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Chapter 24
If Peshawar was the city that reminded me of what Kabul used to be, then Islamabad was the city Kabul could have become someday. The streets were wider than Peshawar's, cleaner, and lined with rows of hibiscus and flame trees. The bazaars were more organized and not nearly as clogged with rickshaws and pedestrians. The architecture was more elegant too, more modern, and I saw parks where roses and jasmine bloomed in the shadows of trees.
Farid found a small hotel on a side street running along the foot of the Margalla Hills. We passed the famous Shah Faisal Mosque on the way there, reputedly the biggest mosque in the world, with its giant concrete girders and soaring minarets. Sohrab perked up at the sight of the mosque, leaned out of the window and looked at it until Farid turned a corner.
THE HOTEL ROOM was a vast improvement over the one in Kabul where Farid and I had stayed. The sheets were clean, the carpet vacuumed, and the bathroom spotless. There was shampoo, soap, razors for shaving, a bathtub, and towels that smelled like lemon. And no bloodstains on the walls. One other thing: a television set sat on the dresser across from the two single beds.
"Look!?I said to Sohrab. I turned it on manually--no remote--and turned the dial. I found a children's show with two fluffy sheep puppets singing in Urdu. Sohrab sat on one of the beds and drew his knees to his chest. Images from the TV reflected in his green eyes as he watched, stone-faced, rocking back and forth. I remembered the time I'd promised Hassan I'd buy his family a color TV when we both grew up.
"I'll get going, Amir agha,?Farid said.
"Stay the night,?I said. "It's a long drive. Leave tomorrow.?
"Tashakor,?he said. "But I want to get back tonight. I miss my children.?On his way out of the room, he paused in the doorway. "Good-bye, Sohrab jan,?he said. He waited for a reply, but Sohrab paid him no attention. Just rocked back and forth, his face lit by the silver glow of the images flickering across the screen.
Outside, I gave him an envelope. When he tore it, his mouth opened.
"I didn't know how to thank you,?I said. "You've done so much for me.?
"How much is in here??Farid said, slightly dazed.
"A little over two thousand dollars.?
"Two thou--?he began. His lower lip was quivering a little. Later, when he pulled away from the curb, he honked twice and waved. I waved back. I never saw him again.
I returned to the hotel room and found Sohrab lying on the bed, curled up in a big C. His eyes were closed but I couldn't tell if he was sleeping. He had shut off the television. I sat on my bed and grimaced with pain, wiped the cool sweat off my brow. I wondered how much longer it would hurt to get up, sit down, roll over in bed. I wondered when I'd be able to eat solid food. I wondered what I'd do with the wounded little boy lying on the bed, though a part of me already knew.
There was a carafe of water on the dresser. I poured a glass and took two of Armand's pain pills. The water was warm and bitter. I pulled the curtains, eased myself back on the bed, and lay down. I thought my chest would rip open. When the pain dropped a notch and I could breathe again, I pulled the blanket to my chest and waited for Armand's pills to work.
WHEN I WOKE UP, the room was darker. The slice of sky peeking between the curtains was the purple of twilight turning into night. The sheets were soaked and my head pounded. I'd been dreaming again, but I couldn't remember what it had been about.
My heart gave a sick lurch when I looked to Sohrab's bed and found it empty I called his name. The sound of my voice startled me. It was disorienting, sitting in a dark hotel room, thousands of miles from Home, my body broken, calling the name of a boy I'd only met a few days ago. I called his name again and heard nothing. I struggled out of bed, checked the bathroom, looked in the narrow hallway outside the room. He was gone.
I locked the door and hobbled to the manager's office in the lobby, one hand clutching the rail along the walkway for support. There was a fake, dusty palm tree in the corner of the lobby and flying pink flamingos on the wallpaper. I found the hotel manager reading a newspaper behind the Formica-topped check-in counter. I described Sohrab to him, asked if he'd seen him. He put down his paper and took off his reading glasses. He had greasy hair and a square-shaped little mustache speckled with gray. He smelled vaguely of some tropical fruit I couldn't quite recognize.
"Boys, they like to run around,?he said, sighing. "I have three of them. All day they are running around, troubling their mother.?He fanned his face with the newspaper, staring at my jaws.
"I don't think he's out running around,?I said. "And we're not from here. I'm afraid he might get lost.?
He bobbed his head from side to side. "Then you should have kept an eye on the boy, mister.?
"I know,?I said. "But I fell asleep and when I woke up, he was gone.?
"Boys must be tended to, you know.?
"Yes,?I said, my pulse quickening. How could he be so oblivious to my apprehension? He shifted the newspaper to his other hand, resumed the fanning. "They want bicycles now?
"Who??
"My boys,?he said. "They're saying, ‘Daddy, Daddy, please buy us bicycles and we'll not trouble you. Please, Daddy!?He gave a short laugh through his nose. "Bicycles. Their mother will kill me, I swear to you.?
I imagined Sohrab lying in a ditch. Or in the trunk of some car, bound and gagged. I didn't want his blood on my hands. Not his too. "Please...?I said. I squinted. Read his name tag on the lapel of his short-sleeve blue cotton shirt. "Mr. Fayyaz, have you seen him??
"The boy??
I bit down. "Yes, the boy! The boy who came with me. Have you seen him or not, for God's sake??
The fanning stopped. His eyes narrowed. "No getting smart with me, my friend. I am not the one who lost him.?
That he had a point did not stop the blood from rushing to my face. "You're right. I'm wrong. My fault. Now, have you seen him??
"Sorry,?he said curtly. He put his glasses back on. Snapped his newspaper open. "I have seen no such boy.?
I stood at the counter for a minute, trying not to scream. As I was exiting the lobby, he said, "Any idea where he might have wandered to??
"No,?I said. I felt tired. Tired and scared.
"Does he have any interests??he said. I saw he had folded the paper. "My boys, for example, they will do anything for American action films, especially with that Arnold ??WThatsanegger--?
"The mosque!?I said. "The big mosque.?I remembered the way the mosque had jolted Sohrab from his stupor when we'd driven by it, how he'd leaned out of the window looking at it.
"Shah Faisal??
"Yes. Can you take me there??
"Did you know it's the biggest mosque in the world??he asked.
"No, but--?
"The courtyard alone can fit forty thousand people.?
"Can you take me there??
"It's only a kilometer from here,?he said. But he was already pushing away from the counter.
"I'll pay you for the ride,?I said.
He sighed and shook his head. "Wait here.?He disappeared into the back room, returned wearing another pair of eyeglasses, a set of keys in hand, and with a short, chubby woman in an orange sari trailing him. She took his seat behind the counter. "I don't take your money,?he said, blowing by me. "I will drive you because I am a father like you.?
I THOUGHT WE'D END UP DRIVING around the city until night fell. I saw myself calling the police, describing Sohrab to them under Fayyaz's reproachful glare. I heard the officer, his voice tired and uninterested, asking his obligatory questions. And beneath the official questions, an unofficial one: Who the hell cared about another dead Afghan kid?
But we found him about a hundred yards from the mosque, sitting in the half-full parking lot, on an island of grass. Fayyaz pulled up to the island and let me out. "I have to get back,?he said.
"That's fine. We'll walk back,?I said. "Thank you, Mr. Fayyaz. Really.?
He leaned across the front seat when I got out. "Can I say something to you??
"Sure.?
In the dark of twilight, his face was just a pair of eyeglasses reflecting the fading light. "The thing about you Afghanis is that... well, you people are a little reckless.?
I was tired and in pain. My jaws throbbed. And those damn wounds on my chest and stomach felt like barbed wire under my skin. But I started to laugh anyway.
"What... what did I...?Fayyaz was saying, but I was cackling by then, full-throated bursts of laughter spilling through my wired mouth.
"Crazy people,?he said. His tires screeched when he peeled away, his tail-lights blinking red in the dimming light.
"You GAVE ME A GOOD SCARE,?I said. I sat beside him, wincing with pain as I bent.
He was looking at the mosque. Shah Faisal Mosque was shaped like a giant tent. Cars came and went; worshipers dressed in white streamed in and out. We sat in silence, me leaning against the tree, Sohrab next to me, knees to his chest. We listened to the call to prayer, watched the building's hundreds of lights come on as daylight faded. The mosque sparkled like a diamond in the dark. It lit up the sky, Sohrab's face.
"Have you ever been to Mazar-i-Sharif??Sohrab said, his chin resting on his kneecaps.
"A long time ago. I don't remember it much.?
"Father took me there when I was little. Mother and Sasa came along too. Father bought me a monkey from the bazaar. Not a real one but the kind you have to blow up. It was brown and had a bow tie.?
"I might have had one of those when I was a kid.?
"Father took me to the Blue Mosque,?Sohrab said. "I remember there were so many pigeons outside the masjid, and they weren't afraid of people. They came right up to us. Sasa gave me little pieces of _naan_ and I fed the birds. Soon, there were pigeons cooing all around me. That was fun.?
"You must miss your parents very much,?I said. I wondered if he'd seen the Taliban drag his parents out into the street. I hoped he hadn't.
"Do you miss your parents??he aked, resting his cheek on his knees, looking up at me.
"Do I miss my parents? Well, I never met my mother. My father died a few years ago, and, yes, I do miss him. Sometimes a lot.?
"Do you remember what he looked like??
I thought of Baba's thick neck, his black eyes, his unruly brown hair. Sitting on his lap had been like sitting on a pair of tree trunks. "I remember what he looked like,?I said. "What he smelled like too.?
"I'm starting to forget their faces,?Sohrab said. "Is that bad??
"No,?I said. "Time does that.?I thought of something. I looked in the front pocket of my coat. Found the Polaroid snap shot of Hassan and Sohrab. "Here,?I said.
He brought the photo to within an inch of his face, turned it so the light from the mosque fell on it. He looked at it for a long time. I thought he might cry, but he didn't. He just held it in both hands, traced his thumb over its surface. I thought of a line I'd read somewhere, or maybe I'd heard someone say it: There are a lot of children in Afghanistan, but little childhood. He stretched his hand to give it back to me.
"Keep it,?I said. "It's yours.?
"Thank you.?He looked at the photo again and stowed it in the pocket of his vest. A horse-drawn cart clip-clopped by in the parking lot. Little bells dangled from the horse's neck and jingled with each step.
"I've been thinking a lot about mosques lately,?Sohrab said.
"You have? What about them??
He shrugged. "Just thinking about them.?He lifted his face, looked straight at me. Now he was crying, softly, silently. "Can I ask you something, Amir agha??
"Of course.?
"Will God...?he began, and choked a little. "Will God put me in hell for what I did to that man??
I reached for him and he flinched. I pulled back. "Nay. Of course not,?I said. I wanted to pull him close, hold him, tell him the world had been unkind to him, not the other way around.
His face twisted and strained to stay composed. "Father used to say it's wrong to hurt even bad people. Because they don't know any better, and because bad people sometimes become good.?
"Not always, Sohrab.?
He looked at me questioningly.
"The man who hurt you, I knew him from many years ago,?I said. "I guess you figured that out that from the conversation he and I had. He... he tried to hurt me once when I was your age, but your father saved me. Your father was very brave and he was always rescuing me from trouble, standing up for me. So one day the bad man hurt your father instead. He hurt him in a very bad way, and I... I couldn't save your father the way he had saved me.?
"Why did people want to hurt my father??Sohrab said in a wheezy little voice. "He was never mean to anyone.?
"You're right. Your father was a good man. But that's what I'm trying to tell you, Sohrab jan. That there are bad people in this world, and sometimes bad people stay bad. Sometimes you have to stand up to them. What you did to that man is what I should have done to him all those years ago. You gave him what he deserved, and he deserved even more.?
"Do you think Father is disappointed in me??
"I know he's not,?I said. "You saved my life in Kabul. I know he is very proud of you for that.?
