道。"他一定会说你这皮肤很有画头。但是近日来我倒挺担忧的,你的皮肤一天不变得像挤奶女工那样白里透红,我心里一天也不会好受。""

"我已经觉得好多了。"

吃过饭菜简单的晚餐之后,菲利普便往烟草袋里装满烟丝,然后戴上帽子。星期二晚上,他一般都要到皮克大街上的那家酒菜馆去,而今晚他高兴的是自从米尔德丽德来到他这儿,转眼又是星期二了,因为他想借此机会向米尔德丽德明白无误地表明他俩之间的关系。

"你要出去吗?"米尔德丽德问道。

"是的,每逢星期二,我总是要出去玩一个晚上。我们明天见。祝你晚安。"

菲利普总是怀着一种兴奋的心情上这家酒菜馆。那位颇有哲学家头脑的证券经纪人马卡利斯特是那儿的常客,天底下任何一件事情,他都要与人争个长短。海沃德只要人在伦敦也常到那儿去,虽然他同马卡利斯特两人相互都讨厌对方,但他们却一反常态,每逢星期二晚上都上这家酒菜馆会上一面。马卡利斯特认为海沃德是个可怜的家伙,对他那多愁善感的气质嗤之以鼻;他用讥讽挖苦的口吻询问海沃德创作文学作品的情况,当海沃德含糊其词地回答说不久将有杰作面世时,他听后总是报之以嘲弄的微笑。他们俩争论起来十分激烈,说起话来都颇有分量,对此,他们俩都很欣赏。夜间酒馆聚首临近结束时,他俩一般都能弥合分歧,握手言欢,相互认为对方是顶呱呱的一流人才。这天晚上,菲利普发觉除了他们两位外,劳森也在场。随着在伦敦结识的人越来越多,劳森经常于夜间外出就餐,因此很少到这家酒菜馆来。他们三位在一起谈笑风生,气氛十分融洽,因为马卡利斯特通过证券交易所为他们两位捞了笔外快,海沃德和劳森各得了五十英镑。对劳森来说,这五十英镑非同小可,因为他进帐不大,可花起钱来倒是大手大脚的。此时,劳森已达到了画人物肖像画的阶段,并受到了评论界的普遍关注,同时他还发现为数不少的贵妇人更乐于不掏一个子儿端坐着让他画肖像(无论是对那些贵妇人还是对劳森本人来说,这种做法都是做广告的绝好机会,同时也为那些贵妇人赢来了艺术保护人的声誉)。但是,劳森很少能找到个傻瓜肯出一大笔钱让劳森给他的夫人画肖像画的。尽管如此,劳森还是感到心满意足。

"这倒是个绝妙的赚钱办法,以前我从来没想到过,"劳森喜滋滋地嚷道,"我甚至连六便士的本钱都不必掏。"

"年轻人,你上星期二没上这儿来,可失掉了一个极好的机会,"马卡利斯特对菲利普说。

"老天爷,你为啥不写信告诉找呢?"菲利普接着说,"要知道一百镑对我有多大的用处啊!"

"喔,那会儿时间来不及了。人得呆在现场。上星期二我听到了一个好消息,便问他们两个家伙是否也想试一试。星期三上午我为他们买进了一千股,下午行情就看涨了,于是我赶紧把股票抛出去。这样,我为他们两人各赚得五十镑,而我自己得了两三百镑。"

菲利普心里充满了妒意。近来他把最后一张抵押契据卖了,这张抵押契据是他的全部财产,眼下就剩了六百英镑现款了。有时候,一想到今后的日子,菲利普心里不觉栖惶。他还得读两年才能取得当医生的资格,此后他得设法在医院找个职位,这样一来,至少有三年的光景,他别指望能赚得一个子儿。就是他紧缩开支,过最俭朴的生活,到那时,他手头至多只剩百把英镑。百把英镑的积蓄微乎其微,万一生病不能挣钱或者什么时候找不到工作,那日子就更难打发了。因此,玩上一玩可带来幸运的赌博,对他来说,那情形就完全不同啦。

"哦,嗯,别着急,"马卡利斯特说,"机会很快就会有的。几天之内,南非国家很快就会出现股票行情暴涨,到时候我一定为你好生留意着就是了。

马卡利斯特当时正在南非矿山股票市场干事,他常常给他们讲起一两年以前股票行情暴涨时发大财的故事。

"好吧,下次可别忘了我呀。"

他们围坐在一起高谈阔论,不觉已到子夜时分。菲利普住得最远,首先告辞。如果赶不上最后一班电车,他就得步行,那样回到寓所就很迟了。事实上,将近十二点半光景,他才回到寓所。他上得楼来,发觉米尔德丽德仍旧坐在他的安乐椅里,感到十分诧异。

"你为什么还不上床睡觉?"菲利普大声嚷着。

"我不困。"

"就是不困,也该上床躺着,这一样可以得到休息嘛!"

她一动不动地坐在安乐椅里。菲利普注意到晚饭后她又换上了那件黑色绸衣裙。

"我想我还是等着你,万一你需要拿个东西什么的。"

米尔德丽德说罢两眼直勾勾地望着他,两片毫无血色的嘴唇隐隐约约露出一丝笑意。菲利普自己也拿不准他是否理解了她的用意。他只觉得有点儿尴尬,似还是装出一到快活的、漫不经心的样子。

"你这样做是好的,但也太淘气了。快给我睡觉去,要不明天早晨就爬不起来了。"

"我还不想上床睡觉。"

"扯淡,"菲利普冷冷地说了一声。

米尔德丽德从安乐椅里站了起来,绷着脸儿,走进了她的卧室。当耳边传来她沉重的锁门声时,菲利普脸上绽开了笑容。

以后的几天倒平安无事地过去了。米尔德丽德随遇而安,在这陌生的环境中定居下来了。菲利普匆匆赶去上课之后,她一上午就在寓所操持家务。他们吃的很简单。不过,她就喜欢为了买些许必不可少的食品而在街上磨蹭个老半天。她不能自己想吃什么就做什么,但尽管如此,她还是给自己煮杯可可喝喝,弄些奶油和面包啃啃。享受过后,便用小人车推着孩子上街溜达,然后回到寓所,百无聊赖地打发下午余下的时光。她心力交瘁,然而只做几件轻便的家务活儿还是合适的。菲利普把房租钱交由米尔德丽德去付,借此她同菲利普的令人生畏的房东太太交上了朋友,而且不出一个星期,她居然能够给菲利普聊聊左邻右舍的情况,了解的情况之多,远远超过了菲利普一年中所知道的。

"她可是位非常好的太太,"米尔德丽德对菲利普说,"简直像个贵妇人。我告诉她说我们是夫妻。"

"你认为有此必要吗?"

"嗯,我总得对她说点什么呀。我人住在这儿而又不是你的妻子,这事叫人看来不是太可笑了吗?我不知道她对我会有什么看法。"

"我想她根本不相信你说的话。"

"她肯定相信,我敢打赌。我告诉她说我们结婚已两年了--要知道,由于有了这个孩子,我只好这么说--只有你那儿的人才会不相信,因为你还是个学生。因此,我们得瞒着不让别人知道,不过现在他们的看法也改变了,因为我们将要跟他们一道去海滨消暑。"

"你可是个编造荒诞故事的老手罗,"菲利普说了一句。

看到米尔德丽德撒谎的劲头仍不减当初,菲利普心中隐隐有些反感。在过去的两年中,她可什么教训都没记取。但是当着米尔德丽德的面,他只是耸了耸肩膀。

"归根结蒂一句话,"菲利普暗自思忖,"她运气不佳。"

这是个美丽的夜晚,夜空无一丝云彩,天气温暖宜人,伦敦南部地区的人们似乎倾巢而出,都涌到了街上。周围有一种使得那些伦敦佬坐立不安的气氛,而每当天气突然变化,这种气氛总是唆使伦敦佬走出家门来到户外。米尔德丽德收拾好饭桌以后,便走到窗口跟前,凭窗眺望。街上的喧闹声迎面扑来,人们相互的呼唤声、来往车辆的呼啸声、远处一架手转风琴的乐曲声,纷纷从窗口灌进房间,送进他俩的耳中。

"菲利普,我想今晚你非看书不可,对不?"米尔德丽德问菲利普,脸上现出渴望的神情。

"我应该看书。不过,我不晓得为什么我非看不可。嘿,你想叫我干点别的什么事吗?"

"我很想出去散散心。难道我们就不能去坐在电车顶上溜它一圈吗?"

"随你的便。"

"我这就去戴帽子,"她兴高采烈地说。

在这样的夜晚,人们要耐住性子呆在家里是不可能的。那孩子早已进入温柔的梦乡,留她在家决不会有什么问题的。米尔德丽德说以前夜里外出就常常把孩子一人扔在家里,她可从来没醒过。米尔德丽德戴好帽子回来时,心里别提有多高兴了。她还抓紧时间往脸上搽了点胭脂。而菲利普还以为她是太激动了,苍白的面颊才升起了两朵淡淡的红晕呢。看到她高兴得像个孩子似的,菲利普真地动了感情,还暗暗责备起自己待她太苛刻来了。来到户外时,她开心地哈哈笑了起来。他们一看到驶往威斯敏斯特大桥的电车,便跳了上去。菲利普嘴里衔着烟斗,同米尔德丽德一道注视着车窗外人头攒动的街道。一家家商店开着,灯光通明,人们忙着为第二天采购食品。当电车驶过一家叫做坎特伯雷的杂耍剧场时,米尔德丽德迫不及待地喊了起来:

"哦,菲利普,我们一定得上那儿去看看,我可有好久没上杂耍剧场了。"

"我们可买不起前排正厅座位的票,这你是知道的。"

"喔,我才不计较呢,就是顶层楼座我也够高兴的了。"

他们俩下了电车,往回走了百把码的路,才来到杂耍剧场门口。他们花了十二便士买了两个极好的座位,座位在高处,但决不是顶层楼座。这晚他们运气真好,剧场里有不少空位置呢。米尔德丽德双眸烟烟闪光,感到快活极了。她身上有种纯朴的气质打动了菲利普的心。她对菲利普来说是个猜不透的谜。她身上某些东西至今对菲利普仍不无吸引力,菲利普认为她身上还有不少好的地方。米尔德丽德从小没有教养,她人生坎坷;他还为了许多连她本人也无法可想的事情去责备她。如果他要求从她那里得到她自己也无力给予的贞操,那是他自己的过错。要是她生长在另一种生存环境里,她完全可能出落成一个妩媚可爱的姑娘。她根本不堪人生大搏斗的冲击。此刻,菲利普凝睇着她的侧影,只见她的嘴微微张着,双颊升起两朵淡淡的红晕,他认为她看上去出人意料的圣洁。一朋遏制不住的怜悯之情涌上他的心头,他诚心诚意地宽有她给自己带来了苦难的罪过。剧场里烟雾腾腾,使得菲利普的两眼发痛,但是当他对米尔德丽德提议回家时,她却转过脸来,一脸的恳求人的神色,请求他陪她呆到终场。菲利普粲然一笑,同意了。米尔德丽德握住了菲利普的手,一直握到表演结束。当他们汇入观众人流走出剧场来到熙熙攘攘的街上时,米尔德丽德还无意返回寓所。于是,他们俩比肩漫步来到威斯敏斯特大街上立在那儿,凝眸望着熙来攘往的人群。

"几个月来我还没有这么痛快过呢,"米尔德丽德说。

菲利普感到心满意足。他一时情不自禁地要把米尔德丽德及其女儿领到自己的寓所,而现在已变成了现实,为此,他对命运之神充满了感激的心情。看到她表示善意的感激之情,他打心眼里感到高兴。最后米尔德丽德终于累了,他们跳上一辆电车返回寓所。此时夜已深了,当他们步下电车,拐入寓所所在的街道时,街上空荡荡的阒无一人。这当儿,米尔德丽德悄悄地挽起了菲利普的胳膊。

"这倒有点像过去的情景了,菲尔,"米尔德丽德说道。

以前她从来没有叫过他菲尔,只有格里菲思一人这样叫过,即使是现在,一听到这一称呼,一种莫可名状的剧痛便袭上心来。他还记得当初他痛心疾首欲求一死的情景。那会儿,巨大的痛苦实难忍受,他还颇为认真地考虑过自杀来着。这一切似乎都是遥远的往事罗。他想起过去的自己时,不觉莞尔。眼下,他对米尔德丽德只有满腔的怜悯之情,除此别无任何其他感情可言。他们来到寓所跟前。步入起居间之后,菲利普随手点亮了煤气灯。

"孩子好吗?"他口中问道。

"我这就去瞧瞧她。"

米尔德丽德回到起居间,并说打她走了之后,那孩子睡得一直很香甜,连动也没动。这孩子可真乖!菲利普向米尔德丽德伸出一只手,并说:

"嗯,晚安。"

"你这就去睡觉吗?"

"都快一点啦。近来我不习惯睡得很迟,"菲利普答道。

米尔德丽德抓起了他的手,一边紧紧地攥着,一边笑眯眯地望着他的眼睛。

"菲尔,那天夜里在那个房间里,你叫我上这儿来同你呆在一起,你说你只要我给你做些烧饭之类的事情,除此之外,你不想我做别的什么。就在那会儿,我脑子里想的事情同你认为我在想的事情,可不是一码事啊。"

"是吗?"菲利普说着,从米尔德丽德的手中抽回自己的手。"我可是这样想的。"

"别这样傻里傻气的啦,"米尔德丽德哈哈笑着说。

菲利普摇了摇头。

"我是很认真的。我决不会提出任何别的条件来让你呆在这儿的。"

"为什么不呢?"

"我觉得我不能那么做。这种事我解释不了,不过它会把全盘事情搞懵的。"

米尔德丽德耸了耸双肩。

"唔,很好,那就随你的便吧。不过,我决不会为此跪下来求你的。我可不是那种人!"

说罢,她走出起居间,随手砰地带上身后的房门。

wj宝宝

ZxID:11619415


等级: 内阁元老
青春又回来了嘛(*^▽^*)
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chapter 91

Next day he got up early to make the room ready for Mildred. He told the woman who had looked after him that he would not want her any more. Mildred came about six, and Philip, who was watching from the window, went down to let her in and help her to bring up the luggage: it consisted now of no more than three large parcels wrapped in brown paper, for she had been obliged to sell everything that was not absolutely needful. She wore the same black silk dress she had worn the night before, and, though she had now no rouge on her cheeks, there was still about her eyes the black which remained after a perfunctory wash in the morning: it made her look very ill. She was a pathetic figure as she stepped out of the cab with the baby in her arms. She seemed a little shy, and they found nothing but commonplace things to say to one another.

‘So you’ve got here all right.’

‘I’ve never lived in this part of London before.’

Philip showed her the room. It was that in which Cronshaw had died. Philip, though he thought it absurd, had never liked the idea of going back to it; and since Cronshaw’s death he had remained in the little room, sleeping on a fold-up bed, into which he had first moved in order to make his friend comfortable. The baby was sleeping placidly.

‘You don’t recognise her, I expect,’ said Mildred.

‘I’ve not seen her since we took her down to Brighton.’

‘Where shall I put her? She’s so heavy I can’t carry her very long.’

‘I’m afraid I haven’t got a cradle,’ said Philip, with a nervous laugh.

‘Oh, she’ll sleep with me. She always does.’

Mildred put the baby in an arm-chair and looked round the room. She recognised most of the things which she had known in his old diggings. Only one thing was new, a head and shoulders of Philip which Lawson had painted at the end of the preceding summer; it hung over the chimney-piece; Mildred looked at it critically.

‘In some ways I like it and in some ways I don’t. I think you’re better looking than that.’

‘Things are looking up,’ laughed Philip. ‘You’ve never told me I was good-looking before.’

‘I’m not one to worry myself about a man’s looks. I don’t like good-looking men. They’re too conceited for me.’

Her eyes travelled round the room in an instinctive search for a looking-glass, but there was none; she put up her hand and patted her large fringe.

‘What’ll the other people in the house say to my being here?’ she asked suddenly.

‘Oh, there’s only a man and his wife living here. He’s out all day, and I never see her except on Saturday to pay my rent. They keep entirely to themselves. I’ve not spoken two words to either of them since I came.’

Mildred went into the bedroom to undo her things and put them away. Philip tried to read, but his spirits were too high: he leaned back in his chair, smoking a cigarette, and with smiling eyes looked at the sleeping child. He felt very happy. He was quite sure that he was not at all in love with Mildred. He was surprised that the old feeling had left him so completely; he discerned in himself a faint physical repulsion from her; and he thought that if he touched her it would give him goose-flesh. He could not understand himself. Presently, knocking at the door, she came in again.

‘I say, you needn’t knock,’ he said. ‘Have you made the tour of the mansion?’

‘It’s the smallest kitchen I’ve ever seen.’

‘You’ll find it large enough to cook our sumptuous repasts,’ he retorted lightly.

‘I see there’s nothing in. I’d better go out and get something.’

‘Yes, but I venture to remind you that we must be devilish economical.’

‘What shall I get for supper?’

‘You’d better get what you think you can cook,’ laughed Philip.

He gave her some money and she went out. She came in half an hour later and put her purchases on the table. She was out of breath from climbing the stairs.

‘I say, you are anaemic,’ said Philip. ‘I’ll have to dose you with Blaud’s Pills.’

‘It took me some time to find the shops. I bought some liver. That’s tasty, isn’t it? And you can’t eat much of it, so it’s more economical than butcher’s meat.’

There was a gas stove in the kitchen, and when she had put the liver on, Mildred came into the sitting-room to lay the cloth.

‘Why are you only laying one place?’ asked Philip. ‘Aren’t you going to eat anything?’

Mildred flushed.

‘I thought you mightn’t like me to have my meals with you.’

‘Why on earth not?’

‘Well, I’m only a servant, aren’t I?’

‘Don’t be an ass. How can you be so silly?’

He smiled, but her humility gave him a curious twist in his heart. Poor thing! He remembered what she had been when first he knew her. He hesitated for an instant.

‘Don’t think I’m conferring any benefit on you,’ he said. ‘It’s simply a business arrangement, I’m giving you board and lodging in return for your work. You don’t owe me anything. And there’s nothing humiliating to you in it.’

She did not answer, but tears rolled heavily down her cheeks. Philip knew from his experience at the hospital that women of her class looked upon service as degrading: he could not help feeling a little impatient with her; but he blamed himself, for it was clear that she was tired and ill. He got up and helped her to lay another place at the table. The baby was awake now, and Mildred had prepared some Mellin’s Food for it. The liver and bacon were ready and they sat down. For economy’s sake Philip had given up drinking anything but water, but he had in the house a half a bottle of whiskey, and he thought a little would do Mildred good. He did his best to make the supper pass cheerfully, but Mildred was subdued and exhausted. When they had finished she got up to put the baby to bed.

‘I think you’ll do well to turn in early yourself,’ said Philip. ‘You look absolute done up.’

‘I think I will after I’ve washed up.’

Philip lit his pipe and began to read. It was pleasant to hear somebody moving about in the next room. Sometimes his loneliness had oppressed him. Mildred came in to clear the table, and he heard the clatter of plates as she washed up. Philip smiled as he thought how characteristic it was of her that she should do all that in a black silk dress. But he had work to do, and he brought his book up to the table. He was reading Osler’s Medicine, which had recently taken the place in the students’ favour of Taylor’s work, for many years the text-book most in use. Presently Mildred came in, rolling down her sleeves. Philip gave her a casual glance, but did not move; the occasion was curious, and he felt a little nervous. He feared that Mildred might imagine he was going to make a nuisance of himself, and he did not quite know how without brutality to reassure her.

‘By the way, I’ve got a lecture at nine, so I should want breakfast at a quarter past eight. Can you manage that?’

‘Oh, yes. Why, when I was in Parliament Street I used to catch the eight-twelve from Herne Hill every morning.’

‘I hope you’ll find your room comfortable. You’ll be a different woman tomorrow after a long night in bed.’

‘I suppose you work till late?’

‘I generally work till about eleven or half-past.’

‘I’ll say good-night then.’

‘Good-night.’

The table was between them. He did not offer to shake hands with her. She shut the door quietly. He heard her moving about in the bed-room, and in a little while he heard the creaking of the bed as she got in.