He wiped his face with the sleeve of his shirt. It burst a bubble of spittle that had formed on his lips. He buried his face in his hands and wept a long time before he spoke again. "I miss Father, and Mother too,?he croaked. "And I miss Sasa and Rahim Khan sahib. But sometimes I'm glad they're not ... they're not here anymore.?
"Why??I touched his arm. He drew back.
"Because--?he said, gasping and hitching between sobs, "because I don't want them to see me... I'm so dirty.?He sucked in his breath and let it out in a long, wheezy cry. "I'm so dirty and full of sin.?
"You're not dirty, Sohrab,?I said.
"Those men--?
"You're not dirty at all.?
?-they did things... the bad man and the other two... they did things... did things to me.?
"You're not dirty, and you're not full of sin.?I touched his arm again and he drew away. I reached again, gently, and pulled him to me. "I won't hurt you,?I whispered. "I promise.?He resisted a lit tle. Slackened. He let me draw him to me and rested his head on my chest. His little body convulsed in my arms with each sob.
A kinship exists between people who've fed from the same breast. Now, as the boy's pain soaked through my shirt, I saw that a kinship had taken root between us too. What had happened in that room with Assef had irrevocably bound us.
I'd been looking for the right time, the right moment, to ask the question that had been buzzing around in my head and keep ing me up at night. I decided the moment was now, right here, right now, with the bright lights of the house of God shining on us.
"Would you like to come live in America with me and my wife??
He didn't answer. He sobbed into my shirt and I let him.
FOR A WEEK, neither one of us mentioned what I had asked him, as if the question hadn't been posed at all. Then one day, Sohrab and I took a taxicab to the Daman-e-Koh Viewpoint--or "the hem of the mountain.?Perched midway up the Margalla Hills, it gives a panoramic view of Islamabad, its rows of clean, tree-lined avenues and white houses. The driver told us we could see the presidential palace from up there. "If it has rained and the air is clear, you can even see past Rawalpindi,?he said. I saw his eyes in his rearview mirror, skipping from Sohrab to me, back and forth, back and forth. I saw my own face too. It wasn't as swollen as before, but it had taken on a yellow tint from my assortment of fading bruises.
We sat on a bench in one of the picnic areas, in the shade of a gum tree. It was a warm day, the sun perched high in a topaz blue sky. On benches nearby, families snacked on samosas and pakoras. Somewhere, a radio played a Hindi song I thought I remembered from an old movie, maybe Pakeeza. Kids, many of them Sohrab's age, chased soccer balls, giggling, yelling. I thought about the orphanage in Karteh-Seh, thought about the rat that had scurried between my feet in Zaman's office. My chest tightened with a surge of unexpected anger at the way my countrymen were destroying their own land.
"What??Sohrab asked. I forced a smile and told him it wasn't important.
We unrolled one of the hotel's bathroom towels on the picnic table and played panjpar on it. It felt good being there, with my half brother's son, playing cards, the warmth of the sun patting the back of my neck. The song ended and another one started, one I didn't recognize.
"Look,?Sohrab said. He was pointing to the sky with his cards. I looked up, saw a hawk circling in the broad seamless sky. "Didn't know there were hawks in Islamabad,?I said.
"Me neither,?he said, his eyes tracing the bird's circular flight. "Do they have them where you live??
"San Francisco? I guess so. I can't say I've seen too many, though.?
"Oh,?he said. I was hoping he'd ask more, but he dealt another hand and asked if we could eat. I opened the paper bag and gave him his meatball sandwich. My lunch consisted of yet another cup of blended bananas and oranges--I'd rented Mrs. Fayyaz's blender for the week. I sucked through the straw and my mouth filled with the sweet, blended fruit. Some of it dripped from the corner of my lips. Sohrab handed me a napkin and watched me dab at my lips. I smiled and he smiled back.
"Your father and I were brothers,?I said. It just came out. I had wanted to tell him the night we had sat by the mosque, but I hadn't. But he had a right to know; I didn't want to hide anything anymore. "Half brothers, really. We had the same father.?
Sohrab stopped chewing. Put the sandwich down. "Father never said he had a brother.?
"That's because he didn't know.?
"Why didn't he know??
"No one told him,?I said. "No one told me either. I just found out recently.?
Sohrab blinked. Like he was looking at me, really looking at me, for the very first time. "But why did people hide it from Father and you??
"You know, I asked myself that same question the other day. And there's an answer, but not a good one. Let's just say they didn't tell us because your father and I... we weren't supposed to be brothers.?
"Because he was a Hazara??
I willed my eyes to stay on him. "Yes.?
"Did your father,?he began, eyeing his food, "did your father love you and my father equally??
I thought of a long ago day at Ghargha Lake, when Baba had allowed himself to pat Hassan on the back when Hassan's stone had outskipped mine. I pictured Baba in the hospital room, beaming as they removed the bandages from Hassan's lips. "I think he loved us equally but differently.?
"Was he ashamed of my father??
"No,?I said. "I think he was ashamed of himself.?
He picked up his sandwich and nibbled at it silently.
WE LEFT LATE THAT AFTERNOON, tired from the heat, but tired in a pleasant way. All the way back, I felt Sohrab watching me. I had the driver pull over at a store that sold calling cards. I gave him the money and a tip for running in and buying me one.
That night, we were lying on our beds, watching a talk show on TV. Two clerics with pepper gray long beards and white turbans were taking calls from the faithful all over the world. One caller from Finland, a guy named Ayub, asked if his teenaged son could go to hell for wearing his baggy pants so low the seam of his underwear showed.
"I saw a picture of San Francisco once,?Sohrab said.
"Really??
"There was a red bridge and a building with a pointy top.?
"You should see the streets,?I said.
"What about them??He was looking at me now. On the TV screen, the two mullahs were consulting each other.
"They're so steep, when you drive up all you see is the hood of your car and the sky,?I said.
"It sounds scary,?he said. He rolled to his side, facing me, his back to the TV.
"It is the first few times,?I said. "But you get used to it.?
"Does it snow there??
"No, but we get a lot of fog. You know that red bridge you saw??
"Yes.?
"Sometimes the fog is so thick in the morning, all you see is the tip of the two towers poking through.?
There was wonder in his smile. "Oh.?
"Sohrab??
"Yes.?
"Have you given any thought to what I asked you before??
His smiled faded. He rolled to his back. Laced his hands under his head. The mullahs decided that Ayub's son would go to hell after all for wearing his pants the way he did. They claimed it was in the Haddith. "I've thought about it,?Sohrab said.
"And??
"It scares me.?
"I know it's a little scary,?I said, grabbing onto that loose thread of hope. "But you'll learn English so fast and you'll get used to--?
"That's not what I mean. That scares me too, but...
"But what??
He rolled toward me again. Drew his knees up. "What if you get tired of me? What if your wife doesn't like me??
I struggled out of bed and crossed the space between us. I sat beside him. "I won't ever get tired of you, Sohrab,?I said. "Not ever. That's a promise. You're my nephew, remember? And Soraya jan, she's a very kind woman. Trust me, she's going to love you. I promise that too.?I chanced something. Reached down and took his hand. He tightened up a little but let me hold it.
"I don't want to go to another orphanage,?he said.
"I won't ever let that happen. I promise you that.?I cupped his hand in both of mine. "Come Home with me.?
His tears were soaking the pillow. He didn't say anything for a long time. Then his hand squeezed mine back. And he nodded. He nodded.
THE CONNECTION WENT THROUGH on the fourth try. The phone rang three times before she picked it up. "Hello??It was 7:30 in the evening in Islamabad, roughly about the same time in the morning in California. That meant Soraya had been up for an hour, getting ready for school.
"It's me,?I said. I was sitting on my bed, watching Sohrab sleep.
"Amir!?she almost screamed. "Are you okay? Where are you??
"I'm in Pakistan.?
"Why didn't you call earlier? I've been sick with tashweesh! My mother's praying and doing nazr every day.?
"I'm sorry I didn't call. I'm fine now.?I had told her I'd be away a week, two at the most. I'd been gone for nearly a month. I smiled. "And tell Khala Jamila to stop killing sheep.?
"What do you mean ‘fine now? And what's wrong with your voice??
"Don't worry about that for now. I'm fine. Really. Soraya, I have a story to tell you, a story I should have told you a long time ago, but first I need to tell you one thing.?
"What is it??she said, her voice lower now, more cautious.
"I'm not coming Home alone. I'm bringing a little boy with me.?I paused. "I want us to adopt him.?
"What??
I checked my watch. "I have fifty-seven minutes left on this stupid calling card and I have so much to tell you. Sit some where.?I heard the legs of a chair dragged hurriedly across the wooden floor.
"Go ahead,?she said.
Then I did what I hadn't done in fifteen years of marriage: I told my wife everything. Everything. I had pictured this moment so many times, dreaded it, but, as I spoke, I felt something lifting off my chest. I imagined Soraya had experienced something very similar the night of our khastegari, when she'd told me about her past.
By the time I was done with my story, she was weeping.
"What do you think??I said.
"I don't know what to think, Amir. You've told me so much all at once.?
"I realize that.?
I heard her blowing her nose. "But I know this much: You have to bring him Home. I want you to.?
"Are you sure??I said, closing my eyes and smiling.
"Am I sure??she said. "Amir, he's your qaom, your family, so he's my qaom too. Of course I'm sure. You can't leave him to the streets.?There was a short pause. "What's he like??
I looked over at Sohrab sleeping on the bed. "He's sweet, in a solemn kind of way.?
"Who can blame him??she said. "I want to see him, Amir. I really do.?
"Soraya??
"Yeah.?
"Dostet darum.?I love you.
"I love you back,?she said. I could hear the smile in her words. "And be careful.?
"I will. And one more thing. Don't tell your parents who he is. If they need to know, it should come from me.?
"Okay.?
We hung up.
THE LAWN OUTSIDE the American embassy in Islamabad was neatly mowed, dotted with circular clusters of flowers, bordered by razor-straight hedges. The building itself was like a lot of buildings in Islamabad: flat and white. We passed through several road blocks to get there and three different security officials conducted a body search on me after the wires in my jaws set off the metal detectors. When we finally stepped in from the heat, the airconditioning hit my face like a splash of ice water. The secretary in the lobby, a fifty-something, lean-faced blond woman, smiled when I gave her my name. She wore a beige blouse and black slacks--the first woman I'd seen in weeks dressed in something other than a burqa or a shalwar-kameez. She looked me up on the appointment list, tapping the eraser end of her pencil on the desk. She found my name and asked me to take a seat.
"Would you like some lemonade??she asked.
"None for me, thanks,?I said.
"How about your son??
"Excuse me??
"The handsome young gentleman,?she said, smiling at Sohrab.
"Oh. That'd be nice, thank you.?
Sohrab and I sat on the black leather sofa across the reception desk, next to a tall American flag. Sohrab picked up a magazine from the glass-top Coffee table. He flipped the pages, not really looking at the pictures.
"What??Sohrab said.
"Sorry??
"You're smiling.?
"I was thinking about you,?I said.
He gave a nervous smile. Picked up another magazine and flipped through it in under thirty seconds.
"Don't be afraid,?I said, touching his arm. "These people are friendly. Relax.?I could have used my own advice. I kept shifting in my seat, untying and retying my shoelaces. The secretary placed a tall glass of lemonade with ice on the Coffee table. "There you go.?
Sohrab smiled shyly. "Thank you very much,?he said in English. It came out as "Tank you wery match.?It was the only English he knew, he'd told me, that and "Have a nice day.?
She laughed. "You're most welcome.?She walked back to her desk, high heels clicking on the floor.
"Have a nice day,?Sohrab said.