第九十一章

第二天一清早,菲利普就起床为米尔德丽德收拾房间。他把那位一直照料他生活的妇人辞退了。大约六点光景,米尔德丽德来了。一直伫立在窗前向外张望的菲利普,连忙下楼开门,并帮她把行李拿上楼来。所谓行李,不过是三只用褐色纸包着的大包裹。因迫于生计,她不得不把一些并非必需的用品典卖了。米尔德丽德身上穿的还是昨晚那件绸衣裙,虽说眼下没施脂粉,但眼圈周围还是黑黑的,这显然是早上洗脸马虎而留下的印记。这使得她显得病恹恹的。她怀抱着孩子步出马车时的姿态凄楚动人。她显得有点儿腼腆。他们俩发觉没什么好说的,只是平平淡淡地互相寒暄了几句。

"啊,你到底来了。"

"我从来没在伦敦的这一带住过。"

菲利普领她去看房间。克朗肖就是在那个房间里咽气的。菲利普一直不想再搬回那个房间去住,虽说他也知道这种想法有些儿荒唐。自从克朗肖猝然弃世以来,他一直呆在那个小房间里,睡的是一张折叠床。当初,他是想让自己的朋友睡得舒适些才搬进那个小房间的。那个孩子安静地躺在她母亲的怀里。

"我想,你认不出她来了吧,"米尔德丽德说。

"打我们把她送到布赖顿起,我就没看见过她。"

"把她安顿在哪儿呀?她太沉了,时间长了,我可抱不动。"

"我恐怕还没置摇篮呢,"菲利普说话的当儿,局促不安地笑了笑。

"喔,她可以跟我睡。她一直是跟我睡的。"

米尔德丽德把孩子放在一张安乐椅里,随即目光朝房间四下里打量着。她认出房间里大部分陈设均是她在菲利普原来的住处见过的。只有一件没见过,那就是劳森去年夏天为菲利普画的那幅人头像,眼下悬挂在壁炉上方。米尔德丽德用一种不无挑剔的目光审视着这幅画像。

"从几个方面来说,我喜欢这张画。可从另一些方面来说,我又不喜欢它。我认为你要比这张画漂亮得多。"

"事情还真起了变化呢,"菲利普哈哈大笑,"你可从来没有当面说过我漂亮呀。"

"我这个人可没那个闲心思去为一个男人的相貌担忧。我不喜欢漂亮的男人。在我来看,漂亮的男人太傲慢了。"

说罢,她的目光扫视着房间,出乎女性的本能,她在寻找一面镜于,但是房间里却一面也没有。她抬起手拍了拍额前浓密的刘海。

"我住在这儿,别人会说什么呢?"她突然发问道。

"喔,这儿只住着另一个男人同他的妻子。他成天在外头,除了星期天去付房租外,其余的日子里我一直见不到他的妻子。他们夫妇俩从不跟人交往。打我住到这儿以来,我对他们中间的一位还没讲满两句话呢。"

米尔德丽德走进卧室,打开包裹,把东西安放好。菲利普试图读一点书,但无奈情绪亢奋,无心阅读。于是,他仰坐在椅子里,嘴里叼了支香烟,眼睛笑眯眯地凝视着熟睡的孩子。菲利普感到非常愉快。他自信他压根儿没有眷恋米尔德丽德之心。原先他对米尔德丽德所怀有的那种情感已荡然无存,对此,他也感到不胜惊讶。他隐隐约约觉得自己对她的肉体有种嫌恶的情绪,他想要是去抚摩她,他身上准会起鸡皮疙瘩。他猜不透自己究竟是怎么回事。就在这当儿,米尔德丽德随着一阵叩门声走了进来。

"我说呀,以后你进来就甭敲门了,"菲利普说,"每一个房间你都看过了吗?"

"我从来还未见过这么小的厨房呢。"

"到时你会发觉这个厨房大得足够你给我们俩烹制高级点心的了,"菲利普口气淡淡地顶了她一句。

"我看到厨房里啥也没有。我想还是上街去买些东西来。"

"是得去买些来。不过,对不起,我得提醒你花钱得算计着点。"

菲利普给了她些钱。她出门上街去了。半个小时以后,她就回来了,并把买来的东西往桌子上一放。因爬楼梯,此时她还直喘气呢。

"嘿,你身患贫血症,"菲利普说,"我得给你开些布劳氏丸吃吃。"

"我找了好一会儿才找到商店。买了点猪肝。猪肝的味儿挺鲜的,对不?再说也不能一下吃很多猪肝,所以说猪肝要比肉铺子里的猪肉上算得多。"

厨房里有个煤气灶,米尔德丽德把猪肝炖在煤气灶上以后,便走进房里来摊台布。

"你为什么只摊一块呢?"菲利普问道,"你自己不吃吗?"

米尔德丽德两颊绯红。

"我想兴许你不喜欢跟我同桌吃饭。"

"为什么会不喜欢跟你同桌吃饭呢?"

"嗯,我只是个用人,是不?"

"别傻里傻气的啦!你怎么会这么傻呢?"

菲利普粲然一笑,但是米尔德丽德那谦恭的态度在他心中激起了一阵莫名其妙的慌乱。可怜的人儿啊!他们俩初次见面时她的仪态至今还历历在目。菲利普沉吟了半晌才开腔说话。

"别以为我这是在给你施舍,"他说,"我们俩不过是做笔交易。我为你提供食宿,而你为我干活。你并不欠我什么东西。对你来说,也没有什么不光彩的。"

对此,米尔德丽德没有应声,然而,大颗大颗的泪珠顺着双额滚滚而下。菲利普根据在医院的经验得知,像米尔德丽德这一阶层的女人都把伺候人视为下品。菲利普不由得有点儿沉不住气了,但是他还是责怪自己,因为米尔德丽德显然是身子疲乏不舒服。他站了起来,走过去帮她在桌子的另一边也摊上块台布。这时,那孩子醒了。米尔德丽德预先已经给她准备下梅林罐头食品了。猪肝和香肠做好后,他们便坐下来吃饭。为了节约起见,菲利普把酒给戒了,只是喝点儿开水。不过,他家里还存有半瓶威士忌酒。于是他想喝上一点儿兴许对米尔德丽德会有好处。他尽力使这顿晚餐吃得愉快些,但是米尔德丽德却神情阴郁,显得精疲力竭的样子。一吃完晚饭,她便站起来,把孩子送回床上。

"我想你早些上床休息对你的身体会有好处的,"菲利普说,"你瞧上去累极了。"

"我想洗好碗碟后就去睡觉。"

菲利普点燃了烟斗,开始埋头看书。听到隔壁房间有人走动的声响是愉快的。因为有的时候,孤独感压得他喘不过气来。米尔德丽德走进来打扫桌子。耳边不时传来她洗涤时发出的碗碟磕碰声。菲利普暗自思忖着,竟穿着黑色绸衣裙打扫桌子,收拾碗碟,这正是她与众不同的个性特点,他想着想着不觉莞尔一笑。但是,他还得用功呢,于是捧着书走到桌子跟前。他正在研读奥斯勒的《内科学》。这本书深受学生欢迎,从而取代了使用多年的泰勒撰写的教科书。不一会儿,米尔德丽德走了进来,边走边放下卷起的袖子。菲利普漫不经心地瞥了她一眼,但没有移动。这个场面怪离奇的。菲利普感到有些儿尴尬,生怕米尔德丽德会认为他会出她的洋相,然而除了用满足性欲的办法之外,他又不知用什么办法去安抚她。

"喂,明天上午九时我有课,因此我得八点一刻就吃早饭。你来得及做吗?"

"哦,来得及的。怎么会来不及呢?我在国会大街时,每天早晨我都得赶到赫尔内山去乘八点十二分的车。"

"我希望你会发觉你的房间很舒服。今晚睡个长觉,明天你一定会大变样。"

"我想你看书看得很晚,是不?"

"我一般要到十一点,或十一点半左右。"

"那祝你晚安。"

"晚安。"

他们中间就隔着张桌子,但菲利普并没有主动伸出手去。米尔德丽德轻轻地把房门闭上了。菲利普听到她在卧室里走动的声响。不一会儿,耳边传来了米尔德丽德上床就寝时那张床发出的吱吱嘎嘎声。



wj宝宝

ZxID:11619415


等级: 内阁元老
青春又回来了嘛(*^▽^*)
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chapter 90

When he left the Athelnys’ Philip walked down Chancery Lane and along the Strand to get a ‘bus at the top of Parliament Street. One Sunday, when he had known them about six weeks, he did this as usual, but he found the Kennington ‘bus full. It was June, but it had rained during the day and the night was raw and cold. He walked up to Piccadilly Circus in order to get a seat; the ‘bus waited at the fountain, and when it arrived there seldom had more than two or three people in it. This service ran every quarter of an hour, and he had some time to wait. He looked idly at the crowd. The public-houses were closing, and there were many people about. His mind was busy with the ideas Athelny had the charming gift of suggesting.

Suddenly his heart stood still. He saw Mildred. He had not thought of her for weeks. She was crossing over from the corner of Shaftesbury Avenue and stopped at the shelter till a string of cabs passed by. She was watching her opportunity and had no eyes for anything else. She wore a large black straw hat with a mass of feathers on it and a black silk dress; at that time it was fashionable for women to wear trains; the road was clear, and Mildred crossed, her skirt trailing on the ground, and walked down Piccadilly. Philip, his heart beating excitedly, followed her. He did not wish to speak to her, but he wondered where she was going at that hour; he wanted to get a look at her face. She walked slowly along and turned down Air Street and so got through into Regent Street. She walked up again towards the Circus. Philip was puzzled. He could not make out what she was doing. Perhaps she was waiting for somebody, and he felt a great curiosity to know who it was. She overtook a short man in a bowler hat, who was strolling very slowly in the same direction as herself; she gave him a sidelong glance as she passed. She walked a few steps more till she came to Swan and Edgar’s, then stopped and waited, facing the road. When the man came up she smiled. The man stared at her for a moment, turned away his head, and sauntered on. Then Philip understood.

He was overwhelmed with horror. For a moment he felt such a weakness in his legs that he could hardly stand; then he walked after her quickly; he touched her on the arm.

‘Mildred.’

She turned round with a violent start. He thought that she reddened, but in the obscurity he could not see very well. For a while they stood and looked at one another without speaking. At last she said:

‘Fancy seeing you!’

He did not know what to answer; he was horribly shaken; and the phrases that chased one another through his brain seemed incredibly melodramatic.

‘It’s awful,’ he gasped, almost to himself.

She did not say anything more, she turned away from him, and looked down at the pavement. He felt that his face was distorted with misery.

‘Isn’t there anywhere we can go and talk?’

‘I don’t want to talk,’ she said sullenly. ‘Leave me alone, can’t you?’

The thought struck him that perhaps she was in urgent need of money and could not afford to go away at that hour.

‘I’ve got a couple of sovereigns on me if you’re hard up,’ he blurted out.

‘I don’t know what you mean. I was just walking along here on my way back to my lodgings. I expected to meet one of the girls from where I work.’

‘For God’s sake don’t lie now,’ he said.

Then he saw that she was crying, and he repeated his question.

‘Can’t we go and talk somewhere? Can’t I come back to your rooms?’

‘No, you can’t do that,’ she sobbed. ‘I’m not allowed to take gentlemen in there. If you like I’ll met you tomorrow.’

He felt certain that she would not keep an appointment. He was not going to let her go.

‘No. You must take me somewhere now.’

‘Well, there is a room I know, but they’ll charge six shillings for it.’

‘I don’t mind that. Where is it?’

She gave him the address, and he called a cab. They drove to a shabby street beyond the British Museum in the neighbourhood of the Gray’s Inn Road, and she stopped the cab at the corner.

‘They don’t like you to drive up to the door,’ she said.

They were the first words either of them had spoken since getting into the cab. They walked a few yards and Mildred knocked three times, sharply, at a door. Philip noticed in the fanlight a cardboard on which was an announcement that apartments were to let. The door was opened quietly, and an elderly, tall woman let them in. She gave Philip a stare and then spoke to Mildred in an undertone. Mildred led Philip along a passage to a room at the back. It was quite dark; she asked him for a match, and lit the gas; there was no globe, and the gas flared shrilly. Philip saw that he was in a dingy little bed-room with a suite of furniture, painted to look like pine much too large for it; the lace curtains were very dirty; the grate was hidden by a large paper fan. Mildred sank on the chair which stood by the side of the chimney-piece. Philip sat on the edge of the bed. He felt ashamed. He saw now that Mildred’s cheeks were thick with rouge, her eyebrows were blackened; but she looked thin and ill, and the red on her cheeks exaggerated the greenish pallor of her skin. She stared at the paper fan in a listless fashion. Philip could not think what to say, and he had a choking in his throat as if he were going to cry. He covered his eyes with his hands.

‘My God, it is awful,’ he groaned.

‘I don’t know what you’ve got to fuss about. I should have thought you’d have been rather pleased.’

Philip did not answer, and in a moment she broke into a sob.

‘You don’t think I do it because I like it, do you?’

‘Oh, my dear,’ he cried. ‘I’m so sorry, I’m so awfully sorry.’

‘That’ll do me a fat lot of good.’

Again Philip found nothing to say. He was desperately afraid of saying anything which she might take for a reproach or a sneer.

‘Where’s the baby?’ he asked at last.

‘I’ve got her with me in London. I hadn’t got the money to keep her on at Brighton, so I had to take her. I’ve got a room up Highbury way. I told them I was on the stage. It’s a long way to have to come down to the West End every day, but it’s a rare job to find anyone who’ll let to ladies at all.’

‘Wouldn’t they take you back at the shop?’

‘I couldn’t get any work to do anywhere. I walked my legs off looking for work. I did get a job once, but I was off for a week because I was queer, and when I went back they said they didn’t want me any more. You can’t blame them either, can you? Them places, they can’t afford to have girls that aren’t strong.’

‘You don’t look very well now,’ said Philip.

‘I wasn’t fit to come out tonight, but I couldn’t help myself, I wanted the money. I wrote to Emil and told him I was broke, but he never even answered the letter.’

‘You might have written to me.’

‘I didn’t like to, not after what happened, and I didn’t want you to know I was in difficulties. I shouldn’t have been surprised if you’d just told me I’d only got what I deserved.’

‘You don’t know me very well, do you, even now?’

For a moment he remembered all the anguish he had suffered on her account, and he was sick with the recollection of his pain. But it was no more than recollection. When he looked at her he knew that he no longer loved her. He was very sorry for her, but he was glad to be free. Watching her gravely, he asked himself why he had been so besotted with passion for her.

‘You’re a gentleman in every sense of the word,’ she said. ‘You’re the only one I’ve ever met.’ She paused for a minute and then flushed. ‘I hate asking you, Philip, but can you spare me anything?’

‘It’s lucky I’ve got some money on me. I’m afraid I’ve only got two pounds.’

He gave her the sovereigns.

‘I’ll pay you back, Philip.’

‘Oh, that’s all right,’ he smiled. ‘You needn’t worry.’

He had said nothing that he wanted to say. They had talked as if the whole thing were natural; and it looked as though she would go now, back to the horror of her life, and he would be able to do nothing to prevent it. She had got up to take the money, and they were both standing.

‘Am I keeping you?’ she asked. ‘I suppose you want to be getting home.’

‘No, I’m in no hurry,’ he answered.

‘I’m glad to have a chance of sitting down.’

Those words, with all they implied, tore his heart, and it was dreadfully painful to see the weary way in which she sank back into the chair. The silence lasted so long that Philip in his embarrassment lit a cigarette.

‘It’s very good of you not to have said anything disagreeable to me, Philip. I thought you might say I didn’t know what all.’

He saw that she was crying again. He remembered how she had come to him when Emil Miller had deserted her and how she had wept. The recollection of her suffering and of his own humiliation seemed to render more overwhelming the compassion he felt now.

‘If I could only get out of it!’ she moaned. ‘I hate it so. I’m unfit for the life, I’m not the sort of girl for that. I’d do anything to get away from it, I’d be a servant if I could. Oh, I wish I was dead.’

And in pity for herself she broke down now completely. She sobbed hysterically, and her thin body was shaken.

‘Oh, you don’t know what it is. Nobody knows till they’ve done it.’

Philip could not bear to see her cry. He was tortured by the horror of her position.

‘Poor child,’ he whispered. ‘Poor child.’

He was deeply moved. Suddenly he had an inspiration. It filled him with a perfect ecstasy of happiness.

‘Look here, if you want to get away from it, I’ve got an idea. I’m frightfully hard up just now, I’ve got to be as economical as I can; but I’ve got a sort of little flat now in Kennington and I’ve got a spare room. If you like you and the baby can come and live there. I pay a woman three and sixpence a week to keep the place clean and to do a little cooking for me. You could do that and your food wouldn’t come to much more than the money I should save on her. It doesn’t cost any more to feed two than one, and I don’t suppose the baby eats much.’

She stopped crying and looked at him.

‘D’you mean to say that you could take me back after all that’s happened?’

Philip flushed a little in embarrassment at what he had to say.

‘I don’t want you to mistake me. I’m just giving you a room which doesn’t cost me anything and your food. I don’t expect anything more from you than that you should do exactly the same as the woman I have in does. Except for that I don’t want anything from you at all. I daresay you can cook well enough for that.’

She sprang to her feet and was about to come towards him.

‘You are good to me, Philip.’

‘No, please stop where you are,’ he said hurriedly, putting out his hand as though to push her away.

He did not know why it was, but he could not bear the thought that she should touch him.

‘I don’t want to be anything more than a friend to you.’

‘You are good to me,’ she repeated. ‘You are good to me.’

‘Does that mean you’ll come?’

‘Oh, yes, I’d do anything to get away from this. You’ll never regret what you’ve done, Philip, never. When can I come, Philip?’

‘You’d better come tomorrow.’

Suddenly she burst into tears again.

‘What on earth are you crying for now?’ he smiled.

‘I’m so grateful to you. I don’t know how I can ever make it up to you?’

‘Oh, that’s all right. You’d better go home now.’

He wrote out the address and told her that if she came at half past five he would be ready for her. It was so late that he had to walk home, but it did not seem a long way, for he was intoxicated with delight; he seemed to walk on air.



第九十章

菲利普从阿特尔涅家告辞出来,穿过昌策里巷,沿着河滨马路走到国会大街的尽头去搭乘公共汽车。同阿特尔涅一家结识六个星期之后的一个星期天,菲利普同往常一样赶着去乘公共汽车,到站后发觉开往肯宁顿的汽车已客满了。此时虽说还是六月,但白天下了整整一大的雨,夜间的空气变得既潮湿又阴冷。为了能坐上位子,他便步行来到皮卡迪利广场。公共汽车停靠在喷泉附近,汽车到达这儿时,车上的乘客很少超过两三位的。汽车每隔一刻钟开一班,因此他还得等些时候才能乘上汽车。他目光懒散地瞅着广场上的人群。酒吧间都打烊了,周围却还有不少人在走动。菲利普的脑海里正翻腾着在阿特尔涅富有魔力的天才的启迪下萌生出来的各种各样的念头。

蓦然间,菲利普的心咯噔一下--他看到了米尔德丽德。他已有好几个星期没去想她了。她正要从沙夫兹伯雷林荫道的拐角处横穿马路,见一队马车驶过来,便站在候车亭里等着。她一心想寻找机会穿过马路,对其他事情一概无暇顾及,米尔德丽德头戴一顶硕大的黑草帽,上面饰有一簇羽毛,身上穿了件黑绸衣。那个时候,女人时兴穿拖裙。见道路畅通了,米尔德丽德随即穿过马路,朝皮卡迪利大街的方向走去,衣裙在身后地上拖着。菲利普怀着一颗狂跳不止的心,默然地尾随着她。他并不希冀同米尔德丽德说话,只是心中有些纳闷,这么晚了,她还上哪儿去呢?他想看一看她的脸。米尔德丽德步履蹒跚地往前走去,随即拐入埃尔街,又穿过里根特大街,最后又朝着皮卡迪利广场的方向走去。菲利普被搞懵了,猜不透她葫芦里卖的是什么药。兴许她是在等人吧。蓦地,菲利普产生一种极大的好奇心,想弄清楚她究竟在等谁。米尔德丽德匆匆追赶前面一位头戴圆顶硬礼帽的矮个子男人,此人正漫不经心地朝前走去,米尔德丽德乜斜着眼睛,打他身旁擦肩而过。她朝前走去,最后在斯旺一埃德加商店大楼前戛然收住脚步,面向大路位候着。当那矮个子男人走近时,米尔德丽德启齿一笑。那男人瞪着双眼望了她一会,然后掉过头去,继续朝前晃悠而去。此时,菲利普一切都明白了。

菲利普的心被一种恐惧感紧紧地攫住了。有好一阵子,他只觉得双腿软弱无力,连站都站不住。过了一会儿,他连忙追上米尔德丽德,触了触她的臂膀。

"米尔德丽德!"

她蓦然惊恐地转过身来。他想米尔德丽德的脸红了,不过他站在暗处看不分明。半晌,他们俩相对无言地站立着。最后还是米尔德丽德打破了沉默。

"想不到在这儿见到你!"

菲利普一时不知说什么是好,浑身震颤不已。他思绪万千,心潮起伏,情难自禁。

"真可怕,"他气喘吁吁地说,声音之低,像是说给自己听似的。

米尔德丽德再也没有吭声,转过身子背朝着菲利普,眼睛朝下望着地面。菲利普感到自己的脸因痛苦而扭曲着。

"有没有说话的地方?"

"我不想跟你说什么,"米尔德丽德脸色冷冷地说。"别缠我了,好吗?"

菲利普陡然想起说不定她眼下急需用钱,一时不得脱身。

"你实在没钱用,我身上倒还有两三个硬币,"菲利普脱口而出。

"我不懂你的意思。我这是回住处的路上碰巧路过这儿。我想等一位跟我在一起干活的女友。"

"我的天哪,你就别说谎了吧,"菲利普喟然叹道。

蓦地,他发觉米尔德丽德在嘤嘤抽泣,于是又问道:

"我们能不能找个地方说个话儿?我能不能上你那儿去呢?"

"使不得,万万使不得,"她呜咽地说。"他们不许我把男人带到那儿去。如果你愿意的话,我明天去找你。"

菲利普肚里雪亮,米尔德丽德是决不会践约的。这一回他决不轻易放她走了。

"不能捱到明天,我要你现在就带我去找个地方说话。"

"嗯,好,地方倒是有一个的,不过要付六先令。"

"我付给六先令就是了,在哪?"

米尔德丽德把地址告诉了菲利普,菲利普随即叫了一辆马车。马车驶过不列颠博物馆,来到格雷旅馆路附近的一条穷街陋巷。米尔德丽德叫车夫把马车停在街道的拐角处。

"他们可不喜欢把马车一直赶到门口,"米尔德丽德嘟哝了一句。

这还是打他们俩坐上马车以来的第一句话。他们下了马车朝前走了几码,接着米尔德丽德对着一扇大门重重地连击三下。菲利普注意到扇形窗上有块硬纸板告示,上面写着"房间出租"的字样。大门悄然无声地开了,从里面走出一位上了年纪的高个子妇人。她瞪了菲利普一眼,随后压低了声音同米尔德丽德叽咕了几句。米尔德丽德领着菲利普穿过过道,来到房子后部的一个房间。里面黑洞洞的。米尔德丽德向菲利普讨了根火柴,点亮了一盏煤气灯,因没有灯罩,火舌直发出刺耳的咝咝声。菲利普这才看清自己此时站在一个又脏又小的卧室里,里面摆着一套漆成松树一般颜色的家具,对这个房问来说,它们显得太大了。花边窗帘很龌龊,窗格栅蒙着一把大纸扇。米尔德丽德一屁股瘫进壁炉边的一张安乐椅里,菲利普则坐在床沿上。他感到害臊。他这才看清米尔德丽德的双颊涂抹着厚厚的胭脂,眉毛描得漆黑,可她形容憔悴,一副病恹恹的样子,面颊上红红的胭脂使得她白里泛绿的肤色分外触目。米尔德丽德心神不宁地凝视着那面纸扇,而菲利普也想不出说些什么,直觉得语塞喉管,像是要哭出来似的,他连忙用手蒙住自己的双眼。

"我的上帝,这事真可怕,"菲利普哀戚地叹道。

"我真弄不懂你大惊小怪些什么呀,我本以为你心里一定很高兴。"

菲利普没有回话,转眼间她一下子呜咽起来。

"你总不会认为我这么做是因为我喜欢吧?"

"喔,我亲爱的,"菲利普不由得嚷了起来,"我非常难过,简直难过极了。"

"这对我屁的用处都没有!"

菲利普再一次感到无言以对,生怕自己一开口,她会误解为他这是在责备或者嘲笑她。

"孩子呢?"菲利普最后问了一句。

"我把她带到伦敦来了。我手头没钱,不能让她继续呆在布赖顿,只得我自个儿带了。我在去海伯里的路上租了个房间,告诉他们说我是一个演员。每天都得从那儿走到伦敦西端。伦敦的活是少有人让太太们干的呀。"

"先前的店主们不愿意你再回去吗?"

"哪里也找不到工作。为了找工作,我的两条腿都跑断了。有一次我的确找到了工作,但是我因生病离开了一个星期,待我回去上班时,他们就不要我了。你也不能责怪他们,对不?那是他们的地方嘛,他们可用不起身体不健壮的姑娘啊。"

"现在你的气色很不好,"菲利普说。

"今晚我本不宜出门的,但是有啥办法呢,我得用钱哪。我曾经给埃米尔写过信,告诉他我身边一个子儿也没有,但是他连一封回信都不给我。"

"你完全可以写信给我嘛。"

"我不想写信给你,倒不是因为以前发生的事情,而是因为我不想让你知道我陷入了困境。如果你说我这是罪有应得,我也决不会感到奇怪的。"

"即使到了今天,你还是很不了解我,不是吗?"

有一会儿,菲利普回忆起他正是因为米尔德丽德的缘故才遭受的极度痛苦,对此,他深深感到发腻。但往事毕竟是往事,都已成了过眼烟云。当他望着眼前的米尔德丽德,他知道他再也不爱她了。他很为她感到难过,但又为自己摆脱了与她的一切纠葛而感到庆幸。菲利普神情忧郁地凝望着米尔德丽德,不禁暗暗地问自己当初怎么会沉湎于对她的一片痴情之中的。

"你是个地地道道的正人君子,"米尔德丽德开口说,"你是我平生见到的唯一的君子。"她停顿了片刻,接着红着脸儿说:"菲利普,我实在不想启口,不过请问你能否给我几个钱呢?"

"我身上碰巧还带了点钱,恐怕总共不过两镑吧。"

菲利普说罢把钱全掏给了她。

"我以后会还你的,菲利普。"

"哎,这没什么,"菲利普脸带微笑地说,"你就不必操这份心啦。"

菲利普并没有说出他想说的话,他们俩你一言我一语地交谈着,仿佛事情本来就该如此似的,就好像她此刻将重新过她那种可怕的生活,而他却不能做出什么来阻止她似的。米尔德丽德从安乐椅里站起身来接钱,此时他们俩都站立着。

"我送你走一程好吗?"米尔德丽德问道,"我想你要回去了。"

"不,我不着急,"菲利普答道。

"能有机会坐下歇息,我很高兴。"

这句话以及这句话包含的全部意思撕裂着菲利普的心。看到她疲惫不堪地瘫入安乐椅的样儿,菲利普感到痛心疾首。良久,房间里一片沉寂,窘迫中,菲利普点燃了一支香烟。

"菲利普,你太好了,连一句不中听的话都没说。我原以为你会说我不知羞耻呢。"

菲利普看到米尔德丽德又哭了。当初埃米尔·米勒抛弃她时她跑到自己的面前痛哭流涕的情景,此刻又浮现在他眼前。一想起她那多舛的命途以及他自己所蒙受的羞辱,他对她怀有的恻隐之心似乎变得愈发强烈。

"要是我能摆脱这种困境多好!"米尔德丽德呻吟地说。"我恨透了。我是不宜过这种日子的,我可不是过这种日子的姑娘啊。只要能跳出这个火坑,我干什么都心甘情愿。就是去当用人,我也愿意。喔,但愿我现在就死。"

她作了这番自怨自怜之后,精神彻底垮了。她歇斯底里地呜咽着,瘦小的身体在不住地颤抖。

"喔,你不知道这种日子是啥滋味儿,不亲身体验是决不会知道它的苦处的。"

菲利普实在不忍心看着她哭,看到她处于这么可怕的境地,他的心都碎了。

"可怜的孩子,"他喃喃地说,"可怜的孩子。"

他深感震撼。突然间,他脑际闪过一个念头,这个念头在他心里激起了一阵狂喜,简直到了心醉神迷的地步。

"听我说呀,如果你想摆脱这个困境,我倒有个主意。眼下我手头拮据,处境十分艰难,我得尽量节省。不过,我还是在肯宁顿大街上租赁了一套房间,里面有一间空着没人住。愿意的话,你可以带着孩子上我那儿去住。我每周出三先令六便士雇了个妇人,为我打扫房间和烧饭。这两件事儿,你也能做,你的饭钱也不会比我付给那位妇人的工钱多多少。再说,两个人吃饭的开销也不会比一个人多。至于你那孩子,我想她吃不了多少东西的。"

米尔德丽德倏地停止了抽泣,目不转睛地望着菲利普。

"你的意思是说,尽管发生了这么多事情,你还能让我回到你的身边去吗?"

菲利普想到他要说的话儿,脸上不觉显出尴尬的神情。

"我不想叫你误解我的意思。我只是为你提供一个我并不要额外多出一个子儿的房间和供你吃饭。我只指望你做我雇佣的那位妇人所做的事情,除此之外,我别无他求。我想你也肯定能够烧好饭菜的。"

米尔德丽德从安乐椅里一跃而起,正要朝他跟前走来。

"你待我真好,菲利普。"

"别过来,就请你站在那儿吧,"菲利普连忙说,还匆匆伸出手来,像是要把她推开似的。

他不明白自己为什么要这么做,但是他不能容忍米尔德丽德来碰他。

"我只想成为你的一个朋友,除此以外,我没有任何其他念头。"

"你待我真好,"米尔德丽德絮絮叨叨地说,"你待我真好!"

"这么说你会到我那儿去罗?"

"哦,是的,只要能摆脱这个困境,我干啥都愿意。你是决不会懊悔你所做的事情的,菲利普,决不会的。菲利普,什么时候我可以上你那儿去?"

"最好明天就来。"

米尔德丽德又突然哭起来了。

"你这哭什么呀?"菲利普笑吟吟地问道。

"我真是感激不尽。我不知道我这辈子还能不能报答你?"

"喔,别放在心上。现在你还是回去歇着吧。"

菲利普把地址写给了她,并对她说如果她次晨五点半到的话,他会把一切都安排得顺顺当当的。夜很深了,没有车子可乘,只得步行回去。不过,本来很长的路,现在也不觉长了,他完全为兴奋的心情所陶醉,只觉得脚底生风,有点儿飘然欲仙的味道。



wj宝宝

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等级: 内阁元老
青春又回来了嘛(*^▽^*)
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chapter 89

The conversation between Philip and Athelny was broken into by a clatter up the stairs. Athelny opened the door for the children coming back from Sunday school, and with laughter and shouting they came in. Gaily he asked them what they had learned. Sally appeared for a moment, with instructions from her mother that father was to amuse the children while she got tea ready; and Athelny began to tell them one of Hans Andersen’s stories. They were not shy children, and they quickly came to the conclusion that Philip was not formidable. Jane came and stood by him and presently settled herself on his knees. It was the first time that Philip in his lonely life had been present in a family circle: his eyes smiled as they rested on the fair children engrossed in the fairy tale. The life of his new friend, eccentric as it appeared at first glance, seemed now to have the beauty of perfect naturalness. Sally came in once more.

‘Now then, children, tea’s ready,’ she said.

Jane slipped off Philip’s knees, and they all went back to the kitchen. Sally began to lay the cloth on the long Spanish table.

‘Mother says, shall she come and have tea with you?’ she asked. ‘I can give the children their tea.’

‘Tell your mother that we shall be proud and honoured if she will favour us with her company,’ said Athelny.

It seemed to Philip that he could never say anything without an oratorical flourish.

‘Then I’ll lay for her,’ said Sally.

She came back again in a moment with a tray on which were a cottage loaf, a slab of butter, and a jar of strawberry jam. While she placed the things on the table her father chaffed her. He said it was quite time she was walking out; he told Philip that she was very proud, and would have nothing to do with aspirants to that honour who lined up at the door, two by two, outside the Sunday school and craved the honour of escorting her home.

‘You do talk, father,’ said Sally, with her slow, good-natured smile.

‘You wouldn’t think to look at her that a tailor’s assistant has enlisted in the army because she would not say how d’you do to him and an electrical engineer, an electrical engineer, mind you, has taken to drink because she refused to share her hymn-book with him in church. I shudder to think what will happen when she puts her hair up.’

‘Mother’ll bring the tea along herself,’ said Sally.

‘Sally never pays any attention to me,’ laughed Athelny, looking at her with fond, proud eyes. ‘She goes about her business indifferent to wars, revolutions, and cataclysms. What a wife she’ll make to an honest man!’

Mrs. Athelny brought in the tea. She sat down and proceeded to cut bread and butter. It amused Philip to see that she treated her husband as though he were a child. She spread jam for him and cut up the bread and butter into convenient slices for him to eat. She had taken off her hat; and in her Sunday dress, which seemed a little tight for her, she looked like one of the farmers’ wives whom Philip used to call on sometimes with his uncle when he was a small boy. Then he knew why the sound of her voice was familiar to him. She spoke just like the people round Blackstable.

‘What part of the country d’you come from?’ he asked her.

‘I’m a Kentish woman. I come from Ferne.’

‘I thought as much. My uncle’s Vicar of Blackstable.’

‘That’s a funny thing now,’ she said. ‘I was wondering in Church just now whether you was any connection of Mr. Carey. Many’s the time I’ve seen ‘im. A cousin of mine married Mr. Barker of Roxley Farm, over by Blackstable Church, and I used to go and stay there often when I was a girl. Isn’t that a funny thing now?’

She looked at him with a new interest, and a brightness came into her faded eyes. She asked him whether he knew Ferne. It was a pretty village about ten miles across country from Blackstable, and the Vicar had come over sometimes to Blackstable for the harvest thanksgiving. She mentioned names of various farmers in the neighbourhood. She was delighted to talk again of the country in which her youth was spent, and it was a pleasure to her to recall scenes and people that had remained in her memory with the tenacity peculiar to her class. It gave Philip a queer sensation too. A breath of the country-side seemed to be wafted into that panelled room in the middle of London. He seemed to see the fat Kentish fields with their stately elms; and his nostrils dilated with the scent of the air; it is laden with the salt of the North Sea, and that makes it keen and sharp.

Philip did not leave the Athelnys’ till ten o’clock. The children came in to say good-night at eight and quite naturally put up their faces for Philip to kiss. His heart went out to them. Sally only held out her hand.

‘Sally never kisses gentlemen till she’s seen them twice,’ said her father.

‘You must ask me again then,’ said Philip.

‘You mustn’t take any notice of what father says,’ remarked Sally, with a smile.

‘She’s a most self-possessed young woman,’ added her parent.

They had supper of bread and cheese and beer, while Mrs. Athelny was putting the children to bed; and when Philip went into the kitchen to bid her good-night (she had been sitting there, resting herself and reading The Weekly Despatch) she invited him cordially to come again.

‘There’s always a good dinner on Sundays so long as Athelny’s in work,’ she said, ‘and it’s a charity to come and talk to him.’

On the following Saturday Philip received a postcard from Athelny saying that they were expecting him to dinner next day; but fearing their means were not such that Mr. Athelny would desire him to accept, Philip wrote back that he would only come to tea. He bought a large plum cake so that his entertainment should cost nothing. He found the whole family glad to see him, and the cake completed his conquest of the children. He insisted that they should all have tea together in the kitchen, and the meal was noisy and hilarious.

Soon Philip got into the habit of going to Athelny’s every Sunday. He became a great favourite with the children, because he was simple and unaffected and because it was so plain that he was fond of them. As soon as they heard his ring at the door one of them popped a head out of window to make sure it was he, and then they all rushed downstairs tumultuously to let him in. They flung themselves into his arms. At tea they fought for the privilege of sitting next to him. Soon they began to call him Uncle Philip.

Athelny was very communicative, and little by little Philip learned the various stages of his life. He had followed many occupations, and it occurred to Philip that he managed to make a mess of everything he attempted. He had been on a tea plantation in Ceylon and a traveller in America for Italian wines; his secretaryship of the water company in Toledo had lasted longer than any of his employments; he had been a journalist and for some time had worked as police-court reporter for an evening paper; he had been sub-editor of a paper in the Midlands and editor of another on the Riviera. From all his occupations he had gathered amusing anecdotes, which he told with a keen pleasure in his own powers of entertainment. He had read a great deal, chiefly delighting in books which were unusual; and he poured forth his stores of abstruse knowledge with child-like enjoyment of the amazement of his hearers. Three or four years before abject poverty had driven him to take the job of press-representative to a large firm of drapers; and though he felt the work unworthy his abilities, which he rated highly, the firmness of his wife and the needs of his family had made him stick to it.



第八十九章

菲利普同阿特尔涅的谈话为一阵上楼梯的咯噔咯噔的脚步声打断了。阿特尔涅跑去为从主日学校归来的孩子们开门,孩子们笑着嚷着蜂拥而入。阿特尔涅笑逐颜开地询间他们在主日学校里的情况。莎莉只呆了一会就走了,因为她母亲吩咐她趁她父亲同孩子们逗着玩的时候去准备茶点。阿特尔涅开始给孩子们讲一则汉斯·安徒生的童话故事。这些孩子一点也不怯生,他们很快就得出结论:菲利普并不可怕。珍妮走过来,站在菲利普的身旁,不一会儿,竟爬到菲利普的身上,舒舒服服地坐在他的大腿上。对过着孤单的光棍汉生活的菲利普来说,这还是第一次置身于洋溢着天伦之乐的小家庭之中。当日光落在那些全神贯注地谛听着童话故事的孩子们身上时,他那双眼睛不由自主地眯眯笑了起来。他这位新结识的朋友的生活,乍看起来似乎有些古怪,眼下却显得十分自然,尽善尽美。莎莉又回到了房间。

"嘿,孩子们,茶点准备好了,"莎莉喊道。

珍妮从菲利普的腿上溜了下来,跟着其他孩子一道跑向厨房。莎莉这才开始在那张长长的西班牙餐桌上铺台布。

"妈妈说,她是不是也来这儿同你们一块用茶点?"莎莉问道。"我可以去招呼孩子们吃茶点。"

"请禀告你母,若蒙她光临作伴,我两人将不胜荣幸骄傲之至,"阿特尔涅戏谑地说。

在菲利普看来,阿特尔涅不说话则已,一张嘴说话总是离不开演说家的华丽的词藻。

"那好,我也给妈妈铺块台布,"莎莉应声说。

不一会,莎莉又回来了,手里托着浅盘,盘子里放着一只面包、一块厚厚的黄油和一罐草莓果酱。在她把这些东西一一摆在桌子上的当儿,她父亲同她打趣逗乐。他说莎莉该出去见见世面了。他告诉菲利普,说成双成对的追求者排着队候在主日学校门口等她,一个个争先恐后地要伴送她回家,可她却矜夸傲慢,连睬也不睬他们。

"爸爸,你就别说了,"莎莉嗔怪地说,脸上现出她那冷漠但不无好意的微笑。

"一个裁缝店的伙计就因为莎莉不肯同他打招呼,一气之下去当了兵。还有一位工程师,请注意,这回是个工程师,只为了莎莉不愿在教堂同他合用一本赞美诗集这件事,就开始酗酒。你知道了这一切之后,恐怕连想看她一眼都不敢想喽。我真担心,她束发以后还不知会怎么样呢?"

"妈妈自己送茶来,"莎莉淡淡地说了一句。

"莎莉从来不听我的话,"阿特尔涅哈哈大笑,用慈爱的、骄傲的目光望着莎莉。"她整天只知道干她的事,什么战争啦,革命啦,动乱啦,她都一慨不闻不问。对一个诚实的男人来说,她将会是个多么贤惠的妻子哟!"

阿特尔涅太太端茶进来。她一坐下来便动手切面包和黄油。看到她把丈夫当小孩子似的伺候,菲利普感到挺有趣的。她给阿特尔涅涂果酱,把面包和黄油切成一片片的,好让他不费事就送进嘴里。她取下了帽子。她身上穿的节日服装似乎紧了点,样子就像他小时候有时跟大伯去拜访的那位农夫的妻子。直到此时,他才明白她的声音听上去为什么这么熟悉的原因。她的口音同布莱克斯泰勃一带居民的口音非常相近。

"您是哪里人?"菲利普问阿特尔涅太太说。

"我是肯特郡人,老家在费尔恩。"

"我想大概是这样。我大伯是布莱克斯泰勃教区的牧师。"

"说来真有趣,"阿特尔涅太太说。"我刚才在教堂还在想您同凯里先生是否是亲戚来着。我见过凯里先生多次啦。我的一位表妹就是嫁给布莱克斯泰勃教堂那边的罗克斯利农场的巴克先生的。我做姑娘时常到那儿去住上几天。你们说这事有趣不有趣呀?"

阿特尔涅太太说罢又饶有兴趣地把菲利普打量了一番,此时她那对黯然失色的眸于又放出了光亮。她问菲利普知道不知道费尔恩这块地方。费尔恩离布莱克斯泰勃只有十英里,是个美丽的村庄,菲利普的牧师大伯有时候在收割季节也到那儿去作感恩祈祷。阿特尔涅太太还报出了村庄附近的几位农夫的姓名。她为能再一次谈论她少女时代度过的乡村而感到高兴,对她来说,回想一下凭她这种阶层的女人所特有的记忆力而刻在脑海的往昔的情景和熟悉的人们,确是人生一大快事。这也使得菲利普内心生出一种莫名其妙的情感。一缕乡村气息似乎消融、荡漾在这间位于伦敦中心的门墙镶有嵌板的房间里了。菲利普仿佛看到了高耸着亭亭若盖的榆树的肯特沃土,嗅到了馥郁芬芳的气味,气味中充斥着北海海风的咸味,因此变得更加刺鼻、浓烈。

钟敲十点,菲利普才起身告辞。八点钟时,孩子们进来同他告别,一个个无拘无束地仰起小脸蛋让菲利普亲吻。他对这些孩子满怀怜爱之情。丽莎莉只是向他伸过一只手来。

"莎莉是从来不吻只见过一面的先生的,"她的父亲打趣说。

"那你得再请我来啊,"菲利普接着说了一句。

"你不要理睬我爸爸说的话就是了,"莎莉笑吟吟地说。

"她是个最有自制力的妙龄女郎,"她父亲又补了一句。

在阿特尔涅大大张罗孩子们睡觉的当儿,菲利普和阿特尔涅两人吃了顿有面包、奶酪和啤酒的夜餐。当菲利普走进厨房同阿特尔涅太太告别时(她一直坐在厨房里休息,并看着《每周快讯》),阿特尔涅太太亲切地邀请他以后再来。

"只要阿特尔涅不失业,星期天总是有一顿丰盛的饭菜的,"阿特尔涅太太对菲利普说,"你能来伴他说个话儿是最好不过的。"

在随后一周的星期六,菲利普接到阿特尔涅的一张明信片,信上说他全家引颈盼望菲利普于星期日与他们共进午餐。但是菲利普担心阿特尔涅家的经济状况并不如他说的那么好,于是便写了封回信,说他只来用茶点。菲利普去时,买了一块大葡萄干蛋糕带着,为的是不让自己空着手去接受别人的款待。他到时发觉阿特尔涅全家见到他都非常高兴。而他带去的那块蛋糕彻底地赢得了孩子们对他的好感。菲利普随大家一道在厨房里用茶点,席间欢声笑语不绝。

不久,菲利普养成了每个星期日都上阿特尔涅家的习惯。他深得阿特尔涅的儿女们的爱戴,这是因为他心地纯真,从来不生气的缘故。还有一个最简单不过的理由是他也喜欢他们。每当菲利普来按响门铃的时候,一个孩子便从窗户探出小脑袋,要是吃准是菲利普到了的话,孩子们便一窝蜂地冲下楼来开门迎他,接着一个个投入菲利普的怀抱。用茶点的时候,他们你争我夺地抢着坐在菲利普的身边。没过多久,他们便称呼他菲利普叔叔了。

阿特尔涅谈锋甚健,因此菲利普渐渐了解到阿特尔涅在不同时期的生活情况。阿特尔涅一生中于过不少行当,但在菲利普的印象中,阿特尔涅每千一项工作,总是设法把工作弄得一团糟。他曾在锡兰的一个茶场里做过事,还在美国当过兜售意大利酒的旅行推销员。他在托莱多水利公司任秘书一职比他干任何别的差使都长。他当过记者,一度还是一家晚报的违警罪法庭新闻记者。他还当过英国中部地区一家报纸的副编辑以及里维埃拉的另一家报纸的编辑。阿特尔涅从他干过的种种职业里搜集到不少趣闻,他什么时候想娱乐一番,就兴趣盎然地抖落那些趣闻。他披卷破帙,博览群书,主要的兴趣在读些海内珍本;他讲起那些充满深奥难懂的知识的故事来,真是口若悬河,滔滔不绝,还像小孩子似的,看到听众脸上显出惊奇的神情而感到沾沾自喜。三四年以前,他落到了赤贫如洗的境地,不得不接受一家大花布公司的新闻代理人一职。他自认自己才识过人,觉得接受这一差使后没了自己的才干,但是,在他妻子的一再坚持之下,以及迫于家庭生计,他才硬着头皮干了下来。


wj宝宝

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等级: 内阁元老
青春又回来了嘛(*^▽^*)
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chapter 88

There was a knock at the door and a troop of children came in. They were clean and tidy, now. their faces shone with soap, and their hair was plastered down; they were going to Sunday school under Sally’s charge. Athelny joked with them in his dramatic, exuberant fashion, and you could see that he was devoted to them all. His pride in their good health and their good looks was touching. Philip felt that they were a little shy in his presence, and when their father sent them off they fled from the room in evident relief. In a few minutes Mrs. Athelny appeared. She had taken her hair out of the curling pins and now wore an elaborate fringe. She had on a plain black dress, a hat with cheap flowers, and was forcing her hands, red and coarse from much work, into black kid gloves.