RAYMOND ANDREWS was a short fellow with small hands, nails perfectly trimmed, wedding band on the ring finger. He gave me a curt little shake; it felt like squeezing a sparrow. Those are the hands that hold our fates, I thought as Sohrab and I seated our selves across from his desk. A _Les Misérables_ poster was nailed to the wall behind Andrews next to a topographical map of the U.S. A pot of tomato plants basked in the sun on the windowsill.
"Smoke??he asked, his voice a deep baritone that was at odds with his slight stature.
"No thanks,?I said, not caring at all for the way Andrews's eyes barely gave Sohrab a glance, or the way he didn't look at me when he spoke. He pulled open a desk drawer and lit a cigarette from a half-empty pack. He also produced a bottle of lotion from the same drawer. He looked at his tomato plants as he rubbed lotion into his hands, cigarette dangling from the corner of his mouth. Then he closed the drawer, put his elbows on the desktop, and exhaled. "So,?he said, crinkling his gray eyes against the smoke, "tell me your story.?
I felt like Jean Valjean sitting across from Javert. I reminded myself that I was on American soil now, that this guy was on my side, that he got paid for helping people like me. "I want to adopt this boy, take him back to the States with me,?I said.
"Tell me your story,?he repeated, crushing a flake of ash on the neatly arranged desk with his index finger, flicking it into the trash can.
I gave him the version I had worked out in my head since I'd hung up with Soraya. I had gone into Afghanistan to bring back my half brother's son. I had found the boy in squalid conditions, wasting away in an orphanage. I had paid the orphanage director a sum of money and withdrawn the boy. Then I had brought him to Pakistan.
"You are the boy's half uncle??
"Yes.?
He checked his watch. Leaned and turned the tomato plants on the sill. "Know anyone who can attest to that??
"Yes, but I don't know where he is now.?
He turned to me and nodded. I tried to read his face and couldn't. I wondered if he'd ever tried those little hands of his at poker.
"I assume getting your jaws wired isn't the latest fashion statement,?he said. We were in trouble, Sohrab and I, and I knew it then. I told him I'd gotten mugged in Peshawar.
"Of course,?he said. Cleared his throat. "Are you Muslim??
"Yes.?
"Practicing??
"Yes.?In truth, I didn't remember the last time I had laid my forehead to the ground in prayer. Then I did remember: the day Dr. Amani gave Baba his prognosis. I had kneeled on the prayer rug, remembering only fragments of verses I had learned in school.
"Helps your case some, but not much,?he said, scratching a spot on the flawless part in his sandy hair.
"What do you mean??I asked. I reached for Sohrab's hand, intertwined my fingers with his. Sohrab looked uncertainly from me to Andrews.
"There's a long answer and I'm sure I'll end up giving it to you. You want the short one first??
"I guess,?I said.
Andrews crushed his cigarette, his lips pursed. "Give it up.?
"I'm sorry??
"Your petition to adopt this young fellow. Give it up. That's my advice to you.?
"Duly noted,?I said. "Now, perhaps you'll tell me why.?
"That means you want the long answer,?he said, his voice impassive, not reacting at all to my curt tone. He pressed his hands palm to palm, as if he were kneeling before the Virgin Mary. "Let's assume the story you gave me is true, though I'd bet my pension a good deal of it is either fabricated or omitted. Not that I care, mind you. You're here, he's here, that's all that matters. Even so, your petition faces significant obstacles, not the least of which is that this child is not an orphan.?
"Of course he is.?
"Not legally he isn't.?
"His parents were executed in the street. The neighbors saw it,?I said, glad we were speaking in English.
"You have death certificates??
"Death certificates? This is Afghanistan we're talking about. Most people there don't have birth certificates.?
His glassy eyes didn't so much as blink. "I don't make the laws, sir. Your outrage notwithstanding, you still need to prove the parents are deceased. The boy has to be declared a legal orphan.?
"But--?
"You wanted the long answer and I'm giving it to you. Your next problem is that you need the cooperation of the child's country of origin. Now, that's difficult under the best of circumstances, and, to quote you, this is Afghanistan we're talking about. We don't have an American embassy in Kabul. That makes things extremely complicated. Just about impossible.?
"What are you saying, that I should throw him back on the streets??I said.
"I didn't say that.?
"He was sexually abused,?I said, thinking of the bells around Sohrab's ankles, the mascara on his eyes.
"I'm sorry to hear that,?Andrews's mouth said. The way he was looking at me, though, we might as well have been talking about the weather. "But that is not going to make the INS issue this young fellow a visa.?
"What are you saying??
"I'm saying that if you want to help, send money to a reputable relief organization. Volunteer at a refugee camp. But at this point in time, we strongly discourage U.S. citizens from attempting to adopt Afghan children.?
I got up. "Come on, Sohrab,?I said in Farsi. Sohrab slid next to me, rested his head on my hip. I remembered the Polaroid of him and Hassan standing that same way. "Can I ask you some thing, Mr. Andrews??
"Yes.?
"Do you have children??
For the first time, he blinked.
"Well, do you? It's a simple question.?
He was silent.
"I thought so,?I said, taking Sohrab's hand. "They ought to put someone in your chair who knows what it's like to want a child.?I turned to go, Sohrab trailing me.
"Can I ask you a question??Andrews called.
"Go ahead.?
"Have you promised this child you'll take him with you??
"What if I have??
He shook his head. "It's a dangerous Business, making promises to kids.?He sighed and opened his desk drawer again. "You mean to pursue this??he said, rummaging through papers.
"I mean to pursue this.?
He produced a Business card. "Then I advise you to get a good immigration lawyer. Omar Faisal works here in Islamabad. You can tell him I sent you.?
I took the card from him. "Thanks,?I muttered.
"Good luck,?he said. As we exited the room, I glanced over my shoulder. Andrews was standing in a rectangle of sunlight, absently staring out the window, his hands turning the potted tomato plants toward the sun, petting them lovingly.
"TAKE CARE,?the secretary said as we passed her desk.
"Your boss could use some manners,?I said. I expected her to roll her eyes, maybe nod in that "I know, everybody says that,?kind of way. Instead, she lowered her voice. "Poor Ray. He hasn't been the same since his daughter died.?
I raised an eyebrow.
"Suicide,?she whispered.
ON THE TAXI RIDE back to the hotel, Sohrab rested his head on the window, kept staring at the passing buildings, the rows of gum trees. His breath fogged the glass, cleared, fogged it again. I waited for him to ask me about the meeting but he didn't.
ON THE OTHER SIDE of the closed bathroom door the water was running. Since the day we'd checked into the hotel, Sohrab took a long bath every night before bed. In Kabul, hot running water had been like fathers, a rare commodity. Now Sohrab spent almost an hour a night in the bath, soaking in the soapy water, scrubbing. Sitting on the edge of the bed, I called Soraya. I glanced at the thin line of light under the bathroom door. Do you feel clean yet, Sohrab?
I passed on to Soraya what Raymond Andrews had told me. "So what do you think??I said.
"We have to think he's wrong.?She told me she had called a few adoption agencies that arranged international adoptions. She hadn't yet found one that would consider doing an Afghan adoption, but she was still looking.
"How are your parents taking the news??
"Madar is happy for us. You know how she feels about you, Amir, you can do no wrong in her eyes. Padar... well, as always, he's a little harder to read. He's not saying much.?
"And you? Are you happy??
I heard her shifting the receiver to her other hand. "I think we'll be good for your nephew, but maybe that little boy will be good for us too.?
"I was thinking the same thing.?
"I know it sounds crazy, but I find myself wondering what his favorite _qurma_ will be, or his favorite subject in school. I picture myself helping him with Homework...?She laughed. In the bathroom, the water had stopped running. I could hear Sohrab in there, shifting in the tub, spilling water over the sides.
"You're going to be great,?I said.
"Oh, I almost forgot! I called Kaka Sharif.?
I remembered him reciting a poem at our nika from a scrap of hotel stationery paper. His son had held the Koran over our heads as Soraya and I had walked toward the stage, smiling at the flashing cameras. "What did he say??
"Well, he's going to stir the pot for us. He'll call some of his INS buddies,?she said.
"That's really great news,?I said. "I can't wait for you to see Sohrab.?
"I can't wait to see you,?she said.
I hung up smiling.
Sohrab emerged from the bathroom a few minutes later. He had barely said a dozen words since the meeting with Raymond Andrews and my attempts at conversation had only met with a nod or a monosyllabic reply. He climbed into bed, pulled the blanket to his chin. Within minutes, he was snoring.
I wiped a circle on the fogged-up mirror and shaved with one of the hotel's old-fashioned razors, the type that opened and you slid the blade in. Then I took my own bath, lay there until the steaming hot water turned cold and my skin shriveled up. I lay there drifting, wondering, imagining...
OMAR FAISAL WAS CHUBBY, dark, had dimpled cheeks, black button eyes, and an affable, gap-toothed smile. His thinning gray hair was tied back in a ponytail. He wore a brown corduroy suit with leather elbow patches and carried a worn, overstuffed briefcase. The handle was missing, so he clutched the briefcase to his chest. He was the sort of fellow who started a lot of sentences with a laugh and an unnecessary apology, like I'm sorry, I'll be there at five. Laugh. When I had called him, he had insisted on coming out to meet us. "I'm sorry, the cabbies in this town are sharks,?he said in perfect English, without a trace of an accent. "They smell a foreigner, they triple their fares.?
He pushed through the door, all smiles and apologies, wheezing a little and sweating. He wiped his brow with a handkerchief and opened his briefcase, rummaged in it for a notepad and apologized for the sheets of paper that spilled on the bed. Sitting crosslegged on his bed, Sohrab kept one eye on the muted television, the other on the harried lawyer. I had told him in the morning that Faisal would be coming and he had nodded, almost asked some thing, and had just gone on watching a show with talking animals.
"Here we are,?Faisal said, flipping open a yellow legal notepad. "I hope my children take after their mother when it comes to organization. I'm sorry, probably not the sort of thing you want to hear from your prospective lawyer, heh??He laughed.
"Well, Raymond Andrews thinks highly of you.?
"Mr. Andrews. Yes, yes. Decent fellow. Actually, he rang me and told me about you.?
"He did??
"Oh yes.?
"So you're familiar with my situation.?
Faisal dabbed at the sweat beads above his lips. "I'm familiar with the version of the situation you gave Mr. Andrews,?he said. His cheeks dimpled with a coy smile. He turned to Sohrab. "This must be the young man who's causing all the trouble,?he said in Farsi.
"This is Sohrab,?I said. "Sohrab, this is Mr. Faisal, the lawyer I told you about.?
Sohrab slid down the side of his bed and shook hands with Omar Faisal. "Salaam alaykum,?he said in a low voice.
"Alaykum salaam, Sohrab,?Faisal said. "Did you know you are named after a great warrior??
Sohrab nodded. Climbed back onto his bed and lay on his side to watch TV.
"I didn't know you spoke Farsi so well,?I said in English. "Did you grow up in Kabul??
"No, I was born in Karachi. But I did live in Kabul for a number of years. Shar-e-Nau, near the Haji Yaghoub Mosque,?Faisal said. "I grew up in Berkeley, actually. My father opened a music store there in the late sixties. Free love, headbands, tiedyed shirts, you name it.?He leaned forward. "I was at Woodstock.?
"Groovy,?I said, and Faisal laughed so hard he started sweating all over again. "Anyway,?I continued, "what I told Mr. Andrews was pretty much it, save for a thing or two. Or maybe three. I'll give you the uncensored version.?
He licked a finger and flipped to a blank page, uncapped his pen. "I'd appreciate that, Amir. And why don't we just keep it in English from here on out??
"Fine.?
I told him everything that had happened. Told him about my meeting with Rahim Khan, the trek to Kabul, the orphanage, the stoning at Ghazi Stadium.