‘I’m going to church, Athelny,’ she said. ‘There’s nothing you’ll be wanting, is there?’

‘Only your prayers, my Betty.’

‘They won’t do you much good, you’re too far gone for that,’ she smiled. Then, turning to Philip, she drawled: ‘I can’t get him to go to church. He’s no better than an atheist.’

‘Doesn’t she look like Rubens’ second wife?’ cried Athelny. ‘Wouldn’t she look splendid in a seventeenth-century costume? That’s the sort of wife to marry, my boy. Look at her.’

‘I believe you’d talk the hind leg off a donkey, Athelny,’ she answered calmly.

She succeeded in buttoning her gloves, but before she went she turned to Philip with a kindly, slightly embarrassed smile.

‘You’ll stay to tea, won’t you? Athelny likes someone to talk to, and it’s not often he gets anybody who’s clever enough.’

‘Of course he’ll stay to tea,’ said Athelny. Then when his wife had gone: ‘I make a point of the children going to Sunday school, and I like Betty to go to church. I think women ought to be religious. I don’t believe myself, but I like women and children to.’

Philip, strait-laced in matters of truth, was a little shocked by this airy attitude.

‘But how can you look on while your children are being taught things which you don’t think are true?’

‘If they’re beautiful I don’t much mind if they’re not true. It’s asking a great deal that things should appeal to your reason as well as to your sense of the aesthetic. I wanted Betty to become a Roman Catholic, I should have liked to see her converted in a crown of paper flowers, but she’s hopelessly Protestant. Besides, religion is a matter of temperament; you will believe anything if you have the religious turn of mind, and if you haven’t it doesn’t matter what beliefs were instilled into you, you will grow out of them. Perhaps religion is the best school of morality. It is like one of those drugs you gentlemen use in medicine which carries another in solution: it is of no efficacy in itself, but enables the other to be absorbed. You take your morality because it is combined with religion; you lose the religion and the morality stays behind. A man is more likely to be a good man if he has learned goodness through the love of God than through a perusal of Herbert Spencer.’

This was contrary to all Philip’s ideas. He still looked upon Christianity as a degrading bondage that must be cast away at any cost; it was connected subconsciously in his mind with the dreary services in the cathedral at Tercanbury, and the long hours of boredom in the cold church at Blackstable; and the morality of which Athelny spoke was to him no more than a part of the religion which a halting intelligence preserved, when it had laid aside the beliefs which alone made it reasonable. But while he was meditating a reply Athelny, more interested in hearing himself speak than in discussion, broke into a tirade upon Roman Catholicism. For him it was an essential part of Spain; and Spain meant much to him, because he had escaped to it from the conventionality which during his married life he had found so irksome. With large gestures and in the emphatic tone which made what he said so striking, Athelny described to Philip the Spanish cathedrals with their vast dark spaces, the massive gold of the altar-pieces, and the sumptuous iron-work, gilt and faded, the air laden with incense, the silence: Philip almost saw the Canons in their short surplices of lawn, the acolytes in red, passing from the sacristy to the choir; he almost heard the monotonous chanting of vespers. The names which Athelny mentioned, Avila, Tarragona, Saragossa, Segovia, Cordova, were like trumpets in his heart. He seemed to see the great gray piles of granite set in old Spanish towns amid a landscape tawny, wild, and windswept.

‘I’ve always thought I should love to go to Seville,’ he said casually, when Athelny, with one hand dramatically uplifted, paused for a moment.

‘Seville!’ cried Athelny. ‘No, no, don’t go there. Seville: it brings to the mind girls dancing with castanets, singing in gardens by the Guadalquivir, bull-fights, orange-blossom, mantillas, mantones de Manila. It is the Spain of comic opera and Montmartre. Its facile charm can offer permanent entertainment only to an intelligence which is superficial. Theophile Gautier got out of Seville all that it has to offer. We who come after him can only repeat his sensations. He put large fat hands on the obvious and there is nothing but the obvious there; and it is all finger-marked and frayed. Murillo is its painter.’

Athelny got up from his chair, walked over to the Spanish cabinet, let down the front with its great gilt hinges and gorgeous lock, and displayed a series of little drawers. He took out a bundle of photographs.

‘Do you know El Greco?’ he asked.

‘Oh, I remember one of the men in Paris was awfully impressed by him.’

‘El Greco was the painter of Toledo. Betty couldn’t find the photograph I wanted to show you. It’s a picture that El Greco painted of the city he loved, and it’s truer than any photograph. Come and sit at the table.’

Philip dragged his chair forward, and Athelny set the photograph before him. He looked at it curiously, for a long time, in silence. He stretched out his hand for other photographs, and Athelny passed them to him. He had never before seen the work of that enigmatic master; and at the first glance he was bothered by the arbitrary drawing: the figures were extraordinarily elongated; the heads were very small; the attitudes were extravagant. This was not realism, and yet, and yet even in the photographs you had the impression of a troubling reality. Athelny was describing eagerly, with vivid phrases, but Philip only heard vaguely what he said. He was puzzled. He was curiously moved. These pictures seemed to offer some meaning to him, but he did not know what the meaning was. There were portraits of men with large, melancholy eyes which seemed to say you knew not what; there were long monks in the Franciscan habit or in the Dominican, with distraught faces, making gestures whose sense escaped you; there was an Assumption of the Virgin; there was a Crucifixion in which the painter by some magic of feeling had been able to suggest that the flesh of Christ’s dead body was not human flesh only but divine; and there was an Ascension in which the Saviour seemed to surge up towards the empyrean and yet to stand upon the air as steadily as though it were solid ground: the uplifted arms of the Apostles, the sweep of their draperies, their ecstatic gestures, gave an impression of exultation and of holy joy. The background of nearly all was the sky by night, the dark night of the soul, with wild clouds swept by strange winds of hell and lit luridly by an uneasy moon.

‘I’ve seen that sky in Toledo over and over again,’ said Athelny. ‘I have an idea that when first El Greco came to the city it was by such a night, and it made so vehement an impression upon him that he could never get away from it.’

Philip remembered how Clutton had been affected by this strange master, whose work he now saw for the first time. He thought that Clutton was the most interesting of all the people he had known in Paris. His sardonic manner, his hostile aloofness, had made it difficult to know him; but it seemed to Philip, looking back, that there had been in him a tragic force, which sought vainly to express itself in painting. He was a man of unusual character, mystical after the fashion of a time that had no leaning to mysticism, who was impatient with life because he found himself unable to say the things which the obscure impulses of his heart suggested. His intellect was not fashioned to the uses of the spirit. It was not surprising that he felt a deep sympathy with the Greek who had devised a new technique to express the yearnings of his soul. Philip looked again at the series of portraits of Spanish gentlemen, with ruffles and pointed beards, their faces pale against the sober black of their clothes and the darkness of the background. El Greco was the painter of the soul; and these gentlemen, wan and wasted, not by exhaustion but by restraint, with their tortured minds, seem to walk unaware of the beauty of the world; for their eyes look only in their hearts, and they are dazzled by the glory of the unseen. No painter has shown more pitilessly that the world is but a place of passage. The souls of the men he painted speak their strange longings through their eyes: their senses are miraculously acute, not for sounds and odours and colour, but for the very subtle sensations of the soul. The noble walks with the monkish heart within him, and his eyes see things which saints in their cells see too, and he is unastounded. His lips are not lips that smile.

Philip, silent still, returned to the photograph of Toledo, which seemed to him the most arresting picture of them all. He could not take his eyes off it. He felt strangely that he was on the threshold of some new discovery in life. He was tremulous with a sense of adventure. He thought for an instant of the love that had consumed him: love seemed very trivial beside the excitement which now leaped in his heart. The picture he looked at was a long one, with houses crowded upon a hill; in one corner a boy was holding a large map of the town; in another was a classical figure representing the river Tagus; and in the sky was the Virgin surrounded by angels. It was a landscape alien to all Philip’s notion, for he had lived in circles that worshipped exact realism; and yet here again, strangely to himself, he felt a reality greater than any achieved by the masters in whose steps humbly he had sought to walk. He heard Athelny say that the representation was so precise that when the citizens of Toledo came to look at the picture they recognised their houses. The painter had painted exactly what he saw but he had seen with the eyes of the spirit. There was something unearthly in that city of pale gray. It was a city of the soul seen by a wan light that was neither that of night nor day. It stood on a green hill, but of a green not of this world, and it was surrounded by massive walls and bastions to be stormed by no machines or engines of man’s invention, but by prayer and fasting, by contrite sighs and by mortifications of the flesh. It was a stronghold of God. Those gray houses were made of no stone known to masons, there was something terrifying in their aspect, and you did not know what men might live in them. You might walk through the streets and be unamazed to find them all deserted, and yet not empty; for you felt a presence invisible and yet manifest to every inner sense. It was a mystical city in which the imagination faltered like one who steps out of the light into darkness; the soul walked naked to and fro, knowing the unknowable, and conscious strangely of experience, intimate but inexpressible, of the absolute. And without surprise, in that blue sky, real with a reality that not the eye but the soul confesses, with its rack of light clouds driven by strange breezes, like the cries and the sighs of lost souls, you saw the Blessed Virgin with a gown of red and a cloak of blue, surrounded by winged angels. Philip felt that the inhabitants of that city would have seen the apparition without astonishment, reverent and thankful, and have gone their ways.

Athelny spoke of the mystical writers of Spain, of Teresa de Avila, San Juan de la Cruz, Fray Luis de Leon; in all of them was that passion for the unseen which Philip felt in the pictures of El Greco: they seemed to have the power to touch the incorporeal and see the invisible. They were Spaniards of their age, in whom were tremulous all the mighty exploits of a great nation: their fancies were rich with the glories of America and the green islands of the Caribbean Sea; in their veins was the power that had come from age-long battling with the Moor; they were proud, for they were masters of the world; and they felt in themselves the wide distances, the tawny wastes, the snow-capped mountains of Castile, the sunshine and the blue sky, and the flowering plains of Andalusia. Life was passionate and manifold, and because it offered so much they felt a restless yearning for something more; because they were human they were unsatisfied; and they threw this eager vitality of theirs into a vehement striving after the ineffable. Athelny was not displeased to find someone to whom he could read the translations with which for some time he had amused his leisure; and in his fine, vibrating voice he recited the canticle of the Soul and Christ her lover, the lovely poem which begins with the words en una noche oscura, and the noche serena of Fray Luis de Leon. He had translated them quite simply, not without skill, and he had found words which at all events suggested the rough-hewn grandeur of the original. The pictures of El Greco explained them, and they explained the pictures.

Philip had cultivated a certain disdain for idealism. He had always had a passion for life, and the idealism he had come across seemed to him for the most part a cowardly shrinking from it. The idealist withdrew himself, because he could not suffer the jostling of the human crowd; he had not the strength to fight and so called the battle vulgar; he was vain, and since his fellows would not take him at his own estimate, consoled himself with despising his fellows. For Philip his type was Hayward, fair, languid, too fat now and rather bald, still cherishing the remains of his good looks and still delicately proposing to do exquisite things in the uncertain future; and at the back of this were whiskey and vulgar amours of the street. It was in reaction from what Hayward represented that Philip clamoured for life as it stood; sordidness, vice, deformity, did not offend him; he declared that he wanted man in his nakedness; and he rubbed his hands when an instance came before him of meanness, cruelty, selfishness, or lust: that was the real thing. In Paris he had learned that there was neither ugliness nor beauty, but only truth: the search after beauty was sentimental. Had he not painted an advertisement of chocolat Menier in a landscape in order to escape from the tyranny of prettiness?

But here he seemed to divine something new. He had been coming to it, all hesitating, for some time, but only now was conscious of the fact; he felt himself on the brink of a discovery. He felt vaguely that here was something better than the realism which he had adored; but certainly it was not the bloodless idealism which stepped aside from life in weakness; it was too strong; it was virile; it accepted life in all its vivacity, ugliness and beauty, squalor and heroism; it was realism still; but it was realism carried to some higher pitch, in which facts were transformed by the more vivid light in which they were seen. He seemed to see things more profoundly through the grave eyes of those dead noblemen of Castile; and the gestures of the saints, which at first had seemed wild and distorted, appeared to have some mysterious significance. But he could not tell what that significance was. It was like a message which it was very important for him to receive, but it was given him in an unknown tongue, and he could not understand. He was always seeking for a meaning in life, and here it seemed to him that a meaning was offered; but it was obscure and vague. He was profoundly troubled. He saw what looked like the truth as by flashes of lightning on a dark, stormy night you might see a mountain range. He seemed to see that a man need not leave his life to chance, but that his will was powerful; he seemed to see that self-control might be as passionate and as active as the surrender to passion; he seemed to see that the inward life might be as manifold, as varied, as rich with experience, as the life of one who conquered realms and explored unknown lands.



第八十八章

随着一阵叩门声,一群孩子蜂拥而入。此刻,他们一个个浑身上下收拾得干干净净、整整齐齐。一张张小脸蛋因刚用肥皂擦洗过而闪闪发亮。湿润的头发梳理得服服帖帖。他们将在莎莉的带领下到主日学校去。阿特尔涅喜气洋洋,像演戏似地同孩子们打趣逗乐。不难看出,他还怪疼爱他们的哩。他为自己的孩子们一个个长得身强体壮、英气勃勃而感到骄傲,他那股骄傲的神气倒蛮感人肺腑的呢。菲利普隐约觉得孩子们在他跟前显得有点儿拘束,而当他们的父亲把他们打发走时,他们很明显怀着一种释然的心情一溜烟地跑开了。没过几分钟,阿特尔涅太太走了进来。这时,卷发的夹子拿掉了,额前的刘海梳理得一丝不乱。她穿了件朴素的黑上衣,戴了顶饰有几朵廉价鲜花的帽子。眼下她正在使劲往那双因劳作而变得通红、粗糙的手上套着手套。

"我这就上教堂去,阿特尔涅,"她说,"你们不需要什么了吧?"

"只要你的祷告,贝蒂。"

"我的祷告对你不会有什么好处,你这个人根本连听也没心思所。"她说罢微微笑了笑,接着转过脸去,面对着菲利普,慢声慢气地说:"我没办法叫他跟我一块上教堂。他比无神论者好不了多少。"

"你看她像不像鲁宾斯的第二个妻子?"阿特尔涅顿时嚷了起来。"她穿上十七世纪的服装,看上去不也是仪态雍容吗?要娶老婆,就要娶她这样的老婆,我的老弟。你瞧她那副模样儿!"

"我晓得你又要要贫嘴了,阿特尔涅,"她沉着地顶了他一句。

阿特尔涅太太好不容易揿下了手套的揿钮。临行前,她朝菲利普转过身去,脸上露出和蔼但略为尴尬的笑容。

"你留下来用茶点,好不?阿特尔涅喜欢找个人说个话儿,可不是经常能找到有头脑的人的。"

"那还用你讲,他当然要在这儿用茶点咯,"阿特尔涅说。妻子走后,他又接下去说道:"我规定让孩子们上主日学校,我也喜欢贝蒂到教堂去。我认为女人应该信教。我自己不相信宗教,可我喜欢女人和孩子信教。"

菲利普自己对涉及真理方面问题的态度极端严谨,因此当看到阿特尔涅采取这种轻浮的态度,不觉微微一怔。

"孩子们所接受的恰恰是你认为是不真实的东西,你怎么能无动于衷、听之任之呢?"

"只要那些东西美丽动听,就是不真实,那又有什么关系呢。要求每一件事情既符合你的理智又符合你的审美观,那你的要求也太高了。我原先希望贝蒂成为天主教徒,还巴不得能看到她头戴纸花王冠皈依天主教呢。可是,她却是个耶稣教徒,真是不可救药。再说,信不信教是一个人的气质问题。要是你生来就有颗信教的脑袋,那你对什么事情都会笃信不疑;要是你生来就没有信教的脑袋,不管你头脑里灌进什么样的信仰,你慢慢总会摆脱这些信仰的。宗教或许还是最好的道德学校呐。这好比你们这些绅士常用的药剂中的一味药,不用这味药而改用别的,也同样解决问题。这就说明那味药本身并无功效,不过起分解别的药使其容易被吸收罢了。你选择你的道德观念,这是因为它与宗教结合在一起的。你失去宗教信仰,但道德观念依然还在。一个人假如不是通过研读赫伯特·斯宾塞的哲学著作而是通过热爱上帝来修身养性的话,那他将更容易成为一个好人。"

菲利普的观点正好同阿特尔涅的背道而驰。他依然认为基督教是使人堕落的枷锁,必须不惜一切代价摧毁之。在他头脑里,他的这种看法总是自觉或不自觉地与坎特伯雷大教堂的令人生厌的礼拜仪式和布莱克斯泰勃的冷冰冰的教堂里的冗长乏味的布道活动联系在一起的。在他看来,阿特尔涅刚才谈论的道德观念,不过是一种一旦抛弃使之成立的种种信仰时就只有一个战战兢兢的神明庇佑的宗教的一部分。就在菲利普思索如何回答的当儿,阿特尔涅突然就罗马天主教发表了长篇宏论,他这个人对听自己讲话比听别人发言要更有兴趣得多。在他的眼里,罗马天主教是西班牙的精髓。西班牙对他来说可非同一般,因为他终于摆脱了传统习俗的束缚而在西班牙找到了精神庇护所,他的婚后生活告诉他传统习俗实在令人厌倦。阿特尔涅对菲利普娓娓描述起西班牙大教堂那幽暗空旷的圣堂、祭坛背面屏风上的大块金子、烫过金粉但已黯然失色的颇有气派的铁制饰物,还描述了教堂内如何香烟缭绕、如何阒然无声。说话间,阿特尔涅还配以丰富的表情,时而加重语气,使他所讲的显得更加动人心魄。菲利普仿佛看到了写在主教穿的宽大白法衣上的圣徒名单,身披红法衣的修道士们纷纷从圣器收藏室走向教士席位,他耳边仿佛响起了那单调的晚祷歌声。阿特尔汉在谈话中提到的诸如阿维拉、塔拉戈约、萨拉戈萨、塞哥维亚、科尔多瓦之类的地名,好比是他心中的一只只喇叭。他还仿佛看到,在那满目黄土、一片荒凉、寒风呼啸的原野上,在一座座西班牙古城里矗立着一堆堆巨大的灰色花岗岩石。

"我一向认为我应该到塞维利亚去看看,"菲利普信口说了这么一句,可阿特尔涅却戏剧性地举起一只手,呆呆地愣了一会儿。

"塞维利亚!"阿特尔涅叫嚷道。"不,不行,千万别到那儿去。塞维利亚,一提起这个地方,就会想起少女们踏着响板的节奏翩翩起舞,在瓜达尔基维尔河畔的花园里引吭高歌的场面,就会想起斗牛、香橙花以及女人的薄头罩和mantones de Manila。那是喜歌剧和蒙马特尔的西班牙。这种轻而易举的噱头只能给那些智力平平、浅尝辄止的人带来无穷的乐趣。尽管塞维利亚有那么多好玩好看的东西,可塔渥菲尔·高蒂亚还是从那儿跑了出来。我们去步他后尘,也只能体验一下他所体验过的感觉而已。他那双既大又肥的手触到的只是显而易见的东西。然而,那儿除了显而易见的东西之外,再也没有别的什么了。那儿的一切都打上了指纹,都被磨损了。那儿的画家叫缪雷里奥。"

阿特尔涅从椅子里站起身来,走到那个西班牙式橱子跟前,打开闪闪发光的锁,顺着烫金铰链打开阔门,露出里面一格格小抽屉。他从里面拿出一叠照片来。

"你可晓得埃尔·格列柯这个人?"他问菲利普。

"喔,我还记得在巴黎的时候,就有个人对埃尔·格列柯着了迷似的。"

"埃尔·格列柯是托菜多画家。我要给你看的那张画,贝蒂就是找不出来。埃尔·格列柯在那张画里就是画他喜爱的那个城市,画得比任何一张画都要真实。坐到桌子边上来。"

菲利普把坐椅向前挪了挪,接着阿特尔涅把那些照片摆在他面前的桌上。他惊奇地注视着,有好一会儿,他屏息凝气,一声不吭。他伸长手去拿其他几张照片,阿特尔涅随手把它们递了过来。那位谜一般的画师的作品,他从来未看到过。界眼一看,他倒被那任意的画法弄糊涂了:人物的身子奇长,脑袋特别小,神态狂放不羁。这不是现实主义的笔法,然;而,这些画面还是给留下一个令人惴惴不安的真实印象。阿特尔涅迫不及待地忙着作解说,且使用的全是些鲜明生动的词藻,但是菲利普只是模模糊糊地听进了几句。他感到迷惑不解。他莫名其妙地深受感动。在他看来,这些图画似乎有些意思,但又说不清究竟是什么意思。画面上的一些男人,睁大着充满忧伤的眼睛,他们似乎在向你诉说着什么,你却又不知所云;带有方济各会或多明我会特征的长脚修道士,一个个脸红脖子粗,打着令人莫名其妙的手势。有一张画的是圣母升天的场面。另一幅是画耶稣在十字架上钉死的情景,在这幅画里,画家以一种神奇的感情成功地表明,耶稣的身躯决不是凡人那样的肉体,而是神圣之躯。还有一幅耶稣升天图,上面画着耶稣基督徐徐升向太空,仿佛脚下踩的不是空气而是坚实的大地:基督的使徒们欣喜若狂,举起双臂,挥舞着衣巾,这一切给人以一种圣洁的欢愉和狂喜的印象牙所有这些图画的背景凡乎都是夜空:心灵之夜幕,地狱阴风飕飕,吹得乱云飞渡,在闪闪烁烁的月光照射下,显得一片灰黄。

这当儿,菲利普想起当年克拉顿深受这位令人不可思议的画师的影响的事情来。这是他平生第一次目睹这位画师的遗墨。他认为克拉顿是他在巴黎所熟识的人中间最最有趣的。他好挖苦人,高傲矜夸,对一切都怀有敌意,这一切使得别人很难了解他。回首往事,菲利普似乎觉得克拉顿身上有股悲剧性的力量,千方百计想在绘画中得到表现,但终究未能得逞。他那个人性格怪异特别,好像一个毫无神秘主义倾向的时代那样不可理解;他对生活不能忍受,因为他感到自己无法表达他微弱的心跳所暗示的意义。他的智力不适应精神的功能。这样看来,他对采取新办法来表现内心的渴望的那位希腊人深表同情也就不奇怪了。菲利普再次浏览那些西班牙绅士们的众生相,只见他们脸上皱纹纵横,翘着尖尖的胡子,在浅黑色的衣服和漆黑的背景映衬下,他们的脸显得十分苍白。埃尔·格列柯是位揭示心灵的画家。而那些绅士,脸色惨白,形容憔悴,但不是由劳累过度而是由精神备受压抑才这样的。他们的头脑惨遭摧残。他们走路时,仿佛对世界之美毫无意识似的。因为他们的眼睛只是注视着自己的心,所以他们被灵魂世界的壮观搞得眼花缘乱。没有一个画家能像埃尔·格列柯那样无情地揭示出世界不过是临时厕身之地罢了。他笔下的那些人物是通过眼睛来表达内心的渴望的:他们的感官对声音、气味和颜色的反应迟钝,可对心灵的微妙的情感却十分灵敏。这位卓越的画家怀着一颗菩萨心肠到处转悠,看到了升入天国的死者也能看到的形形色色的幻物,然而他却丝毫不感到吃惊。他的嘴从来就不是一张轻易张开微笑的嘴。

菲利普依然缄默不语,目光又落到了那张托莱多的风景画上。在他眼里,这是所有的画中最引人注目的一幅。他说什么也不能把自己的目光从这幅画上移开去。此时,他心里不由得生起一种莫可名状的情感,他感到自己开始对人生的真谛有了新的发现。他内心激荡着一种探险的激清。瞬息间,他想起了曾使他心力交瘁的爱情:爱情除了眼下激起他内心一阵激动之外,简直微不足道。他注视着的那幅画很长,上面画着一座小山。山上房舍鳞次栉比,拥挤不堪;照片的一角,有个男孩,手里拿着一张该城的大地图;另一角站着位象征塔古斯河的古典人物;天空中,一群天使簇拥着圣母。这种景致同菲利普的想法正好相悻,因为多年来他一直生活在这样一个圈子里,这个圈子里的人们唯不折不扣的现实主义为尊。然而,他这时又再次感觉到,比起他先前竭力亦步亦趋地加以模仿的那些画师们所取得的成就来,埃尔·格列柯的这幅画更具有强烈的真实感。他为什么会有这种感受,这连他自己也莫名其妙。他听阿特尔涅说画面是如此的逼真,以致让托莱多的市民来看这张画时,他们还能认出各自的房屋来。埃尔·格列柯笔下所画的正是他眼睛所看到的,但他是用心灵的眼睛观察人生的。在那座灰蒙蒙的城市里,似乎飘逸着一种超凡越圣的气氛。在惨淡的光线照耀下,这座心灵之城看上去既不是在白天,也不是在黑夜。该城屹立在一座绿色的山丘之上,但这绿色却又不是今世所见的那种色彩。城市四周围着厚实的城墙和棱堡,将为祷告、斋戒、懊悔不已的叹息声和禁锢的七情六欲所摧毁,而不是为现代人所发明创造的现代机器和引擎所推倒。这是上帝的要塞。那些灰白色的房屋并非是用一种为石匠所熟知的石头砌成的,那样子令人森然可怖,不知道人们是怎样在这里面生活的。你穿街走巷,看到那儿恰似无人却不空,大概不会感到惊奇,那是因为你感觉到一种存在虽说看不见摸不着,但内心深处却感到它无处不在、无时不有的缘故。在这座神秘的城市里,人的想象力颤摇着,就好比人刚从亮处走进黑暗里一般。赤裸裸的灵魂来回逡巡,领悟到不可知的东西,奇怪地意识到经验之亲切却又不可言喻,并且还奇怪地意识到了绝对。在那蔚蓝的天空,人们看到一群两胛插翅的天使簇拥着身穿红袍和蓝外套的圣母,但毫不觉得奇怪。那蔚蓝色的天空因具有一种由心灵而不是肉眼所证明的现实而显得真实可信,那朵朵浮云随着缕缕奇异的犹如永堕地狱的幽灵的哭喊声和叹息声的微风飘动着。菲利普感到该城的居民面对这一神奇的景象,无论是出于崇敬还是感激,都不感到惊奇,而是自由自在,一意孤行。

阿特尔涅谈起了西班牙神秘主义作家,议论起特雷莎·德阿维拉、圣胡安·德拉克普斯、弗赖·迭戈·德莱昂等人。他们都对灵魂世界怀着强烈的情感,而这灵魂世界菲利普只有在埃尔·格列柯的画作中才能体会得到:他们似乎都有触摸无形体和看到灵界的能力。他们是他们那个时代的西班牙人,在他们的心里,一个伟大民族的光辉业绩都在颤抖。他们的想象中充满了美利坚的光荣和加勒比海的四季常绿的岛屿;他们的血管里充满了由长期同摩尔人作战磨练出来的活力;他们因为自己是世界的一代宗师而感到骄傲;他们感到自己胸怀天涯海角、黄褐色的荒原、终年积雪的卡斯蒂尔山脉、阳光和蓝天,还有安达卢西亚鲜花怒放的平原。生活充满了激情,色彩斑斓。正因为生活提供的东西太多,所以他们的欲望永无止境,总是渴望得到更多更多。正因为他们也是人,所以他们的欲壑总是填不平,于是,他们将他们的勃勃生气化为追求不可言喻的东西的激情。阿特尔涅有段时间借译诗以自遣,对找到个能读懂自己的译稿的人,他不无高兴。他用其优美动听且带着颤抖的嗓音,背诵起对灵魂及其情人基督的赞美诗,以及弗赖·卢易斯·德莱昂开头写着en una noche oscura和noche serena的优美诗?K囊敫逦奶?简朴,但不无匠心。他觉得,无论怎么说,他所用的词藻正体现了原作那虽粗糙然而雄浑的风韵。埃尔·格列柯的图画解释了诗歌的含义,而诗歌也道出了图画中的真义。

菲利普对理想主义怀有某种厌恶感。他一向强烈地热爱生活,而就他平生所见,理想主义在生活面前大多胆怯地退却。理想主义之所以退却,是因为他不能忍受人们相互你争我夺;他自己没有勇气奋起而战,于是把争斗说成是庸俗的。他自己庸庸碌碌,可当同伴们并不像他看待自己那样对待他时,他就蔑视伙伴们,并借此聊以自慰。在菲利普看来,海沃德就是这样的人。海沃德五官端正,精神萎顿,眼下变得体态臃肿,秃了脑顶心。但他还精心爱护着几处残留的俊俏的容颜,仍旧趣味隽永地谈论着要在那含糊不定的未来作出一番成就。然而,在所有这一切的后面,却是威士忌,在街上追逐女人,恣情纵欲。与海沃德所代表的人生观恰恰相反,菲利普回口声声要求生活就像它现在这个样子,什么卑鄙、恶习和残疾,这些他都无动于衷。他声称他希望人都应该是赤身裸体、一丝不挂。当下贱、残忍、自私或色欲出现在他面前时,他都愉快地搓着双手:那才是事情的本来面目。在巴黎的时候,他就知道世间既无美也无丑,而只有事实;追求美完全是感情用事。为了摆脱美的专横,他不是就在一张风景画上画了个推销chocolat Menier的广告吗?

然而这样一来,他似乎又把一件事情加以神圣化了。好久以来,他对此一直有些感觉,但总是犹犹豫豫地吃不准,直到此时方才觉悟到了这一点。他感到自己开始有所发现,隐隐约约地觉得,世间还有比他推崇备至的现实主义更为完美的东西,不过这一更为完美的东西当然不是面对人生软弱无力的理想主义。它大强烈,非常有魄力;生活中的欢乐、丑和美、卑劣行径和英雄行为,它都一概接受。它仍旧是现实主义,不过是一种更为高级的现实主义。在这种现实主义里面,事实为一种更为鲜明的荣光所改造。通过已故的卡斯蒂尔贵族们的悲哀目光,菲利普似乎看问题更为深刻。而那些圣徒的脸部表情,乍一看似乎有点癫狂和异样,可现在看来里面似乎蕴含着某种令人难以捉摸的意义。但是菲利普却无法解出其中之味。这好比是个信息,一个他要接受的非常重要的信息,但是这个信息却是用一种他陌生的语言传递的,他怎么也听不懂。他一直在孜孜探索着人生的意义。他似乎觉得这里已为他提供了答案,却又嫌太隐晦,太空泛。他困惑不解。他仿佛看到了某种像是真理的东西,就好比在暴风雨的黑夜里,借着闪电望见大山的轮廓一般。他似乎认识到自己的意志是强大的;认识到自我克制完全可能同屈服于欲望一样强烈、活跃;还认识到精神生活会与一个征服多种领域并进而对未知的世界进行探索的人的生活一样色彩斑斓,一样五光十色,一样充满了经验。

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等级: 内阁元老
青春又回来了嘛(*^▽^*)
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chapter 87

Ten days later Thorpe Athelny was well enough to leave the hospital. He gave Philip his address, and Philip promised to dine with him at one o’clock on the following Sunday. Athelny had told him that he lived in a house built by Inigo Jones; he had raved, as he raved over everything, over the balustrade of old oak; and when he came down to open the door for Philip he made him at once admire the elegant carving of the lintel. It was a shabby house, badly needing a coat of paint, but with the dignity of its period, in a little street between Chancery Lane and Holborn, which had once been fashionable but was now little better than a slum: there was a plan to pull it down in order to put up handsome offices; meanwhile the rents were small, and Athelny was able to get the two upper floors at a price which suited his income. Philip had not seen him up before and was surprised at his small size; he was not more than five feet and five inches high. He was dressed fantastically in blue linen trousers of the sort worn by working men in France, and a very old brown velvet coat; he wore a bright red sash round his waist, a low collar, and for tie a flowing bow of the kind used by the comic Frenchman in the pages of Punch. He greeted Philip with enthusiasm. He began talking at once of the house and passed his hand lovingly over the balusters.

‘Look at it, feel it, it’s like silk. What a miracle of grace! And in five years the house-breaker will sell it for firewood.’

He insisted on taking Philip into a room on the first floor, where a man in shirt sleeves, a blousy woman, and three children were having their Sunday dinner.

‘I’ve just brought this gentleman in to show him your ceiling. Did you ever see anything so wonderful? How are you, Mrs. Hodgson? This is Mr. Carey, who looked after me when I was in the hospital.’

‘Come in, sir,’ said the man. ‘Any friend of Mr. Athelny’s is welcome. Mr. Athelny shows the ceiling to all his friends. And it don’t matter what we’re doing, if we’re in bed or if I’m ‘aving a wash, in ‘e comes.’

Philip could see that they looked upon Athelny as a little queer; but they liked him none the less and they listened open-mouthed while he discoursed with his impetuous fluency on the beauty of the seventeenth-century ceiling.

‘What a crime to pull this down, eh, Hodgson? You’re an influential citizen, why don’t you write to the papers and protest?’

The man in shirt sleeves gave a laugh and said to Philip:

‘Mr. Athelny will ‘ave his little joke. They do say these ‘ouses are that insanitory, it’s not safe to live in them.’

‘Sanitation be damned, give me art,’ cried Athelny. ‘I’ve got nine children and they thrive on bad drains. No, no, I’m not going to take any risk. None of your new-fangled notions for me! When I move from here I’m going to make sure the drains are bad before I take anything.’

There was a knock at the door, and a little fair-haired girl opened it.

‘Daddy, mummy says, do stop talking and come and eat your dinner.’

‘This is my third daughter,’ said Athelny, pointing to her with a dramatic forefinger. ‘She is called Maria del Pilar, but she answers more willingly to the name of Jane. Jane, your nose wants blowing.’

‘I haven’t got a hanky, daddy.’

‘Tut, tut, child,’ he answered, as he produced a vast, brilliant bandanna, ‘what do you suppose the Almighty gave you fingers for?’

They went upstairs, and Philip was taken into a room with walls panelled in dark oak. In the middle was a narrow table of teak on trestle legs, with two supporting bars of iron, of the kind called in Spain mesa de hieraje. They were to dine there, for two places were laid, and there were two large arm-chairs, with broad flat arms of oak and leathern backs, and leathern seats. They were severe, elegant, and uncomfortable. The only other piece of furniture was a bargueno, elaborately ornamented with gilt iron-work, on a stand of ecclesiastical design roughly but very finely carved. There stood on this two or three lustre plates, much broken but rich in colour; and on the walls were old masters of the Spanish school in beautiful though dilapidated frames: though gruesome in subject, ruined by age and bad treatment, and second-rate in their conception, they had a glow of passion. There was nothing in the room of any value, but the effect was lovely. It was magnificent and yet austere. Philip felt that it offered the very spirit of old Spain. Athelny was in the middle of showing him the inside of the bargueno, with its beautiful ornamentation and secret drawers, when a tall girl, with two plaits of bright brown hair hanging down her back, came in.

‘Mother says dinner’s ready and waiting and I’m to bring it in as soon as you sit down.’

‘Come and shake hands with Mr. Carey, Sally.’ He turned to Philip. ‘Isn’t she enormous? She’s my eldest. How old are you, Sally?’

‘Fifteen, father, come next June.’

‘I christened her Maria del Sol, because she was my first child and I dedicated her to the glorious sun of Castile; but her mother calls her Sally and her brother Pudding-Face.’

The girl smiled shyly, she had even, white teeth, and blushed. She was well set-up, tall for her age, with pleasant gray eyes and a broad forehead. She had red cheeks.

‘Go and tell your mother to come in and shake hands with Mr. Carey before he sits down.’

‘Mother says she’ll come in after dinner. She hasn’t washed herself yet.’

‘Then we’ll go in and see her ourselves. He mustn’t eat the Yorkshire pudding till he’s shaken the hand that made it.’

Philip followed his host into the kitchen. It was small and much overcrowded. There had been a lot of noise, but it stopped as soon as the stranger entered. There was a large table in the middle and round it, eager for dinner, were seated Athelny’s children. A woman was standing at the oven, taking out baked potatoes one by one.

‘Here’s Mr. Carey, Betty,’ said Athelny.

‘Fancy bringing him in here. What will he think?’

She wore a dirty apron, and the sleeves of her cotton dress were turned up above her elbows; she had curling pins in her hair. Mrs. Athelny was a large woman, a good three inches taller than her husband, fair, with blue eyes and a kindly expression; she had been a handsome creature, but advancing years and the bearing of many children had made her fat and blousy; her blue eyes had become pale, her skin was coarse and red, the colour had gone out of her hair. She straightened herself, wiped her hand on her apron, and held it out.

‘You’re welcome, sir,’ she said, in a slow voice, with an accent that seemed oddly familiar to Philip. ‘Athelny said you was very kind to him in the ‘orspital.’

‘Now you must be introduced to the live stock,’ said Athelny. ‘That is Thorpe,’ he pointed to a chubby boy with curly hair, ‘he is my eldest son, heir to the title, estates, and responsibilities of the family. There is Athelstan, Harold, Edward.’ He pointed with his forefinger to three smaller boys, all rosy, healthy, and smiling, though when they felt Philip’s smiling eyes upon them they looked shyly down at their plates. ‘Now the girls in order: Maria del Sol...’

‘Pudding-Face,’ said one of the small boys.

‘Your sense of humour is rudimentary, my son. Maria de los Mercedes, Maria del Pilar, Maria de la Concepcion, Maria del Rosario.’

‘I call them Sally, Molly, Connie, Rosie, and Jane,’ said Mrs. Athelny. ‘Now, Athelny, you go into your own room and I’ll send you your dinner. I’ll let the children come in afterwards for a bit when I’ve washed them.’

‘My dear, if I’d had the naming of you I should have called you Maria of the Soapsuds. You’re always torturing these wretched brats with soap.’

‘You go first, Mr. Carey, or I shall never get him to sit down and eat his dinner.’

Athelny and Philip installed themselves in the great monkish chairs, and Sally brought them in two plates of beef, Yorkshire pudding, baked potatoes, and cabbage. Athelny took sixpence out of his pocket and sent her for a jug of beer.

‘I hope you didn’t have the table laid here on my account,’ said Philip. ‘I should have been quite happy to eat with the children.’

‘Oh no, I always have my meals by myself. I like these antique customs. I don’t think that women ought to sit down at table with men. It ruins conversation and I’m sure it’s very bad for them. It puts ideas in their heads, and women are never at ease with themselves when they have ideas.’

Both host and guest ate with a hearty appetite.

‘Did you ever taste such Yorkshire pudding? No one can make it like my wife. That’s the advantage of not marrying a lady. You noticed she wasn’t a lady, didn’t you?’

It was an awkward question, and Philip did not know how to answer it.

‘I never thought about it,’ he said lamely.

Athelny laughed. He had a peculiarly joyous laugh.

‘No, she’s not a lady, nor anything like it. Her father was a farmer, and she’s never bothered about aitches in her life. We’ve had twelve children and nine of them are alive. I tell her it’s about time she stopped, but she’s an obstinate woman, she’s got into the habit of it now, and I don’t believe she’ll be satisfied till she’s had twenty.’

At that moment Sally came in with the beer, and, having poured out a glass for Philip, went to the other side of the table to pour some out for her father. He put his hand round her waist.

‘Did you ever see such a handsome, strapping girl? Only fifteen and she might be twenty. Look at her cheeks. She’s never had a day’s illness in her life. It’ll be a lucky man who marries her, won’t it, Sally?’

Sally listened to all this with a slight, slow smile, not much embarrassed, for she was accustomed to her father’s outbursts, but with an easy modesty which was very attractive.

‘Don’t let your dinner get cold, father,’ she said, drawing herself away from his arm. ‘You’ll call when you’re ready for your pudding, won’t you?’

They were left alone, and Athelny lifted the pewter tankard to his lips. He drank long and deep.

‘My word, is there anything better than English beer?’ he said. ‘Let us thank God for simple pleasures, roast beef and rice pudding, a good appetite and beer. I was married to a lady once. My God! Don’t marry a lady, my boy.’

Philip laughed. He was exhilarated by the scene, the funny little man in his odd clothes, the panelled room and the Spanish furniture, the English fare: the whole thing had an exquisite incongruity.

‘You laugh, my boy, you can’t imagine marrying beneath you. You want a wife who’s an intellectual equal. Your head is crammed full of ideas of comradeship. Stuff and nonsense, my boy! A man doesn’t want to talk politics to his wife, and what do you think I care for Betty’s views upon the Differential Calculus? A man wants a wife who can cook his dinner and look after his children. I’ve tried both and I know. Let’s have the pudding in.’

He clapped his hands and presently Sally came. When she took away the plates, Philip wanted to get up and help her, but Athelny stopped him.