"God,?he whispered. "I'm sorry, I have such fond memories of Kabul. Hard to believe it's the same place you're telling me about.?
"Have you been there lately??
"God no.?
"It's not Berkeley, I'll tell you that,?I said.
"Go on.?
I told him the rest, the meeting with Assef, the fight, Sohrab and his slingshot, our escape back to Pakistan. When I was done, he scribbled a few notes, breathed in deeply, and gave me a sober look. "Well, Amir, you've got a tough battle ahead of you.?
"One I can win??
He capped his pen. "At the risk of sounding like Raymond Andrews, it's not likely. Not impossible, but hardly likely.?Gone was the affable smile, the playful look in his eyes.
"But it's kids like Sohrab who need a Home the most,?I said. "These rules and regulations don't make any sense to me.?
"You're preaching to the choir, Amir,?he said. "But the fact is, take current immigration laws, adoption agency policies, and the political situation in Afghanistan, and the deck is stacked against you.?
"I don't get it,?I said. I wanted to hit something. "I mean, I get it but I don't get it.?
Omar nodded, his brow furrowed. "Well, it's like this. In the aftermath of a disaster, whether it be natural or man-made--and the Taliban are a disaster, Amir, believe me--it's always difficult to ascertain that a child is an orphan. Kids get displaced in refugee camps, or parents just abandon them because they can't take care of them. Happens all the time. So the INS won't grant a visa unless it's clear the child meets the definition of an eligible orphan. I'm sorry, I know it sounds ridiculous, but you need death certificates.?
"You've been to Afghanistan,?I said. "You know how improbable that is.?
"I know,?he said. "But let's suppose it's clear that the child has no surviving parent. Even then, the INS thinks it's good adoption practice to place the child with someone in his own country so his heritage can be preserved.?
"What heritage??I said. "The Taliban have destroyed what heritage Afghans had. You saw what they did to the giant Buddhas in Bamiyan.?
"I'm sorry, I'm telling you how the INS works, Amir,?Omar said, touching my arm. He glanced at Sohrab and smiled. Turned back to me. "Now, a child has to be legally adopted according to the laws and regulations of his own country. But when you have a country in turmoil, say a country like Afghanistan, government offices are busy with emergencies, and processing adoptions won't be a top priority.?
I sighed and rubbed my eyes. A pounding headache was settling in just behind them.
"But let's suppose that somehow Afghanistan gets its act together,?Omar said, crossing his arms on his protruding belly. "It still may not permit this adoption. In fact, even the more moderate Muslim nations are hesitant with adoptions because in many of those countries, Islamic law, Shari'a, doesn't recognize adoption.?
"You're telling me to give it up??I asked, pressing my palm to my forehead.
"I grew up in the U.S., Amir. If America taught me anything, it's that quitting is right up there with pissing in the Girl Scouts?lemonade jar. But, as your lawyer, I have to give you the facts,?he said. "Finally, adoption agencies routinely send staff members to evaluate the child's milieu, and no reasonable agency is going to send an agent to Afghanistan.?
I looked at Sohrab sitting on the bed, watching TV, watching us. He was sitting the way his father used to, chin resting on one knee.
"I'm his half uncle, does that count for anything??
"It does if you can prove it. I'm sorry, do you have any papers or anyone who can support you??
"No papers,?I said, in a tired voice. "No one knew about it. Sohrab didn't know until I told him, and I myself didn't find out until recently. The only other person who knows is gone, maybe dead.?
"What are my options, Omar??
"I'll be frank. You don't have a lot of them.?
"Well, Jesus, what can I do??
Omar breathed in, tapped his chin with the pen, let his breath out. "You could still file an orphan petition, hope for the best. You could do an independent adoption. That means you'd have to live with Sohrab here in Pakistan, day in and day out, for the next two years. You could seek asylum on his behalf. That's a lengthy process and you'd have to prove political persecution. You could request a humanitarian visa. That's at the discretion of the attorney general and it's not easily given.?He paused. "There is another option, probably your best shot.?
"What??I said, leaning forward.
"You could relinquish him to an orphanage here, then file an orphan petition. Start your I-600 form and your Home study while he's in a safe place.?
"What are those??
"I'm sorry, the 1-600 is an INS formality. The Home study is done by the adoption agency you choose,?Omar said. "It's, you know, to make sure you and your wife aren't raving lunatics.?
"I don't want to do that,?I said, looking again at Sohrab. "I promised him I wouldn't send him back to an orphanage.?
"Like I said, it may be your best shot.?
We talked a while longer. Then I walked him out to his car, an old VW Bug. The sun was setting on Islamabad by then, a flaming red nimbus in the west. I watched the car tilt under Omar's weight as he somehow managed to slide in behind the wheel. He rolled down the window. "Amir??
"Yes.?
"I meant to tell you in there, about what you're trying to do? I think it's pretty great.?
He waved as he pulled away. Standing outside the hotel room and waving back, I wished Soraya could be there with me.
SOHRAB HAD TURNED OFF THE TV when l went back into the room. I sat on the edge of my bed, asked him to sit next to me. "Mr. Faisal thinks there is a way I can take you to America with me,?I said.
"He does??Sohrab said, smiling faintly for the first time in days. "When can we go??
"Well, that's the thing. It might take a little while. But he said it can be done and he's going to help us.?I put my hand on the back of his neck. From outside, the call to prayer blared through the streets.
"How long??Sohrab asked.
"I don't know. A while.?
Sohrab shrugged and smiled, wider this time. "I don't mind. I can wait. It's like the sour apples.?
"Sour apples??
"One time, when I was really little, I climbed a tree and ate these green, sour apples. My stomach swelled and became hard like a drum, it hurt a lot. Mother said that if I'd just waited for the apples to ripen, I wouldn't have become sick. So now, whenever I really want something, I try to remember what she said about the apples.?
"Sour apples,?I said. "_Mashallah_, you're just about the smartest little guy I've ever met, Sohrab jan.?His ears reddened with a blush.
"Will you take me to that red bridge? The one with the fog??he said.
"Absolutely,?I said. "Absolutely.?
"And we'll drive up those streets, the ones where all you see is the hood of the car and the sky??
"Every single one of them,?I said. My eyes stung with tears and I blinked them away.
"Is English hard to learn??
"I say, within a year, you'll speak it as well as Farsi.?
"Really??
"Yes.?I placed a finger under his chin, turned his face up to mine. "There is one other thing, Sohrab.?
"What??
"Well, Mr. Faisal thinks that it would really help if we could... if we could ask you to stay in a Home for kids for a while.?
"Home for kids??he said, his smile fading. "You mean an orphanage??
"It would only be for a little while.?
"No,?he said. "No, please.?
"Sohrab, it would be for just a little while. I promise.?
"You promised you'd never put me in one of those places, Amir agha,?he said. His voice was breaking, tears pooling in his eyes. I felt like a prick.
"This is different. It would be here, in Islamabad, not in Kabul. And I'd visit you all the time until we can get you out and take you to America.?
"Please! Please, no!?he croaked. "I'm scared of that place. They'll hurt me! I don't want to go.?
"No one is going to hurt you. Not ever again.?
"Yes they will! They always say they won't but they lie. They lie! Please, God!?
I wiped the tear streaking down his cheek with my thumb. "Sour apples, remember? It's just like the sour apples,?I said softly.
"No it's not. Not that place. God, oh God. Please, no!?He was trembling, snot and tears mixing on his face.
"Shhh.?I pulled him close, wrapped my arms around his shaking little body. "Shhh. It'll be all right. We'll go Home together. You'll see, it'll be all right.?
His voice was muffled against my chest, but I heard the panic in it. "Please promise you won't! Oh God, Amir agha! Please promise you won't!?
How could I promise? I held him against me, held him tightly, and rocked badk and forth. He wept into my shirt until his tears dried, until his shaking stopped and his frantic pleas dwindled to indecipherable mumbles. I waited, rocked him until his breathing slowed and his body slackened. I remembered something I had read somewhere a long time ago: That's how children deal with terror. They fall asleep.
I carried him to his bed, set him down. Then I lay in my own bed, looking out the window at the purple sky over Islamabad.
THE SKY WAS A DEEP BLACK when the phone jolted me from sleep. I rubbed my eyes and turned on the bedside lamp. It was a little past 10:30 P.M.; I'd been sleeping for almost three hours. I picked up the phone. "Hello??
"Call from America.?Mr. Fayyaz's bored voice.
"Thank you,?I said. The bathroom light was on; Sohrab was taking his nightly bath. A couple of clicks and then Soraya:
"Salaam!?She sounded excited.
"How did the meeting go with the lawyer??
I told her what Omar Faisal had suggested. "Well, you can forget about it,?she said. "We won't have to do that.?
I sat up. "Rawsti? Why, what's up??
"I heard back from Kaka Sharif. He said the key was getting Sohrab into the country. Once he's in, there are ways of keeping him here. So he made a few calls to his INS friends. He called me back tonight and said he was almost certain he could get Sohrab a humanitarian visa.?
"No kidding??I said. "Oh thank God! Good ol?Sharifjan!?
"I know. Anyway, we'll serve as the sponsors. It should all happen pretty quickly. He said the visa would be good for a year, plenty of time to apply for an adoption petition.?
"It's really going to happen, Soraya, huh??
"It looks like it,?she said. She sounded happy. I told her I loved her and she said she loved me back. I hung up.
"Sohrab!?I called, rising from my bed. "I have great news.?I knocked on the bathroom door. "Sohrab! Soraya jan just called from California. We won't have to put you in the orphanage, Sohrab. We're going to America, you and I. Did you hear me? We're going to America!?
I pushed the door open. Stepped into the bathroom.
Suddenly I was on my knees, screaming. Screaming through my clenched teeth. Screaming until I thought my throat would rip and my chest explode.
Later, they said I was still screaming when the ambulance arrived.