‘Let her alone, my boy. She doesn’t want you to fuss about, do you, Sally? And she won’t think it rude of you to sit still while she waits upon you. She don’t care a damn for chivalry, do you, Sally?’

‘No, father,’ answered Sally demurely.

‘Do you know what I’m talking about, Sally?’

‘No, father. But you know mother doesn’t like you to swear.’

Athelny laughed boisterously. Sally brought them plates of rice pudding, rich, creamy, and luscious. Athelny attacked his with gusto.

‘One of the rules of this house is that Sunday dinner should never alter. It is a ritual. Roast beef and rice pudding for fifty Sundays in the year. On Easter Sunday lamb and green peas, and at Michaelmas roast goose and apple sauce. Thus we preserve the traditions of our people. When Sally marries she will forget many of the wise things I have taught her, but she will never forget that if you want to be good and happy you must eat on Sundays roast beef and rice pudding.’

‘You’ll call when you’re ready for cheese,’ said Sally impassively.

‘D’you know the legend of the halcyon?’ said Athelny: Philip was growing used to his rapid leaping from one subject to another. ‘When the kingfisher, flying over the sea, is exhausted, his mate places herself beneath him and bears him along upon her stronger wings. That is what a man wants in a wife, the halcyon. I lived with my first wife for three years. She was a lady, she had fifteen hundred a year, and we used to give nice little dinner parties in our little red brick house in Kensington. She was a charming woman; they all said so, the barristers and their wives who dined with us, and the literary stockbrokers, and the budding politicians; oh, she was a charming woman. She made me go to church in a silk hat and a frock coat, she took me to classical concerts, and she was very fond of lectures on Sunday afternoon; and she sat down to breakfast every morning at eight-thirty, and if I was late breakfast was cold; and she read the right books, admired the right pictures, and adored the right music. My God, how that woman bored me! She is charming still, and she lives in the little red brick house in Kensington, with Morris papers and Whistler’s etchings on the walls, and gives the same nice little dinner parties, with veal creams and ices from Gunter’s, as she did twenty years ago.’

Philip did not ask by what means the ill-matched couple had separated, but Athelny told him.

‘Betty’s not my wife, you know; my wife wouldn’t divorce me. The children are bastards, every jack one of them, and are they any the worse for that? Betty was one of the maids in the little red brick house in Kensington. Four or five years ago I was on my uppers, and I had seven children, and I went to my wife and asked her to help me. She said she’d make me an allowance if I’d give Betty up and go abroad. Can you see me giving Betty up? We starved for a while instead. My wife said I loved the gutter. I’ve degenerated; I’ve come down in the world; I earn three pounds a week as press agent to a linendraper, and every day I thank God that I’m not in the little red brick house in Kensington.’

Sally brought in Cheddar cheese, and Athelny went on with his fluent conversation.

‘It’s the greatest mistake in the world to think that one needs money to bring up a family. You need money to make them gentlemen and ladies, but I don’t want my children to be ladies and gentlemen. Sally’s going to earn her living in another year. She’s to be apprenticed to a dressmaker, aren’t you, Sally? And the boys are going to serve their country. I want them all to go into the Navy; it’s a jolly life and a healthy life, good food, good pay, and a pension to end their days on.’

Philip lit his pipe. Athelny smoked cigarettes of Havana tobacco, which he rolled himself. Sally cleared away. Philip was reserved, and it embarrassed him to be the recipient of so many confidences. Athelny, with his powerful voice in the diminutive body, with his bombast, with his foreign look, with his emphasis, was an astonishing creature. He reminded Philip a good deal of Cronshaw. He appeared to have the same independence of thought, the same bohemianism, but he had an infinitely more vivacious temperament; his mind was coarser, and he had not that interest in the abstract which made Cronshaw’s conversation so captivating. Athelny was very proud of the county family to which he belonged; he showed Philip photographs of an Elizabethan mansion, and told him:

‘The Athelnys have lived there for seven centuries, my boy. Ah, if you saw the chimney-pieces and the ceilings!’

There was a cupboard in the wainscoting and from this he took a family tree. He showed it to Philip with child-like satisfaction. It was indeed imposing.

‘You see how the family names recur, Thorpe, Athelstan, Harold, Edward; I’ve used the family names for my sons. And the girls, you see, I’ve given Spanish names to.’

An uneasy feeling came to Philip that possibly the whole story was an elaborate imposture, not told with any base motive, but merely from a wish to impress, startle, and amaze. Athelny had told him that he was at Winchester; but Philip, sensitive to differences of manner, did not feel that his host had the characteristics of a man educated at a great public school. While he pointed out the great alliances which his ancestors had formed, Philip amused himself by wondering whether Athelny was not the son of some tradesman in Winchester, auctioneer or coal-merchant, and whether a similarity of surname was not his only connection with the ancient family whose tree he was displaying.



第八十七章

十天以后,索普·阿特尔涅的病况大有好转,可以出院了。临走时,他把自己的住址留给了菲利普。菲利普答应于下星期天下午一点同他一道进餐。阿特尔涅曾告诉菲利普,说他就住在一幢还是英尼戈·琼斯盖的房子里,说话间,就像他议论任何一件事情那样,还唾沫四溅地把栎本栏杆大吹特吹了一通。在下楼为菲利普开门的瞬间,他又迫使菲利普当场对那过梁上的精致雕花啧啧称赞了一番。这幢房子坐落在昌策里巷和霍尔本路之间的一条小街上,样子寒伧,极需油漆,不过因为它历史悠久,倒也显得庄严。这幢房子一度颇为时髦,但眼下却比贫民窟好不了多少。据说有计划要把它推倒,在原址造几幢漂亮的办公大楼。再说,房租低廉,因此阿特尔涅的那点工资,还能够付他一家赁住的楼上两层房间所需的租金。阿特尔涅站直身子是啥模样,菲利普还从没见到过呢。这时候,他看到阿特尔涅竟这么矮小,不由得吃了一惊。他身高至多不过五英尺五英寸。他的装束奇形怪状:下身套了条只有法国工人才穿的蓝色亚麻布裤子,上身穿了件棕色天鹅绒旧外套,腰间束了根鲜红的饰带,衣领很矮,所谓领带,是一个飘垂着的蝴蝶结,而这种领带只有(笨拙》杂志画页上的法国小丑才系。他热情地欢迎菲利普的到来,接着便迫不及待地谈起房子来了,说话的当儿,还满怀深情地用手抚摩着栏杆。

"瞧瞧这栏杆,再用手摸摸,真像一块绸子。实在是个了不起的奇迹!五年后,强盗就会拆去当柴卖罗。"

他执意要把菲利普拖到二楼一个房间里去。那里,一位只穿件衬衫的男人和一位胖墩墩的妇人正在同他们的三个孩子一道品尝星期日午餐呢。

"我把这位先生带来看看你家的天花板。你从前看过这么漂亮的天花板吗?唷,霍奇森太太,你好呀!这位是凯里先生,我住院时,就是他照顾的。"

"请进,先生,"那个男人说。"不管是谁,只要是阿特尔涅先生的朋友,我们都欢迎。阿特尔涅先生把他的朋友全都领来参观我家的天花板。不管我们在干什么,我们在睡觉也罢,我正在洗澡也罢,他都砰地一声推门直往里闯。"

菲利普看得出来,在他们这些人眼里,阿特尔涅是个怪人。不过尽管如此,他们还是很喜欢他。此时,阿特尔涅正情绪激昂地、滔滔不绝地讲解这块十七世纪就有的天花板的美妙之处,而那一家子一个个张大着嘴巴听得入了神。

"霍奇森,把这房子推倒简直是犯罪,呢,对不?你是位有影响的公民,为什么不写信给报社表示抗议呢?"

那位穿衬衫的男人呵呵笑了笑,接着面对菲利普说:

"阿特尔涅先生就喜欢开个小小的玩笑。人们都说这几幢房子不到生,还说住在这里不安全。"

"什么卫生不卫生,见鬼去吧。我要的是艺术。"阿特尔涅说。"我有九个孩子,喝的水不干不净,可一个个壮得像头牛似的。不,不行,我可不想冒险。你们那些怪念头我可不想听!搬家时,我不弄清楚这儿的水脏不脏的就决计不搬东西。"

门上响起了一记敲门声,接着一个金发小姑娘推门走进来。

"爸爸,妈妈叫你别光顾着说话,快回去吃午饭。"

"这是我的三女儿,"阿特尔涅戏剧性地伸出食指点着那小妞儿说。"她叫玛丽亚·德尔皮拉尔,不过人家叫她吉恩,她更乐意答应。吉恩,你该擤擤鼻子啦。"

"爸爸,我没有手绢儿。"

"嘘!嘘!孩子,"说话间,他变戏法似的掏出了一块漂亮的印花大手帕,"你瞧,上帝给你送什么来啦?"

他们三人上楼后,菲利普被领进一个四周嵌着深色栎本护墙板的房间。房间中央摆着一张狭长的柚木桌子,支架是活动的,由两根铁条固定着。这种式样的桌子,西班牙人管它叫mesa de hieraje。看来他们就要在这里用餐了,因为桌子上已摆好了两副餐具。桌旁还摆着两张大扶手椅,栎木扶手又宽又光滑,椅子的靠背与坐位均包着皮革。这两张椅子,朴素雅洁,但坐了并不舒适。除此以外,房间里就只有一件家具,那是bargueno,上面精心装饰着烫金铁花,座架上刻着基督教义图案,虽说粗糙了些,但图像倒还精致。顶上搁着两三只釉碟。碟子上裂缝纵横,但色彩还算鲜艳。四周墙上挂着镶在镜框里的西班牙画坛名师之作,框架虽旧但很漂亮。作品的题材令人厌恶,画面因年深日久加上保管不善已有损坏;作品所表达的思想并不高雅。尽管如此,这些作品还洋溢着一股激情。房间里再没有什么值钱的陈设了,但气氛倒还亲切可人。里面弥漫着既堂皇又淳朴的气息。菲利普感到这正是古老的西班牙精神。阿特尔涅打开bargueno,把里面漂亮的装饰和暗抽屉一一指给菲利普看。就在这个时候,一个身材修长、背后垂着两根棕色发辫的姑娘一脚跨了进来。

"妈妈说午饭做好了,就等你们二位了。你们一坐好,我就把饭菜端进来。"

"莎莉,过来呀,同这位凯里先生握握手,"他掉过脸去,面对菲利普说。"她长得个儿大不大?她是我最大的孩子。你多大啦,莎莉?"

"爸爸,到六月就十五岁了。"

"我给她取了个教名,叫玛丽亚·德尔索尔。因为她是我的第一个孩子,我就把她献给荣耀的卡斯蒂尔的太阳神。可她妈妈却叫她莎莉,她弟弟管她叫布丁脸。"

那姑娘羞赧地微笑着,露出了那口齐整洁白的牙齿,双颊泛起了两朵红晕。她身材苗条,按年龄来说,个儿很高。她长着一对褐色的眸子,额头宽阔,面颊红扑扑的。

"快去叫你妈妈上这儿来,趁凯里先生还没有坐下来用饭,先跟他握个手。"

"妈妈说一吃过中饭就来。她还没梳洗呢。"

"那好,我们这就去看她。凯里先生不握一下那双做约克郡布丁的手决不能吃。"

菲利普尾随着主人走进厨房,只见厨房不大,可里面的人倒不少,显得过分拥挤。孩子们吵着、嚷着,可一见来了个陌生人,戛然平静下来了,厨房中央摆着一张大桌子,四周坐着阿特尔涅的儿女们,一个个伸长脖子等吃。一位妇人正俯身在锅灶上把烤好的马铃薯取出来。

"贝蒂,凯里先生看你来了,"阿特尔涅通报了一声。

"亏你想得出来的,把他带到这儿来。晓得人家会怎么想?"

阿特尔涅太太身上系了条脏围裙,棉布上衣的袖子卷到胳膊肘,头夹满了卷发用的夹子。她身材修长,比她丈夫高出足有三英寸。她五官端正,长着一对蓝眼睛,一脸的慈善相。她年轻时模样儿挺标致的,但岁月不饶人,再加上接连不断的生养孩子,目下身体发胖,显得臃肿,那对蓝眸子失却了昔日的光彩,皮肤变得通红、粗糙,原先富有色泽的青丝也黯然失色。这时候,阿特尔涅太太直起腰来,撩起围裙擦了擦手,随即向菲利普伸过手去。

"欢迎,欢迎,先生,"她低声地招呼着。菲利普心中好生奇怪,觉得她的口音太熟悉了。"听阿特尔涅回来说,在医院里你待他可好啦。"

"现在该让你见见我那些小畜生了,"阿特尔涅说。"那是索普,"他说着用手指了指那个长着一头鬈发的胖小子,"他是我的长子,也是我的头衔、财产和义务的继承者。"接着他伸出食指点着其他三个小男孩。他们一个个长得挺结实,小脸蛋红扑扑的,挂着微笑。当菲利普笑眯眯地望着他们时,他们都难为情地垂下眼皮,盯视着各自面前的盘子。"现在我按大小顺序给你介绍一下我的女儿们:玛丽亚·德尔索尔……"

"布丁脸!"一个小男孩冲口喊了一声。

"我的儿呀,你的幽默也太差劲了。玛丽亚·德洛斯梅塞德斯、玛丽亚·德尔皮拉尔、玛丽亚·德拉孔塞普西翁、玛丽亚·罗萨里奥。"

"我管她们叫莎莉、莫莉、康尼、露茜和吉恩,"阿特尔涅太太接着说。

"嘿,阿特尔涅,你们二位先回你的房间,我马上给端饭菜去。我把孩子们流洗好后,就让他们到你那儿去。"

"亲爱的,如果让我给你起个名字的话,我一定给你起个'肥皂水玛丽亚'。你老是用肥皂来折磨这些可怜的娃娃。"

"凯里先生,请先走一步,要不我怎么也没办法叫他安安稳稳地坐下来吃饭的。"

阿特尔涅和菲利普两人刚在那两张僧侣似的椅子上坐定,莎莉就端来了两大盘牛肉、约克郡布丁、烤马铃薯和白菜。阿特尔涅从口袋里掏出六便士,吩咐莎莉去打壶啤酒来。

"我希望你不是特地为我才在这儿吃饭,"菲利普说。"其实跟孩子们在一起吃,我一定会很高兴的。"

"嗳,不是这么回事,我平时一直是一个人在这个房间里用餐的。我就喜欢保持这古老的习俗。我认为女人不应该同男人坐在一张桌子上吃饭。那样的话,我们的谈兴都给搅了。再说,那样对她们也没有好处。我们说的话会被她们听见的。女人一有思想,可就不安分守己罗。"

宾主两人都吃得津津有味。

"你从前吃过这样的布丁吗?谁做都赶不上我太太做得好。这倒是不娶阔小姐为妻的一大优点。你一定注意到我太太不是位名门淑女了吧?"

这个问题把菲利普弄得尴尬极了,他不知怎么回答才好。

"我可不曾想过这方面的问题,"他笨嘴拙舌地回答了一句。

阿特尔涅哈哈大笑,笑声爽朗,颇具特色。

"不,她可不是富家小姐,连一点点小姐的影子都没有。她父亲是个农夫,可她这辈子从来不为生活操心。我们一共生了十二个孩子,只活了九个。我总是叫她赶快停止,别再生了,可她这个死女人太顽固了。现在她已经养成习惯了,就是生了二十个,找还不知道她是否就心满意足了呢。"

就在这个时候,莎莉手捧啤酒走了进来,随即给菲利普斟了一杯,然后走到桌子的另一边给她父亲倒酒。阿特尔涅用手勾住了她的腰。

"你对曾见过这么漂亮、高大的姑娘吗?才十五岁,可看上去像是二十岁了。瞧她的脸蛋儿。她长这么大,连一天病也没生过。谁娶了她真够走运的,是不,莎莉?"

莎莉所惯了父亲的这种调侃的话,所以并不觉得难堪,只是默默地听着,脸上露出淡淡的、稳重的笑意。她那种大方中略带几分羞赧的神情倒怪逗人疼爱的。

"当心别让饭菜凉了,爸爸,"她说着便从她父亲的怀抱里挣脱开去。"要吃布丁,就叫我一声,好不好?"

房间里就剩下他们两位。阿特尔涅端起锡酒杯,深深地喝了一大口。

"我说呀,世上还有比英国的啤酒更好喝的酒吗?"他说。"感谢上帝赐予我们欢乐、烤牛肉、米粉布醒、好胃口和啤酒。找曾经娶过一个阔女人。哦,找的上帝!千万别娶阔女人为妻,我的老弟。"

菲利普不由得哈哈笑了起来。这个场面、这位装束古怪令人发笑的小矮个儿,这嵌有护墙板的房间、西班牙式样的家具和英国风味的食物,这一切无不使得菲利普陶醉。这儿的一切是那么的不协调,却又是雅趣横生,妙不可言。

"我的老弟,你刚才之所以笑,是因为你不屑娶一位比你地位低的女人为妻的缘故。你想娶个同你一样的知书识理的妻子。你的脑子里塞满了什么志同道合之类的念头。那完全是一派胡言,我的老弟!一个男人总不见得去同他的妻子谈论政治吧。难道你还认为我在乎贝蒂对微分学有什么看法吗?一个男人只要一位能为他做饭、看孩子的妻子。名门闺秀和平民女子我都娶过,个中的滋味我清楚着哪。我们叫莎莉送布丁来吧。"

说罢,阿特尔涅两手拍了几下,莎莉应声走了进来。她动手收盘子时,菲利普刚要站起来帮忙,却被阿特尔涅一把拦住了。

"让她自个儿收拾好了,我的老弟。她可不希望你无事自扰。对不,莎莉?再说,她也不会因为她伺候而你却坐着就认为你太粗鲁无礼的。她才不在乎什么骑士风度呢。我的话对不,莎莉?"

"对,爸爸,"莎莉一字一顿地回答道。

"我讲的你都懂吗,莎莉?"

"不懂,爸爸。不过你可知道妈妈不喜欢你赌咒发誓的。"

阿特尔涅扯大嗓门格格笑着。莎莉给他们送来两盘油汪汪、香喷喷、味儿甘美的米粉布丁。阿特尔涅津津有味地吃着自己的一份布丁。

"鄙人家里有个规矩,就是星期天这顿中饭决不能更改。这是一种礼仪。一年五十个星期天,都得吃烤牛肉和米粉布丁。复活节日那天,吃羔羊肉和青豆。在米迦勒节,我们就吃烤鹅和苹果酱。我们就这样来保持我们民族的传统。莎莉出嫁后,会把我教给她的许多事情都忘掉的,可有一件事她决不会忘,就是若要日子过得美满幸福,那就必须在星期天吃烤牛肉和米粉布丁。"

"要奶酪的话,就喊我一声,"莎莉随便地说。

"你可晓得有关翠鸟的传说吗?"阿特尔涅问道。对他这种跳跃性的谈话方式,菲利普渐渐也习惯了。"翠鸟在大海上空飞翔的过程中乏力时,它的配偶便钻到它身子底下,用其强劲有力的翅膀托着它继续向前飞去。一个男人也正希望自己的妻子能像那只雌翠鸟那样。我同前妻在一起生活了三年。她是个阔小姐,每年有一千五百镑的进帐。因此,我们当时经常在肯辛顿大街上那幢小红砖房里举办小型宴会。她颇有几分姿色,令人销魂。人们都是这么说的,比如那些同我们一道吃过饭的律师和他们的太太啦,作家代理人啦,初出茅庐的政客啦,等等,他们都这么夸她。哦,她长得风姿绰约,夺人魂魄。她让我戴了绸帽穿上大礼服上教堂。她带我去欣赏古典音乐。她还喜欢在星期天下午去听讲演。她每天早晨八点半吃早饭。要是我迟了,就吃凉的。她读正经书,欣赏正经画,喜欢听正经的音乐。上帝啊,这个女人真叫我讨厌!现在她的姿色依然不减当年。她仍旧住在肯辛顿大街上的那幢小红砖房里。房子四周墙壁贴满了莫里斯的文章和韦斯特勒的蚀刻画。她还是跟二十年前一样,从冈特商店里买回小牛奶油和冰块在家举行小型宴会。"

菲利普并没有问这对毫不相配的夫妇俩后来是怎么分居的,但阿特尔涅本人却主动为他提供了答案。

"要晓得,贝蒂并不是我的妻子。我的妻子就是不肯同我离婚。几个孩子也混帐透顶,没一个是好东西。他们那么坏又怎么样呢?那会儿贝蒂是那里的女用人之一。四五年前,我一贫如洗,陷入了困境,可还得负担七个孩子的生活。于是我去求我妻子帮我一把。可她却说,只要我撇下贝蒂跑到国外去,她就给我一笔钱。你想,我忍心这么做吗?有段时间,我们常常饿肚子。可我妻子却说我就爱着贫民窟呐。我失魂落魄,潦倒不堪。我现在在亚麻制品公司当新闻代理人,每周拿三镑工资。尽管如此,我每天都向上帝祈祷,谢天谢地我总算离开了肯辛顿大街上的那幢小小的红砖房。"

莎莉进来送茄达奶酪,但阿特尔涅仍旧滔滔不绝地说着:

"认为一个人有了钱才能养家活口,这是世界上最大的错误。你需要钱把你的子女培养成绅士和淑女,可我并不希望我的孩子们成为淑女和绅士。再过一年,莎莉就要出去自己混饭吃。她将去学做裁缝。对不,莎莉?至于那几个男孩,到时都得去为大英帝国效劳。我想叫他们都去当海军。那里的生活非常有趣,也很有意义。再说,那儿伙食好,待遇高,最后还有一笔养老金供他们养老送终。"

菲利普点燃了烟斗,而阿特尔涅吸着自己用哈瓦那烟丝卷成的香烟。此时,莎莉已把桌子收拾干净。菲利普默默无言,心里却为自己与闻阿特尔涅家庭隐私而感到很不自在。阿特尔涅一副外国人的相貌,个头虽小,声音却非常洪亮,好夸夸其谈,说话时还不时加重语气,以示强调,这一切无不令人瞠目吃惊。菲利普不由得想起了业已作古的克朗肖。阿特尔涅似乎同克朗肖相仿佛,也善于独立思考,性格豪放不羁,但性情显然要比克朗肖开朗欢快。然而,他的脑子要粗疏些,对抽象的理性的东西毫不感兴趣,可克朗肖正由于这一点才使得他的谈话娓娓动听、引人入胜。阿特。尔涅声称自己是乡下显赫望族的后裔,并为之感到自豪。他把一幢伊丽莎白时代的别墅的几张照片拿出来给菲利普看,并对菲利普说:

"我的老弟,阿特尔涅家几代人在那儿生活了七个世纪。啊,要是你能亲眼看到那儿的壁炉和天花板,该多有意思呀!"

护墙板的镶装那儿有个小橱。阿特尔涅从橱子里取出一本家谱。他仿佛是个稚童,怀着扬扬得意的心情把家谱递给了菲利普。那本家谱看上去怪有气派的。

"你瞧,家族的名字是怎么重现的吧:索普、阿特尔斯坦、哈罗德、爱德华。我就用家族的名字给我的儿子们起名。至于那几个女儿,你瞧,我都给她们起了西班牙名字。"

菲利普心中倏忽生出一种不安来,担心阿特尔涅的那席话说不定是他精心炮制的谎言。他那样说倒并不是出于一种卑劣的动机,不过是出于一种炫耀自己、使人惊羡的欲望而已。阿特尔涅自称是温切斯特公学的弟子。这一点瞒不过菲利普,因为他对人们仪态方面的差异是非常敏感的。他总觉得他这位主人的身上丝毫没有在一所享有盛誉的公学受过教育的气息。阿特尔涅津津有味地叙说他的祖先同哪些高贵门第联姻的趣闻逸事,可就在这时,菲利普却在一旁饶有兴味地作着种种猜测,心想阿特尔涅保不住是温切斯特某个商人--不是煤商就是拍卖商--的儿子呢;他同那个古老的家族之间的唯一关系保不住仅是姓氏碰巧相同罢了,可他却拿着该家族的家谱在人前大肆张扬,不住炫耀。


wj宝宝

ZxID:11619415


等级: 内阁元老
青春又回来了嘛(*^▽^*)
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chapter 86

In the spring Philip, having finished his dressing in the out-patients’ department, became an in-patients’ clerk. This appointment lasted six months. The clerk spent every morning in the wards, first in the men’s, then in the women’s, with the house-physician; he wrote up cases, made tests, and passed the time of day with the nurses. On two afternoons a week the physician in charge went round with a little knot of students, examined the cases, and dispensed information. The work had not the excitement, the constant change, the intimate contact with reality, of the work in the out-patients’ department; but Philip picked up a good deal of knowledge. He got on very well with the patients, and he was a little flattered at the pleasure they showed in his attendance on them. He was not conscious of any deep sympathy in their sufferings, but he liked them; and because he put on no airs he was more popular with them than others of the clerks. He was pleasant, encouraging, and friendly. Like everyone connected with hospitals he found that male patients were more easy to get on with than female. The women were often querulous and ill-tempered. They complained bitterly of the hard-worked nurses, who did not show them the attention they thought their right; and they were troublesome, ungrateful, and rude.

Presently Philip was fortunate enough to make a friend. One morning the house-physician gave him a new case, a man; and, seating himself at the bedside, Philip proceeded to write down particulars on the ‘letter.’ He noticed on looking at this that the patient was described as a journalist: his name was Thorpe Athelny, an unusual one for a hospital patient, and his age was forty-eight. He was suffering from a sharp attack of jaundice, and had been taken into the ward on account of obscure symptoms which it seemed necessary to watch. He answered the various questions which it was Philip’s duty to ask him in a pleasant, educated voice. Since he was lying in bed it was difficult to tell if he was short or tall, but his small head and small hands suggested that he was a man of less than average height. Philip had the habit of looking at people’s hands, and Athelny’s astonished him: they were very small, with long, tapering fingers and beautiful, rosy finger-nails; they were very smooth and except for the jaundice would have been of a surprising whiteness. The patient kept them outside the bed-clothes, one of them slightly spread out, the second and third fingers together, and, while he spoke to Philip, seemed to contemplate them with satisfaction. With a twinkle in his eyes Philip glanced at the man’s face. Notwithstanding the yellowness it was distinguished; he had blue eyes, a nose of an imposing boldness, hooked, aggressive but not clumsy, and a small beard, pointed and gray: he was rather bald, but his hair had evidently been quite fine, curling prettily, and he still wore it long.

‘I see you’re a journalist,’ said Philip. ‘What papers d’you write for?’

‘I write for all the papers. You cannot open a paper without seeing some of my writing.’ There was one by the side of the bed and reaching for it he pointed out an advertisement. In large letters was the name of a firm well-known to Philip, Lynn and Sedley, Regent Street, London; and below, in type smaller but still of some magnitude, was the dogmatic statement: Procrastination is the Thief of Time. Then a question, startling because of its reasonableness: Why not order today? There was a repetition, in large letters, like the hammering of conscience on a murderer’s heart: Why not? Then, boldly: Thousands of pairs of gloves from the leading markets of the world at astounding prices. Thousands of pairs of stockings from the most reliable manufacturers of the universe at sensational reductions. Finally the question recurred, but flung now like a challenging gauntlet in the lists: Why not order today?

‘I’m the press representative of Lynn and Sedley.’ He gave a little wave of his beautiful hand. ‘To what base uses...’

Philip went on asking the regulation questions, some a mere matter of routine, others artfully devised to lead the patient to discover things which he might be expected to desire to conceal.

‘Have you ever lived abroad?’ asked Philip.

‘I was in Spain for eleven years.’

‘What were you doing there?’

‘I was secretary of the English water company at Toledo.’

Philip remembered that Clutton had spent some months in Toledo, and the journalist’s answer made him look at him with more interest; but he felt it would be improper to show this: it was necessary to preserve the distance between the hospital patient and the staff. When he had finished his examination he went on to other beds.

Thorpe Athelny’s illness was not grave, and, though remaining very yellow, he soon felt much better: he stayed in bed only because the physician thought he should be kept under observation till certain reactions became normal. One day, on entering the ward, Philip noticed that Athelny, pencil in hand, was reading a book. He put it down when Philip came to his bed.

‘May I see what you’re reading?’ asked Philip, who could never pass a book without looking at it.

Philip took it up and saw that it was a volume of Spanish verse, the poems of San Juan de la Cruz, and as he opened it a sheet of paper fell out. Philip picked it up and noticed that verse was written upon it.

‘You’re not going to tell me you’ve been occupying your leisure in writing poetry? That’s a most improper proceeding in a hospital patient.’

‘I was trying to do some translations. D’you know Spanish?’

‘No.’

‘Well, you know all about San Juan de la Cruz, don’t you?’

‘I don’t indeed.’

‘He was one of the Spanish mystics. He’s one of the best poets they’ve ever had. I thought it would be worth while translating him into English.’

‘May I look at your translation?’

‘It’s very rough,’ said Athelny, but he gave it to Philip with an alacrity which suggested that he was eager for him to read it.

It was written in pencil, in a fine but very peculiar handwriting, which was hard to read: it was just like black letter.

‘Doesn’t it take you an awful time to write like that? It’s wonderful.’

‘I don’t know why handwriting shouldn’t be beautiful.’ Philip read the first verse:

In an obscure night With anxious love inflamed O happy lot! Forth unobserved I went, My house being now at rest...

Philip looked curiously at Thorpe Athelny. He did not know whether he felt a little shy with him or was attracted by him. He was conscious that his manner had been slightly patronising, and he flushed as it struck him that Athelny might have thought him ridiculous.

‘What an unusual name you’ve got,’ he remarked, for something to say.

‘It’s a very old Yorkshire name. Once it took the head of my family a day’s hard riding to make the circuit of his estates, but the mighty are fallen. Fast women and slow horses.’

He was short-sighted and when he spoke looked at you with a peculiar intensity. He took up his volume of poetry.

‘You should read Spanish,’ he said. ‘It is a noble tongue. It has not the mellifluousness of Italian, Italian is the language of tenors and organ-grinders, but it has grandeur: it does not ripple like a brook in a garden, but it surges tumultuous like a mighty river in flood.’

His grandiloquence amused Philip, but he was sensitive to rhetoric; and he listened with pleasure while Athelny, with picturesque expressions and the fire of a real enthusiasm, described to him the rich delight of reading Don Quixote in the original and the music, romantic, limpid, passionate, of the enchanting Calderon.

‘I must get on with my work,’ said Philip presently.

‘Oh, forgive me, I forgot. I will tell my wife to bring me a photograph of Toledo, and I will show it you. Come and talk to me when you have the chance. You don’t know what a pleasure it gives me.’

During the next few days, in moments snatched whenever there was opportunity, Philip’s acquaintance with the journalist increased. Thorpe Athelny was a good talker. He did not say brilliant things, but he talked inspiringly, with an eager vividness which fired the imagination; Philip, living so much in a world of make-believe, found his fancy teeming with new pictures. Athelny had very good manners. He knew much more than Philip, both of the world and of books; he was a much older man; and the readiness of his conversation gave him a certain superiority; but he was in the hospital a recipient of charity, subject to strict rules; and he held himself between the two positions with ease and humour. Once Philip asked him why he had come to the hospital.

‘Oh, my principle is to profit by all the benefits that society provides. I take advantage of the age I live in. When I’m ill I get myself patched up in a hospital and I have no false shame, and I send my children to be educated at the board-school.’

‘Do you really?’ said Philip.

‘And a capital education they get too, much better than I got at Winchester. How else do you think I could educate them at all? I’ve got nine. You must come and see them all when I get home again. Will you?’

‘I’d like to very much,’ said Philip.



第八十六章

转眼间,春天到了。外科门诊部的敷裹工作一结束,菲利普便上住院部当助手。这项工作要延续半年之久。每天上午,助手都得同住院医生一道去查巡病房,先是男病房,然后是女病房。他得登录病情,替病人体检,接着便同护士们在一起消磨时光。每周两个下午,值班医师带领几名助手查巡病房,研究病情,给助手们传授医疗知识。这里可不像门诊部,工作显得平淡、单调,同实际挂得不紧。尽管如此,菲利普还是学到了不少东西。他同病人们相处得很融洽,看到病人们张着笑脸欢迎他去护理他们,颇有点沾沾自喜哩。其实,他对病人的痛痒也不见得有多深的同情,不过他很喜欢他们,在人前从不摆架子。因此,他比其他几位助手要得人心。菲利普性情和顺,待人厚道,言语暖人心窝。正如每一个同医院有关系的人一样,菲利普也发觉男病人比女病人要容易相处些。女病人动辄发牢骚,脾气环透了。她们常常言词刻薄地抱怨疲于奔命的护士们,责怪护土对她们照顾不周。她们一个个都是令人头痛的、没心没肝的臭婆娘。

菲利普真够幸运的,没隔多久就交上了一位朋友。一天上午,住院医生把一位新来的男病人交给了菲利普。菲利普坐在床沿上,着手往病历卡里记载病人的病情细节。在看病历卡的当儿,菲利普发觉这位病人是位新闻记者,名字叫索普·阿特尔涅,年纪四十八,这倒是位并不常见的住院病人。该病人的黄疽病突然发作,而且来势还很猛。鉴于病状不明显,似有必要作进一步观察,就被送进病房里来了。菲利普出于职业需要,用一种悦耳动听的、富有教养的语调问了一连串问题,病人都一一作了回答。索普·阿特尔涅躺在床上,因此一下子很难断定他是高是矮。不过那小小的脑瓜和一双小手表明他个儿中等偏矮。菲利普有种观察别人的手的习惯,而眼下阿特尔涅的那双手使他看了感到十分惊奇:一双纤小的手,细长、尖削的手指顶端长着秀美的玫瑰色指甲,皮肤很细腻,要不是身患黄疽病的缘故,肤色定是白得出奇。阿特尔涅把手放在被子上面,其中一只手稍稍张着,而无名指和中指并拢着,一边在跟菲利普说着话,一边似乎还颇得意地端详着他的手指呢。菲利普忽闪着晶莹发亮的眼睛,扫视了一下对方的脸盘。尽管脸色苍黄,但仍不失为一张生动的脸。眸子蓝蓝的,鼻子显眼地凸露着,鼻尖呈钩状,虽说样子有点吓人,倒也不难看。一小撮花白胡须翘翘的。脑顶心秃得很厉害。不过他原来显然长着一头浓密的鬈发,还挺秀气的哩。眼下他还蓄着长发。

"我想你是当记者的,"菲利普开腔说。"你为哪家报纸撰稿呀?"

"不管哪家报纸,我都给他们写稿。没有一家报纸打开来看不到我的文章的。"

此时床边就有一张报纸,阿特尔涅伸手指了指报纸上的广告。只见报上用大号铅字赫然印着那家菲利普熟悉的公司的名称:莱恩-赛特笠公司位于伦敦雷根林大街。下面紧接着是司空见惯的广告:拖延就是偷盗时间。字体虽比上面的略小些,但也够突兀显眼的了。接下去是一个问题,因其问得合情合理,故显得触目惊心:为什么不今天就订货?接着又用大号字体重复了"为什么不呢?"这五个大字,字字犹如一把把榔头,在敲击着时间偷盗者的良心。下面是几行大字:以高得惊人的价格从世界各主要市场购进千万副手套。宇内几家最可靠的制造商出产的千万双长统袜大减价。广告最后又重复了"为什么不今天就订货?"这个问题,不过,这次字体写得就像竞技场中的武土用的臂铠似的。

"我是莱恩-赛特笠公司的新闻代理人。"阿特尔涅在作自我介绍的当儿,还挥了挥他那漂亮的手。

菲利普接着问些普普通通的问题,其中有些不过是些日常琐事,而有些则是精心设计的,巧妙地诱使这位病人吐出他或许不想披露的事情来。

"你到过外国吗?"菲利普问道。

"曾在西班牙呆过十一年。""

"在那儿干啥来着?"

"在托莱多的英国水利公司当秘书。"。

此时,菲利普想起克拉顿也曾在托莱多呆过几个月。听了这位记者的答话,菲利普怀着更浓的兴趣注视着他。但是,他又感到自己如此情感毕露很不合适,因为作为医院的一名职员,他有必要同住院病人保持一定距离。于是,他给阿特尔涅检查完毕后,便走向别的病床。

索普·阿特尔涅的病情并不严重,虽说肤色还是很黄,但他很快就感觉好多了。他之所以还卧床不起,是因为医生认为某些反应趋于正常之前,他还得接受观察。一天,菲利普走进病房时,发现阿特尔涅手里拿着支铅笔,正在看书。菲利普走到他的床前时,他突然啪地合上书本。

"我可以看看你读的书吗?"菲利普问道,他这个人一瞧见书不翻阅一下是不会罢休的。

菲利普拿起那本书,发觉是册西班牙诗集,都是圣胡安·德拉克鲁斯写的。在他翻开诗集的当儿,一张纸片从书里掉了出来。菲利普拾起一看,原来纸上写着一首诗呢。

"你总不能说你这是借定诗来消闲吧?对一位住院病人来说,做这种事是最不合适的。"

"我这是试着搞些诗歌翻译。你懂西班牙语吗?"

"不懂。"

"嗯,有关圣胡安·德拉克鲁斯的事儿,你都知道啰,对不?"

"我真的一无所知。"

"他是西班牙的神秘人物之一,也是西班牙出类拔萃的诗人之一。我认为把他的诗译成英语倒挺有意思的。"

"我拜读一下你的译搞好吗?"

"译稿还很粗糙。"阿特尔涅嘴上这么说,可他的手还是把译稿递到了菲利普的面前,其动作之快,正表明他巴不得菲利普一读呢。

译稿是用铅笔写的,字体清秀,但很古怪,像是一堆黑体活字,难以辨认。

"你把字写成这样,是不是要花很多时间呀?你的字漂亮极了。"

"我不明白为什么不应该把字写得漂亮些呢?"

菲利普读着阿特尔涅泽的第一首诗:

夜深了,

月色正朦胧;

心田欲火熊熊,

喔,幸福的心情难以形容!

趁一家人睡意正浓,

我悄然向前步履匆匆……

菲利普闪烁着好奇的目光打量着索普·阿待尔涅。他说不清自己在他面前是有点儿羞怯呢,还是被他深深吸引住了。蓦地,他觉悟到自己的态度一直有些儿傲慢。当想到阿特尔涅可能觉得他可笑时,菲利普不觉脸上一阵发臊。

"你的名字起得真特别,"菲利普终于开腔说话了,不过总得找些话聊聊呀。

"阿特尔涅这个姓在约克郡可是个极为古老的名门望族的姓氏。我一家之长出去巡视他的家产,一度要骑上整整一大的马,可后来家道中落,一蹶不振。钱都在放浪的女人身上和赛马赌博上头挥霍光了。"

阿特尔涅眼睛近视,在说话的时候,两眼古怪地眯缝着,使劲地瞅着别人。他拿起了那部诗集。

"你应该学会西班牙语,"阿特尔涅对菲利普说。"西班牙语是一种高雅的语言,虽没有意大利语那么流畅,因为意大利语是那些男高音歌手和街上手转风琴师们使用的语言,但是气势宏伟。它不像花园里的小溪发出的潺潺流水声,而是像大江涨潮时汹涌澎湃的波涛声。"

他那不无夸张的话语把菲利普给逗笑了,不过菲利普还是颇能领略他人讲话的妙处的。阿特尔涅说话时眉飞色舞,热情洋溢,滔滔不绝地给菲利普讲述着阅读《堂吉诃德》原著的无比的快乐,还侃侃谈论着令人着迷的考德隆的文体清晰,富有节奏、激情和传奇色彩的剧作。此时此刻,菲利普在一旁饶有兴味地聆听着。

"哦,我得干事去了,"突然,菲利普说了一句。

"喔,请原谅,我忘了。我将叫我妻子给我送张托莱多的照片来,到时一定拿给你瞧瞧。有机会就过来跟我聊聊。你不知道,跟你在一起聊天我有多高兴啊。"

在以后的几大里,菲利普一有机会就跑去看望阿特尔涅,因此两人的友情与日俱增。索普·阿特尔涅可谓伶牙俐齿的,谈吐虽不怎么高明,但个时地闪烁着激发人想象力的火花,倒蛮鼓舞人心的。菲利普在这个虚假的世界上生活了这么多年之后,发觉自己的脑海里涌现出许许多多前所未有的崭新画面。阿特尔涅态度落落大方,无论是人情世故还是书本知识,都比菲利普懂得多。他比菲利普年长多岁。他谈话侃侃,颇有一种长者风度。可眼下,他人在医院,是个慈善领受者,凡事都得遵循严格的规章制度。他对这两种身分所处的不同的地位,却能应付自如,而且还不无幽默感。一次,菲利普问他为何要住进医院。

"哦,尽可能地享用社会所能提供的福利,这就是我的生活准则。我得好好利用我所赖以生存的这个时代。病了,就进医院歇着。我可不讲虚假的面子。我还把孩子都送进寄宿学校读书呢。"

"真的呀?"菲利普问了一声。

"他们还受到了起码的教育,比起我在温切斯特受到的教育,不知要强多少倍呢。你想想看,除了这一着,我还能有别的什么办法使他们得到教育呢?我一共有九个孩子哪。我出院回家后,你一定得上我家去见见他们。好吗?"

"非常愿意,"菲利普连声答道。


wj宝宝

ZxID:11619415


等级: 内阁元老
青春又回来了嘛(*^▽^*)
举报 只看该作者 87楼  发表于: 2014-08-29 0



chapter 85

About a fortnight after this Philip, going home one evening after his day’s work at the hospital, knocked at the door of Cronshaw’s room. He got no answer and walked in. Cronshaw was lying huddled up on one side, and Philip went up to the bed. He did not know whether Cronshaw was asleep or merely lay there in one of his uncontrollable fits of irritability. He was surprised to see that his mouth was open. He touched his shoulder. Philip gave a cry of dismay. He slipped his hand under Cronshaw’s shirt and felt his heart; he did not know what to do; helplessly, because he had heard of this being done, he held a looking-glass in front of his mouth. It startled him to be alone with Cronshaw. He had his hat and coat still on, and he ran down the stairs into the street; he hailed a cab and drove to Harley Street. Dr. Tyrell was in.

‘I say, would you mind coming at once? I think Cronshaw’s dead.’

‘If he is it’s not much good my coming, is it?’

‘I should be awfully grateful if you would. I’ve got a cab at the door. It’ll only take half an hour.’

Tyrell put on his hat. In the cab he asked him one or two questions.

‘He seemed no worse than usual when I left this morning,’ said Philip. ‘It gave me an awful shock when I went in just now. And the thought of his dying all alone.... D’you think he knew he was going to die?’

Philip remembered what Cronshaw had said. He wondered whether at that last moment he had been seized with the terror of death. Philip imagined himself in such a plight, knowing it was inevitable and with no one, not a soul, to give an encouraging word when the fear seized him.

‘You’re rather upset,’ said Dr. Tyrell.