第二十四章
如果说白沙瓦让我回忆起喀布尔过去的光景，那么，伊斯兰堡就是喀布尔将来可能成为的城市。街道比白沙瓦的要宽，也更整洁，种着成排的木槿和凤凰树。市集更有秩序，而且也没有那么多行人和黄包车挡道。屋宇也更美观，更摩登，我还见到一些公园，林阴之下有蔷薇和茉莉盛开。
法里德在一条通往玛加拉山的巷道找了个小旅馆。前去的路上，我们经过著名的费萨尔清真寺，世界上最大的清真寺，香火甚旺，耸立着巨大的水泥柱和直插云霄的尖塔。看到清真寺，索拉博神色一振，趴在车窗上，一直看着它，直到法里德开车拐了个弯。
旅馆的房间比我和法里德在喀布尔住过那间好得太多了。被褥很干净，地毯用吸尘器吸过，卫生间没有污迹，里面有洗发水、香皂、刮胡刀、浴缸，有散发着柠檬香味的毛巾。
墙上没有血迹。还有，两张单人床前面的柜子上摆着个电视机。
“看！”我对索拉博说。我用手将它打开——没有遥控器，转动旋钮。我调到一个儿童节目，两只毛茸茸的卡通绵羊唱着乌尔都语歌曲。索拉博坐在床上，膝盖抵着胸膛。他看得入迷，绿眼珠反射出电视机里面的影像，前后晃动身子。我想起有一次，我承诺哈桑，在我们长大之后，要给他家里买台彩电。
“我要走了，阿米尔老爷。”法里德说。
“留下过夜吧，”我说，“路途遥远。明天再走。”
“谢谢你。”他说，“但我想今晚就回去。我想念我的孩子。”他走出房间，在门口停下来。“再见，亲爱的索拉博。”他说。他等着回应，但索拉博没理他，自顾摇着身子，屏幕上闪动的图像在他脸上投下银光。
在门外，我给他一个信封。打开之后，他张大了口。
“真不知道该怎么谢谢你。”我说，“你帮了我这么多。”
“这里面有多少钱？”法里德有点手足无措。
“将近两干美元。”
“两干……”他说，下唇稍微有点颤抖。稍后，他驶离停车道的时候，揿了两下喇叭，摇摇手。我也朝他招手。再也没有见到他。
我回到旅馆房间，发现索拉博躺在床上，身子弯成弓形。他双眼合上，但我不知道他是不是睡着了。他关掉了电视。我坐在床上，痛得龇牙咧嘴，抹去额头上的冷汗。我在想，要过多久，起身、坐下、在床上翻身才不会发痛呢？我在想，什么时候才能吃固体食物呢？
我在想，我该拿这个躺在床上的受伤的小男孩怎么办？不过我心里已经有了想法。
柜台上有个饮水机。我倒了一玻璃杯水，吞下两片阿曼德的药丸。水是温的，带有苦味。我拉上窗帘，慢慢躺在床上。我觉得自己的胸膛会裂开。等到痛楚稍减、我又能呼吸的时候，我拉过毛毯盖在身上，等着阿曼德的药丸生效。
醒来之后，房间变黑了。窗帘之间露出一线天光，那是即将转入黑夜的紫色斜晖。汗水浸透被褥，我脑袋昏重。我又做梦了，但忘记梦到什么。
我望向索拉博的床，发现它是空的，心里一沉。我叫他的名字，发出的嗓音吓了自己一跳。那真是茫然失措，坐在阴暗的旅馆房间，离家万里，身体伤痕累累，呼唤着一个几天前才遇到的男孩的名字。我又喊了他的名字，没听到回答。我挣扎着起床，查看卫生间，朝外面那条狭窄的走廊望去。他不见了。
我锁上房门，一只手扶在走廊的栏杆上，跌跌撞撞走到大堂的经理办公室。大堂的角落有株满是尘灰的假棕榈树，粉红的火烈鸟在壁纸上飞舞。我在塑料贴面的登记柜台后面，找到正在看报纸的经理。我向他描绘索拉博的样子，问他有没有见到过。他放下报纸，摘掉老花镜。他的头发油腻，整齐的小胡子有些灰白，身上依稀有种我叫不上名字的热带水果味道。
“男孩嘛，他们总喜欢出去玩。”他叹气说，“我有三个男孩，他们整天都跑得不见踪影，给他们母亲惹麻烦。”他用报纸扇风，看着我的下巴。
“我认为他不是出去玩，”我说，“我们不是本地人，我担心他会迷路。”他摇摇头：“你应该看好那个男孩，先生。”
“我知道，”我说，“但我睡着了，醒来他已经不见了。”
“男孩应该多加关心的，你知道。”
“是的。”我说，血气上涌。他怎么可以对我的焦急如此无动于衷？他把报纸交在另外一只手上，继续扇风，“他们现在想要自行车。”
“谁？”
“我的孩子。”他说，“他们总在说：”爸爸，爸爸，请给我们买自行车，我们不会给你带来麻烦。求求你，爸爸。‘“他哼笑一声，”自行车。他们的母亲会杀了我，我敢向你保证。“我想像着索拉博横尸街头，或者在某辆轿车的后厢里面，手脚被绑，嘴巴被 塞住。我不想他死在我手里，不想他也因我而死。“麻烦你……”我说，皱起眉头，看见他那件短袖蓝色棉衬衫翻领上的商标，“费亚兹先生，你见过他吗？”
“那个男孩？”我强忍怒火：“对，那个男孩！那个跟我一起来的男孩。以真主的名义，你见过他吗？”
扇风停止。他眼睛一缩：“别跟我来这套，老弟，把他弄丢的不是我。”虽然他说得没错，但不能平息我的怒火。“你对，我错了，是我的错。那么，你见过他吗？”
“对不起。”他强硬地说，戴上眼镜，打开报纸，“我没见过这样的男孩。”我在柜台站了一会，抑制自己别发火。我走出大厅的时候，他说：“有没有 想过他会去什么地方？”
“没有。”我说。我感到疲惫，又累又怕。
“他有什么爱好吗？”他说，我看见他把报纸收起来。“比如说我的孩子，他们无论如何总是要看美国动作片，特别是那个阿诺什么辛格演的……”
“清真寺！”我说，“大清真寺。”我记得我们路过的时候，清真寺让索拉博从委靡中振奋起来，记得他趴在车窗望着它的样子。
“费萨尔？”
“是的，你能送我去吗？”
“你知不知道它是世界上最大的清真寺？”他问。
“不知道，可是……”
“光是它的院子就可以容下四万人。”
“你能送我到那边去吗？”
“那儿距这里还不到一公里。”他说，不过他已经从柜台站起来。
“我会付你车钱。”
他叹气，摇摇头，“在这里等着。”他走进里间，出来的时候换了一副眼镜，手里拿着串钥匙，有个披着橙色纱丽的矮胖女人跟在身后。她坐上他在柜台后面的位子。“我不会收你的钱。”他朝我吹着气，“我会载你去，因为我跟你一样，也是个父亲。”
我原以为我们会在城里四处寻找，直到夜幕降临。我以为我会看到自己报警，在费亚兹同情的目光下，给他们描绘索拉博的样子。我以为会听见那个警官疲累冷漠的声音，例行公事的提问。而在那些正式的问题之后，会来个私人的问题：不就是又一个死掉的阿富汗孩子，谁他妈的关心啊？
但我们在离清真寺约莫一百米的地方找到他，坐在车辆停满一半的停车场里面，一片草堆上。费亚兹在那片草堆停下，让我下车。“我得回去。”他说。
“好的。我们会走回去。”我说，“谢谢你，费亚兹先生，真的谢谢。”我走出去的时候，他身子从前座探出来。“我能对你说几句吗？”
“当然。”
在薄暮的黑暗中，他的脸只剩下一对反照出微光的眼镜。“你们阿富汗的事情……这么说吧，你们有点鲁莽。”
我很累，很痛。我的下巴抖动，胸膛和腹部那些该死的伤口像鱼钩在拉我的皮肤。但尽管这样，我还是开始大笑起来。
“我……我说了……”费亚兹在说话，但我那时哈哈大笑，喉头爆发出来的笑声从我缝着线的嘴巴进出来。
“疯掉了。”他说。他踩下油门，车轮在地面打转，尾灯在黯淡的夜光中闪闪发亮。
“你把我吓坏了。”我说。我在他身旁坐下，强忍弯腰带来的剧痛。他望着清真寺。
费萨尔清真寺的外观像一顶巨大的帐篷。轿车进进出出，穿着白衣的信徒川流不息。我们默默坐着，我斜倚着树，索拉博挨着我，膝盖抵在胸前。我们听着宣告祈祷开始的钟声，看着那屋宇随日光消退而亮起成千上万的灯光。清真寺在黑暗中像钻石那样闪着光芒。它照亮了夜空，照亮了索拉博的脸庞。
“你去过马扎里沙里夫吗？”索拉博说，下巴放在膝盖上。
“很久以前去过，我不太记得了。”
“我很小的时候，爸爸带我去过那儿，妈妈和莎莎也去了。爸爸在市集给我买了一只猴子。不是真的那种，而是你得把它吹起来的那种。它是棕色的，还打着蝴蝶结。”
“我小时候似乎也有一只。”
“爸爸带我去蓝色清真寺。”索拉博说，“我记得那儿有很多鸽子，在那个回教堂外面，它们不怕人。它们朝我们走来，莎莎给我一小片馕，我喂那些鸟儿。很快，那些鸽子都围在我身边咯咯叫。真好玩。”
“你一定很想念你的父母。”我说。我在想他有没有看到塔利班将他的父母拖到街上。我希望他没有。
“你想念你的父母吗？”他问，把脸颊放在膝盖上，抬眼看着我。
“我想念我的父母吗？嗯，我从没见过我的妈妈。我爸爸几年前死了，是的，我想念他。有时很想。”
“你记得他长什么样子吗？”
我想起爸爸粗壮的脖子，黑色的眼睛，那头不羁的棕发，坐在他大腿上跟坐在树干上一样。“我记得他长什么样子，”我说，“我还记得他身上的味道。”
“我开始忘记他们的面孔，”索拉博说，“这很糟吗？”
“不，”我说，“是时间让你忘记的。”我想起某些东西。我翻开外套的前袋，找出那张哈桑和索拉博的宝丽莱合影，“给你。”
他将相片放在面前几英寸的地方，转了一下，以便让清真寺的灯光照在上面。他久久看着它。我想他也许会哭，但他只是双手拿着照片，拇指在它上面抚摸着。我想起一句不知道在什么地方看来的话，或者是从别人口里听来的：阿富汗有很多儿童，但没有童年。
他伸出手，把它递给我。
“你留着吧，”我说，“它是你的。”
“谢谢你。”他又看了看照片，把它放在背心的口袋里面。一辆马车发着声响驶进停车场。马脖子上挂着很多小铃铛，随着马步叮当作响。
“我最近经常想起清真寺。”索拉博说。
“真的吗？都想些什么呢？”他耸耸肩，“就是想想而已。”他仰起脸，看着我的眼睛。这时，他哭了起来，轻柔地，默默地。“我能问你一些问题吗，阿米尔老爷？”
“当然。”
“真主会不会……”他开始说，语声有点哽咽，“真主会不会因为我对那个人做的事情让我下地狱？”
我伸手去碰他，他身子退缩。我收回手。“不会，当然不会。”我说。我想把他拉近，抱着他，告诉他世界曾经对他不仁，他别无选择。
他的脸扭曲绷紧，试图保持平静：“爸爸常说，甚至连伤害坏人也是不对的。因为他们不知道什么是好的，还因为坏人有时也会变好。”
“不一定的，索拉博。”他疑惑地看着我。
“那个伤害你的人，我认识他很多年。”我说，“我想这个你从我和他的对话中听出来了。我像你这样大的时候，他……他有一次想伤害我，但你父亲救了我。你父亲非常勇敢，他总是替我解决麻烦，为我挺身而出。所以有一天那个坏人伤害了你父亲，他伤得你父亲很重，而我……我不能像你父亲救过我那样救他。”
“为什么人们总是伤害我父亲？”索拉博有点喘着气说，“他从不针对任何人。”
“你说得对。你父亲是个好人。但我想告诉你的是，亲爱的索拉博，这个世界有坏人，有时坏人坏得很彻底，有时你不得不反抗他们。你对那个人所做的，我很多年前就应该对他做的。他是罪有应得，甚至还应该得到更多的报应。”
“你觉得爸爸会对我失望吗？”
“我知道他不会。”我说，“你在喀布尔救了我的命。我知道他会为你感到非常骄傲。”
他用衣袖擦脸，弄破了他嘴唇上挂着的唾液泡泡。他把脸埋在手里，哭了很久才重新说话。“我想念爸爸，也想念妈妈，”他哽咽说，
“我想念莎莎和拉辛汗。但有时我很高兴他们不……他们不在了。”
“为什么？”我碰碰他的手臂，他抽开。
“因为……”他抽泣着说，“因为我不想让他们看到我……我这么脏。”他深吸一口气，
然后抽泣着慢慢呼出，“我很脏，浑身是罪。”
“你不脏，索拉博。”我说。
“那些男人……”
“你一点都不脏。”
“……他们对我……那个坏人和其他两个……他们对我……对我做了某些事情。”
“你不脏，你身上没有罪。”我又去碰他的手臂，他抽开。我再伸出手，轻轻地将他拉近。“我不会伤害你，”我低声说，“我保证。”他挣扎了一下，全身放松，让我将他拉近，把头靠在我胸膛上。他小小的身体在我怀里随着每声啜泣抽动。
喝着同样的奶水长大的人之间会有亲情。如今，就在这个男孩痛苦的泪水浸湿我的衣裳时，我看到我们身上也有亲情开始生长出来。在那间房间里面和阿塞夫发生的事情让我们紧紧联系在一起，不可分开。
我一直在寻找恰当的机会、恰当的时间，问出那个萦绕在我脑里、让我彻夜无眠的问题。我决定现在就问，就在此地，就在此刻，就在照射着我们的真主房间的蓝色灯光之下。
“你愿意到美国去、跟我和我的妻子一起生活吗？”他没有回答，他的泪水流进我的衬衣，我随他去。
整整一个星期，我们两个都没提起我所问过他的，似乎那个问题从来没被说出来。接着某天，我和索拉博坐出租车，前往“达曼尼科”——它的意思是“那座山的边缘”——观景台。它坐落在玛加拉山半腰，可以看到伊斯兰堡的全景，树木夹道的纵横街路，还有白色房子。司机告诉我们，从上面能看到总统的宫殿。
“如果刚下过雨，空气清新，你们甚至能看到拉瓦尔品第[Rawalpindi，伊斯兰堡附近古城]. ”他说。我从他那边的观后镜，看见他扫视着我和索拉博，来回看个不停。我也看到自己的脸，不像过去那样浮肿，但各处消退中的淤伤在它上面留下黄色的痕迹。
我们坐在橡胶树的阴影里面，野餐区的长椅上。那天很暖和，太阳高悬在澄蓝的天空中，旁边的长椅上坐着几个家庭，在吃土豆饼和炸蔬菜饼。不知何处传来收音机播放印度音乐的声音，我想我在某部旧电影里面听过，也许是《纯洁》[Pakeeza，1971年公映，巴基斯坦电影] 吧。一些孩子追逐着足球，他们多数跟索拉博差不多年纪，咯咯发笑，大声叫喊。我想起卡德察区那个恤孤院，想起在察曼的办公室，那只老鼠从我双脚之间穿过。我心口发紧，猛然升起一阵始料不及的怒火，为着我的同胞正在摧毁他们的家园。
“怎么了？”索拉博问。我挤出笑脸，跟他说没什么。我们把一条从旅馆卫生间取来的浴巾铺在野餐桌上，在它上面玩起番吉帕。
在那儿跟我同父异母兄弟的儿子一起玩牌，温暖的阳光照射在我脖子后面，那感觉真好。那首歌结束了，另外一首响起，我没听过。
“看。”索拉博说，他用扑克牌指着天空。我抬头，见到有只苍鹰在一望无垠的天空中翱翔。
“我还不知道伊斯兰堡有老鹰呢。”
“我也不知道。”他说，眼睛看着那只回旋的鸟儿，“你生活的地方有老鹰吗？”
“旧金山？我想有吧，不过我没有见过很多。”
“哦。”他说。我希望他会多问几句，但他又甩出一手牌，问是不是可以吃东西了。
我打开纸袋，给他肉丸夹饼。我的午餐是一杯混合的香蕉汁和橙汁——那个星期我租了费亚兹太太的榨汁机。我用吸管吮着，满嘴甜甜的混合果汁。有些从嘴角流出来，索拉博递给我一张纸巾，看着我擦嘴唇。我朝他微笑，他也微笑。
“你父亲跟我是兄弟。”我说，自然而然地。在我们坐在清真寺附近那晚，我本来打算告诉他，但终究没说出口。可是他有权利知道，我不想再隐瞒什么事情了。“同父异母，真的。我们有共同的爸爸。”
索拉博不再吃东西了，把夹饼放下，“爸爸没说过他有兄弟。”
“那是因为他不知道。”
“他为什么不知道？”
“没人告诉他，”我说，“也没人告诉我。我最近才发现。”索拉博眨眼，好像那是他第一次看着我，第一次真正看着我。“可是人们为什么瞒着爸爸和你呢？”
“你知道吗，那天我也问了这个问题。那儿有个答案，但不是个好答案。让我们这么说吧，人们瞒着我们，因为你父亲和我……我们不应该被当成兄弟。”
“因为他是哈扎拉人吗？”我强迫自己看着他：“是的。”
“你父亲，”他眼睛看着食物，说，“你父亲爱你和爱我爸爸一样多吗？”
我想起很久以前，有一天我们在喀尔卡湖，哈桑的石头比我多跳了几下，爸爸情不自禁拍着哈桑的后背。我想起爸爸在病房里，看着人们揭开哈桑唇上的绷带，喜形于色。“我想他对我们的爱是一样的，但方式不同。”
“他为我爸爸感到羞耻吗？”
“不，”我说，“我想他为自己感到羞耻。”他捡起夹饼，默默地吃起来。
我们快傍晚的时候才离开，天气很热，让人疲累，不过疲累得开心。回去的路上，我觉得索拉博一直在观察我。我让司机在某间出售电话卡的商店门口停车。我给他钱还有小费，让他帮我去买电话卡。
那天晚上，我们躺在床上，看着电视上的谈话节目。两个教士胡子花白，穿着白袍，接听世界各地信徒打来的电话。有人从芬兰打来，那家伙叫艾优博，问他十来岁的儿子会不会下地狱，因为他穿的裤子宽大耷拉，低得露出内裤的橡皮 筋勒带。
“我见过一幅旧金山的照片。”索拉博说。
“真的？”
“那儿有座红色的大桥，和一座屋顶尖尖的建筑。”
“你应该看看那些街道。”我说。
“它们是什么样的？”他现在看着我。电视上，两个毛拉正在交换意见。
“它们很陡，当你开车上坡的时候，你只能见到前面的车顶和天空。”
“听起来真吓人。”他说。他翻过身，脸朝着我，背对着电视。
“刚开始有点吓人，”我说，“不过你会习惯的。”
“那儿下雪吗？”
“不，不过有很多雾。你知道那座你看过的红色大桥吧？”
“是的。”
“有时候，早晨的雾很浓，你只能看到两座尖耸的塔顶。”他惊奇地微笑着：“哦。”
“索拉博？”
“怎么？”
“你有考虑过我之前问你的问题吗？”他的笑容不见了，翻身仰面躺着，十指交叉，放在脑后。毛拉确定了，艾优博的儿子那样穿着裤子是会下地狱的。他们说《圣训》里面有提及。“我想过了。”索拉博说。
“怎么样？”
“我很怕。”
“我知道那有点可怕，”我说，抓住那一丝渺茫的希望，“但你很快就可以学会英语，等你习惯了……”
“我不是这个意思。那也让我害怕。可是……”
“可是什么？”他又翻身朝着我，屈起双膝，“要是你厌倦我怎么办呢？要是你妻子不喜欢我怎么办？”
我从床上挣扎起来，走过我们之间的距离，坐在他身边。“我永远不会厌倦你，索拉博。”我说，“永远不会。这是承诺。你是我的侄儿，记得吗？而亲爱的索拉雅，她是个很好的女人。相信我，她会爱上你的。这也是承诺。”我试探着伸手拉住他的手掌，他稍微有点紧张，但让我拉着。
“我不想再到恤孤院去。”他说。
“我永远不会让那发生。我向你保证。”我双手压住他的手，“跟我一起回家。”
他泪水浸湿了枕头，很长很久默不作声。然后他把手抽回去，点点头。他点头了。
拨到第四次，电话终于接通了。铃声响了三次，她接起电话。“喂？”当时在伊斯兰堡是晚上7点半，加利福尼亚那边差不多是早晨这个时间。那意味着索拉雅已经起床一个小时了，在为去上课做准备。“是我，”我说。我坐在自己的床上，看着索拉博睡觉。
“阿米尔！”她几乎是尖叫，“你还好吗？你在哪儿？”
“我在巴基斯坦。”
“你为什么不早点打电话来？我担心得都生病了！我妈妈每天祷告，还许愿！”
“我很抱歉没打电话。我现在没事了。”我曾经跟她说我会离开一个星期，也许两个星期，但我离开将近一个月了。我微笑。“跟雅米拉阿姨说不要再杀羊了。”
“你说‘没事’是什么意思？你的声音怎么回事？”
“现在别担心这个。我没事，真的。索拉雅，我要告诉你一个故事，一个我早就该告诉你的故事，但我得先告诉你一件事。”
“什么事？”她放低声音说，语气谨慎一些了。
“我不会一个人回家。我会带着一个小男孩。”我顿了顿，说，“我想我们要收养他。”
“什么？” 我看看时间：“这张该死的电话卡还剩下四十七分钟，我有很多话要对你说。
找个地方坐下。”我听见椅脚匆匆拖过木地板的声音。
“说吧。”她说。然后我做了结婚十五年来没做过的事：我向妻子坦白了一切事情。一切事情。
我很多次设想过这一刻，害怕这一刻，可是，我说了，我感到胸口有些东西涌起来。
我觉得就在提亲那夜，索拉雅跟我说起她的过去，也体验过某种非常相似的感觉。
但这一次，说故事的人是我，她在哭泣。
“你怎么想？”我说。
“我不知道该怎么想，阿米尔。你一下子告诉我太多了。”
“我知道。” 我听见她擦鼻子的声音。“但我很清楚地知道的是：你必须把他带回家。
我要你这么做。”
“你确定吗？”我说，闭上双眼，微笑起来。
“我确定吗？”她说，“阿米尔，他是你的侄儿，你的家人，所以他也是我的侄儿。
我当然确定，你不能任他流落街头。”她停顿了一会，“他性子怎样？”
我望向睡在床上的索拉博：“他很可爱，很严肃那种。”
“谁能怪他呢？”她说，“我想见到他，阿米尔。我真的想。”
“索拉雅？”
“嗯。”
“我爱你。”
“我也爱你。”她说。我听得见她话里的笑意，“小心点。”
“我会的。还有，别告诉你父母他是谁。如果他们想知道，应该让我来说。”
“好的。”我们挂上电话。
伊斯兰堡美国大使馆外面的草坪修剪齐整，点缀着一圈圈花儿，四周是挺直的篱笆。
房子本身跟伊斯兰堡很多建筑很相像：白色的平房。我们穿过几个街区，到达那儿，三个不同的安检人员搜我的身，因为我下巴缝着的线弄响了金属探测 器。我们最终从热浪中走进去，空调的冷风扑面而来，好像冰水泼在脸上。接待室的秘书是个五十来岁的金发妇女，脸庞瘦削。我自报家门，她微微一笑。她穿着米色的罩衫和黑色的休闲裤——她是我数个星期来见到的第一个没有穿着蒙脸长袍或者棉袍的女人。她在预约单上查找我的名字，用铅笔带橡皮擦那头敲着办公桌。她找到我的名字，让我坐下。
“你们想来杯柠檬汁吗？”她问。
“我不要，谢谢。”
“你儿子要吗？”
“什么？”
“那个英俊的小绅士，”她说，朝索拉博笑着。
“哦，好的，谢谢你。”索拉博和我坐在黑色的皮沙发上，就在接待柜台对面，挨着一面高高的美国国旗。索拉博从玻璃桌面的咖啡桌挑起一本杂志。他翻阅着，心不在焉地看着图片。