He looked at him with his bright blue eyes. They were not unsympathetic. When he saw Cronshaw, he said:

‘He must have been dead for some hours. I should think he died in his sleep. They do sometimes.’

The body looked shrunk and ignoble. It was not like anything human. Dr. Tyrell looked at it dispassionately. With a mechanical gesture he took out his watch.

‘Well, I must be getting along. I’ll send the certificate round. I suppose you’ll communicate with the relatives.’

‘I don’t think there are any,’ said Philip.

‘How about the funeral?’

‘Oh, I’ll see to that.’

Dr. Tyrell gave Philip a glance. He wondered whether he ought to offer a couple of sovereigns towards it. He knew nothing of Philip’s circumstances; perhaps he could well afford the expense; Philip might think it impertinent if he made any suggestion.

‘Well, let me know if there’s anything I can do,’ he said.

Philip and he went out together, parting on the doorstep, and Philip went to a telegraph office in order to send a message to Leonard Upjohn. Then he went to an undertaker whose shop he passed every day on his way to the hospital. His attention had been drawn to it often by the three words in silver lettering on a black cloth, which, with two model coffins, adorned the window: Economy, Celerity, Propriety. They had always diverted him. The undertaker was a little fat Jew with curly black hair, long and greasy, in black, with a large diamond ring on a podgy finger. He received Philip with a peculiar manner formed by the mingling of his natural blatancy with the subdued air proper to his calling. He quickly saw that Philip was very helpless and promised to send round a woman at once to perform the needful offices. His suggestions for the funeral were very magnificent; and Philip felt ashamed of himself when the undertaker seemed to think his objections mean. It was horrible to haggle on such a matter, and finally Philip consented to an expensiveness which he could ill afford.

‘I quite understand, sir,’ said the undertaker, ‘you don’t want any show and that—I’m not a believer in ostentation myself, mind you—but you want it done gentlemanly-like. You leave it to me, I’ll do it as cheap as it can be done, ‘aving regard to what’s right and proper. I can’t say more than that, can I?’

Philip went home to eat his supper, and while he ate the woman came along to lay out the corpse. Presently a telegram arrived from Leonard Upjohn.

Shocked and grieved beyond measure. Regret cannot come tonight. Dining out. With you early tomorrow. Deepest sympathy. Upjohn.

In a little while the woman knocked at the door of the sitting-room.

‘I’ve done now, sir. Will you come and look at ‘im and see it’s all right?’

Philip followed her. Cronshaw was lying on his back, with his eyes closed and his hands folded piously across his chest.

‘You ought by rights to ‘ave a few flowers, sir.’

‘I’ll get some tomorrow.’

She gave the body a glance of satisfaction. She had performed her job, and now she rolled down her sleeves, took off her apron, and put on her bonnet. Philip asked her how much he owed her.

‘Well, sir, some give me two and sixpence and some give me five shillings.’

Philip was ashamed to give her less than the larger sum. She thanked him with just so much effusiveness as was seemly in presence of the grief he might be supposed to feel, and left him. Philip went back into his sitting-room, cleared away the remains of his supper, and sat down to read Walsham’s Surgery. He found it difficult. He felt singularly nervous. When there was a sound on the stairs he jumped, and his heart beat violently. That thing in the adjoining room, which had been a man and now was nothing, frightened him. The silence seemed alive, as if some mysterious movement were taking place within it; the presence of death weighed upon these rooms, unearthly and terrifying: Philip felt a sudden horror for what had once been his friend. He tried to force himself to read, but presently pushed away his book in despair. What troubled him was the absolute futility of the life which had just ended. It did not matter if Cronshaw was alive or dead. It would have been just as well if he had never lived. Philip thought of Cronshaw young; and it needed an effort of imagination to picture him slender, with a springing step, and with hair on his head, buoyant and hopeful. Philip’s rule of life, to follow one’s instincts with due regard to the policeman round the corner, had not acted very well there: it was because Cronshaw had done this that he had made such a lamentable failure of existence. It seemed that the instincts could not be trusted. Philip was puzzled, and he asked himself what rule of life was there, if that one was useless, and why people acted in one way rather than in another. They acted according to their emotions, but their emotions might be good or bad; it seemed just a chance whether they led to triumph or disaster. Life seemed an inextricable confusion. Men hurried hither and thither, urged by forces they knew not; and the purpose of it all escaped them; they seemed to hurry just for hurrying’s sake.

Next morning Leonard Upjohn appeared with a small wreath of laurel. He was pleased with his idea of crowning the dead poet with this; and attempted, notwithstanding Philip’s disapproving silence, to fix it on the bald head; but the wreath fitted grotesquely. It looked like the brim of a hat worn by a low comedian in a music-hall.

‘I’ll put it over his heart instead,’ said Upjohn.

‘You’ve put it on his stomach,’ remarked Philip.

Upjohn gave a thin smile.

‘Only a poet knows where lies a poet’s heart,’ he answered.

They went back into the sitting-room, and Philip told him what arrangements he had made for the funeral.

‘I hoped you’ve spared no expense. I should like the hearse to be followed by a long string of empty coaches, and I should like the horses to wear tall nodding plumes, and there should be a vast number of mutes with long streamers on their hats. I like the thought of all those empty coaches.’

‘As the cost of the funeral will apparently fall on me and I’m not over flush just now, I’ve tried to make it as moderate as possible.’

‘But, my dear fellow, in that case, why didn’t you get him a pauper’s funeral? There would have been something poetic in that. You have an unerring instinct for mediocrity.’

Philip flushed a little, but did not answer; and next day he and Upjohn followed the hearse in the one carriage which Philip had ordered. Lawson, unable to come, had sent a wreath; and Philip, so that the coffin should not seem too neglected, had bought a couple. On the way back the coachman whipped up his horses. Philip was dog-tired and presently went to sleep. He was awakened by Upjohn’s voice.

‘It’s rather lucky the poems haven’t come out yet. I think we’d better hold them back a bit and I’ll write a preface. I began thinking of it during the drive to the cemetery. I believe I can do something rather good. Anyhow I’ll start with an article in The Saturday.’

Philip did not reply, and there was silence between them. At last Upjohn said:

‘I daresay I’d be wiser not to whittle away my copy. I think I’ll do an article for one of the reviews, and then I can just print it afterwards as a preface.’

Philip kept his eye on the monthlies, and a few weeks later it appeared. The article made something of a stir, and extracts from it were printed in many of the papers. It was a very good article, vaguely biographical, for no one knew much of Cronshaw’s early life, but delicate, tender, and picturesque. Leonard Upjohn in his intricate style drew graceful little pictures of Cronshaw in the Latin Quarter, talking, writing poetry: Cronshaw became a picturesque figure, an English Verlaine; and Leonard Upjohn’s coloured phrases took on a tremulous dignity, a more pathetic grandiloquence, as he described the sordid end, the shabby little room in Soho; and, with a reticence which was wholly charming and suggested a much greater generosity than modesty allowed him to state, the efforts he made to transport the Poet to some cottage embowered with honeysuckle amid a flowering orchard. And the lack of sympathy, well-meaning but so tactless, which had taken the poet instead to the vulgar respectability of Kennington! Leonard Upjohn described Kennington with that restrained humour which a strict adherence to the vocabulary of Sir Thomas Browne necessitated. With delicate sarcasm he narrated the last weeks, the patience with which Cronshaw bore the well-meaning clumsiness of the young student who had appointed himself his nurse, and the pitifulness of that divine vagabond in those hopelessly middle-class surroundings. Beauty from ashes, he quoted from Isaiah. It was a triumph of irony for that outcast poet to die amid the trappings of vulgar respectability; it reminded Leonard Upjohn of Christ among the Pharisees, and the analogy gave him opportunity for an exquisite passage. And then he told how a friend—his good taste did not suffer him more than to hint subtly who the friend was with such gracious fancies—had laid a laurel wreath on the dead poet’s heart; and the beautiful dead hands had seemed to rest with a voluptuous passion upon Apollo’s leaves, fragrant with the fragrance of art, and more green than jade brought by swart mariners from the manifold, inexplicable China. And, an admirable contrast, the article ended with a description of the middle-class, ordinary, prosaic funeral of him who should have been buried like a prince or like a pauper. It was the crowning buffet, the final victory of Philistia over art, beauty, and immaterial things.

Leonard Upjohn had never written anything better. It was a miracle of charm, grace, and pity. He printed all Cronshaw’s best poems in the course of the article, so that when the volume appeared much of its point was gone; but he advanced his own position a good deal. He was thenceforth a critic to be reckoned with. He had seemed before a little aloof; but there was a warm humanity about this article which was infinitely attractive.



第八十五章

半个月以后的一天黄昏,菲利普从医院下班回到寓所,敲了敲克朗肖的房门,见里面没有动静,便推门走了进去。克朗肖蜷曲着身子侧卧着,菲利普来到床头前。他不知克朗肖是在睡梦中呢,还是同往常一样,只是躺在床上生闷气。看到他的嘴巴张着,菲利普不由得一惊。他摸了摸克朗肖的肩头,不禁惊叫了起来,连忙把手伸进克朗肖的衬衫底下试试心跳,他一下呆住了,惶然不知所措。绝望之中,他掏出镜子放在克朗肖的嘴上,因为他曾经听说以前人们也是这样做的。看到自己独自同克朗肖的尸体呆在一起,菲利普感到惊恐不安。他身上衣帽齐全,便噔噔跑下楼去,来到街上,跳上一辆马车,直奔哈利大街。幸好蒂勒尔大夫在家。

"嘿,请你立即跟我走一趟好吧?我想克朗肖已经死了。"

"他死了,我去也没多大用处,对不?"

"你能陪我走一趟,我将感激不尽。我已叫了辆马车,就停在门口。只消半个小时,你就可以回来的。"

蒂勒尔戴上了帽子。在马车里,他问了菲利普一两个问题。

"今天早晨我走的时候,他的病情也不见得比平时环呀,"菲利普告诉蒂勒尔大夫说。"可是我刚才走进他的房间时,可把我吓了一跳。想想看,他临终时身旁连一个人也没有……您认为当时他知道自己要死吗?"

这时,克朗肖先前说过的话儿又回响在菲利普的耳边,他暗自思忖着,不知克朗肖在生命即将终止的那一刹那,有没有被死亡的恐惧所吓倒。菲利普设想着自己处于同样的境地,面对死神的威胁,必然会惊惶失色,更何况克朗肖临终时,身边连一个安慰的人都没有哇。

"你的心情很不好,"蒂勒尔大夫说。

蒂勒尔大夫睁着晶莹闪烁的蓝眼睛凝视着菲利普,目光中流露出同情的神色。

他在看过克朗肖的尸体后对菲利普说:

"他已经死了好几个钟头了。我认为他是在睡眠中死去的。病人有时候是这样咽气的。"

克朗肖的躯体缩作一团,不堪人目,没有一点人样。蒂勒尔大夫平心静气地盯视着尸体,接着下意识地掏出怀表瞥了一眼。

"嗯,我得走了。待会儿我派人给你送死亡证明书来。我想你该给他的亲属报丧。"

"我想他并没有什么亲属,"菲利普答了一句。

"那葬礼怎么办?"

"喔,这由我来操持。"

蒂勒尔大夫朝菲利普瞥了一眼,肚里盘算着他该不该为葬礼掏几个英镑。他对菲利普的经济状况一无所知,说不定菲利普完全有能力承担这笔费用,要是这时他提出掏钱的话,菲利普兴许会觉得此举太不礼貌。

"唔,有什么要我帮忙的,尽管说好了,"他最后说了这么一句。

菲利普陪他走到门口,两人便分手了。菲利普径直去电报局拍了个电报,向伦纳德·厄普姜报丧。然后,菲利普去找殡仪员。每天上医院时,菲利普都得经过这位殡仪员的店面,橱窗里一块黑布上写的"经济、迅速、得体"六个银光闪闪的大字,陈列在橱窗里的两口棺材模型,常常吸引住他的注意力。这位殡仪员是个矮胖的犹太人,一头黑色鬈发,又长又油腻,在一根粗壮的手指上套了只钻石戒指。他用一种既颐指气使又神情温和的态度接待了上门来的菲利普。他不久便发觉菲利普一筹莫展,于是答应立即派个妇人去张罗必不可少的事宜。他建议举办的葬礼颇有些气派;而菲利普看到这位殡仪员似乎认为他的异议有些儿吝啬,不觉自惭形秽起来。为这区区小事而同他讨价还价,实在有失体面。因此,菲利普最后同意承担这笔他根本承担不起的费用。

"我很理解您的心情,先生,"殡仪员说,"您不希望大肆铺张--而我自己也不喜欢摆阔讲场面--可是,您希望把事情办得体体面面的呀。您尽管放心,把事情交给我好了。我一定尽力让您少花钱,而把事情办得既妥帖又得体。我就说这么些,也没别的可说了。"

菲利普回家吃晚饭。在这当儿,那个妇人上门来陈殓克朗肖的遗体。不一会儿,伦纳德·厄普姜打来的电报送到了。

惊悉噩耗,痛悼不已。今晚外出聚餐,不能前往,颇为遗憾。明日一早见您。深表同情。厄普姜。

没隔多久,那位妇人笃笃敲着起居室的房门。

"先生,我于完了。您是否进去瞧他一眼,看我做的合适不?"

菲利普尾随她走了进去。克朗肖仰面直挺挺地躺着,两眼紧闭,双手虔诚地交叉着放在胸口。

"按理说,您该在他身边放上些鲜花,先生。"

"我明天就去弄些来。"

那位妇人向那具僵直的躯体投去满意的一瞥。她已经履行了自己的职责,便捋下袖管,解开围裙,戴上无檐软帽。菲利普问她要多少工钱。

"嗯,先生,有给两先令六便士的,也有给五先令的。"

菲利普满面赧颜地递给那位妇人不到五个先令的工钱,而她却以与菲利普眼下所怀有的莫大的哀痛相称的心情连声道谢,随即便告退了。菲利普仍旧回到起居室,收拾掉晚饭留下来的剩菜残汤,坐下来阅读沃尔沙姆撰写的《外科学》。他发现这本书很难懂。他感到自己内心异常紧张,楼梯上一有响声,便从坐位上惊起,那颗心突突乱跳不止。隔壁房间里的东西,原先还是个人,可眼下却化作乌有,使得他心里充满惊悸。罩着房间的沉寂气氛仿佛也有生命似的,里面像是有个神秘物在悄然移动着;死亡的阴影沉重地压迫着这套房问,令人不可思议,森然可怖。菲利普为了曾经是他朋友的那个人而蓦地生出一种恐惧感。他力图迫使自己专心致志地读书,但过了没多一会,他便绝望地把书推开了。刚刚结束的那条生命毫无价值,这一点使得他心烦意乱。问题倒并不在克朗肖是死还是依旧活着,哪怕世界上从来就没有克朗肖这么个人,情况还是如此。菲利普想起了青年时代的克朗肖,然而要在自己脑海里勾勒出身材细长、步履轻快有力、脑袋覆着头发、意气风发、充满了信心的克朗肖来,还得作一番想象才行呢。在这里,菲利普的人生准则--即如同附近的警察那样凭本能行事--却未能奏效。这是因为克朗肖生前举行的也是这套人生准则,但他到头来还是令人可悲可叹地失败了。看来人的本能不足信。菲利普不禁觉得偶然。他扪心自问,要是那套人生准则不能奏效,那么还有什么样的人生准则呢?为什么人们往往采取这一种方式而不采取另一种方式行事呢?人们是凭自己的情感去行动的,但是他们的情感有时能是好的,也有可能是坏的呀。看来,他们的情感是把他们引向成功还是毁灭,纯粹是偶然的际遇而已。人生像是一片无法摆脱的混浊。人们在这种无形的力量的驱使下四处奔波,但是对这样做的目的何在,他们却一个也回答不出,似乎只是为了奔波而奔波。

翌日清晨,伦纳德·厄普姜手持一个用月桂树枝扎成的小花圈来到菲利普的寓所。他对自己向逝去的诗人敬献这样的花圈的做法颇为得意,不顾菲利普无声的反感,试着把花圈套在克朗肖的秃头上,可那模样儿实在不雅,看上去就像跳舞厅里卑劣的小丑戴的帽子的帽檐。

"我去把它拿下来,重新放在他的心口,"厄普姜说。

"可你却把花圈放到他的肚子上去了,"菲利普说。

厄普姜听后淡然一笑。

"只有诗人才知道诗人的心在哪里,"他接着回答道。

他们俩一起回到起居室。菲利普把葬礼的筹备情况告诉了厄普姜。

"我希望你不要心疼花钱。我喜欢灵枢后面有一长队空马车跟随着,还要让所有的马匹全都装饰着长长的随风飘摇的羽翎,送葬队伍里应该包括一大批哑巴,他们头戴系有长长飘带的帽子。我很欣赏空马车的想法。"

"葬礼的一切开销显然将落在我的肩上,可目前我手头并不宽裕,因此我想尽量压缩葬礼的规模。"

"但是,我亲爱的老兄,那你为何不把葬礼办得像是给一位乞丐送葬那样呢?那样的话,或者还有点儿诗意呢。你就是有一种在办平庸的事业方面从来不会有过错的本能。"

菲利普脸红了,但并没有搭腔。翌日,他同厄普姜一道坐在他出钱雇来的马车里,跟在灵枢的后面。劳森不能亲自前来,送来了只花圈,以示哀悼。为了不使灵枢显得太冷清,菲利普自己掏钱买了一对花圈。在回来的路上,马车夫不时挥鞭策马奔驰。菲利普心力交瘁,顿时酣然人睡了。后来他被厄普姜的说话声唤醒了。

"幸好他的诗集还没有出。我想,我们还是把诗集推迟一点出版的好。这样,我可以为诗集作序。我在去墓地的途中就开始考虑这个问题。我相信我能够做件非常好的事。不管怎么说,作为开头,先为《星期六评论》杂志写篇文章。"

菲利普没有接他的话茬。马车里一片沉静。最后还是厄普姜开腔说:

"我要充分利用我写的文章的想法恐怕还是比较明智的。我想为几家评论杂志中的一家写篇文章,然后将此文作为诗集的前言再印一次。"

菲利普密切注视着所有的杂志,几个星期以后,厄普姜的文章终于面世了。那篇文章似乎还掀起了一阵波动,许多家报纸还竞相摘要刊登呢。这确实是篇妙文,还略带传记的性质,因为很少有人了解克朗肖的早期生活。文章构思精巧,口气亲切动人,语言也十分形象生动。伦纳德·厄普姜撷取克朗肖在拉丁区与人交谈和吟诗作赋的几个镜头,以其缠绕繁复的笔调,将它们描绘得有声有色,风雅别致;经他笔下生花,克朗肖的形象顿时栩栩如生,跃然纸上,变成了英国的凡莱恩。他描写了克朗肖的凄惨的结局,以及那个坐落在索霍区的寒熗的小阁楼;他还允许自己有节制地陈述为说服那位诗人移居一间坐落在百花争艳的果园、掩映在忍冬树树荫里的村舍所作的种种努力,他那严谨的态度着实令人神魂颠倒,使人想起他的为人岂止是谦逊,简直是豁达大度。写到这里的时候,伦纳德·厄普姜添枝加叶,大肆渲染,其措词显得端庄却又战战兢兢,虽夸张却又委婉动人。然而有人却缺乏同情心,虽出于好心但却又不老练,把这位诗人带上了俗不可耐却体面的肯宁顿大街!伦纳德·厄普姜之所以用那种有所克制的诙谐的口气描写肯宁顿大街,是因为恪守托马斯·希朗爵士的遣词造句的风格所必须的。他还巧妙地用一种讽刺的口吻叙述了克朗肖生前最后三个星期的情况,说什么克朗肖以极大的耐心忍受了那位自命为他的看护的青年学生,那位青年学生好心却办了环事。还叙述了那位天才的流浪者在那不可救药的中产阶级氛围中的可怜的境遇。他还引用了艾赛亚的名言"美自灰烬出"来比喻克朗肖。对那位为社会所遗弃的诗人竟死在那俗不可耐的体面的氛围之中,这一反语运用得妙极了,这使得伦纳德·厄普姜想起了耶稣基督置身于法利赛人中间的情景来,而这一联想又给了他一个略显文采的机会写下一段字字玑珠的佳文。接着他又告诉读者,说逝者的一位朋友把一个月桂树枝编成的花圈安放在仙逝的诗人的心口。在讲述这一雅致的想象时,他那高雅的情趣竟使他能容忍仅仅暗示了一下而没有直接点明这位朋友是谁。还说死者的那秀美的双手以一种诱人情欲勃发的姿态安放在阿波罗的月桂枝上。这些月桂枝散发着艺术的幽香。它比那些精明的水手从物产丰富的、令人不可思议的中国带回来的绿宝石还要绿。跟上文相比,文章的结尾更有画龙点睛之妙。他详细叙述了为他举行的中产阶级的平淡无奇、毫无诗意的葬礼的情况,本来对像克朗肖这样的诗人,要不就应该像安葬王子那样,要不就该像埋葬一个乞丐那样举行葬礼的。这是一次登峰造极的打击,是腓力斯人对艺术、美和非物质的事物取得了最后胜利。

伦纳德·厄普姜从未写出过这么好的文章。这篇文章堪称富有风韵、文雅和怜悯的奇作。在文章中间,他不时引用了克朗肖写得最好的诗句,因此,当克朗肖诗集出版时,诗集的灵魂早已被抽去了,但是他却把自己的观点发挥得淋漓尽致。就这样,他成了一名引人瞩目的评论家。以前他看上去似乎有些傲气,但是,这篇文章里却充满了暖人心扉的人情味,使人读来趣味隽永,爱不释手。


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