“怎么啦？”索拉博说。
“什么？”
“你在微笑。”
“我在想着你的事情呢。”我说。他露出紧张的微笑。挑起另外一本杂志，还不到三十秒就翻完了。
“别害怕。”我碰碰他的手臂说，“这些人很友善，放松点。”我自己才应该听从这个建议。我在座位上不停挪动身子，解开鞋带，又系上。秘书将一大杯混有冰块的柠檬汁放在咖啡桌上。“请用。”
索拉博羞涩一笑。“非常谢谢。”他用英语说，听起来像“灰常歇歇。”他跟我说过，他只懂得这句英语，还有“祝你今天愉快”。
她笑起来：“别客气。”她走回办公桌，高跟鞋在地板上敲响。
“祝你今天愉快。”索拉博说。雷蒙德·安德鲁个子不高，手掌很小，指甲修剪得很好，无名指上戴着结婚戒指。他草草和我握手，感觉像捏着一只麻雀。这是一双掌握我们命运的手，我想。索拉博和我坐在他的办公桌对面。一张《悲惨世界》的海报钉在安德鲁身后的墙壁上，挨着一张美国地形图。阳光照耀的窗台上有盆番茄藤。
“吸烟吗？”他问，和他瘦弱的身形相比起来，他低沉洪亮的声音显得十分古怪。
“不，谢谢。”我说。安德鲁甚至都没看索拉博一眼，跟我说话的时候眼睛也没看着我，但我不在乎。他拉开办公桌的抽屉，从半包烟里面抽出一根点上。他还从同一个抽屉拿起一瓶液体，一边涂抹在手上，一边看窗台上的番茄藤，香烟斜斜吊在他嘴角。然后他关上抽屉，把手肘放在办公桌上，呼出一口气。“好了，”他说，在烟雾中眨眨他灰色的眼睛，“告诉我你的故事。”
我感觉就像冉·阿让坐在沙威[冉·阿让（jean Valjean）和沙威（javert）都是雨果作品《悲惨世界》中的人物，前者因为偷东西入狱，后者是警察]对面。我提醒自己，我如今在美国的领地上，这个家伙跟我是一边的，他领薪水，就为了帮助我这样的人。“我想收养这个孩子，将他带回美国。”我说。
“告诉我你的故事。”他重复说，用食指把烟灰在整洁的办公桌上压碎，将其扫进烟灰缸。
我把跟索拉雅通电话之后编好的故事告诉他。我前往阿富汗，带回我同父异母兄弟的儿子。我发现这个孩子处境堪忧，在恤孤院中浪费生命。我给恤孤院的负责人一笔钱，将孩子带出来。接着我把他带到巴基斯坦。
“你算是这个孩子的伯伯？”
“是的。”他看看表，侧身转向窗台上的番茄藤，“有人能证明吗？”
“有的，但我不知道他现在在哪儿。”
他转向我，点点头。我试图从他脸上看出他的想法，但一无所获。我在想他这双小手
有没有玩过扑克。
“我想，把下巴缝成这样，该不是最近时兴的证词吧。”他说。我们麻烦了，索拉博和我，我顿时明白。我告诉他我在白沙瓦被抢了。
“当然，”他说，清清喉咙，“你是穆斯林吗？”
“是的。”
“虔诚吗？”
“是的。”实际上，我都不记得上次把头磕在地上祷告是什么时候。然后我想起来了：阿曼尼大夫给爸爸看病那天。我跪在祈祷毯上，想起的却只有几段课堂上学到的经文。
“对你的事情有点帮助，但起不了太大作用。”他说，作势在他那蓬松的头发上搔痒。
“你是什么意思？”我问。我拉起索拉博的手，扣着他的手指。索拉博不安地看着我和安德鲁。
“有个长的答案，到了最后我会告诉你。你想先听个短的吗？”
“说吧。”我说。安德鲁将香烟掐灭，抿着嘴，“放弃吧。”
“什么？”
“你提出的收养这个孩子的请求。放弃吧。那是我给你的建议。”
“知道了。”我说，“现在，也许你可以告诉我原因了。”
“那就是说你想听长的答案了？”他语气冷淡地说，对我不快的语气无动于衷。他合起手掌，似乎他正跪在圣母面前。“让我们假设你告诉我的故事是真的，不过我非常怀疑它是假的，或者省略掉一大部分。告诉你一声，我不关心。你在这里，他在这里，这才是要紧的事情。即使这样，你的请求面临着明显的障碍，更何况这个孩子并非孤儿。”
“他当然是。”
“从法律上来讲他不是。”
“他的父母在街上被处决了，邻居都看到。”我说，为我们用英语交谈而高兴。
“你有死亡证明吗？”
“死亡证明？我们在说的是阿富汗，很多人甚至连出生证明都没有。”他明亮的眼睛
一眨不眨，“先生，法律不是我制定的。你生气也没用，你还是得证明他的父母确实去世了。
这个男孩必须让法律承认他是孤儿。”
“可是……”
“你想要长的答案，我现在正给你呢。你的下一个问题是，你需要这个孩子出生国的合作。现在，就算在最好的情况下，这也很难，还有，引用你说过的，我们在谈论的是阿富汗。我们在喀布尔没有大使馆。这使事情极端复杂，几乎是不可能的。”
“你在说什么？我应该将他扔到街头上吗？”我说。
“我可没那么说。”
“他受过性虐待。”我说，想起索拉博脚踝上的铃铛，他眼睛上的眼影。
“听到这个我很抱歉，”安德鲁张口说，不过他望着我的样子，好像我们一直在谈论天气，“但那不会让移民局给这个小男孩放发签证。”
“你在说什么？”
“我的意思是，如果你想帮忙，可以捐钱给可靠的慈善组织，或者去难民营当义工。但在现在这样的时刻，我们非常不赞成美国公民收养阿富汗儿童。”
我站起来。“走吧，索拉博。”我用法尔西语说。索拉博倚着我，头靠在我的臀部上。
我想起那张宝丽莱照片，他和哈桑就这样站着。“我能问你一些问题吗，安德鲁先生？”
“可以。”
“你有孩子吗？”这下，他第一次眨眼了。
“嗯，你有吗？随便问问而已。”
他默默无语。
“我这么认为，”我说，拉起索拉博的手，“他们应该找个知道想要孩子是什么感觉的人坐你的位置。”我转身离开，索拉博跟着我。
“我可以问你一个问题吗？”安德鲁喊道。
“说吧。”
“你承诺过这个孩子带他回家吗？”
“要是有又怎样？”他摇摇头，“真是危险的事情，给孩子承诺。”他叹气，又打开抽屉，“你真想要这么做？”他说，翻着文件。
“我真的想这么做。”他抽出一张名片：“那么我建议你找个优秀的移民律师。奥马尔‘费萨尔在伊斯兰堡工作，你可以跟他说我让你去找他。”
我从他那里拿过名片。“谢谢。”我低声说。
“祝你好运。”他说。我们走出房间的时候，我回头看了一眼。安德鲁站在长方形的阳光中，茫然地望着窗外，双手将那盆番茄藤转到阳光下，慈爱地拍打着。
“保重。”我们走过秘书的办公桌时她说。
“你老板应该礼貌一些。”我说。我以为她会转动眼珠，也许点头说“我知道，每个人都那么说”，诸如此类。相反的是，她降低声音：“可怜的雷，自从他女儿死后，他就跟变了个人似的。”
我扬起眉头。
“自杀。”她说。在回旅馆的出租车上，索拉博头靠车窗，望着栋栋后退的房子和成排的橡胶树。他的呼吸模糊了玻璃，擦干净，又模糊了。我等待他问起会谈的情况，但他没问。
浴室的门关上，门后传来水流声。自从我们住进宾馆那天起，索拉博每晚上床之前总要洗很久的澡。在喀布尔，热自来水像父亲一样，是稀缺的产品。现在索拉博每晚几乎要用一个小时洗澡，浸在肥皂水中，不停擦着身体。我坐在床边给索拉雅打电话，看着浴室门下渗出来的光线。你觉得干净了吗，索拉博？
我将雷蒙德跟我说过的告诉索拉雅。“你现在怎么想？”
“我们得认为他错了。”她说她给几家安排国际收养的机构打过电话，她还没发现有考虑收养阿富汗孩子的机构，但她还在找。
“你父母对这个消息怎么看？”
“妈妈很为我们高兴。你知道她对你的感觉，阿米尔，在她眼里，你做什么都不会错。爸爸……嗯，跟过去一样，他有点让人猜不透。他没说太多。”
“你呢？你高兴吗？”我听见她把听筒换到另一只手上。“我想这对你的侄儿来说是好的，但也许他也会给我们带来帮助。”
“我也这么想。”
“我知道这听起来很疯狂，可是我发现自己在想着他最喜欢吃什么菜，或者最喜欢学校里的哪门课。我设想自己在帮他做作业……' ‘她哈哈大笑。浴室的水声停止了，我能听到索拉博在那儿，从浴缸爬出来，擦干身体。
“你真是太好了。”我说。
“啊，我差点忘了！我给沙利夫舅舅打过电话！” 我记得在我们的婚礼上，他朗诵一首写在酒店信纸上的诗歌。我和索拉雅走向舞台，朝闪光的镜头微笑的时候，他的儿子在我们头顶高举《可兰经》。“他怎么说？”
“嗯，他会帮助我们。他会给他在移民局的朋友打电话。”她说。
“真是个好消息。”我说，“我忍不住想让你快点见到索拉博。”
“我忍不住想快点见到你。”她说。我笑着挂上电话。
几分钟后，索拉博从浴室出来。自从与安德鲁会面之后，他说过的话几乎不超过十来个单词，我每次试图跟他交谈，他总是点点头，或者用一个字回答我。他爬上床，把毯子拉到下巴。没过几分钟，他呼呼睡去。
我抹开水汽迷濛的镜子，用旅馆的旧式刮胡刀刮脸。你得把它打开，然后把刀片装进去。接着我洗澡，躺在浴缸里面，直到冒着汽的热水变冷，让我的皮肤起鸡皮疙瘩。我躺在那儿漂浮着、思索着、想像着……
奥马尔·费萨尔皮肤很暗，矮矮胖胖，脸上有酒窝，黑色的大眼睛，还有和蔼的笑容，露出来的齿缝很大。他稀疏的头发在后面梳成马尾，穿着棕色灯芯绒西装，手肘的位置上有几块毛皮补丁，还带着个鼓鼓的破旧公文包。公文包的提 手不见了，所以他将其抱在胸前。他是一见面就笑着说很多话而且过分客套的人，比如说“对不起，我将会在五点在那儿”之类的。我打电话给他，听到他的笑声，他执意要出来会晤我们。“很抱歉，这个城市里面的出租车跟鲨鱼一样，”他的英语说得很棒，没有任何口音，“一旦嗅到外国人的味道，就会多要三倍车费。”
他推开门，脸带微笑，道歉连连，稍微有点喘气和流汗。他用手帕擦额头，打开公文包，乱翻着找记事本，为把文件扔得满床都是不停道歉。索拉博盘膝坐在床上，一边看着消掉声音的电视，一边看着那个手忙脚乱的律师。那天早晨我 跟他说过费萨尔要来，他点点头，似乎想问些什么，但只是走开去看一个有动物在说话的电视节目。
“找到了。”费萨尔说，翻开一本黄色的法律记事本。“就安排事物的能力而言，我希望我的孩子像他们的妈妈。很抱歉，也许这不是你所想要从你未来的律师口里听到的，对吧？”他哈哈大笑。
“嗯，雷蒙德·安德鲁对你评价很高。”
“安德鲁先生。是的，是的，那个家伙人很好。实际上，他打过电话给我，把你的事情告诉我了。”
“真的吗？”
“哦，是的。”
“那么你清楚我的情况了。” 费萨尔擦去唇边的汗水。“我清楚你告诉安德鲁先生的情况。”他说，脸上出现两个酒窝，泛起狡狺的微笑。他转向索拉博。“肯定就是这个少年惹起所有的麻烦吧？”他用法尔西语说。
“这是索拉博。”我说，“索拉博，他是费萨尔先生，我跟你说过的那个律师。”
索拉博从他的床上滑下来，跟费萨尔握手。“你好。”他低声说。
“你好，索拉博。”费萨尔说，“你知道自己的名字来自一个了不起的战士吗？”
索拉博点点头，爬回床上，继续侧身躺着看电视。
“我不知道你的法尔西语说得这么好，”我用英语说，“你在喀布尔长大吗？”
“不是，我在卡拉奇[Karachi，巴基斯坦南部城市]出生，但在喀布尔生活了好几年。沙里诺区，靠近哈吉雅霍清真寺。”费萨尔说。“实际上，我在伯克利[Berkeley，美国加州城市] 长大。1960年代后期，我爸爸在那儿开了间唱片店。自由恋爱，染了领带的衫，
你叫得出来的全都有。”他身体前倾，“我去过伍德斯托克音乐节[Woodstock ，位于纽约州东南，每年8月举办民谣和摇滚音乐节]. ”
“太帅了！”我说。费萨尔哈哈大笑，又开始冒汗珠了。“反正，”我继续说，“我跟安德鲁先生说得差不多了，省略掉一两件事，也许三件。我会完完整整告诉你。”
他舔了一根手指，翻到空白页，把笔帽打开。“那最好了，阿米尔。我们何不用英语交谈，免得外面的人听到？”
“好的。”我把发生过的一切统统告诉他：我跟拉辛汗的会面、前往喀布尔、恤孤院、伽兹体育馆的掷石头。
“天！”他低声惊呼，“很抱歉，我在喀布尔有很多美好的回忆。很难相信你刚才告诉我的竟然是同一个地方。”
“你后来回去过吗？”
“天，没有。”
“我会告诉你，那儿不是伯克利。”我说。
“继续。”我把剩下的都告诉他了：跟阿塞夫见面、搏斗、索拉博和他的弹弓、逃回巴基斯坦。当我说完，他飞快地写下一些东西，深深呼吸，镇定地看了我一眼：“好了，阿米尔，你前面有场艰苦的战斗。”
“我能打赢吗？”他把笔帽装上。“就安德鲁的语气判断，希望渺茫。不是不可能，但是机会很小。”和蔼的笑容和戏谑的眼神不见了。
“可是像索拉博这样的孩子最需要有个家，”我说，“这些规章制度对我来说毫无意
义。”
“我也心有戚戚，阿米尔。”他说，“但事实是，就当前的移民法、收养机构政策和阿富汗的政治局势看来，你的情况很不妙。”
“我真不理解，”我说，想找个东西揍一顿，“我是说，我明白，但是我不理解。”
奥马尔点头，双眉紧锁。“好了，就这样。灾难之后，不管天灾还是人祸——塔利班真是一场大灾难，阿米尔，相信我——一个孩子是否孤儿，总是很难判断。孩子们被遗弃在难民营，或者被双亲抛弃，因为他们无法加以照料。这些情况向来都有。所以除非孩子满足孤儿的法律定义，否则移民局不会放发签证。我很抱歉，我知道这听起来很荒唐，但你需要一纸死亡证书。”
“你在阿富汗住过，”我说，“你知道这事的可能性有多大。”
“我知道，”他说，“但让我们假设现在这个孩子父母双亡的情况弄清楚了。即使那样，移民局会认为，最好由该国的人来收养这个孩子，以便他能保持本国的文化传统。”
“什么传统？”我说，“阿富汗有过的文化传统被塔利班毁掉了。你知道他们怎么对待巴米扬的大佛。”
“很抱歉，我在告诉你的是移民局怎么工作，阿米尔。”奥马尔说，碰碰我的手臂。
他望向索拉博，露出微笑，然后看着我。“说到这里，一个孩子必须根据他自己国家的法规被合法地收养。但假如你碰到一个乱糟糟的国家，比如说阿富汗，政府官员会忙于处理各种突发事件，处理收养事宜不会得到优先考虑。”
我叹气，揉揉眼睛。眼睛后面突突发痛。
“但是让我们假设不管怎样，阿富汗人肯帮忙。”奥马尔说，双手交叉放在隆起的肚子上，“这次收养仍有可能被拒绝。实际上，就算是那些较为温和的穆斯林国家，对收养也不无疑虑，因为在多数这些国家中，穆斯林教法不赞同收养。”
“你是在叫我放弃？”我问，用手压着额头。
“我在美国长大，阿米尔。如果说美国让我学到什么东西，那就是，认输简直就像在女童军[Girl Scouts，美国女童军是世界上最大的专门服务于女孩的组织，成员多为成年义工，旨在帮助女孩提高使她们终身受益的素质] 的柠檬水罐里面撒尿一样不可原谅。可是，身为你的律师，我必须把事实告诉你。”他说，“最后一点，收养机构会定期派人前去评估那个孩子所处的环境，而没有正常的机构会派人去阿富汗。”
我看见索拉博坐在那儿，看着电视和我们。他的坐姿跟他父亲过去一样，膝盖抵着下巴。
“我是他伯父，难道这没有用吗？”
“如果你能证明，它会起作用。很抱歉，你有什么证明文件或者什么证人吗？”
“没有文件，”我用虚脱的声音说，“没有人知道这回事。索拉博也是我说了他才知道的，而我自己也是最近才发现这个秘密。惟一知道的那个人已经走了，也许死了。”
“嗯。”
“我该怎么办，奥马尔？”
“我会坦诚相告，你的选择不多。”
“天哪，我能做什么？”奥马尔吸气，用钢笔敲打下巴，然后把气呼出来。“你还是填一份收养申请表，期待最好的结果。你可以做独立的收养。也就是说，你得和索拉博一起生活在巴基斯坦，日复一日，挨过两年，你可以替他申请政治庇护。那是个漫长的过程，你得证明他受到政治迫害。你也可以申请人道主义签证。那得由检察总长审核，很难得到。”
他顿了顿，“还有个选择，也许是你最好的办法了。”
“什么？”我靠近身体问。
“你可以把他重新送进这儿的恤孤院，然后填收养申请表。让他们审核你的I一600表格和你的家庭，把孩子留在安全的地方。”
“那是什么？”
“很抱歉，I 一600 表格是移民局的官方文件。家庭评估由你选择的收养机构执行。”奥马尔说，“你知道，那是要确保你和你的妻子没有精神病。”
“我不想那么做。”我说，看了一眼索拉博，“我答应过他，不再让他进恤孤院。”
“正如我所说的，那是你最好的选择。”我们又谈了一会，然后我送他上车，一辆旧大众甲壳虫。当时伊斯兰堡巳近黄昏，一轮红日挂在西边。奥马尔不知道使了什么法子，居然能挤到车里去，我看见他上车的时候车身一沉。他摇下车窗：“阿米尔？”
“嗯？”
“我刚才跟你说过吗？你正在努力争取的事情很了不起。”他招招手，把车驶离。我站在宾馆房间门外，也朝他挥手。我希望索拉雅在身边陪着我。
我回到房间的时候，索拉博已经关掉电视了。我坐在自己的床沿，让他挨着我坐下。
“费萨尔先生说有个办法可以让我把你带去美国。”我说。
“真的吗？”他好几天来第一次露出微弱的笑容，“我们什么时候能走？”
“嗯，事情是这样的。可能需要一段时间，但他说可以做到，而且他会帮助我们。”
我把手放在他脖子后面。外面，召唤人们祷告的钟声。响彻大街小巷。
“多久？”索拉博问。
“我不知道，一阵吧。”
索拉博耸耸肩，微笑着，这次笑得更灿烂了：“我不在乎，我能等。那就像酸苹果。”
“酸苹果？”
“有一次，我很小的时候，我爬上一棵树，吃那些青青的酸苹果。我的小腹变得又肿又硬，像鼓那样，痛得厉害。妈妈说只要我等到苹果熟透，就不会生病了。所以现在，无论我真正想要什么，我都会想起她说过的关于苹果的话。”
“酸苹果，”我说，“安拉保佑，你是我见过最聪明的孩子，亲爱的索拉博。”他的耳朵红了起来。
“绝对是。”我说，“绝对是。”
“我们会开车到那些街上去吗？那些你只能看见车顶和天空的街道？”
“我们每一条都去。”我说，眼泪涌上来，我眨眼强行忍住。
“英语难学吗？”
“我敢说，不用一年，你就可以说得跟法尔西语一样流利。”
“真的吗？”
“是的，”我伸了一根手指在他下巴，把他的脸转过来，“还有一件事，索拉博。”
“什么事？”
“嗯，费萨尔先生那会很有帮助，如果我们……如果我们能让你在一间为孩子准备的房子待上一阵。”
“为孩子准备的房间？”他的笑容消失了，“你是说孤儿院吗？”
“只是待上一阵。”
“不，”他说，“别这样，求求你。”
“索拉博，那只是很短的时间，我保证。”
“你向我保证过永远不让我去那些地方，阿米尔老爷。”他说。他声音颤抖，泪如泉涌。我一阵心痛。
“那不同的。就在这儿，在伊斯兰堡，不是在喀布尔。我会每天去探望你，直到我们能够离开，把你带去美国。”
“求求你！求求你！别这样！”他哽咽着，“我很怕那些地方。他们伤害我！我不想去。”
“没有人会伤害你。再也不会了。”
“他们会的！他们总是说他们不会，但他们说谎！他们说谎！求求你，真主啊！”
我用拇指抹去他脸上的泪痕。“酸苹果，记得吗？这就像一个酸苹果。”我轻声说。
“不，它不是。不要那些地方。天，天啦！求求你，别这样！”他浑身颤抖，涕泗俱下。
“嘘。”我把他拉近，抱着他颤抖的身体。“嘘。会没事的。我们会一起回家。你会看到的，没事的。”
他的声音被我的胸膛闷住，但我能听到话里的痛苦。“求求你答应我你不会这么做！天啊，阿米尔老爷！求求你答应我你不会！”
我如何能答应呢？我抱着他，紧紧抱着，前后摇晃。他的泪水滴进我的衣裳，直到泪流干了，直到不再颤抖了，直到惊恐的哀求变成听不清的喃喃自语。我等着，摇着他，直到他呼吸缓下来，身体松弛。我想起曾经从某个地方看来的一句话：孩子们就是这样对付恐惧：他们睡觉。
我抱他上床，把他放下。然后我躺在自己床上，望着窗外伊斯兰堡上方紫色 的天空。
电话将我惊醒的时候，天已经全黑了。我揉揉眼睛，旋开床头灯。刚过晚上10点半，我睡了将近三个小时。我拿起话筒。“喂？”
“美国打来的电话。”费亚兹先生的声音。
“谢谢。”我说。浴室的灯光亮着，索拉博又在洗澡了。电话传来两声按键声，然后是索拉雅的声音。“你好！”她声音振奋。
“嗨。”
“你跟那个律师谈得怎样？”我把费萨尔的建议告诉她。“好了，你可以忘了它，”她说，“我们不用那么做。”
我坐起来。“什么？为什么？怎么回事？”
“我接到沙利夫舅舅的回电了。他说关键是把索拉博送进这个国家。只要他进来，就有很多把他留下的办法。所以他给几个在移民局的朋友打了电话。他今晚给我回电，说他很有把握能替索拉博争取到人道主义签证。”
“不是开玩笑吧？”我说，“啊，谢谢真主！亲爱的沙利夫太好了！”
“我知道。不管怎样，我们可以当保证人。一切会很快的。他说那种签证有效期一年，足够我们申请收养请求了。”
“这样最好了，索拉雅。对吧？”
“看起来是的。”她说。她的声音很快乐。我说我爱她，她说她也爱我。我们挂上电话。
“索拉博！”我喊道，从床上起来，“我有个好消息。”我敲着浴室的门，“索拉博！亲爱的索拉雅刚才从加利福尼亚打电话来。我们不用把你放到恤孤院了，索拉博。我们就要去美国了，你和我。你听到吗？我们就要去美国了！”
我推开门，走进浴室。刹那间我跪倒在地，放声大叫。我牙齿打颤，不断大叫。叫得
我的喉咙快要裂开，叫得我的胸膛快要炸开。
后来，他们说救护车来了之后我还不停叫着。
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